Wednesday, January 19, 2011

change of habits

hey lovelies :):)

today, i had cereal, surprise!!! no photo but it consisted of banana (eaten before coffee) and a mixture of LiFe* as well as shreddies and organic wheat squares, with almonds and a dried apricot, skim milk and cinnamon.

love this gorgeous one on might belong to a blogger

ive sort of moved from my family house to a place with my brother, apartment. though its in the same area that we live in (if i can say this myself, its a nice area :) ) but im having such a hard time. changing habits and rituals, just not having "safe" things (even though they might not be safe) and i've lost support from my parents as im not with them as much. i used to go to school away from home but this year has been different, and its only taken half a year to get used to being near family so its difficult at the moment. plus i miss my baby (cat) eveypoops :P

i want to dedicate this post to my parents, they don't read this btw aha but especially my mom (and dad too, he's helped so much!!!!) but with the move, my parents had my first dinner with me, helped clean up (even though i wanted to). and my mom joined me for coffee, breakfast and shopping the next day. i made her scottish oats, and had my banana beforehand as she haaates it cooked in (gives it all a strong flavour), and added wheat germ, walnuts and skim, along with LiFe* cereal, and for me i added some organic wheat squares, plus some cinnamon.

it looked slightly similar to this i guess

i love her:) and my dad...and brother and cat and family in general. but i cause them so so so much grief honestly :S

she would murder me for posting this, i've hidden features, its not a good
one of either of us, im sorry mom:(

i want to do a video but my webcam never really records sound, ehehe ive left some wacko vids for friends and its like...whattt the efff is she saying ahaha.

i was going to post this later as my camera is at home, and i haven't taken photos since, and, well i just wasn't in the right mind to post. but i decided that otherwise it might not be till forever, i won't be in the right "frame" for a while. im going home tomorrow overnight after my counseling type meeting wooppp :) plus something came up making me happier, giving me some hope and providing a bit of substance for this post :)

i believe i was awarded with something eee! But please correct me if I’m wrong (even though that would be uber embarrassing)...but Adina ( mentioned “I'm tagging you for the stylish blogger award” and after much searching I’ve found what it means and that I’m meant to do seven things or so, and a few others i believe??? Here is goes. Lucky you, i’m ever so interesting...:P

thank you thank you thank you...honestly it meant a lot, even if it was just one reader, i dunno i was feeling a bit crappay (the different spelling gives it a bit of sophistication in my opinion)...but then this happened, added a bit of light (even if it was barely visible) to my day so i’m very happy about that, thank you lovie.

alrighty, so the random facts begin...

1. i love dakota fanning, as in for acting, style what not...ive sort of been inspired since i saw her in war of the worlds, then saw like all of her films afterward so i feel like i've followed her since she was 11 or so. and dreamer (inspired by a true story :P) ahh i just love that film. and i also love her sister, elle. they are both gorgeous and so talented, like freak children, but not really. and i love their clothing. i would love to have a career like that, possibly work with them, i just love to act as well.

2. i want to act in films, related to the above thing. ive always loved pretending and imagining and dreaming, and since i was like 5 i've been in acting groups and plays and such. but i have a fascination with film, the intimacy of it and would love to be involved with that medium somehow, so im also looking to work in production, on set, even with radio and television which i find are somehow connected. but the magic of film is one of its kind in my opinion.

3. i love to write/type in all lower case on the computer for some reason, especially proper names, it just looks prettier in my opinion. obviously i cannot do this at school, but the internet doesn’t correct it like my word document program. i made the exception with this post because i’m awarding girlies and i guess they deserve proper capitals :P:P

4. i have a lot of anxiety and fears surrounding being ill. specifically a phobia of being sick sick sick. it has a name :) but oh not happy. im rather obsessive about washing and try to keep clean, but never feel like its enough. makes things so hard and i have awful anxiety and panic attacks, and yea i've had the fear for honestly as long as i can remember, like 3 maybe, before...but it became sort of a phobia more at age 10 and really awful this past year and a bit.

5. i think i have peter pan syndrome :) honestly like my parents have made sure that i go away from home a lot and since a young age i went to camp for a while then for a month and did things away from home, but its always been sooo hard. when i was in like grade 3 i took a bear to school, i didn't even remember then my old classmate who was younger than me told me the story :) and i cried a lot. i get attached to things so when they change its so unbearable for some reason :( and i've always had, for a while, like some problem, obsession be it weight or germs or just washing...its something my mom brought up and i keep saying that i have an addictive personality :P but that's not a good thing

6. i used to be so in love with kids and babysitting and would nearly do it for free, now i worry about germs, even though that comes from everywhere of course. but i babysat, at age 12 (starting) a girl and her brother on my street where i lived in a small town...and she had something called Russel Silver Syndrome, google it :P but it is a rare disorder, and i had to tube feed her but otherwise she could just do so much, and even did it herself for me, she's a ray of sunshine and her brother was just as lovely, and their whole family was just amazing, dad as well. but i remember their mother, honestly this was the kindest woman i have ever met in my life. just sincere and loving and just giving, so so so giving and i still think about that family, it was tough to leave them. i remember at the time i didn't think it was a big deal but im sort of proud of how i took care of them, even just for like afternoons when their mom went out (she just went out on purpose since she knew i wanted to babysit them!)...and i always want to check to make sure the girl is alive, sounds morbid but like the life expectancy is iffy with the disease.

7. i used to swim competitively, actually did quite a few sports. gymnastics since i was like 3 maybe, but stopped when i had to choose and went with swimming till age 13. then didn't do it as often, perhaps that's when things got bad. like i used to worry, way far back i don't knwo what age, about if i was thin and swam so much and probably burned so much that i never counted things, but i would ask my dad like when we would eat dinner together 'how am i dad, can i still eat whatever?' and he'd say yes so i'd feel safe. but when i stopped doing constant sports i looked around and all of the calorie stuff came to me. the first blow came in grade 9 at boarding school i think there was just such a variety of things and i think i gained a bit at the beginning and then things went downhill, i guess i just tried cutting everything, and when it finally worked it was obsessive. anyway, whyyy am i going on this is not nice :( sorry!!!

award 15 other recently discovered fabulous bloggers! hmmm this is where it’s hard, i can’t to 15 because i don’t believe i know many new bloggers, but they are all fabulous of course, i’ll just leave comments and im so sorry if you’ve received it...hey wait that would be a good thing wouldn’t it??? I’ve altered the rules here, and im sorry if it’s not allowed but i will just say hello to a few girls on here (of many though, i just feel so overwhelmed here aha) that i really love...

Eliza’s such a sweetheart, and like many of us is having some trouble but i hope she’s smiling at least a tiny bit where she is right now and i love her so so so so so much. she just gets my love of dakota fanning too :P:P

Alex is so incredibly talented, intelligent and sincere beyond belief, she cooks up ridiculously-complex things and her photos are exquisite, but she’s so strong and beating her ed up soooo hard *bam! :P

Although she’s taken a break, i adore this lovie Lexi because she’s always been so kind and left very influential words on my blog, plus her style of clothing is amazing, she looks so great in everything and she seems like a wonderful friend.

Rhiannon, who I just met, is such a lovely person who seems to help out everyone with her advice, which is incredible and im excited to read more of her amazing bloggie. I know she’s been here for a while though....

Maya is equally-lovely as the above girls, she's offered so much advise despite what she's going through but honestly she's sooooo sweet, offering compliments that you just gush at. she shares my love of fashion and film, and i love her lovely photos.

Emily's really kind and sincere and offer's advice, plus i can related to her. her blog is so beautiful and i love looking at her breakfast creations :) she has the cutest style too, love her clothing.

Clemmy has posted so much, commenting on my boring notes :P she's hilarious and i adore reading her blog and laugh every time i see her fonts, she just changes from like MASSIVE words and i can see her expression changing, its like im reading and hearing her speak :) she's so sweet and strong.

Lucie, my goodness this girlie is filled with inspiration, from what she's gone through and her attitude and outlook, her wisdom is just, wow. i love this girl and she's so selfless offering whatever she can to the world, which shows on her blog which is so very unique.

Steph, one of the first to comment on my bloggie, she takes amazing photos of just every creation of food you could imagine. i learn so much from looking at her blog, and she's very strong.

Izzy just because she's canadian like me. kidding. well she is but she's also very sweet it seems, and i love her blog's beautttiful photos, and her oaties are so creative, like soaking them in tea, and filled with such a neat array of goodies. and a little while ago, maybe my eyes are failing me or this isn't a big deal, there were like snowflakes on her photos??? coooool :D

Hollie has a blog more about life and fashion, different from some of the others i've read but i found her when she was on the sartorialist, yea, like her photo was on there after he took it in london (w.t.f.!!!), she's so amazing. she's quite young (i mean that in a positive way) but full of amazing style ideas, lots of intelligence and a cute personality.

Laura, for her unique style, kind words and her strength. she's an inspiration. and she's so nice too :) plus she made the cutest video a few days back i think

Nadia seems like such a warm person, and i also believe she's received this, she's blogged for a while and has so many followers but i love her posts and her clothing of course :P:P

This lovely Kelsey left such a nice comment, and after reading her blog and ahh canadian once again, i just loved it. she does so many activities and it shows on her bloggie of course.

Rose's blog i've just recently started reading and im so glad i did, she commented on my post once and it was a happy day :) she's kind, full of wisdom (sound familiar aha) and has so much to offer, i love reading her cooking stories and admiring the lovely photography and just reading the words on her page.

ahh that's 15!!!
my goodness i want to tag about everyone, and write about them and just make sure they realise how incredible they are. so if you are reading this, this is all for you because each and every one of you make me happy :D <--- see a smiiile.

before i left, i had a few things that kept me a bit sane :) i mean reading my beloved harry, on the last book for the i dunno how many times, so its soon over once again. also listening to this brilliant classical station in my city, where i discovered this* song...which i've listened to so many times. we have a stereo here so i can play the station too, almost feels like home you know?

my dad's family dinner celebration was last weekend, i baked a cake! 1/2 a cake, well it was just a single layer so i cut it and tried to make that half look...:) and oh my god okay i had everything out and it was meant to be a simple white cake (butter cake i think it was called) and i was going to make the icing from scratch with my mom from an old "fannie farmer" cook book. so like i call it fatty farmer aha not because of the author, whom i've never met or anything, but because its just like rich things. or maybe its normal/basic things which just happen to be full of fat. anywho. my dad's birthday, so i wanted to please him. he is quite hesitant to allow me to make things in case i like do some low fat thing. he wanted chocolate but i asked if, for just once, we could do something else, and suggested perhaps butterscotch or caramel, or perhaps chocolate with another icing. so i had the ingredients all out, the flour, what not and made it...then looked (as it was in the oven and i was thinking something is wrong) it was whole wheat flour so i was like efffffff!!! baha, it actually was okay, i think the icing saved it but my dad said he liked the flavour it was sort of cornbread-like with the flour. but wow i felt so dumb honest like...jen one thing you had to do and you efffed it up.

do you like?

it feels strange to blog so late, i started this one yesterday and wasn't meaning on posting, but i thought it might be a while till i get my photos and such, of breakfasts and what not. plus this day has been a real bitch and a half and i had to go to class and would have posted around 5 ish but it wouldn't work, save, anything...i think its because i did part of it in word? anyway. i just want this to work out....
please keep being amazing, incredible, lovely all of you okay???
lots of love


Saturday, January 15, 2011

i remember how it was

hey lovelies:):)

today's breakfast (not a photo...i don't even want to start thinking about my camera's illness at the moment...too much to handle, but i nearly threw the thing on the kitchen floor after it kept dying despite recharging, and my food got warm and ugh not cool jen)...
cold cereal mixture
with banana, almonds walnuts, wheat germ, cinnamon and non fat soymilk mmm. shreddies, organic wheat squares, mini shredded wheat, bran-flake type mix with slivered almonds and a vanilla flavour.

perhaps the camera mishap was a good thing, for i discovered this brilliant weheartit photo :) i love cold cereal, this differed from mine this morning but i just love the variety and its rather refreshing. plus i just love cereal period.

it was closer to this, with a bunch of things in the mix :) recycled from some time ago

wow its totally snowing out, just noticed that. i can't believe how much we're getting, its just coming and coming and coming. and its constantly overcast pretty much :(
but i guess that's what we call winter. nothing new really but it still surprises me, we don't normally get this much in the city were i live, though when i lived a little further north in a small town as a child, we got SOooo much :O

ahh so school has begun once again. durnnn. im not as excited as i used to be, its not like school where you see your friends, get all keen about marks and such...i mean, it should be, im not very motivated and i don't know why. but the sad thing is its more crucial than every for me to be trying my very utmost hardest (does that even makes sense grammatically??? aha probably not, hence my lack of "keen-ness"...:( )

so ive been up to quite a lot since i last posted i guess. i went away, just for a day with my family but it was filled with, and im not kidding here SOOO much fear stuff for me like challenges beyond challenges beyond challenges...not just with ed stuff, actually not a ton of that, though i did make some discoveries...but just with other things that i don't think i've spoken/written?? about much on here, so they might not make much sense...BUT. it was a short family thing, in honour of my dad's sixtieth (eee-gaddds!) and we ate out for lunch, dinner, breakfast, and of course stayed in a hotel and such. it was actually short but seemed like forever, honestly. but i found that, despite causing me ridiculous amounts of anxiety and panic attacks and such, some of the time i was happy, like while eating with my family i often just forgot about worries and had fun.

in the morning, my brother and dad ate at the hotel (it was the Hilton but like a collection of hotels honestly it reminded me of a resort, it was maasssive and like we were on the 33rd floor but there were many more, and many "towers" so we were the north one and had to take a specific elevator aha...anywho they ate at the included hotel area and my mom and i wondered over to another a-la-carte restaurant in another hotel, it was called "famous" and reminded me of a new-york-style diner, with the black and white photos of older actors like Marilyn Monroe and such. it actually did remind me of when i was in nyc last, we would have breakfast out, and they served things like oatmeal. anyway, no photos of the trip as i was thinking about other things and not wanting to photograph food. though i sort of wished i had, my mom and i got the same...a muffin each (like bakery muffins!) and oatmeal. i asked and she said it was made with water and from scratch, but wow humongous portions, plus i had that muffin on the side remember. we just talked and looked around and ate, drank (so fareeaking weak :( ) coffee that refilled often :P and i ended up having most of the big muffin and crumbling some in my oats which i had just plain, no sugar or what not (and of course they didn't have it with banana)...i looked strange but whatever :P but the muffin was such a change, white flour probably and it was called banana something but it tasted like a cinnamon thing, like it had a huge top with possibly cinnamon and sugar on top, then a banana sort of flavour for the muffin itself, and it reminded me of my childhood. im not sure why, maybe because i just didn't care about eating white things or having huge muffins, and i ate more of a variety of things for breakfast, i mean i think i do now but its often something involving cereal, hot or cold, bowl of somethin' :P...but this was different. i want to make something like that. but that would be a challenge, since i consider it breakfast food so i don't want to make it with white flour...and somehow its okay for me to eat something like that at times...but making it myself feels like im doing something naughty i have no idea why aha!

i attempted to search for the perfect photo, and made the mistake of putting in large muffin tops...gahhh. i couldn't find it, it was a bit different than the one above, looked crispy rather than doughy on the outside. ANYWAY...point is, it made me happy :) it was a strange feeling, just like mmm this is good, tastes like theres probably a bit of butter in it...probably a lot. but it wasn't like greasy gross or anything. i felt okay afterward too, which surprised me. i was worried i'd feel sick.

i've been searching for more blogs to read, i used to have a lot, then i tried to limit the number as it became overwhelming. i've been looking at this girlie's lately, i don't know her (like haven't spoken to her) but i believe she's stopped blogging, or at least has veered away because she doesn't want to think about anorexia, like she's much recovered and that's really amazing. its good that she's happy and i know love of girls/boys stop as it becomes sort of depressing and nostalgic in a negative sense to dwell on certain things. anyway i do love her blog though, i wish i had read it in "real-time" aha when she was writing so i could leave comments. oh well :P

i know that its not great to dwell on your problems, and in the past and everything, but honestly i love reading blogs written (wonderfully) by those who i have much in common with, and who are possibly struggling with some things but are just SO strong and inspiring, and i just wish i could meet all of you for real and be friends. seriously, ahh that would be amaaazing :) if only....

hmm...i saw black swan with my friend this past weekend. WOW. i really really really loved it. i was scared to see it in the beginning because my parents saw it and didn't like it and i'd heard negative things plus the trailer creaped the eff out of me, so i thought i'd die. but the thing is, it wasn't just gore for the sake of nothing, it had a point to it and i was enthralled. it surprised me. but mainly i love both the leads and thought they did brilliantly. have you seen any good films lately? or, i mean films that
you loved.

my comfy christmas slippers that i've worn to death...

that would be the same meal. different zooms (yes, oh yes im all up in the camera lingo)

and i did eat lunch here...carrots, applesauce, yummy spelt
artizan bread with apricot preserves and almonds slices,
along with 1% cottage cheese (l.s) with freshly ground
pepper. amaze. i never though i'd like pepper because its hot,
so i would think, why would i do that, but this pepper is not its
more sweet, if that makes any sense. lovely with c-cheese.
thats how i write it on my grocery list :P

mmm see i never get formspring things normally and i was so excited to get a question but it was something like do you not eat lunch or dinner, and is that why i just put bfast photos...i nearly cried :P ahh so sad. but here you go..

i feel more motivated to blog, sort of to release feelings and stuff. i wish my life was more of a joy to read about though :P but i will try to post a lot more, not just for the sake of it, but because i have a point. jen :)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

wednesday january fifth

hey lovelies:):)

i hope everyone had a great holiday! mine was iffy, mixture of good and bad i guess. although i think that's sort of common. it used to be pretty much all great, when i was a kid though :P

this morning's breakfast was multigrain oats with cinnamon and raw almonds, along with organic wheat squares, flax granola and non fat soy milk, wheatgerm :) and coffee of course :P

im going away for a short bit this week with my family. i used to always love vacations and such, like staying in hotels. but this time im like super anxious about it, eating out, being away from home and just away from things that im used to. which is super sad :( so i guess its good that im doing this. will be a challenge. i guess i'm supposed to do something like that, scary and challenging, every day you know? but the thing is, i always feel like im being challenged even with little things. so i never breeze through anything at all.

tea can be relaxing, especially celestial seasonings sleepytime>

this is the first year, that i can recall, that i haven't really made resolutions. this will sound sort of pathetic and depressing but like, i know too much now and i know that by simply saying something, it might not happen. and, to me, i feel like im making resolutions every minute so why shoudl i just start this year fresh? it seems to optimistic, like i know i have to make things happen. i used to be the queen (..princess?) of saying im going to change and being like, it will be better and always thinking the grass is greener on the other side, because when things are total shat you can only really look on the bright side...otherwise you have nothing to look forward to. so i guess that's my attitude at the moment. that and taking each day at a time. i know i want to live, despite wanting to escape at several instances in the day...i do want to do great things and i have to get better in many different aspects of my life, in order to achieve what i really dream for.

picture perfect example of escapism...through literature
.......(specifically harry potter)

phewf...enough of that! i hope everyone was able to spend lots of time with family and friends during the holidays :) tonight my parents are going to see the social network i think...without me. that's cool, im not offended at all...:P i actually want to see that film though, i think jessie eisenberg is nominated for a golden globe? i've heard quite amazing reviews. but alas....i shall see it another time perhaps. i want to relax and watch something, a film...i never get to choose anything on tv here. well that's because i don't like to touch the remote...gahhh its so germy though ickyickyicky (along with many other things). im a bit of a germ freak if that's not clear :P

a few food photographs from the past little while...

breakfast of cream of wheat with cinnamon, raw almonds,
organic wheat squares, flax granola, soy milk and a dollop
of apricot preserves mmm

hmm i guess it was just one. oops..i will return with many more, i just have to get myself together. and learn how to take proper photos of course.

lots of love (and i mean that)