difficult to see

hi there loves :) i hope you’re enjoying may, it’s been pretty crazy weather-wise. disgustingly warm one day, and then a bit cooler now which i prefer. but im still not ready for summer and hot weather. not at all. i feel like we missed spring, or it went from cold to hot too quickly. actually, winter was pretty mild here! we hardly got any snow as well.

this morning’s breakfast was “banana hazelnut oats”; i just like making names for it, but it was old fashion oatmeal & oatbran cooked with banana, cinnamon, ginger, raw almonds and hazelnuts and topped with crystallized ginger, a few tbsp brown rice krispies and some skim milk poured on top! and coffee beforehand, but peppermint tea with breakfast.

i’ve been having the most conflicting thoughts lately. i guess i always sort of experience that, and maybe i shouldn’t be writing this all down. but i feel like i have to, its inside my head and i want to sort it out. and i don’t think i’ve be honest about things, well i mean i don’t think ive been very open about actual weight stuff…so this might be a first. this is really long by the way, but i’m sure you can tell by the massive paragraphs below.

i don’t want to say “triggering stuff ahead”  because i mean, it’s a blog and its about eating issues, anxiety, depression. i feel like it’s obviously going to be ‘triggering’ if people are triggered by posts about weight and food and anything eating-related. but i guess, if you don’t want to see that, and i understand. just don’t read it. because i feel like no one understand this (in my life, i mean i know a lot of you do, and i’m sorry if these words up ahead irritate, hurt, insult you in any way. i hate assumptions and i’m also sorry if i make any, i’m not trying to sound like i know everything. believe me i never think of myself as someone who knows a lot…well a lot of negative things maybe). and i’m not sure if i’m just weird, and am never going to be okay with how i look, because every time i read about someone’s recovery or journey or, ugh idk how they feel about changing, it’s never quite like what i am experiencing. i know you’re probably thinking ‘duh of course its not, everyone is different’. but i’m serious. i feel like i’m the only person that truly does not want to go back to what i was before, to what i used to be. and this is totally superficial, physical, vain perhaps. people say that eds are, “ugh, oh my god no one understands, it’s not about weight!!!” …but honestly, that’s exactly what it’s about for me. i really don’t want to be as high (weight) as i was before. i hate to say, “heavy”, because, okay i don’t think i was really heavy. but i didn’t like it. i don’t like it. but i know i have no choice, because often my body just gains randomly or maybe i’ll just start gaining for no reason, i have a horrible relationship with food at times and i have had so in the past. i’ve gained and felt awful. i’ve never consciously gained though, as in…i am trying to gain weight sort-of-thing. it happened when i didn’t want it to and i felt so out of control. but people often seem to say, i want to just go back to what i was before, i looked fine, i liked myself, and it’s their mind that changed, their thoughts and they want to return to someone who didn’t think about food like this. or weight, control, etc. but they looked fine before, and i keep seeing photos of people and i don’t understand how they could ever not like themselves because they truly looked absolutely gorgeous and amazing and, just someone that i would really love to be around. but that’s not me. i didn’t like myself, physically or, anything really. and i don’t want to go back to hating myself. i don’t love how i look now, i’m not saying that…but i dislike it less, and i don’t feel as big, and i can’t get past the idea that i will have to go back to that, and maybe even more. because it makes me so anxious and sick and disgusted and im sorry if that sounds awful but confidence, for me, sure its about the inside but it is also so much about how i look and how i like myself. and, trust me, if i hate how i look and hate myself, i won’t be happy. and i just don’t understand why i can’t look fine and be fine and just, ugh be pretty or thin or whatever, and be happy. idk this is all a big fat mess i know.

im also just so superstitious about everything, and i was talking with my parents about this. and how people have set weights/targets…its odd because the only target i’ve had in my mind is obviously losing not gaining. i hate how stereotypical or pro-ana i sound right now. i promise that i’m not, but i might as well be honest because i spend most of my time trying to be something that i’m not. anyway! :/ i totally understand if you’ve pressed the x at this point. but i was having these awful thoughts about certain numbers and knowing how much worse i’d feel, physically and mentally (the thing is my stomach symptoms, anxiety, fears and what not were still very much present when i was at a higher weight, making it even harder to see this in a positive light)…and then i realised that i was being stupid, and that my body will probably just do what it wants to do and gain, or keep having symptoms, etc because i just feel out of control (or not in control) anyway, and here was thinking i’d be able to maintain on what i wanted or go lower when really, like i have in the past, i might just end up gaining without meaning to and…idk i guess keep going and going and going? i know that’s a fear for a lot of people, and i read that in so many places, yet it’s not irrational if it really happens…and i can’t get over that. i realise how superficial this all sounds, but to me it is important. i feel like i really am not in control of my body and it does what it wants to. and its usually something that i don’t like or something that’s harmful, etc. and i don’t mean losing. does any of this make sense. probably not. i feel like im just going on about random stuff, and i have no idea what you think…most of you probably think im crazy or something. i always get scared that if i say something like, oh i don’t want to gain, or i don’t agree with that number, blahhh…then as payback my body will be like, you know what jen? deal with it. here’s a bunch of weight here, and i’ll just make you binge, or make you throw up, have awful intestinal and stomach issues, become more depressed, etc etc etc. those are just some of the things that i really seriously fear, i realise that a lot of it seems odd to you, but i’ve explained a lot of my fears and anxiety before and…well i know a lot of it seems weird. so i hesitate to say more. i just also really focus so much on what others think of me, both my appearance but also my personality, intelligence…and i really worry that i’ve blown it and made myself look ever worse. even though, i realise that i don’t know any of you (well apart from a couple!!!) in real life. and you are all really kind…yet i know that people have different sides, and i’ve probably been nice on one hand, and a bit insincere at other times….i mean we’re just human. so i feel like people aren’t always so honest. that, or someone keeps asking me random intrusive questions on formspring that are making me slightly paranoid. but yes i bring that upon myself, idk why i keep it. well i guess because sometimes people asking funny things or say something nice…i realise that’s so silly…to keep something like that hoping someone will ask or say something nice. its like i’m seeking approval, in some sick way.

ughhh. im sorry that this has become so long. and i hate how im always apologizing, i realise that it loses it’s meaning when i throw it around like this. but i think i’ve always meant it when i say sorry. i really wanted to make a more positive post, and then i also wanted to write about this…yet i never thought that it would take up so much space. im not sure if i can salvage this…but i will try‘

i only have a few of these left as i bought them on iherb at the end of last year, and they don’t sell minis (of anything, really) here, which is sad :( i wish they had all of them in minis, like the peppermint and cinnamon raisin, etc though we don’t even get the raisin one here. i hope they bring it over soon!

i started this post last night, so it actually is pretty muggy out, and feels and smells humid. they are calling for cooler weather, but i’m not sure if that’s going to happen. oh, well. what-chu-gonna-do? …aha did anyone watch america’s got talent last night? i just caught the end part, and that man was too funny. he was so freaking gaunt though :o we have canada’s got talent, but they just finished the first season i think. i didn’t watch it though, really. i don’t watch much reality shows though martin short was judging and he’s too cute. but howie mandel, i know he lives in the states but i wish he was judging canada’s version because…well, he’s canadian.

i think that’s all, i don’t want to fall into the same trap that i did in the first section of this post, so i’ll go now ;P hope all is well, lots of love

xoxox

my dark cloud

 

hey there ;P …

happy monday loves :) spring is definitely moving along! its a bit scary, actually. time is going too quickly ;( soon i’ll be another year older, i am not even going to tell you the number. but it makes me sad.

i don’t know where to go with this, so i’ll change topics. ive been trying to do things each day, stuff that makes me anxious. which isn’t a huge feat because everything makes me anxious. but whatever, see its just that i’ve realised that in order to become less anxious and panicky and stressed, i have to do more things. but i know i’'ll experience the awful physical and mental/emotional symptoms while doing this, so that is what’s really making me feel hopeless. because i already feel like shit most of the time, so why would i want to purposely make myself feel, additionally (?) shitty...do you have some sort of experience with this? do you just like suck it up? or is it easier each time? its making life a lot worse i think. but i also try to calm myself, or read, watch a film. if that helps. sometimes it does, and other times it doesn’t.

this is just my favourite show in the universe…erky perky. if you have anything to say about it be nice or i’ll probably cry, it’s an australian-canadian co production i believe. oh gosh. ytv kids at 10:10 in the morning, after little bear. yea. i know. i don’t care. i don’t, even. that’s mad margaret and cecil, by the way…

the title of this post is actually from a book i’m reading (or re-reading for the billionth time, since i was ten i think) but i just did a quick search, and someone had asked “can someone please remove this dark cloud over my head” on yahoo, and the first response made me smile. so much ;) sorry if you wrote this btw. i didn’t cite it…

I think I can help. I have a white crayon in my pocket and maybe a sky blue somewhere. I'm going to chase your dark cloud away and send you a big bag of sunshine instead. A bright star is also on the way!

aw how cute is that?!?

for some reason i really want to read goosebumps…but i think we got rid of our numerous copies, which kills me. i used to read them for fun, then regret it afterward when  i’d be scared out of my mind. the same thing is true with the television episodes. i know some people don’t think they’re scary, but they’ve always really creeped me out. i used to just read one book at once, over an hour or so. odd and perhaps a bit tmi but i remember taking one with me to the bathroom and reading the entire thing in like 50 min, but i stayed in there and had like an indent on my bum ;P is that really gross? sorry :( but it was a good book.

hm, anyway, i guess its just that returning-to-childhood memory stuff.

there is a program titled ‘the passionate eye’, which airs (usually) each sunday, and this past week the episode was about a tsunami ‘caught on video’; this referred to the 2004 earthquake and tsunami which hit indonesia and thailand, killing 230,000 people.

i can’t explain it, but it was so shocking. often we watch videos, and it’s not real. it can be horrifying, but at least we can reassure ourselves, jen, that person is not dead, it’s not real. this film was captured in real time, so you would see people trying to hold onto their loved ones while the water just rushed by. and then, they would just break off and be lost underneath. the film also showed interviews of those who had survived.

many of them were so emotional when they re-told the stories of  how they were swept away into the ocean, broken. days after, families were still searching for their children or parents, or spouses. and they would come across photos of dead bodies. oh my god, it was awful. a man was talking about how he lost his two kids when the first waves hit, but days afterward found his son’s name attached to a hospital. but he couldn’t find his daughter. his son asked whether she’d been discovered and, when his dad said ‘no..’ he replied…'then we won’t find her, dad’. i guess he had been with her when they separated, and he knew that if she had not yet been found, then she’d be dead. i can’t stop thinking about it, and hearing the voices or watching these people talk about what happened to them. i guess i often think that these things don’t really happen. you don’t realise how real its is unless you witness it yourself. it seems like something out of a film. but it happened to them and it could happen to anyone. i’m not sure how to explain it, but it just really scared me. i just keep thinking, what if that happened to someone in my family? i don’t really think about myself, or if i were in that position. honestly, i think i’d die if a family member, parent, etc died, that sounds ridiculous, but i just feel sick thinking about it. i honestly don’t think i’d be able to cope.

anyway, wow i’m pretty positive today :/

 

i seem to post the moist unattractive photos of myself. but theres not point in pretending its anything different ;P best to just be honest. my parents are back soon, which means that this little thang will be leaving. i say little, but i totally made a mistake a few days ago. she is supposed to get like 5 treats (greenies i think they’re called) each day, and i had emptied one bag on a shelf high up, so that i could just let her have a few at a time. and i didn’t know she could get up there, but the pile kept diminishing, yet i was just like…hmph..that’s odd. and moved along. but she had been jumping up there and eating a bunch, probably like thirty in a couple of days and i freaked out (at her and in my head) worried that she’d be sick, or get really big. my parents were like, don’t let her have that many jen, she can only have five max. she hasn’t been given any for a few days though, and i think it will be okay. but she out-smarted me. i also feel as though i messed up on that one duty. its like i have no sense of responsibility and tend to fuck things up all the time. with my own life, and now with hers. i mean she’s just an innocent cat, and just believes in her owners and thinks that everything is okay.

i think that’s about it :p hope that all is well with everyone, i’d love to hear more about how you’re all doing. much love xoxox

mommy dearest ;(

 

hello loves :) happy may! and happy saturday ;P …..

well, this morning i had a bowl of oats, a nice melange of quick and old fashion (extra-thick! …bob’s red mill) oats, with dark raisins, pear & raw almonds, cinnamon and ginger and topped with crystallized ginger and almond milk. i ate something similar a little while ago, which is shown below ;P but, close enough.

i still don’t love pear in oats, they lose their sweetness and i normally just rely on bananas to sweeten my oats. but i didn’t have one in my cereal today, so i had hoped the raisins would help. i added a tiny bit of dark natural honey part way through ;)

its so freaking hot today i want to die. blahhh. i went for a short run this morning and, out of the sun, it wasn’t too bad. but i don’t enjoy running in heat. everyone else seems to love it though.

so im different.

i have been slowly packing my things, as im moving home for a short while. but, most of it will be in storage for when i get my own place (again, though this could possibly be my own apartment or condo. dreaming but hopefully it could happen soon! after i start working more regularly, and so on…) and i have also been decorating in the process.

which seems sort of pointless.

but i’ll be using much of the furniture (like my armoire) in the new place. both doors have a few things on the inside; one is more fashion-inspired, but the other reflects films, movies and art. you see, as i was putting things into bins i went through much of my old teen vogues, i guess i haven’t subscribed in a few years. but i have kept a pretty massive stack. so i took some of the things from there, which is why some of these photos are dated. but they are from my favourite issues or articles, segments.

ugh. well lately my life is sort of shit. all-time low, we’re talking here. im not sure when i became so dependent; like a child, really. its pretty sad.

the title was just from something i came across in one of the old issues (ironically it was about negative mother-daughter relationships…or, destructive/unhealthy, sort of..), but it sort of connects. i promise im not that much of a baby. but i do have some weird issues with change and seeing certain people. go. i don’t even live at home, but its always been more than the ‘norm’ in terms of how i feel. sorry that sentence was horrible. aha i can’t write anymore ;( my parents are away for a couple of weeks, and im supposed to check on the house a bit. and my evey (cat) ;) is here with us (my brother and me). she often stays with us when my parents are away. but my brother is also on some work training retreat, or resort thing. so i haven’t actually been alone overnight in this place (our apartment) over the past year and a bit that we’ve been here. i’ve been at my house or family home a lot overnight and sometimes for a week, and when i was at Dal for uni, i was always alone (except in residence). so i just wanted to clear  that up ;P my parents have always made sure that i leave home for periods, ever since i was, like, eight i guess for camp.

i guess i sort of thought that, by posting today, it might make me feel better. i know its the internet, but i still feel connected to most of you, which makes me feel slightly less alone. (i say today but i really mean yesterday, i tried to post this but wasn’t finished at all…and got mixed up with other things that i had to do. and other thoughts.) alas! …anyway. i just really wanted to be able to use ‘alas’, i think that worked though, right? ive been watching too much harry potter. and i really want some bertie botts beans :) good ones, or just yummy jelly bellies.

its taken me too long to write this up…i was out doing things and still haven’t completed it, so ive been creating this post in stages. its evening now, but i had a lovely walk back. it was a bit chilly but much nicer than the past few days, and no humidity. so, much better & thus im much happier. well, with  the weather anyway ;P that’s all really, i know it isn’t much of a post, and i hesitate to go on and share more. because a lot of stuff is going on and i really don’t know what is going to happen to me or how im going to fix myself, but i feel like there is little reason to mention it (for privacy reasons but also because its not helping any of you to just expose everything!)

but…in a way i also want to talk to people, especially to those who have been in sort-of-similar situations. maybe i wouldn’t feel as lonely. so, if you’re reading this, i’d obviously love to talk to you more :) and i really appreciate the people who i’ve connected with, as they have been very helpful, kind & supportive. anyway, this is so awkward and sappy now. so i’ll just…uhm, go now… hehe..okay, talk to you later, lots of love. xoxox