hi there loves :) i hope you’re enjoying may, it’s been pretty crazy weather-wise. disgustingly warm one day, and then a bit cooler now which i prefer. but im still not ready for summer and hot weather. not at all. i feel like we missed spring, or it went from cold to hot too quickly. actually, winter was pretty mild here! we hardly got any snow as well.
this morning’s breakfast was “banana hazelnut oats”; i just like making names for it, but it was old fashion oatmeal & oatbran cooked with banana, cinnamon, ginger, raw almonds and hazelnuts and topped with crystallized ginger, a few tbsp brown rice krispies and some skim milk poured on top! and coffee beforehand, but peppermint tea with breakfast.
i’ve been having the most conflicting thoughts lately. i guess i always sort of experience that, and maybe i shouldn’t be writing this all down. but i feel like i have to, its inside my head and i want to sort it out. and i don’t think i’ve be honest about things, well i mean i don’t think ive been very open about actual weight stuff…so this might be a first. this is really long by the way, but i’m sure you can tell by the massive paragraphs below.
i don’t want to say “triggering stuff ahead” because i mean, it’s a blog and its about eating issues, anxiety, depression. i feel like it’s obviously going to be ‘triggering’ if people are triggered by posts about weight and food and anything eating-related. but i guess, if you don’t want to see that, and i understand. just don’t read it. because i feel like no one understand this (in my life, i mean i know a lot of you do, and i’m sorry if these words up ahead irritate, hurt, insult you in any way. i hate assumptions and i’m also sorry if i make any, i’m not trying to sound like i know everything. believe me i never think of myself as someone who knows a lot…well a lot of negative things maybe). and i’m not sure if i’m just weird, and am never going to be okay with how i look, because every time i read about someone’s recovery or journey or, ugh idk how they feel about changing, it’s never quite like what i am experiencing. i know you’re probably thinking ‘duh of course its not, everyone is different’. but i’m serious. i feel like i’m the only person that truly does not want to go back to what i was before, to what i used to be. and this is totally superficial, physical, vain perhaps. people say that eds are, “ugh, oh my god no one understands, it’s not about weight!!!” …but honestly, that’s exactly what it’s about for me. i really don’t want to be as high (weight) as i was before. i hate to say, “heavy”, because, okay i don’t think i was really heavy. but i didn’t like it. i don’t like it. but i know i have no choice, because often my body just gains randomly or maybe i’ll just start gaining for no reason, i have a horrible relationship with food at times and i have had so in the past. i’ve gained and felt awful. i’ve never consciously gained though, as in…i am trying to gain weight sort-of-thing. it happened when i didn’t want it to and i felt so out of control. but people often seem to say, i want to just go back to what i was before, i looked fine, i liked myself, and it’s their mind that changed, their thoughts and they want to return to someone who didn’t think about food like this. or weight, control, etc. but they looked fine before, and i keep seeing photos of people and i don’t understand how they could ever not like themselves because they truly looked absolutely gorgeous and amazing and, just someone that i would really love to be around. but that’s not me. i didn’t like myself, physically or, anything really. and i don’t want to go back to hating myself. i don’t love how i look now, i’m not saying that…but i dislike it less, and i don’t feel as big, and i can’t get past the idea that i will have to go back to that, and maybe even more. because it makes me so anxious and sick and disgusted and im sorry if that sounds awful but confidence, for me, sure its about the inside but it is also so much about how i look and how i like myself. and, trust me, if i hate how i look and hate myself, i won’t be happy. and i just don’t understand why i can’t look fine and be fine and just, ugh be pretty or thin or whatever, and be happy. idk this is all a big fat mess i know.
im also just so superstitious about everything, and i was talking with my parents about this. and how people have set weights/targets…its odd because the only target i’ve had in my mind is obviously losing not gaining. i hate how stereotypical or pro-ana i sound right now. i promise that i’m not, but i might as well be honest because i spend most of my time trying to be something that i’m not. anyway! :/ i totally understand if you’ve pressed the x at this point. but i was having these awful thoughts about certain numbers and knowing how much worse i’d feel, physically and mentally (the thing is my stomach symptoms, anxiety, fears and what not were still very much present when i was at a higher weight, making it even harder to see this in a positive light)…and then i realised that i was being stupid, and that my body will probably just do what it wants to do and gain, or keep having symptoms, etc because i just feel out of control (or not in control) anyway, and here was thinking i’d be able to maintain on what i wanted or go lower when really, like i have in the past, i might just end up gaining without meaning to and…idk i guess keep going and going and going? i know that’s a fear for a lot of people, and i read that in so many places, yet it’s not irrational if it really happens…and i can’t get over that. i realise how superficial this all sounds, but to me it is important. i feel like i really am not in control of my body and it does what it wants to. and its usually something that i don’t like or something that’s harmful, etc. and i don’t mean losing. does any of this make sense. probably not. i feel like im just going on about random stuff, and i have no idea what you think…most of you probably think im crazy or something. i always get scared that if i say something like, oh i don’t want to gain, or i don’t agree with that number, blahhh…then as payback my body will be like, you know what jen? deal with it. here’s a bunch of weight here, and i’ll just make you binge, or make you throw up, have awful intestinal and stomach issues, become more depressed, etc etc etc. those are just some of the things that i really seriously fear, i realise that a lot of it seems odd to you, but i’ve explained a lot of my fears and anxiety before and…well i know a lot of it seems weird. so i hesitate to say more. i just also really focus so much on what others think of me, both my appearance but also my personality, intelligence…and i really worry that i’ve blown it and made myself look ever worse. even though, i realise that i don’t know any of you (well apart from a couple!!!) in real life. and you are all really kind…yet i know that people have different sides, and i’ve probably been nice on one hand, and a bit insincere at other times….i mean we’re just human. so i feel like people aren’t always so honest. that, or someone keeps asking me random intrusive questions on formspring that are making me slightly paranoid. but yes i bring that upon myself, idk why i keep it. well i guess because sometimes people asking funny things or say something nice…i realise that’s so silly…to keep something like that hoping someone will ask or say something nice. its like i’m seeking approval, in some sick way.
ughhh. im sorry that this has become so long. and i hate how im always apologizing, i realise that it loses it’s meaning when i throw it around like this. but i think i’ve always meant it when i say sorry. i really wanted to make a more positive post, and then i also wanted to write about this…yet i never thought that it would take up so much space. im not sure if i can salvage this…but i will try‘
i only have a few of these left as i bought them on iherb at the end of last year, and they don’t sell minis (of anything, really) here, which is sad :( i wish they had all of them in minis, like the peppermint and cinnamon raisin, etc though we don’t even get the raisin one here. i hope they bring it over soon!
i started this post last night, so it actually is pretty muggy out, and feels and smells humid. they are calling for cooler weather, but i’m not sure if that’s going to happen. oh, well. what-chu-gonna-do? …aha did anyone watch america’s got talent last night? i just caught the end part, and that man was too funny. he was so freaking gaunt though :o we have canada’s got talent, but they just finished the first season i think. i didn’t watch it though, really. i don’t watch much reality shows though martin short was judging and he’s too cute. but howie mandel, i know he lives in the states but i wish he was judging canada’s version because…well, he’s canadian.
i think that’s all, i don’t want to fall into the same trap that i did in the first section of this post, so i’ll go now ;P hope all is well, lots of love