Friday, December 30, 2011

“it’s the little things that…”

hey lovelies :):)

i awoke to more snowwwww. yes. they called for rain, which i thought would melt the snow. i had planned a run and just sort of got ready anyway, though i was anxious for some reason and not feeling that great. story of my life, really. i finally said, do it jen! just go, you silly arse. (first time i’ve used that saying by the way, and i like it). it was not too cold but very hard to run on snow, sort of like on sand. you have no grip, plus there was ice beneath it as i noticed the last time i ran….and slush on other parts of the road. a short run but i was glad i went and it made me feel a little bit happy. it was refreshing. that’s the word. and hopefully a healthy choice for me.

you see loves,  i’m trying to choose healthy habits. i have some, not too many, and many unhealthy habits. so i hope i continue to expand the former and start to feel better. that is my dream anyway…whether it pulls through or not, well that’s partly up to me. yet i am still convinced someone out there hates me and is dealing me shitty cards all the time. if that sounds ungrateful. well then i’m ungrateful. but honestly, i don’t want to get into all of it but i just haven’t been doing that well in a number of aspects of my life and health and mind.

after returning this morning, i showered, did a few things on my computer and realised i was laaate. so i got ready. and arrived in my kitchen to wash, turn on the coffee maker and begin preparation for breakfast. yes, by late i just meant late for breakfast :) teheee…it was quite nice, but nothing new really. it’s something i have often after a run morning, and doesn’t take too long but still consists of oats in some form:

plain oats microwaved with 1/2 banana, tbsp natural almonds, cinnamon&ginger, topped with 8 bite size shredded wheat, a few small ginger pieces and a bit of milk

it stays quite hot for a while, and i don’t mind adding some shredded wheat bites which sort of absorb the milk which i don’t usually like adding to oats. i know im a bit odd, and feel strange talking about food all the time like this :P …yea i need to watch my tongue smiley use on here apparently as i got called out on formspring…i just like them, they’re cute :/

this is actually my first time writing a post, not in blogspot. apparently my computer has an application that allows me to log on and see my blog, and the post can be written in more of a word document friendly style. i don’t know if this will work at all. but it’s cool to try at least once, you know?

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my new almond butter (which has not been opened…and i’ve had it for 1/2 year)

…i finally finished my natural smooth pb (just generic store brand ‘our compliments natural')  in the fridge and opened my pb+co operation smooth. so i wanted to make sure i didn’t have so many opened at once. so i will let you know how this goes but i used to eat almond butter all the time, when first tried it a few summers ago it was a daily lunch thing, sort of replacing natural pb. and i used this brand, and alto a store brand of lawblaws called ‘presidents choice’. this one is also canadian i believe . i’m not sure if you can tell but the side i showed you is in french. baha, i thought i’d be proud for a change, although i really don’t think you can even read it thanks to my skills at webcam photography…

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i’ve been having less brown rice lately but i also bought this a while ago. it’s backwards (ohhh how karen/’mean girls’ i am) but i’ve never purchased this before, any of his rice products. i just typically like to make everything to do with rice from scratch. well, i guess not entirely back to the grain, but you know. and this is partially cooked somehow and takes 10 minutes i think. i thought i would try it out. but it’s whole grain brown rice, Uncle Bens :)

i don’t like how my posts have been so down, and after yesterday’s i felt like writing again. but i just feel sort of silly letting you into my problems. is there anything you would like me to include? i guess it’s fun to simply roll with it, and do my own thing. but im so self-conscious and realise that my blog is not that good. and the only questions i seem to get are either appearance-related (in a negative way though) or about my typing or…smileys :) i thought i’d end on a fun note, this was from a while ago. well, probably 2 months, maybe 2.5? it makes no sense but i somehow got it to load this time when i wrote my post through windows live writer instead of on blogspot/blogger. i hope you still want to talk to me…and read my blog. and, yea…

the old video that never uploaded properly. i though i’d treat you. jokes. it’s not interesting at all + the audio is messed up. but it’s sort of amusing i guess

have a great weekend, and i hope you have fun celebrating the new year, please be happy, for me and for you as well :) you all deserve so much happiness and i hope this new year brings with it great memories, and much less struggles.

xox lots of love, jen

Thursday, December 29, 2011

snowy walks, cemeteries & reflections

hey lovelies :):)

i'm sorry that i left my last blurb on such an awful note. i don't apologize for publishing all of that though, i chose to do so. however, i didn't mean to spread the sadness or anything like that. i just wanted to continue being honest, even if that meant risking becoming too open. i wanted to make sure i came by again shortly after to try to salvage myself, lighten the mood, ensure anyone that i hadn't "signed off, "checked out early", however they say it these days...

but today started a bit late actually. not a bad thing though, and i sipped coffee while doing a bit of work/emails/etc (after eating a banana). i usually don't like to have my actual breakfast right away, but the banana is so that i can have some food before coffee, and i was a bit hungry :P i later enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal, themed with additions i don't typically use...

pear-gingersnap-oats :)

mixture of old fashion & quick oats cooked in water with 1/2 pear (shared with my brother...or forced upon him rather) cinnamon and ginger, tbsp golden raisins and natural almonds; topped with crystallized ginger, 3 crumbled organic sasha bread spelt-ginger-snaps + a touch of milk :P

yesterday i really thought about writing a post, not to share anything positive but to ask for help. i wasn't feeling better and felt like the sadness came back in strong waves (i hate saying that, it reminds me of sickness waves which i've had a lot and ugh i cringe to think about that)...also i've been feeling so sick lately. i wasn't sure if it was caused by a few things but i always expect the worse (in my mind, like my worse fears). plus the added anxiety of things that i was doing and focusing on regarding the holidays made it worse. and i hate that, because it used to be my favourite holiday.

anyway, i thought that i should wait a bit, and i decided to write today. i know that this is my blog, however i do feel responsible, at least somewhat, for the mood that i share with others. and i know that when i read a post that is very negative, either i can relate so much and feel less alone, or it simply triggers me so much, and i have to either force myself to read on, or just stop. which i don't like to do either. sometimes it doesn't help to share the gloom, you know? however, i believe that someone can write whatever helps them, and if writing about negative things helps, then i want them to do that. it's just that, well, i wasn't really asking for help or advice, i was simply stating it as it was. and i feel as though i may have hurt some people. i know i have few readers so i'm not trying to make myself out to be some high and mighty thing...but, well i don't want to lose those i do have.




i just came back from a little 'excursion' with my dad. well, he picked me up and we did some photography outside :) we drove to a nearby large city cemetery, it's a park essentially, quite private but i used to run in there a lot. and i never knew anyone buried there, but my uncle sam was actually just laid to rest there last tuesday. it was odd, and today the earth was still sitting quite high above as it takes a long time to settle i guess. he has a nice stone, with his last name. i'm not sure if my cousin plans to be there, or if my aunt wants to be put there as well. there is no inscription, or even his date of birth and death but i guess they will do that later. but today we didn't stay there, we walked around and took photos with a natural light. it's overcast and we've had a recent snow 'storm' which allowed it to accumulate on the ground. it was quite cold but a nice setting and light for taking photographs. i love walking through that cemetery, i find it so beautiful. it's quite old, and there are numerous large trees of all kinds, and such a variety of stones. but there is a paved road for bikes, cars, people. i always feel a bit awful walking on the grass areas where people are buried beneath me.

initially i was spazzing because i was late, and trying to eat my lunch (which included a hard boiled egg, but i had more dishes to clean because of it) and i was freaking out about a few things, not essentially 'normal' for anyone else so obviously there was no excuse for my lateness and i kept apologizing and then just became angry and bitter. i explained that i was sorry for being late (to my dad) but he sort of pushed it further, expressing his concern/exasperation/i don't know, that i would have a lot of trouble working more full-time, doing anything, being normal really if i was late and took so long to do things. he was right but i was already just anxious and not in a good place so it hit me a bit stronger. anyway...i enjoyed myself even though it was a bit chilly, and i focused on just talking with my dad, taking some shots, looking at inscriptions. i was using his camera, but i might show some of those photos in a little while when i'm about to use it again.

i'm sitting here enjoying the smell of maple from a really neat candle that my cousin gave to us all after they had us for Christmas dinner. it smells more like maple candy than syrup, but Canada is known for her maple syrup, and this is a wax-filled can (i guess used once for gathering syrup from a tree) and the wick has real wood in it, so it crackles when it's lit, which sounds like a fire crackling :) the candle uses a few forms of environmentally "friendly" construction i guess with the can, wax, wick...and it's just really cool. and yummy-smelling :P i hope i remember to blow it out. seriously though..my brother lit it the other times, and so i never really focused on that. he kept using my lighter and just announced that it was finished. so im making him (well asking him) to buy me another, as i don't remember using mine much lately yet its done...

well, i think that's enough for now. i hope you have all enjoyed your holidays, and have exciting and relaxing and pleasant plans for the rest of your break (if you have one..) or simply your week. i cannot believe it is nearly another year. i say that all the time but it really scares me! i guess i should just keep going, pretend that it's just life, moving along...wayyy too quickly. i feel so unaccomplished (well, at positive things..) and i'm reminded of this all the time, not just by myself. it's completely true though, i need to 'get my act together' as they say...so i shall go & try to do that :)


xox love jen

Monday, December 26, 2011

why am i so blue?

hey lovelies :):)

the day after christmas ;(

i woke up unrested & so drained, i felt like i had not slept. but i had planned a little run to try to feel a bit refreshed & maybe a bit happier? it didn't work. but nonetheless, i returned, showered & dressed and stumbled downstairs to put together something nourishing, in the hopes that it would make me feel slightly human. it helped a bit, and i managed to capture it's character with my camera :)



"banana honey almond-ed" oatmeal



plain oats with banana, cinnamon&ginger, almonds, shredded wheat, the bees knees pb+cp and milk

i thought that might be the cure. but something still wasn't right. why am i so sad? ...i asked myself.

i'm actually used to the whole "christmas blues", it happens every single year. even when i was younger, i would anticipate this day, look forward to it with excitement. it was almost surreal. and i would try to prolong the opening of gifts as, for some reason, that signified the end to me. it wasn't the presents, i didn't need those. but the whole feeling of Christmas would suddenly come to an end. and i would feel so lost and sad and just didn't understand why. i've been told that many people feel that, and children experience that same sadness...but surely not to such an extreme? i know that i'm different, and that i'm not normal. and i knew, then, that this wasn't ordinary end-of-holidays sadness.



yesterday began like any other. i woke up and realised that i didn't feel that excitement, giddiness. i've felt it each year of my life, and it was missing. i knew it was Christmas, i was happy. but i didn't feel happy. i have no reason to be this down. the morning continued on, stockings were opened, there was coffee :)

it was Christmas. i was with my family, in the midst of opening gifts and even enjoying a chocolate.


i just realised how odd this photo is, an oxymoron in picture form :)

we paused to have a little nibble while jennifer made breakfast...




oatbran & oats, cinnamon, ginger, almonds banana, vanilla...

...and continued to open gifts, smile, hug, and just enjoy Christmas. when it was all over, i was prepared to feel a bit down. but i wasn't expecting such a huge blow. suddenly, i felt so empty inside, and could only feel fear for the evening to come, where i would have dinner at my cousin's new house, and a few members of my extended family. i was moody and went downstairs to try to watch a Christmas film. hoping that it would lift my spirits. why was i feeling so sad? i didn't get it. my behaviour was not unnoticed by my family, and while i went for a walk with my parents, my dad simply asked me to "try to look happy". i responded with something along the lines of "i'm unhappy nearly every day, and put a smile on my face...at least let me be honest with you". what a bitch. why would anyone want to be with someone like that? i have no reason to be like this, to feel like this, to act like this. and spending the evening with my aunt, who had just lost her husband, should have at least taught me something.

that life is just too short. it's too short to be sad, and to be fearful, and to be angry and bitter and negative. but i don't chose to be like this...i would say to myself.
the feelings seem to come from some place else. i would gladly give my life to my uncle, who was clearly loved by so many people, as i witnessed during his funeral on friday. every single speech was heartfelt, and i watched with sadness as his close friends commented on his courage, his determination, his strength. and each person asked us to stop putting things off, to spend time with family, to live for each moment. it sounded so simple. but i couldn't do it.

last evening, as we were about to head home, my aunt realised that we had not spoken of her husband once that evening. 'we didn't even make a toast to sam', she said in horror. my mom, wanting to bring his name into our minds that evening, asked my aunt how long he was in the hospice for. 'two weeks..' was her response. she kept shaking her head, and finally said, 'they told me two months'...and she started to cry. i keep hearing those words in my mind today, the look on her face when she said that...i suddenly realised what she was trying to say, she felt robbed. there is such a huge different between two weeks and two months. sure, the end will be unbearable whenever it comes, but two weeks? it wasn't fair.

i guess i don't have a point to this. i don't know why im sad. but i know that i shouldn't be like this, life is not that hard. and i hate that i can spend so much time writing a stupid entry about my own sadness, instead of spending time figuring out how i can improve. i can make lists and plans and goals, but that's just something in my head, another image of what i want to be. and it's all so simple when you look at it from a certain point of view. but when i get into these moments, and feel that sadness, the goals and plans and lists don't really matter. all i can really think about is why am i so fucking sad?



of all the times that i could leave you with such a sad note, i chose the day after Christmas. but i really didn't plan this. every aspect of my life seems so planned, and i think about exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it. so when my routine is altered (which is most of the time, but of course that's only natural) i have trouble adjusting. i had hoped to write something merry, but this just sort of came out today.

but i do hope you enjoyed spending time with your families this holiday, whether you celebrate one or the other :)

xox love jen

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

sad news, christmastime

hello lovelies :):)

i hate to start a post on a negative note, so i shall show you a breakfast from last week at home :)

cinnamon-raisin-banana oaties ;)
oats with cinnamon&ginger, natural raw almonds, 1/2 banananana; topped with the last of my "pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl", a few shredded wheat squares and a touch of milk


i'm trying to use natural light, the first one is with no flash but both required a lot of touching up.
i'm still working on my (lack of..) skill.


unfortunately, mt uncle passed away sunday evening. i was quite shocked; it was definitely expected but i think he just suddenly crashed that morning when he began having trouble breathing, which meant that the cancer in his bread was truly taking over. i always hesitate to hare so much about someone else, and worry that im invading my family's privacy. but i know im not mentioning any names, and my cousin was so proud of him, putting up a link on facebook of his obituary in the globe and mail (a key canadian newspaper).

the private burial is today (which im meant to attend) and the funeral itself is on friday. i thought they were going to wait until after Christmas for that portion (partly because most of his family is from the states) but i guess my aunt and cousin want to deal with this before Christmas. and that's understandable.



i made these a few days ago :) they filled the house with a gingerbread & spices smell which was wonderful

i love ginger so so much :) i made a few slight changes, and put less flour as they were quite dense the last time. i think i added more molasses but it worked out well, they're quite sweet but the recipe originally calls for less sugar (probably because i increased the molasses :P)


to brighten the post, lighten the mood, here is something festive to show, having a bit of fun with my new camera, just amateur photos though, i'm not a professional :P





im sorry i couldn't cheer anyone up. i hope the next time we talk i can be happier :)
if Christmas comes before that, then merry Christmas to you all

xoxox
love, jen

Saturday, December 17, 2011

from bad to worse ;(

hey lovelies :):)

its really cold out today :O bitter, but sunny. i didn't know this until i stepped outside for a little run, in my fleece & puffy white vest :P i was pretty stylin, i have to say...

not. but nevertheless, i went out. my day has been pretty awful so far actually, its like one thing after another. some are trivial but still get to me. i felt sick and weak, then after getting showered, dressed, etc my breakfast failed so many times. it started with gross/stale oats i think, so i got new ones from a Quaker oats bag, but my banana was gone. so i got some sliced frozen ones as i didn't have ripe ones left. then, i went to pour the soy milk and shook the carton, but apparently some brilliant child (me...) didn't close it. so it went everywhere. lkjlkjlkj at this point i was hungry and just wanted my freaking breakfast. so centuries later i sat down to the breakfast below. my oats were still hot though, surprisingly :P


oats with cinnamon&ginger, almonds, 1/3rd crumbled apple-crisp crunchy nature valley bar, bite-size shredded wheat, milk

but how depressing am i??? change of topic. yesterday, my family & i had our photo taken. it took awhile and, well...i don't like how i look so that was a bit difficult. but i think it turned out sort of okay. we had the same photographer that took my photo when i was two :P same with my brother, though his was taken 4 years prior of course, as he's older. what has changed in twenty years? well, not much :P but i could sit still. when i was younger, i never could. and my mom told me that it was a bit of a nightmare taking the photo as i was on the chair for a split second....snap the photo. then i immediately jumped off.


i tried these for the first (i think??) time yesterday, they don't seem to sell the jocolats here. it was okay, but quite bitter. i like the chocolate chip/brownie (?) larabar more :P this was different though & i love the wrapper.

i'm about to set up my new camera though :) my dad has offered to help. i know :/ i haven;t even used it yet. the photos here, along with the last few, are taken with my dad's Nikon D-50 (i think thats how you say it). so im excited to try mine out :)

so...Christmas is in a week. gosh that is scary soon. i can't believe it's been a whole year. it's sad to realise that nothing has changed for the better. and i'm not the only one to mention the obvious. im so terrified that something bad is going to happen. i love this holiday but lately it causes so much stress and, since it mean so much to me, im worried that it won't be enjoyable. we're supposed to see both sides of the family. and, my concerns do not compare (in the slightest) to what my extended family is going through. on my mom's side, it's the first Christmas since my aunt died last august. and on my dad's side, it's the last Christmas to spend with his brother in law (my dad's sister's husband, my uncle...) he was diagnosed with brain cancer a little over two years ago, with a prognosis of two years. he underwent a few brain surgeries to keep removing parts of the tumour, but it was stage four when discovered, and too close to parts of his brain making it impossible to remove entirely. in the last few months he has gone downhill severely, and is now paralized on one side, along with other things, and he's in a hospice as it was becoming too difficult for his family at home. so, yea this year has been crap. the year of the cancers i guess :(

i hope you are all doing well though. do you like the holidays? which do you celebrate? i've always loved this season, but it's not quite the same as when i was younger. my best memories are probably of when i lived a bit further north in a small town. there was always so much snow all winter, and when i woke up Christmas morning i felt so giddy and excited and could not believe the day had actually arrived. my brother and i would wake up so early, and sometimes didnt go back to sleep. one year i remember we snuck down to the basement to watch tv until my parents got up, but for some reason picked a violent war film, not Christmas-ey at all :P and on Christmas eve, we would go to our local ski hill (resort) to watch people ski down one particular hill carrying little torches, it was so beautiful i remember :) it was called the "parade of lights" i think.



xoxox

love jen

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

just some thoughts...& something special :)

hey lovelies :):)

i just wanted to make a little post to write down a few things and then add something fun :) i'm hoping this will be much less 'heavy' than my last, which...i know, it was lengthy and filled with thoughts, many confusing at times, but thank you so much for reading it. i was scared to post it, and i always worry about what others will think of me. but i'm glad i wrote it down, i think it's good to be honest. it's something i try to do in my blog.

anyway, this morning i was debating whether to run or not, back and forth in my mind ugh it was crazy. you see, part of the reason was because they're doing alarm checks in each apartment in the building all day today and tomorrow, but they don't give a time. so im just anxious now knowing when they'll come, if i'll be out or in the shower and what not since my brother left this morning. well, i decided to run and it was pretty good. short and sweet (ish). it's so mild out though, such a contrast to when i ran on monday when it was frigid. or saturday i mean, when the wind was so strong and cold and harsh.


this isn't mine, but it reminded me that i'd love to have some pecans with oats like i did in new york :)

i eventually got to my breakfast, which was a lovely oats and cereal mix:

plain Quaker oats with cinnamon and ginger, almonds,
topped with crystallized ginger, some shredded wheat bites and a bit of milk :)


i had my coffee afterward while doing some computer work and what not. my anxiety has been sky high lately, and it's usually quite high by the way. so now its just awful. everything sends me in a panic essentially and im constantly tense and stressed and just exhausted. physically too...i think emotional stress just somehow drains my body, that or im sick. idk i hope i'm not :/ and the stress gives me awful symptoms too which terrify me even more. last night for example...not a nice evening. well i returned from a short intern day (yet i was still so stressed and exhausted and sick from it...its so pathetic) and i came home to have dinner with my parents. but we started discussing other things and everyone was upset, i was upset. i feel like i bring out the 'bad' in everyone else, the anger, the sadness, the negativity. and then my dad was going to drive me home and i felt badly since he was like coughing so much, he has a cough i guess but i just felt horrible. and was upset about the arguing and stressed since i had a lot of work to do for the internship and i'm not someone who deals with that well. i know there will always be work, and lists, and to-dos...but i just imagine all of the things i have to do and if i can't tackle it, or at least sort of schedule things i can't sleep or anything until it's done.

but enough about that. actually, first...how do you deal with stress? and all the above?
i need some tips as i'm evidently not doing well.

there is a chapter in a book i mentioned a while ago, "don't sweat the small stuff" (and its all small stuff...titled "when you die, your inbox will never be empty". and it's something i should begin to learn, or accept really. i feel like i need to be completing things and if something is still left undone i cannot stop stressing. which makes it difficult, and then im always waiting to be done with something, and never enjoying the present. and i tend to treat everything as work, negative, unpleasant that i need to "get through fast".

the amazingly lovely emily + also the beauty rhiannon tagged me though with this versatile award. though i doubt my blog is versatile. it was fun to find seven things though...



ahhh i love awards :)

Here are 7 things you probably didn't know about me:

one.
when i was about three, i used to eat insects. seriously, little ants on the ground. i would be sitting on the patio at my cottage and would see the "baby ants" as i called them. but they're not babies in reality, just small ones. and i'd squish them! and then put them in my mouth. so odd, as now im freaky about germs, and hate killing things. honestly i would cry probably.

two. i learned to ride a two-wheeler sans training wheels when i was three. my brother, seven at the time, was learning and i guess i though, bahh i can do this. so i did. idk if that's impressive or not but i think that most people learn a bit later. or not, is that early to learn? aha maybe you all learned earlier. i was an adventurous kid, my dad was proud. now...well not so much but i'll try soon.

three. similarly to the above (i see a trend, these are all when i was little) i climbed up our old tv tower thing at our cottage when i was three. apparently i disappeared and my family was calling for me, then spotted me wayyy up at the top of the tower. and i didn't really understand the danger. so they sort of coaxed me down but i was just smiling. aha we have a photo of that. but i loved climbing and was in gymnastics, but eventually when i was ten i had to give that up because i was also swimming, and between all the meets and what not it was just too busy, so i chose swimming :) actually part of the reason was because my parents thought that swimming was something i could continue when i was older, whereas with gymnastics its more difficult, the flexibility and strain on your body and what not...well i think i'd have to stop at some point. but with swimming i guess i can do it in my nineties :P

four. i love family guy. i initially saw it and just didn't understand it...and then i realised that you don't have to. i guess i found it just insulting. but then i watched it a few more times and i love it, i end up laughing at everything, i don't know why. but i do find it a bit too much, especially when they pick fun at certain things, it's just too mean :/ but really i just love stewie. ahh i think he's so cute, more so when he's just being a baby. i know his voice is odd and he can be rude, but he's ahhh i can't explain. when he just walks around and his feet go pitter-patter and just some moments when he acts like a baby, :P cute. like this one. my favourite thing i've seen is the one where he and brian (dog) get locked in the bank. and i know that most of it is just gross, the poo thing. but the ending is precious. and i was scared that they would ruin it by adding something rude, which is what normally happens after a truly sweet moment on the show. but they didnt :)

five. i love to read, and i know that's nothing new. but i've read before bed, each night, for like almost three years. maybe less, but i feel like i have to, and that something bad will happen if i don't :P but honestly i just need to read something before i try to get to sleep, a novel though not like a magazine/paper, etc.

six.
im sorry if these are boring, it's really hard! hmmmm...oh i have a tiny section of my hair that is blond, like white blond. but the rest is a darker brown, and i've had it since birth i guess :P it's sort of underneath a few layers so you don't see it unless my hair is half up, but i used to feel special with it, and i'd go to the hair dresser and they'd notice it and i'd smile :P

seven.
i love to act, and would ultimately love to act in films. i love films, and it's been my dream for a while. i know that i won't be happy unless i can do this. but im soooo shy, especially when i first meet people and with non-family members. so people don't really understand when i tell them that i want to work in the film industry :P in grade ten, i had switched schools and was in the senior drama play "twelve angry women" (take off of 'twelve angry men'...i went to an all-girls, feminist, etc :P school aha, not that it's a bad thing) and my character, juror #3 was loud, bitter, opposing everyone. and most people were like whaaat? since i was so shy i guess, and my character was the opposite. i loved playing that role though, and i think it's been my favourite. but of course my one grandmother (well the only grandparent i have left) was like, "wasn't she just playing herself"...aha ouch :/

i keep seeing that more people have been tagged. if you want to do a post on this then do it :) i tag everyoooone. or just tell me a few random things about yourselves :P this was hard though, for me at least!

well, they came to test the alarms. :) throughout the day (ohh like just now, my ears :/) they are testing it in all the apartments, so theres this sudden, sharp, loud screeching. and i can't prepare for it and its sort of funny but this morning each time it happened my entire body was like slkdjflksjdf;a.lfjskdljf!!! and my heart started a delayed palpitation thing baha. then like a few seconds later it did it again. and then again, so on...

i hope you had a lovely weekend and nice start to the week, and hopefully most of you are finished with school/work soon for the holidays :) im watching this youtube episode of arthur (i promise i don't watch it all the time but i needed something to escape too, and someone has uploaded recent episodes)...and its about blogging...muffy has a blog, and people get bored of it and are like "you can't just blog about your salad for lunch...no one wants to read that" and that her blog needs to have an angle. and she starts to blog about real things, like her fights with francine, and then people get upset because she starts posting about private things. it sort of directly related to me, and i laughed a bit. i didn't even realise it until i was posting on here, and hearing it at the same time. here is the link :P

lots of love

jen

Saturday, December 10, 2011

trying to 'un-learn'

hey lovelies :):)

why, hello there :) happy saturday to you...is it cold where you are? its cold here. i was out early (ish) this morning for a little run, and it was awful :P ahhh i was cursing mother nature each time a huge gust of bitter wind was thrown my way. but it was my choice to go out. well, partly, i felt like i had to. but im glad i did. after getting ready i had breakfast, and then sipped my coffee for a bit while reading harry potter & sitting next to my mom. she was reading "a tree grows in brooklyn", which she highly recommends. so i will probably read that soon. im just visiting home for a day or so. its nice to see my cat :) ahhh i love her she's so freaking cute :P

"banana-pb&chocolate-chip-oats"



plain instant oats with a banana, chopped almonds & cinnamon;
topped with part of a crumbled pb+chocolate larabar, shredded wheat bites and soymilk :)



ive only had chocolate of some sort once perhaps on oats, and its not really my thing, its a bit early for that + i dont want to feel sick :/ but this was just a little. i felt weird naming the oats chocolate, i'd rather say oatmeal with cinnamon, banana, almonds, with shredded wheat, crumbled larabar + soymilk. i just feel the need to explain that, idk i just feel weird putting something so "dessert" on my breakfast.

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something came to my attention, very strongly, almost in an itching way after reading emily's last post. i need to write something down, comment on hers, explain something or i would go crazy. it was a really weird feeling. maybe that's what writers feel like? i now understand that strong necessity to release something like words, which i've never before experienced. of course i have experienced it with emotion, and speaking aloud. but not writing. and i know i seem to be copying every inch of everyone in the blog world, which i honestly am not trying to do. i just feel like we (and many people in the blog world, especially these types of blogs) have so much in common. it's quite scary actually, but basically just strange, to read someone's entry and think. oh. my. god. that is me, i could have written that, i feel that...and maybe this is why i should be blogging. to figure out these thoughts, but also to try to connect to someone, to help someone. i never thought i would be doing this. i first started a blog because i had read two blogs in particular, and felt like i understood these girls, and i wanted to meet them. odd, yes. but i do that. throughout my life i often meet people and think, i want to be friends with them. and somehow i try to connect with them and make it work. is that weird? i find that it might sound creepy. but i think its just like trying to 'choose your friends'. anyway, often im wrong. and we end up drifting apart, or i don't really connect with them or the feeling doesn't end up being mutual. and then of course there are the friends that you become acquainted with almost by accident, and that's great as well.

but the point of this was, i do feel a bit lost and completely uncertain about my future. i used to have a plan, i always had a dream of what i wanted to do and i still do. but getting there seems impossible. i feel like i've come to terms with reality, and it's a bit ugly. it's not so simple anymore. from far away (or from a younger age, thirteen lets say) things seem so much more possible because there is such distance. the things i worried about then, i though, oh well when im older (say twenty..) i won't care, i'll be grown up and i'll be fine. that never happened. i only got worse, and the anxiety is stronger, the fears greater. but even when i challenge myself, do things that i don't want to do...well it's forced, right? i feel like i will never be who i used to be, now that i've experienced this sort of thing, developed these habits and thoughts and fears. it's like that saying, 'knowledge is power'. i don't think you ever lose it, so how can i possibly be happy? just forget everything? just tell myself i don't care, i'm not scared, i want to move on? i can't do it. i hate to be pathetic but it's true. and honestly i don't necessarily want to. i mean, i don't want to live in misery, but changing everything seems more daunting, and when nothing is certain, im scared to just take those risks in case nothing ends up improving. now that i've experienced these issues, disorders, thoughts, well this knowledge stays with me. it's like i have to "un-learn" everything in order to start new. but that means forgetting the past, and some of the memories were good. and i think that my issues, although not pleasant to go through, are a sort of control that i am so used to, that letting go is just like letting a part of me go. if i feel lost now, how lost will i feel then?

im sorry, i just had to say that. i feel like a fake. i mean, why am i writing this? why am i not doing anything? it's pathetic. and yet, im not where i want to be and i still look at myself and see such a need, a desire, for improvement. no matter what.
and i don't think that will ever change. maybe i'm stubborn, but i just can't trust that things are going to be okay if i change, when i do make certain changes under someone else's guidance, and i get nothing...



im sorry that was endless. i always say too much, i write for too long, i over think. i've been told that on several occasions. "jen you over-analyse, chill out, you think too much, etc". well i'd rather do that than under-think, under-analyse, not think enough. i'm an emotional person i guess, and im really sensitive, and...yea, i think. a lot. maybe thats why i struggle with issues like anxiety, fears, eating...trying to control things?

last night while laying in bed i could not stop thinking about this. and just about my past in general, and of mental/emotional illnesses, something which i never understood when i was younger. i, like many people, looked down upon it, and thought that it referred to crazy people, and honestly the topic made me so uneasy. it scared me. the thing is that i hate to put labels on things, and i never like to say that i suffer from such-and-such, because its like im using it as a crutch, and i dont want it to define me. plus, im embarrassed. not so much on here (although i am scared to publish this post, i always doubt myself & don't know if i'm saying "too much")...but in real life. i guess i feel like an eating disorder is more "accepted" than something like anxiety, depression, ocd (i'm not saying that i suffer from all of these things. i'm not saying that i don't). but i used to judge people, because i just didn't know any better. i was ignorant. i am ignorant. i hate that mental illnesses have such a negative stigma attached to them. but its because people just don't understand. and i hate that i'm ignorant or judgmental toward similar issues & struggles because it's just so unfair for those going through that hell. so in a sense maybe i'm glad that, because i 've sort of experienced some of these more first hand, i've become more aware, more understanding, and less ignorant.

wow. what a lovely topic for a saturday afternoon ;( im sorry. actually, im not. i need to stop doing that. because no one is forcing me to share my opinions, to write, to blog. i put this upon myself. i am my own enemy, and i am the one that hurts myself. no one else can be blamed for my struggles. i have so many thoughts crammed in my mind that it's hard to concentrate sometimes, so i need to get them out. i just feel like i can never express them well, like other bloggers, and i need to stop comparing myself to others, i need to stop wishing my life were different, that i was better, prettier, smarter, more intelligent, more articulate, thinner, thinner, thinner...healthier, more liked & loved, normal. because, in my eyes, i never will be. i keep thinking if i just change...work harder, then i will be happier. happy. but it never happens. i have these dreams in my head that are not obtainable. i think that's why i suffer from these "illnesses" (though, like i said, i hate to say that, because many people feel like that's cheating, that's a crutch). but im not excusing myself because of them, im merely using the labels to explain my behaviour at times. i will take the blame, and i end up dealing with the consequences. but i always want to be something else because i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to change that, i don't want to accept something that i'm not truly happy with, and proud of.

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on a more positive note, i just baked a few things :) you see, i usually make a treat for my mom, dad & brother, an individual goodie to go along with their store-bought present. so today i made snickerdoodles for my dad, peanut butter cups for my brother...and next time i will make almond-raisin biscotti for my mom. but shhhhhh...don't tell them ;P

lots of love

jen

xox

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

oatmeal to warm the soul

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i awoke to frost outside, covering the cars, trees, and on the ground as i noticed on my little run :) i enjoyed a lovely breakfast after getting ready. and afterward some coffee while doing some work

plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, cooked with 1/2 banana, a small juicy prune, almonds
and topped with a touch of crystallized ginger, organic multigrain wheat squares and milk :)



how incredible is this melange?
i guess my breakfast today would be closest to the banana nut on the right ;)


maybe this can serve as my inspiration for oatmeal mornings to come :) the coffee cake looks yum, but i think it would be too sweet unless it was simply a crumbled ww muffin on top perhaps? otherwise, i might try to recreate something like the berry one or the pb+j (j for jam, we don't have jelly here except like odd stuff, and i don't like jelly, natural jams though are lovely)
; of course the blueberry one could be nice when they're in season. so i guess, july.


i finished off my prunes today; i bought this so long ago and they were lovely and juicy and fresh
kept in the fridge. i think it was my first prune package ever. i'd like to get them again :)
the last was used in my breakfast today, as mentioned above.


i've been attempting to post more often, and so far i've surpassed last months i think :P it's good for me to do this i think, and i do like to write. not always about myself, but oh well. i'm not sure what to write about, and i can't just talk about my day, as it's rarely good/exciting and part of it is work. which i can't really talk about, more for privacy/confidential reasons and what not. and im not really recovering i don't think, i feel odd posting about that. it's like i don't have a purpose and i'm not a good influence :P so why do i have a blog? oh i don't know :/ i started one because i had read so many lovely blogs, largely on ed recovery and also because i love breakfast, and people focused on lovely oats and cereal. but i've never shared much about my own struggles i guess. should i do that? i feel like i'll be judged, one way or another. but if i don't then i don't think i should be posting, you know? please be honest: is this blog pointless?


anyway, enough about that! gosh, negative nancy should be my nickname i think.

a breakfast from earlier this week at my house :)



plain instant Quaker oats, sliced banana, roasted almonds (not my favourite, i like the raw/natural best)
topped with shredded wheat, milk & a smidgen of pb+co
cinnamon raisin swirl. made without cinnamon or ginger as i was out ;( however the oats looked a bit more photogenic since they were lighter in colour

ohhh guess what???

okay, well i am getting a camera! actually. i might have it now. my dad is picking it up for me and he told me yesterday that he went to a local store with my mom, just researching some for me! sweet man :) but i was sort of choosing between a specific SLR, cannon or nikon. and the nikon was slightly cheaper, and i'm a bit more familiar with it as my dad has one and i loved to use it when he wasn't looking. i kid, he always looks. he's a bit over protective of his things, however i don't blame him as those things are expensive! i hope it will be a good purchase though, i was talking to him yesterday as he picked me up from work (not a typical thing btw but i was eating dinner at home and he offered to do so!) because i was freaking out about the cost, and i said...its a camera for life right? and he said, perhaps. but i will take such good care of it. im scared to take it out. maybe i'll keep my little digital for that. once i get batteries. its just that it eats them up in like three shots no joke :/

so i left you with some positive news i hope. unless something goes wrong. maybe i shouldn't have said anything. i'm sort of superstitious like that, and lately quite unlucky and negative. but i just need to arrange a one hour free (well, free when you pay for the camera of course :P) lesson with a girl at the store, and then i can begin to learn :)
im so excited!


i would love to hear about oatmeal recipes :) i might have asked this already but im doing it again. i love love love hearing about new ideas, and i love hearing from you. honestly it just makes me smile :) most of the time, anyway. i hope you're all doing well & moving along, keep going and stay positive. lots of love to you all.

xox

love jen

Saturday, December 3, 2011

one cold saturday in december...

hey lovelies :)

happy saturday, happy december third :)

this morning's breakfast was "banana-almond-oats" :)
plain Quaker quickoats microwaved with most of a very ripe banana, cinnamon&ginger,
raw natural almonds, topped with a few tbsp organic multigrain squares + a touch of skim milk
this is not mine, however it resembles it slightly...

because i don't have a camera with me at the moment, i will resort to using my old photos or ones that i find, occasionally (though i might get some hate if the photographer sees them, i always credit though!) and when i go home i can use my dad's nice camera, or find some batteries for my own little thing :P i hope that's okay, and that it will suffice...for now anyway. photography is something that i love and i want to continue taking a variety of photos and improve my (lack of) skill..

anyway, i was able to watch a bit of something fun before my run. i was raised with the notion that daytime tv was bad. even on the weekend, we never really were allowed to watch "cartoons" and what not. if it was a rainy day even...well sometimes we could see a film, but were encouraged to at least go out to see one, otherwise do something else, like reading. that's okay because i love to read. my brother doesn't really though, and only likes non-fiction things that he's interested in. honestly, just a few weeks ago he said he finished a book, and it's been years since he's read through one :P i didn't understand, i just don't see how he can live like that. the first two harry potter books that i now own, well they were his. his name is written in the top of the opened cover, and my grandmother had given them to him (she alwyas gave us books, along with money and what not, for christmas and birthdays) but he never finished, he didn't like the series :O thankfully, i came upon them after they were popular for a while, and enjoyed them. i came back a few years later to start reading the rest and loved them. and a year or so ago i decided to re-read them...and now i can't live without them...but the point of this huge paragraph, was that arthur was on tvo kids (a kids branch of the canadian network TVO) and i love arthur :P its on at like 8am on weekdays and 8:30 on weekends, and then 4 or something in the afternoon. well i keep missing it, and today i was able to catch a bit of it before leaving. honestly, best cartoon ever. that and family guy. i know they're polar opposites. i like the style of animation, it's basic but colourful. and it reminds me of family guy a bit.

tvo kids was something that i used to watch, for a while when i was younger i only watched it on friday afternoon and evenings, again we weren't allowed much tv. and i'd watch a few shows in a row. and when i started swimming more competitively my brother would tape them for me :P i still have one vhs of a few ytv and tvokids shows like arthur, magic school bus + my little planet...did that ever air where you are? i remember the theme song...

"cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou here i am? but you cannot, cannot, see me...cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou, look my way, listen to what i have to say: all of the stars in the sky, our planet is flying by..."

...and so on. :P too bad you can't hear the tune though, i should have included it below in my video, since my voice is so incredible. not.

i can't seem to find a clip on youtube, i guess its canadian. explains why it's not known. people think we're some odd foreign planet, well many americans do anyway :P "oh, yes. i'd love to come to canadaahhh". i don't mean that in a rude way, don't worry. i am probably ignorant when it comes to american terms and other nations in the world. i try not to be though...but its funny how often i hear people say (like americans who live close ish to me) how they want to come to canada, and they don't say a city or province, referring to the entire country even though we're like...right there. i think it would be weird if i said, "oh i want to come to america to visit"...since im close, i try to say a city or a state. anyway, i think im getting into a hole here, i hope you don't think im a bitch. but, im just sad i can't find that clip :/ it's a cute song. maybe this will do:

video

well that's all i have to say...:P i hope you're all enjoying the start to your weekends, and enjoying breakfast :) and what not. i need new breakfast ideas i think. i feel like mine lack the inspiration like those i see on your lovely blogs. see you soon :)

xox

love jen <3

Thursday, December 1, 2011

december and regrets

hey lovelies :):)

*odd opening statement, but i have said that 'greeting' since...i think the beginning? and i feel like i have to. i know its repetitive but now i can't stop :p and its so forced often and i feel like it sounds so dumb. so if you were wondering why i write it each time, well that's why :) i sort of wish i had stuck with something different, i didn't realise how silly it would sound after a while.

***********
this morning's breakfast was "raisin-almond-ginger" oats :)...

plain oats cooked with cinnamon&ginger + 1/2 banana, almonds, tbsp org large golden raisins, and topped w crystallized ginger, a few tbsp org multigrain wheat squares + skim milk.

i first went for a little run, after having lots of water + a banana. i eat too many bananas i think :/ it was cold though, and i feel like i look dumb, i was tired though, i feel like i cant run anymore. but i used to go later in the day after a bigger bfast, so now i like to do it earlier and before my bfast (and then i can enjoy it!), but i need something so i have a full banana, i know some people go on an empty stomach but yea i need something :P...and i don't go for long honestly its a bit pathetic, oh well. im okay with that i think. going later just makes me waste the day, so this way i feel more productive. don't worry though i have a proper breakfast + its usually my only exercise of that day.

i cannot believe it is december, it just seems like fall was rushed...and now i know all of a sudden it will be the new year, and then a few months of extreme coldness. and then summer :/ but im really going to try to be in the moment, and try to enjoy things so that when the time passes, im not regretting not doing/doing something. i have an issue with regret. its sort of sad, i mean i feel like i regret everything. from choosing one food over another, to spending too much time on something, not enough on another. sometimes its so pathetic though like regretting something that really shouldn't matter. and then i don't enjoy it, or i spend time beating myself up...its like that could-a, should-a...whats the saying? pretty much that you shouldn't keep saying, i could have, i should have...i need to take that advice anyway :P i don't think that last sentence made any sense but i understood myself, so that's good :P

does anyone else have that regret issue? its really annoying. and i doubt nearly every aspect of my life. and rely on either what i believe, or someone else...so when it's challenged i get so paranoid and anxious? i think it has to do with anxiety, and fears. and i get into
a routine and control things, and then when they change, well i get a bit anxious. i think its all related, like the doubting and anxiety and control.



steel cut oats (bobs red mill organic) in water, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 banana, tbsp each raw walnuts
+ natures path organic flax-raisin-pumpkin crunch

i made these again :) slightly less chewy but i wasn't happy...i even had them on much lower? im not sure what i'm doing wrong. photo was from a morning at my family home last week i believe.

i actually spent a few days there (sunday and monday i guess) even though my parents were away, just because i was doing this work/internship thing and wanted to leave from home, not have to be washing dishes in the morning and when i got back (my apartment doesn't have one, at home we do though)...that sounds trivial but honestly it takes me so long and it was nice to come back and put things in the dishwasher, and cook something that took a bit longer. one of the nights my brother came :) it was nice, i made him quinoa (bob's red millllll) along with sweet corn, and we had sliced turkey. it was in a package, that new (ish) natural selections from maple leaf. bahh wait i think that might be a canadian company, but its made with few preservatives, for a packaged meat anyway. it tastes nice :) he kept saying, 'ohhh we're having quinoaa' (emphasis on the last syllable...kenwaaaaa) and i was like wtf why are you saying that :P oh funny story, well i was visiting a friend like over a year ago (im social as you can tell...) at her apartment in uni, and she had a little note on the fridge explaining the benefits of quinoa. and it said, "say kee-nwa", and i had no idea that was how it was pronounced. at the time i had never tried it but wanted to, and thought you pronounced it "kwenoa" or something. so i was so excited and said, ohh is it good, i want to try it! and she hadn't even had it. baha. and a few weeks ago my mom mentioned that my friends mom (her parents are friends with my parents) was getting her a cookbook filled with recipes made with quinoa. so i hope she's tried it by now, otherwise she just has a huge book of recipes to make with it.

there was supposed to be a video here. even though i know i'd regret it i made one, and it was long, i kept talking. i guess i had a lot to say (about nothing :p) but seriously, and i've tried to upload it many times, tooo many actually. maybe another time :/ i just wanted you to have a bit of a break in between all of these words. gahhh

i rarely have meat now, and its not just because i don't want to (often i don't want a lot of meat or prefer chicken/turkey...though i do like to have pasta sometimes when im back home with a tomato and meat sauce, because my mom makes it with a lower meat ratio, more tomatoes :P she's always done that. i also love the meatloaf recipe we've used for years. again, its not so much a meat loaf as a ...loaf? aha it is made with other ingredients and breadcrumbs and it just tastes sweet and nice, very flavourful. often meatloaf is actually like...well meat. and its much too dense. anyway...im rambling :/ the thing is, i don't have meat often, but i also don't have enough protein from other sources. so i enjoyed having that turkey :) i know i'm not getting enough of certain nutrients, and my iron and protein is low i'm sure. i just also get a bit freaky with cooking meat on my own, like i might mess up and get sick/get other people sick. i like salmon though, fresh i mean. and canned tuna, i just like the plain ones in water, solid albacore i think it is :P i wish i could find some that have the built-in openers...so i don't have to use a can opener :P they usually come in large sizes too and sometimes i see little tiny tuna's, like personal cans. so i should pick some up if i ever see them :) ...things like nuts and nut butters, cottage cheese. i have those but its not enough, i'd have to have tons of it to get the same protein as other sources. so i guess i have to choose, either have massive amounts of those high-fiber sources (which would kill me, and my stomach/intestines/etc...tmi) or branch out more and start having more meat. i know there are other sources, but i'm not limiting my intake of meat because i want to be veg, or for animal-rights, etc. reasons. what do you like to eat as far as protein goes? i need more ideas!

see, i feel like i have to have a grain with dinner. well dinner is always the big thing, where i feel im lacking in protein, but its a difficult meal to put together, finding the right things. i just have memories of dinner being this important meal. and i feel like i have to have a grain, veggie, protein. and its usually a grain (brown rice or ww quinoa, honestly i have that nearly every night)...or sometimes ww couscous but i thought perhaps a gluten free grain might be easier, since i have a lot of ibs issues. buts its like this routine now, i feel like i have to hav a grain. when i eat somewhere else, usually just at home as i don't go out to eat much, its not always like that. we might have something like pasta (rarely) or a potato (sweet or white, etc) as the 'starch' or whatever. but its very often brown rice or quinoa (along with salmon or chicken) since my mom often asks me what i would like. and she wants to make sure i'm eating enough, and i feel so awful like its catered to me. and my family doesn't really want to eat what i eat. i don't blame them i guess. but idk i sort of like what i eat. i guess its boring for some people. but im in a rut i guess and am scared to branch out for dinner especially.

and its just...i feel like i have so much to think about. when honestly its...food. sorry if this is triggering, i mean i'd understand if it was (and im so sorry if this is, honestly), thats my problem i get so caught up with other people and their concerns, and then they become mine. like the sugar thing, so i thikn about fat, cals sugar. and fiber for some reason, im like worried i will get too much and i hardly have veggies. even though im liely getting a lot from grains. i just have stomach/bowel issues, really tmi but i just worry about that...and honestly when i first started having issues with food, a long long long time ago :P well i just thought about fat. i didn't know about anything else and it didn't matter so much what was in it, sugar, salt, etc. just the fat. and i ate non whole wheat things sometimes, like bagels. i hear thats a huge fear food for people but i ate white bagels but freaked out about fat. and i remember my mom bought one that was like 1.5 instead of the 1.2 g per bagel and i nearly had a heart attack. ugh. i feel awful now. but i knew i couldn't round it down to one. so it would have to be two grams in my head. now that wouldn't bother me at all. i mean the white part perhaps...but like half a gram of fat? i guess i started worrying about other things and not so much the bit of fat in a white bagel :P

its just so exhausting, these aspects of food that consume us. the thing is i can't say, oh i should just not worry. because i need to be looking into it to make sure i'm eating the right things. so i know that, even putting my controlling thoughts, restrictions, etc obsessiveness aside...it's actually a good thing to be aware of this. but i never know what's enough. its like everything in my life that i've become concerned with "beyond the norm"...so food, weight, and other fears (like anxiety, the germ thing, sickness, whatever)...it's become too much. just too much of an obsession. so now im scared that i can't look at anything in a 'normal' way, or a rational way. and that i'll never be normal in a sense.

im not sure if anything in that last paragraph made any sense...i have so much trouble putting it into words (either explaining in person or writing it down)...but im wondering if anyone can relate i guess.

i'm sorry this was just a huge post of me asking for ideas, rambling about meat, etc. i didn't realise i had so much to say (write) on the subject :P and the video is long, and the post is long...im really sorry! i hope you're all doing okay, the holidays are coming!

xoxox

lots of love

jen