Friday, July 30, 2010

i love shreddies

hey lovelies :) :) wow, it's been quite an eventful few weeks! I'm back in the city, and just figuring out job stuff, and possibly taking on an internship position somewhere...yet I'm having scheduling/guilt/etc. issues with the other commitments I had made previously, anyway, not the place to discuss!

I managed to take quite a few food photos up north, and realised that i adore shreddies...ahaaa (what???) not... i already knew that :P i think i love cold cereal more than hot, though i often enjoy oats and such, depending on my mood i guess. breakfast today was a bowl of oats with dry cereal and other additions...

my cottage was nice, i sort of want to go back. i love the city but im feeling a bit on the verge of a breakdown, well i think i already had one but...ehh, i mean its not like anything "went-away" when i was up north, and its not crazy remote like algonquin but its still away from the hustle-'n-bustle...and im back to face a lot of shit :(

but i enjoyed some breakfasts...

oats with the addition of scrumptious peaches

large flake oats with cinnamon, banana, almonds, dried-crans,
organic wheat-squares

some unique lunches...

that is a sneaky 'lil chocolate on the upper lefthand side

teas, snacks and dinners...

couscous with a few dried cranberries, salad, tofu veg stirfry

plain 0% yogurt with cinnamon and fresh ontario peaches

my mom's afternoon tea break...

and did some outdoor work as well :)

kidding, no but i really did, sanding chairs and staining the wood on them, cutting the grass

im going to a wedding and a bunch of other things this weekend, including eating out which is stressing me. i might get ill, i don't know what the food is, i'll be away from home...seriously its a huge thing for me and i'm not sure what to do :( but at least I'll have my family there, but i'm not supposed to hang around them and i need to be grown up and social. bahaha...i cannot see that happening. also i'm getting a haircut ahhh honestly i hope its just the smallest trim possible, i haven't had it cut in a while and its not healthy, split ends and such, so i need the trim...but JUST the trim!!!

an outfit that my mom kept making fun of...good fun though :) my friend came over while they were out and i mentioned that i was wearing a 'tunic', which was really my mom's old nightgown i think :P and some high-waisted cut offs that i made out of an old pair of her jeans :) tehee...

casual window shots...


well i must jet, lots to do, and i hope everyone is doing well. love you lots :)

Friday, July 23, 2010

time for a little break

hey lovelies :) :) i hope you're well, it seems as though some people are having a tough time at the moment and im sending love your way.....hehe.

so i've missed quite a bit of work through being ill, and just dealing with the anxiety and health and school concerns. i'm actually going to be away this upcoming week (though even if i was here i wouldn't be able to post because im so busy with work ahh)...but i will make an update when i get back of course. i just need to deal with this at the moment. i'm actually surprised my parents let me join them at the cottage, away from work...they are taking their vacation and i guess after a while realised that i need to get away too. its sort of pathetic as i had nearly two months after school to deal with things before working, but at the time i was actually searching for work and really wasn't in rest mode because i was flipping out since i hadn't found a job and i knew that i needed one and they were wondering what the hell i was doing.

today's breakfast was a bit of large flake oats underneath (i swear!!) and some adds:P

i went in one day today and felt awful still, and the germy place is still just crazy i mean so many people are ill and i just realised that i'd probably been exposed once again, and i had a few rough nights, i just am so exhausted from everything, physically and emotionally. i don't know why everything is SO hard. but it just is.

but i did manage a few photos when i was at home on monday, and i managed to eat then too :)

its just time to actually get better. with everything i mean, just truly start getting back to when i was happier and healthier and emotionally just okay. i'm positive despite that im freaking out anxiety/phobia/fear-wise about a few things. just one day at a time right? i'm just awful at that, i try to plan and control everything, about myself and other people which is NOT okay. does anyone find it hard to just breathe??? wow, i mean i should be able to just take things one bit at a time, but clearly i cannot do that.


alright, not a nice post but a post nonetheless. i have to get going but i hope you're all doing well...

...and i love you xoxox

Monday, July 19, 2010

i'm really sorry

hey lovelies :) :) this will be short and not so sweet, and forgive me for posting such a negative thing but i just need to say it all...normally i just talk to someone either in person, online, what-not and don't actually "publish" all these feelings.

i'm not a nice person, i think i ruin things and break people apart. im at home now for the summer and working (though i didn't go today...there's this outbreak of something at the camp and i've felt not so great all weekend and i'm so unbelievable stressed and panicked about everything, plus i have these stomach issues) and my parents have trouble dealing with me. i mean, i try to be good but i really mess up people's lives. i'm just so selfish. but i don't mean to be. i can't stop dwelling on my own issues and that makes me impossible to be around i guess.

i need help, i know that. for a lot of things but maybe just some help dealing with everything. i feel like a crazy person saying this, as im not that bad and never thought i was so unhappy. and i'm normally not like this, i promise you. ugh i just don't know what to do. and i read posts as often as i can and just get inspired from you, but then i offer nothing in return. and im really and truly sorry about that.

okay, that's all. i hope to post when i get a chance about good things and life and foood :) on another note i guess i felt weird posting this before, and i know i've mentioned i have anxiety and issues around getting sick, but specifically i have a phobia of actually like being sick (emetophobia) and i didn't think many others had this. strange? ahh perhaps though honestly it kills me and i've never been this anxious and confused and scared about it all. but i think it's going to be okay.

love you all

Saturday, July 17, 2010

a quick hello

hey lovelies :):) i hope you're doing well! I've been busy (still) and i just wanted to say a quick hello to you all. i don't know if anyone's reading it though :P work has been stressful, and just there are many aspects of it that are causing me a great deal of difficulty. i might be taking a short break from it, and returning (if that's possible). i also need to figure out some health, emotional, school issues that are very important at the moment. of course that depends on what my parents say...

today i had time in the morning which was nice, but im anxious and in a huge knot. i went for a tiny short run and showered and then had a bowl of cereal mixture with skim, banana, almonds, blubes and cinnamon. plus a bit of coffee:

normally i just have time for a quick bit of coffee while reading and then i need to eat and run pretty much :(

i hope i don't end up wishing the summer to end, like wishing time would go faster so that i can "get through this" tough time for myself, because then its over and its school and life just goes past me while i'm not enjoying it at all. its hard to be in the moment when i want to plan and control so many aspects of my life, and many things scare me so much.

sorry for such a short post, and a negative one at that! i think things will get better. i love you all :D

Saturday, July 10, 2010

busy honey bee

hey lovelies :) :) i want to start with something related to bloggies and food and just not negative so...i forgot to take a breaky photo but i ate some multigrain hot cereal (10 grain i think aha) with some muesli on top and banana, cinnamon, wheatgerm and shreddies on top. i haven't had time for any hot cereal in the mornings since im so rushed so this was nice. a bit hot though i started getting like hot flashes part way through :P

sort of like this...minus the blubes though i meant to put some it:P
i really wish i could take photos like this, many of you post, no wait
all of you post exquisite photos of amazing quality and uniqueness
(courtesy to getty images)


im so dead. tired..and beat. ahhh my god i haven't posted in so long but legit legit legitttt i have had no time. and it sucks, coming from having a lot of time to do things, and being a girl who likes to plan things, have a bit of free time, time to myself...anxieties...sort of sucked. i'm working at a day camp and its like allll day craziness, no time to eat, hardly time for a nice breaky since i get up so early and can't stomach too much, im so nervous and icky and ibs-ey? (maybe not though...) and just wow its been a tough little while. but i have this weekend for a lil breaky break. my parents went away though, so its a tad lonely though i have a few things planned. other than breathing. i was at training for this job the week before last and then away on the weekend without internet, and so far i come home and just try to shower off the day (and little kids), have a snacky and tea and then like sleep not long after dinner. well sort of. i feel like a bundle of mess pretty much. and i probably look like one, i don't look to well aha sort of like a sickly person perhaps. not thin but i mean just unhealthy. i think its just because im preoccupied though, with myself probably :S..

snapped up north before the actual job started, right before popping
in the car to go back to the city
anywho...that is all i will say about that, but honestly i'm not loving things at the moment. i mean i feel just sick all the time, intolerant to so many things, nauseous a lot and other stomach issues and grossness which i won't mention, so like food is a fear for me, i can't enjoy things, and i have hardly any time to breathe. but i am having a bit of fun at the job though. :) the only photos are from a little while ago, and a few current ones. i was at my cottage before the actual job began, though the training was the week before.

a sample lunch from last weekend, this past week i don't even want
to share mine as i packed something nut free, something that would
stand the heat, eaten in a rush, crowded noisy room

i've been so stupid today, crying like 3 times before noon :) aha this morning my parents were leaving and we argued about something and my dad mentioned that i was up was like just before 8am but this past week i had to get up at 6 ish for work, so i thought i had slept in. on top of that for some reason even though i'm exhausted i woke up at 5 and had trouble falling back asleep so i was just sensitive about everything and i started crying, then again after they left because im alone and then i totally forgot to take my probiotic after breaky so im just upset with myself, and worried about what will happen as a result/consequence (?). but like honestly i bawled for those sad is that????

onto better things...baked this with my mommyyy last weekend when we were at the cottage with my dad, and his mother was there. apple crisp yummm :) i also baked some (i think so) nut-free ish bars today so hopefully i can take those to work with me. blurry picture though!

my brother is coming over tonight though so that will be nice. i'm making the same thing as usual, veggie stir fry. :) every time he comes i happen to be making that since i don't like cooking meat when i'm by myself and i love to make this.

babyyyy :) :)
so i have campers, and though i am complaining about things like germs, and lack of any break (since we are with them constantly through lunch and swimming and all) they are cute :) aha i mean in their own way. most of them want to talk and be around you (i don't want to jynx that!) but yea i mean it's been tough for me, not sure why, but in a sense its probably good for me. what are you all up to for the summer?

you know what i've been listening to so much, wavin' flag/call me freedom/when i get older..whatever you call it. i had heard it but didn't make the K'naan connection, and he's canadian too :) we played dance-freeze with the girls this week and they all knew the words, im talking like 5-6 year olds belting and it was so cool to hear, plus its like we were all recognizing our country, though i didn't think they made that connection :P :P but it was cute to dance with them and sing.

sorry for such a negative post, but it had been too long and i wanted to just contribute to the blogging community. :P. i hope you're all doing well, and hopefully i'll post again in a bit.

lots of love