Saturday, April 30, 2011
its nearly may :) i like cold spring weather, but not hot or warm really, i love fall/autumn fashion :P and i don't do well with heat. though if im up north on the lake/cottage its better.
today's breakfast was at home :) i made scottish oats for my myself and my parents, in water with cinnamon, ginger, vanilla. after my own additions they were "banana-vanilla-almond" oaties :P
with extra cinnamon and ginger on mine, 1/2 sliced nannner, almonds, 3 tbsp or so kashi honey sunshine. and i didn't put much cold cereal on top, thus it was more like traditional oatmeal :) be proud of me...teh
my mom's in comparison, rather basic really...
i'm keeping busy organizing marks and school and possible career contacts. its a bit scary, but fun too. i really want to do something and stop being held back my numerous issues. because i really can't blame anyone but myself for this, thus...i'm the only one that can really get out of it. i do believe that support/help/treatment is necessary for me, but i'm also the ultimate one to push forward and take these big risks.
one of my jcrew tops, with black leggings, grey tank..
do you like prunes? i've never had them but thought it would be a change for dried fruit plus i've heard they're lower in sugar than other dried fruits...i always get scared and think of this one goosebumps episode (although i did love the books a lot alot alot) where this older lady serves a boy cookies with like prunes in the middle. and something bad happens. aha im so odd....
still have not opened mine but i plan to next week (they're at home)
i want to make gingersnaps. i think i will. i was planning on using up molasses to make a molasses bread, however we don't have ww flour. and as much as i'm trying to test out white flour, i just don't want to do it in a loaf or muffin. a cookie, maybe. i'd normally use ww flour for gingersnaps but traditionally i think they're best with white. so guess what...i will do it. and try one, maybe not today as im going back to my place but i'll freeze some and take them up to the cottage next weekend. although the white flour thing scares me, i'd rather use up (hopefully good/safe) white flour as opposed to expired ww...and my mom updated the spice drawer for more 'sweet' spices so ginger, nutmeg, cloves. we were in need of those. we just had cinnamon as a few weeks ago i was examining the spices and found a nutmeg with a sticker on the bottom. it said june '91. honestly. nearly as old as i am that nutmeg was :P
so i'm off to do that...and then a few other things. and shop for a few groceries perhaps. its very sunny out but hopefully not too hot. i know its supposed to rain again tomorrow but i wanted to do a little run in the morning. gosh it's rained so much here lately, and i always seem to be caught in the middle of it. at least 3 times this past week. and one of them was like a flash flood.
i hope you're all doing well and i appreciate every one of you, and love you so so so much xoxox
Thursday, April 28, 2011
my baby wanted to join in :P
i need to start taking action though, in everything and im trying to get more motivated. it helps to read you lovely posts as you're taking chances and moving forward and are inspiring. so thank youuuu
haven't had one in forever, favourite larabar after my film exam monday
Monday, April 25, 2011
i also added a small tsp of some pb+co nut butter, no stir natural. i normally do not add those to cereal, even warm oats though it helps when it melts. i tried it today and it was okay! also, i normally put almonds and didn't have those today so i wanted some form of nut :P
i went for a short run first, but prior to that i had a lil hunt. you see, im old. but i've been away from home for easter each year for a while due to school, and this year i was "home" (in the same city anyway) so i stayed last night as we had our easter family dinner.
some goodies from a bunny...
then tonight i will be here as i have an early exam planned tomorrow (film cultures II). but last night, gosh i wish i took a photo. we had a carrot cake, though i just tried like a few bites, it was all natural though and you could taste each flavour. i tried something new instead, a carrot cake clif bar, and part of it i had for my dessert a little later on with 1/2 banana and 1/4 cup or so multigrain squares. it was good! oh i would have a photo but my mom also tried a bit, and then threw out the raper (how dare sheee!) and im not about to go through out garbage, so just imagine, though i'm sure many of you have had it before. it was my first time! i still think the oatmeal is my favourite, and otherwise i've just had this one and another (chocolate or pb which i didn't enjoy as much, i like the non dessert/rich ones the best). i just couldn't have the cake. i mean, it was extremely rich and my stomach is dumb (and i worried about having the bar and other foods) but also, it just scared me a bit too much. i did try a few bites though, and that was good.
an afternoon snack (along with some plain yogurt)...
so, ugh sunday morning i had arranged by oats and my camera was dying, bt it di take a photo and shut down afterward. i assumed it was captured but after connected the usb thing...i discovered it didn't :( it was "banana-apricot-almond" themed, old fashion oatmeal cooked with water, cinnamon, ginger, 1/2 dried apricot and part of a ripe nannner, along with a few almonds chopped and 3 tbsp each granola, rice crispies, organic squares, and some skim). just imagine the image please :D
so i just came home for abit to study, and i'll go back to my family house. but first i spent too much money on bars :S and cashew nut butter which actually wasn't too expensive. i've never had it so we'll see :P also, i got a few new things that i haven't had: the cocoa-coconut or something lara? and the maple nut clif. as well as a flavour of another bar, its canadian owned (taste of nature organic bars) but each flavour is themed with a place, and i've had the ginger (which has like pieces of ginger in it yumm) but i got like blueberry i think? which is...nova scotia apparently.
i must go study though for sure, i spent more time than planned here, im the queen of, erm, avoidance? if that makes any sense. tehe
love you lots, until next time...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
i've been feeling...well ugh plainly, fat i guess. lately i just feel everything on me, that hyper physical awareness of like any form of weight on me like im bloated or swollen and then i just feel disgusting when i eat. and sometimes i review what i've had, since i have been controlling and like habitual with my eats but i haven't been counting everything lately...so i think what the hell are you doing jen? you don't need that, i don't. honestly it just, ugh i don't know. for a long time i was losing without really trying and didn't worry plus i felt sick all the time and looked sick. and i still feel ill a lot but i think i've gained a bit, i don't know. so i just feel so gross eating and especially around other people if they see what i put in, or if its a lot. im so aware of that, and any comments. or if i eat at home and my dad says oh im glad you're eating more...im just like ah what the fuck does that mean??? it just takes away any appetite. or he'll say the opposite and its like so many voices inside me conflicting and i don't know what to do or who to listen to. and its not like i can listen to my body as i doesn't know, sometimes i feel awful and sick and full after hardly anything and sometimes i seem super oddly freakishly hungry and i get angry with my body because it causes so much emotional and physical stress...and pain too.
friday's breaky bowl of plain oats a-la-micro-onde, avec du
gingembre, cannelle, abricot and une banane, les cereales froids aussi :P
specifically rice crispies and organic multigrain squares. i likely butchered that, i used to be in french immersion, french all day long for eight years from the wee age of five :P then throughout high school and ive lost so much its quite sad ;( a little tear. anywho, you know what? recently, well maybe a few months ago and then for 5 years before that i had a fear of anything not whole wheat like obsessing about the bloody glycemix index. which bee tee double uuu included bananas. what was i thinking?!? and rice crispies. but they're not like white flour just plain puffed rice i think, very little--if any--sugar and quite nice on top of oats or mixed with other cereals, whole grain if necessary. and when one of my good friends found out she was celiac but could still have rice crispies in the uni cafeteria i thought, oh dear, how awful...then "how boring" but they're nice. if i want a more filling bowl i might have other cereals with it, i haven't yet had the courage to have a proper bowl of them. but when i first "succeeded" in restricting, i was in boarding school for a year and my breaky was either nothing (if i went swimming on the team and missed it :/) or a bit of watermelon or a tiny bowl of rice crispies with a bit of milk, then i would leave as much milk in it as possible and eat the little floating crispies. just thought i'd share that. i usually like mch larger breakies now.
part of an outfit :P
so, if anyone sees this, as i know i have little readers, perhaps its my fault, i don't have much of a drive so its not quite a recovery blog if i don't seem to be demonstrating such actions. plus i don't share that much here and i will probably begin to put down more. howeverrr...i might go shopping for a few bars at the same time i buy my probiotics as its a health shoppe. and well i was wondering what your favourites were. in canada we seem to have a few brands but selection is the negative point, we're missing a few flavours of the laras and lunas and cliffs. we don't get certain uk bars and as for other nations i'm not quite sure. but i'd like to get another oatmeal raisin walnut clif, an old lara favourite (i'll pick one) and try a new one that i haven't yet had like something with coconut which i've always been hesitant to eat. and then one or two lunas. but otherwise which ones should i get??? :D i'd love opinions.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
i used to post titles as simply the day of the week, which makes sense. and i like writing numbers out in their full form, or with words. i know there's a term for that, opposite of numerically...?
today's breakfast was scottish oats :) cooked (i just wrote cookied...eee that would be interesting) with water, small banana and ginger, and along with almonds, touch of skim, tbsp raisin granola and some multigrain squares
holy mother im so stressed out right now ahh. normally i cause myself so much anxiety through like personal issues, and that's definitely a cause of this but also. school. exams. and like everything is going wrong. i do not want this post to be negative but like scheduling is messed up and im so rigid so when things (such as time) gets moved i panic so much. and one of the exams i wrote early this week, i just did not feel positive about it at all and that worries me. and sometimes when i do feel okay about something it turns out to be worse than i'd perceived. but im also feeling unmotivated. i just don't understand what im going to do, or what im supposed to do. complete university, yes, and then find work. but i know it won't be in the field that i ultimately want to be in (film, acting, or production of some sort but for sure acting)...ive wanted this for so long and i do know how unrealistic it is. but, its hard to explain but i do not feel mentally or physically or emotionally prepared to work, but i have no choice. i also feel like, what's the point. i mean with everything. i feel like nothing is going right so, in the end, nothing will. it seems like a trend i've been following, suddenly its one thing after another that i'm hit with (or cause myself) so its hopeless to just believe that things will look up. especially since most of it has to come from me, and i just don't have the energy anymore, i honestly just give up :/
okay change of 'tude, jen. ahhaha honestly this girl in my grade seven class i think (?) i was in french immersion from grade one through eight, and she sort of was constantly getting into trouble with our teacher and i guess this one instance she spoke back, so (her name is samantha)...madelle (tehe that's what we referred to her as) was like, "LOSE THE TUDE SAMANTHA". and my friend and i found it soo hilarious :P
i have been home a bit and i've spent time with my baby:
and my bowl:
i just get very inspired by food photography, especially breakfast. pretty much just that. and mostly like bowls of hot cereal varieties and cold and sometimes muffins.
i've been having honey on breads (whole grain and spelt and artizan, etc)
mine are never too adventurous, i don't like being adventurous with food. but im also so indecisive and also i have an issue with regrets, like i always regret things afterward, be it the show i choose to watch (i think ugh the other would have been a better choice) for whatever reason and it bothers me so much afterward, or the food i choose. so i often have so many different things in a bowl. and i worry that if i don't regularly have one thing it will go bad, or i dunno just all these rules and so fucking draining.
i want to get cashew butter when im finished with the tahini (or like "finished" as it might go bad before im done, if it's not already because i don't enjoy it as much but i've been forcing myself to try like bits every now and then to get more accustomed to it) and also another pb+c but probably just a plain one, i have to finish my bees knees one, and my local store, as in the closest one ust started selling them but only smooth operator. and whole foods here in canada just sells that, the bees knees and cinnamon raisin swirl which i will get next time i go, which might not be for a month and a bit. i'd also like to get almond butter again but i can't have too many nut butters opened at the same time. i always like to have a natural pb opened and now i have an organic crunchy one which i like :) and ohh prunes, i just got some and they're at my home so if i like them i could get them for my place, i just need to finish my apricots :P and eat my dates too. i love dates.
i keep reading posts which are inspiring :) lots of love,
Sunday, April 17, 2011
this morning's breakfast bowl was after a short run/shower, and it was a mix of cold cereals.
almond-raisin-granola, cinnamon, ginger, almonds, Life, organic multigrain squares,
shredded wheat squares, and a tiny bit of rice crispies. holy molay....i like having a variety...?
ahh exam time :) i have quite a bit of studying and what not. its my final year and every class seems to have a final, plus the stakes are just a bit high so its stressful gahh :/ i just completed one exam...another four to go.
my mom just phoned me and asked whether i would actually eat easter eggs if they bought some. after a minor freakout (the easter bunny's not real?!?) i said yes of course. some, then i will share. she's never asked me that before :( if i'd eat. initially i wanted some to hunt. don't judge me. ive been away at uni th past 3 years and stayed alone while nearly everyone else went home for chocolate...i mean easter. apart from one year when my really good friend and her twin sister left a basket of eggs (not real ones) outside my door...sort of like harry getting food presents from ron's mom. anywho the last time i was home i was sipping coffee and searching for eggs like a child. i realised that i was getting too old. but hopefully not this year. ahh someone just slipped an ndp sign under my door. that will mean nothing to you if you're not canadian aha, we have an election coming up at the beginning of march. i wasn't planning on voting for that guy. but i won't get into politics here :S never a good topic.
the only one so far that i like. its still a bit rich but not too bad, like a chewy no-bake cinnamon oatmeal raisin cookie :) or a semi raw baked one :P sort of how i like to make them aha. gosh i used to bake (food...but the other as well :O ) so so so much throughout hschool esp gr 11 and 12 and it was soo obvious i began doing it as i didn't let myself have those things, but then baking it didn't help. i usually had some of it and felt disgusting. i don't have an urge to bake as much now. not just because im scared of eating the stuff. a bit..but also i just don't want to. i like making like healthy loaves and muffins. and when i used to do it a lot it was mostly "healthy" baked goods. and always ww flour cookies and muffins and like tweaked recipes.
honey, yogurt, sometimes together, and with cinnamon which i used to do but not lately,
and i liiiike
i've been feeling odd toward hunger like if im hungry im scared something is wrong and if i eat and am still hungry and i have more than normal, well i don't really like that. i can just feel that its adding onto me. and if im not hungry im scared something is wrong. i try to be in tune with so much that i analyse things so much and it just creates a lot of extra stress ontop of the ridiculous anxiety that i have :/ i have no idea what to do, people say oh listen to your body but that doesn't help...
Monday, April 11, 2011
this morning's breakfast from home was a bowl of scottish oats ("cinnamon-ginger-apricot" oaties) with a few tbsp kashi honey sunshine and a tbsp granola, and skim milk on top. a bit too much cinnamon actually, it was so strong...i didn't know that was possible :(
i was at home again for a short bit, and had a family dinner, grandmother invited as well :P I just have one grandparent alive at this point...I grew up with essentially just two both my parents' mothers as my grandfathers died by the time I was four. anywho...she's almost ninety two I believe and still looks pretty good. she's rather proper as well, aha she always taught us to use correct grammar and would lecture us on it, and that side of the family is a bit more, ahh i guess 'sophisticated' than my mother's side perhaps. i feel like im just losing it, i mean i'm not doing well with anything and i'm even struggling with my final year of uni. and i've always worked hard and did pretty well, so it's just sad. i don't even know what's going on, but i am terrified. why is this happening? i know partially things are controlled by me and my mind, but i feel like i've been dealt the shittiest cards, not with my whole life i know i've been given a lot, but me...like just me in terms of health and anxiety and just happiness and everything i just don't like anything. and i hate being negative but seriously its so hard right now.
so...oooh i haven't had a bar in ages...like special/expensive/"bar" type and recently purchased some to put away for later, some at my house and a few at my apartment. and yesterday i had one pb larabar which had been there since bfore christmas and i kept wanting to eat it but was scared it had gone bad or something aha it was bbf this upcoming august, so i shared it with my mom yesterday and it was good :) i also have a banana one there. and otherwise i'm starting to try clif bars. i remember trying one a few years ago but it was so rich and i wasn't in love, i think i had like chocolate something. but a few months ago i picked out a oatmeal raisin and oh gosh it was sooo good like a healthy but undercooked oatmeal raisin cookie :) and not too rich so i got a few more of those, and also tried the carrot cake and a black cherry something so i'm hoping they will be more like bars rather than, i dunno rich cookie dough like the chocolate/pb (?) one i tried a few years ago. i also got a luna which i've had, i think i picked out the ah i forget the name like cranberry something. there are many flavours that we don't have in canada yet. ;( we have one called optimum organic or something and i got the blueberry flax which i like (i think, anyway....). so yeee bars.
i hope you're doing well, happy monday :) and that you're enjoying the beginning of spring i
guess gosh its warm here. that all depends on where you live i guess.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
i can't believe how warm it's getting. well, sort of. yesterday morning i ran for a very short bit and was just uncomfortable afterward. i don't mind spring/fall but when it begins to get warmer it's just not my
favourite at all.
peppermint tea...and a few of my many cold cereal boxes :P
i thought this post could just be a bit all over the place, sort of like my mind atm :( i feel like im not as honest as i wnt to be on here and i just pick certain things to write about, and leave out parts like i would like to share but im not sure if its right or wrong or triggering
but for a more gentle topic, something that i really love is fashion. clothing, just style in general.
i really like uo but i don't shop there too much. and jcrew, we don't have it here but i buy it online, and i love their classic cardigans but also crewcuts :P they have cute dresses. and cardigans in general, large ones and long ones and just loose and layer-eyyy :D
i feel like im just starting over with this. the blog...but also me i guess. im posting about my 'favourite things' and i did that over a year ago when i started, but things have changed and obviously i've had setbacks. and it's sort of a new start?
i believe this is from january (eaten back at home in my rabbit bowl)
a mix of cold cereal (squares, harvest fruit muesli, almonds, banana, skim
i just honestly dont quite know what to do. as awful as some of the behaviours and lifestyle may be, its something to help me cope, you know? its like a ritual, habit, and its difficult to just change things, it will only make my anxiety worse. and though that's part of the process it's just daunting as i'm having a difficult enough time as it is. i worry that if i do more i'll just completely crack. i have other issues apart from ed and what not. and everything combines, but at the moment i'm struggling with other things thus im not as fixated with food, well i am but not counting and everything or restricting necessarily because i'm preoccupied but also i'm losing anyway. so i just don't get too scared. but if that stops, i dunno i'll probably switch focus. its so stupid its like i have to have one thing to focus and obsess about. my mom was mentioning it once and i was just like 'yea i think i have an addictive personality' and its so true, and scary....i dont like my mind much at all. to be honest it scares the hell out of me. too complex..:(
but ahh i dont wan to be like this :( i'll show you part of my goodies :P
okay well i must go wok and perhaps have some lunch, i think im hungry aha...
anywhoo tootles and i'll see you later loves
Thursday, April 7, 2011
(it still wasn't too sweet though which is nice), banana beforehand, and almonds, cinnamon,
multigrain squares and granola on top, plus skim. this photo makes me miss my cottage, it
was taken there but my cereal looked a bit similar today...oh and i had a piece of
homemade muffin on top, an oat/cranberry w-w sort of muffin
if you've never seen this girl (ramona marquez) gosh she's adorable, i knew i had seen her somewhere and it was in the king's speech (which i've mentioned and will continue to say bloody brillianttt) but this clip is so cute aha im watching it now
today i was just randomly up in my parents room/floor (they have a master thingie) and my cat was there, and they have a scale and its so old but its the one we have. and honestly i hardly weigh myself, even when i was living there all the time. i just stopped as it didn't help and i just, like i could tell if things changed by clothing, looking at myself, just how i feel, lke you can feel it you know? but i was like a pound or two more tan last time i checked which was not that long ago and i know i've fluctuated depending on the hour so it was a bad idea to check and ijust was so bothered by it. i felt hngry today, and usually i don't mind if i feel hungry because when i feel icky and full and just not hungry its not nice. and either way i start to worry that im il or something. but today i let myself have like breakfast then a proper snack then lunch and like i didn't do much exercise besides just walking back to my place and grocery shopping and lately i don't do a ton, not like a while ago i would make sure to walk or run a certain number of hours or what not. but i've been losing a bit lately so when that happens i don't worry about counting and fixating on every.little.thing. ugh sorry this makes hardly any sense and i have no idea even why i'm writing it. but its like, no matter what, even if i was like 10-20 pounds less i'd always have moments like this i'm sure. because im like say 10 less than last year at this point. and i'd still feel the same. so i don't know if i'll ever really know what's true, i mean what is true or correct or right? i do know that what i see in the mirror is what everyone else sees. but perhaps its what that image means to me. versus what it projects to someone else, like my mom who's constantly saying that she's really worried. when i just don't see it really.
i was home last night and this morning until later this afternoon. i did some work, ate with family (mom &dad), watched some of Julie and Julia last night, i saw it originally in the theatre but i do love it :) meryl streep is just one of a kind. and amy adams is adorable :P
playing with my evey at home this morning:)...
she was underneath my leg sorta....