Tuesday, November 30, 2010


hey lovelies :):)

organic multigrain wheat squares, balance granola,
optimum organic ginger-cranberry, almonds, milk!

its getting really cold here! actually today its like 12 so mild and raining. pahh whatever yo..anywho, im watching a little princess for like the fiftieth billion million trillion gazillionth time, i love this film, its really sad though, but with a good ending of course. i always cry when she does, and especially the ending..."saraaahhh" (her dad yells) ahh so sad. but happy sad :)

my parents come back todayyy wooop :) hopefully that's a good thing...:P i want to make dinner so that they can come home to it, but we don't have spagetti sauce, we had suggested just like meatless sauce so a nice jar of like plain tomato basil sauce, so maybe i'll do pasta and veggies in a pan? i don't really want pasta but if i made quinoa they might not be happy. actually i have a problem and can never make that without burning the entire pan, smoking the house and setting of the fire alarm. no joke i think its happened 3 times already...and always when im alone. so maybe i won't do that...i guess pasta, then a side of veggies...then...i dunno salad? or no salad. i have no idea i suck :(

sunday night i watched a bit of a documentary on television called the Meerkats, narrated by Paul Newman about...well, meerkats. fuudge they are so cauuuute. but the story was really sad. i mean, it's life. but i hate that. you get so upset///or i get so upset i mean, when one of them is killed by another animal, but then of course they show the martial eagle flying over to her nest of children, because they need to survive too...so it's like...wahh ;( when i saw it on the guide i was like gahhhh Paul Newman (i had just watched Nowhere Boy and in my head i saw Paul McCartney)...yes that's right im that stupid. but i do like Paul Newman, and he has a lovely narration voice..but Meerkats are really sweet their mannerisms are like humans, i mean their facial expressions, the way they hold each other, like really grab and hug one another is just so amazing to watch i mean they really show love, here's a clip.

hmm so i must get back to work. ohh i just messaged an old friend, i met her on this summer program thing and it was so much fun, and ive sort of not contacted her much and i have lots of people on facebook like that, but im glad i did. i mean shes a year older and like wayyy more mature and what not, and since then im sure she's done lots of things whereas i haven't grown up at all baha. whatever :P i hope you're all doing well, not freezing too much if its cold where you are, and excited for the upcoming holidays :) xox

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

i don't know

hey lovelies :):)

today my parents went away. they're on a little vacation, and normally i'd be away living at school, but at the moment i'm home. so i'm quite sad, i still get like this and i miss them, i'm also feeling quite ill so it just makes it all worse. i have anxiety issues so they just are triggered by these sort of things and it's very difficult for me to cope. i know that's a bit silly, but it's just the truth.

i have no photo of breakfast, but i did eat something this morning. banana, then a small bowl of cream of wheat, with a bit of wheatgerm, organic wheat squares and granola, a few almonds and a bit of skim milk. and strong coffee, i can't believe i'm saying this but...possibly a bit too strong? :P

it's sort of bipolar weather, i was going to say, 'its almost winter' because it snowed on sunday...but then monday was like...tropical almost just this strange warm wind was blowing through, then it rained. a lot :(

tehee..except i'm not an only child

i've been feeling rather sad these last few days, and i guess depressed, i don't use the term lightly so its not just a bit of sadness. im alone now as my parents are on vacation for a bit, so it makes me just more upset and anxious and just freaky about things. also im trying to figure out like apartment stuff and its not going well, like i'm meant to move in a bit for the rest of the school year, just because i wasn't supposed to be at home for the whole year and i was originally away at another university in another province on my own, so we're trying to do the same sort of thing for independence. and that's worrying me a lot. i've developed more safety things and held onto things so it will be even harder to let go of them. it's sort of bad, i mean im in university and i feel like i'm even less independent and strong and grown-up than a few years ago. i don't know why..

anyway, some breakfasts from the past week or so...

cold cereal mixture (basic shredded wheat, organic wheat squares,
optimum organic ginger-cranberry), banana, almonds, wheatgerm

scottish oats with cereal (organic wheat squares and optimum)
& walnuts

i believe that's cream of wheat with cereals and walnuts on top

i hope things get better, for everyone else and for myself (selfishly) but i do need to make an effort and i get that. it's just difficult you know? things keep getting in the way, and pushing me into this downward spiral. i guess that's all for now. lots of love

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

new beginnings :)

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast today was some plain oats with banana, dried cherries, cinnamon mixed in and topped with wheatgerm, plain unsweetened shredded wheat squares, organic optimum cereal (banana-almond) and a few walnut halves, as well as some skim. and a vitamin. x trois :P

this week has been...hellish, but i decided that i want to try new things and just broaden my wacko sheltered like paranoid life at the moment. i hope to start with breakfast :P like new oatmeals...okay i realise this is clearly not broadening much but little baby steps is how i shall roll. i was able to try a few new things since the last post...

like cream of wheat, i used to eat it all the time as a child especially in the winter months, like my family would eat hot cereal a lot and alternate between this and "bird seed" as i called it, but it was red river cereal, and then oatmeal occasionally...but i had it with my family this past sunday, reminded me of my childhood

but i would like to try these two loves inspired carrot pb sammy, this really amazing girl's oatmeal creations (my favourites on the list are the slivered almond-nut butter and the craisin-nut butter)...i actually don't normally put nut butter on my oatmeal as i don't like it that warm, but it could be nice...so i shall attempt it :P. and i will find more, if you have any options that are yum let me know please!!! also i'm intrigued about the whole overnight oats but i don't know if i'd want to leave something for that long in the fridge...and maybe it would taste gross...and just, i dunno like how many people have eaten and loved it?

im having weird like triggering issues, and wanting to be tiny. and just like maybe i wasn't gaining much or trying to control my eating in terms of cals...so now that i feel like im noticing something or if i eat more one day im like wtf and then if i hear about people exercising like my family or what not i feel so large. and just gross. and i make certain comments into something else, like say i went for a run, then if my dad would be like "oh its nice out you should go for a walk" and i get all defensive like i went running remember??? what do you mean?? im sure i sound like a psycho. but yea, and i know im not dangerously thin or even anything remotely close to that. so i know i can lose. and the thing is that i was never in ip really and though i lost the trust of people including doctors and had to gain like maybe 5 years ago...that was a while ago. some people may have forgotten. but on the other hand if i went like lower than before or just got out of control i'd mess up everything and have to gain more and probably be more than i am now. sorry if this is just triggering, i just felt like saying my thoughts.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately, like three nights in the past week i've taken forever like 3 or more i don't knwo hours, even when im sooo tired. and it sucks its scary to be so tired and realise that you cannot fall asleep, and i can't make myself, and it just feels awful so hopeless-like. i don't know why its happening, i mean i might have some idea but it doesn't make sense still. how do you deal with this if it happens?

am snack of plain western yogurt, cinnamon, organic wheat squares
anyway, i handed in a major essay yesterday in class and another one i finished last night, its not due for a bit but i have many things to complete around this time and don't want to be freaking out too much if its all at the exact same moment you know?

plaid :):)

i hope everyone is managing alright :) i really appreciate the comments and support and love reading all your posts, as i've mentioned too many times before :P lots of love

Monday, November 8, 2010


hey lovelies :):) its getting coooolld. but i like it rather than the heat i think

some of my desk at home :)

*****this morning i tried, for the first time ever, scottish-oats! just for myself, i was planning on making it for others but they weren't interested today. i'm always/usually nervous to try new things, so i was hesitant. it tasted quite creamy and sort of gelled in the bowl afterward. sounds unappealing but it reminded me of something...i think cream of wheat? the brand i have is bob's red mill organic, i have quite the assortment of bob's products in my fridge and freezer (wheat germ, natural bran for baking, scottish oats, oat bran, cornmeal for baking, bulgar...)

topped with cinnamon, a few tbps flax granola, Quaker oatmeal squares and sliced banana mixed in

i liked the taste, texture and just how it was easy to clean, i mean the pot was placed under the tap and the stuff just came off in a film! also sounds nasty but i was happy about that part :P

i also loved the package, i felt scottish for a few seconds...aha.

the air smelled so fresh, which is saying something since i live in a large pretty polluted city :P where i go running (sometimes) its in this ravine area and its just filled with leaves now and smells like a provincial park near my cottage, mmm:)

mmm teas...mostly peppermint and sleepytime :)

one of my breakfasts this week was large flake oats with a bit of flax granola on top, but the addition of 3 small ginger snap-like cookies which added sweetness and this nutty ginger flavour when they sort of melted with the heat of the oats. that sounds gross but it was ahhhmazing :) truly. i've been reading the clique books...i know they're meant for like 13 year olds but sort of addicting, and now i have their lingo in my head. not a good thing :S

i have this "pause" at my school this week, so i have no classes for some of my courses. still lots of work though, but i'll save a bit of money not traveling on the subway :P my brother and i might look at apartments though, as i will likely be moving in with him soon, especially once i'm done uni. and possibly investing in a larger place to rent out and stuff. i feel strange saying that on here but i don't believe anyone knows me for real or like where i live...well perhaps the city. shh don't tell.

yummy bars, optimum blueberry flax and nuts over chocolate luna

i realised that i have an addition to clothing, like purchasing new stuff, but i always watch my budget so i'm not concerned about that. lately its like online purchasing, and i bought jcrew for the second time in my life. the only other item i have is their jackie cardigan, basic in black which i purchased a few years ago when i went with my family to buffalo to shop, galleria mall yee...its where us Canadians go when the dollar is good :P just like now! i actually got crew-cuts, honestly those kids are my style icons, whyyy can't i be this amazing???

jcrew fall catalog
i also keep getting books on amazon.ca usually second hand, and they can be like one cent each but then they cost nearly seven dollars to ship, but all in all sort of a deal i guess.

breakfast last week of cold cereals, banana, almonds...

i've been sort of sad lately, well that often happens but i mean everything seems like such a chore, and i rarely feel happy naturally. when i went out to dinner that time with my family it was SO hard...but then when i just relaxed and ate it reminded me of when i used to go out to that restaurant all the time, even when i worried about calories and such, i just wasn't so paranoid about everything, and it was fun...i mean, things used to be fun and just more carefree and i don't know what my problem is, life shouldn't be this difficult. my life isn't that bad, but they way i am living right now it just gives off that feeling. and i don't look happy. apparently i just look like sick and sad...? fuck :(

i baked muffins! pumpkin(with raisins too), from one of anne lindsay's cookbooks

i was listening on the radio this morning and apparently (i wouldn't know as i rarely go there anymore :( ) um starbucks put up their like holiday shtuff the day after halloween aha and people are freaking out, so there was this debate on, when is it toooo early for that kind of thing, like this one guy was driving on the road and a station began playing christmas music and he nearly drove right off the road in shock. bahaha..not funny though if he had been hurt.

i used to start listening like mid november when this one station began playing non-stop until christmas and i'd be in my room doing homework. except not because i can't work with music but anyway, yea it made me happy. i used to get more excited about christmas but now it makes me scared and i HAAATE that. honestly like one thing that made me happy naturally is taken away because im so stupid and anxious and scared about every possible thing that can go wrong that i can never relax and enjoy the moment, and soon i don't know i mean anything can happen and i can't live like this, people die and so many people in my family (extended) are sick with like cancer and its just so sad, life is fragile....
okay, if i have any readers left...let me know what i should post about, i just want to write something happy and i run out of ideas besides just telling you what i'm up to. and since that normally isn't blog-worthy, i need more things :) i hope you're doing well, i always love to read your posts and even more adore reading comments ;)

love you lots!