Saturday, February 4, 2012

no, i won’t grow up

hey lovelies :):)

is anybody there? i miss you all, but i am sure that you’re just busy and having fun, right?

happy february :) it still shocks me when i realise how much time is going by, i can’t believe i’ve been living in my apartment now for over a year. time seems to go by agonizingly slow during some moments…yet, i often find myself looking back, so confused and sad, wondering what the hell just happened. i know i will regret it when i get even older and find myself, yet again, not in the place that i want to be. but sometimes even that fear, isn’t enough to motivate me to change my ways and just move on.

i feel slightly strange posting, just because i don’t know where everyone has gone. i know that fewer updates can mean something positive (as in, you’re too busy having fun and living life) and not simply that something is wrong. but it makes me a bit sad, and i feel ashamed to admit this. that i have a tough time dealing with change, and moving on, forward. i long for things from the past, like memories and people that i used to talk to, and places that i used to go to. i find myself often looking through old blogs with authors that i never got to ‘meet’ because they left the [blog'] world before i even made an [i’ll admit, minor] appearance. and i just cannot move on. i can’t move forward or leave things in the past, whether the memories are good ones or bad ones…and i think that might be why im not doing that well, and why i have such a tough time letting go of habits, and ideas in my head.

but i am so terrified that i’ll look back on this time, i know i will, and be filled with more regrets. i hate it. i hate looking back on the past…oh, i don’t know, eight, nine years just hating what i’ve done. or what i haven’t done. before then, i would look back and remember happy times. and i want to do that, i want to look back and smile, not hate myself even more. and, as we get older, i know those mistakes get bigger and they’re so much harder to fix…and sometimes we can’t fix them. yet, why the hell can’t i just see that? i don’t understand it. i think it just feels to risky to change what im doing to please others, and to do what’s likely best for me…because it means that i have to do even more things that i don’t like, and i don’t want to endure that. i guess the future sort of seems so far ahead. i don’t know why i can’t learn from my mistakes. i can’t even explain myself properly now. but, its not like a story, or a book, that you can just re-read over and over and it never changes. you might get something new out of it each time, but it’s still going to be there and stay that way no matter what. i don’t even care how lame that analogy was, because it nearly explains what i’m feeling. and i do that…i re read books that i love, over and over, and i love films. and…honestly i think that’s one of the reasons i love to act. but i think it’s the wrong reason, wanting to be other people, to escape, being someone else is okay, but only if you’re also living your own life. you cannot just live through a book or a movie or a story. i don’t think that’s healthy yet i sort of do it all the time.

but i don’t want this to be another negative update, because i know how difficult those are to read. and often i just have to stop reading someone’s blog for a bit, and i feel so guilty, because it’s not fair to them…and it’s hypocritical because i do the same thing. so, i will move on to more happy subjects…like yummy eats & gingersnap larabars…that’s just what i’ve been thinking about this past week ;P i had one of two, only two (!!!) lovely gingersnap bars and made it last a little while. yet i was nonetheless sad to finish it off…i have one left though.

i’ve been taking photos a bit more often, which makes me happy i guess. i’m not that good though, i know that lighting is a huge contributor to successful photography, but mine are never that nice, even though i keep trying to practice and work on things like composition. though i don’t think have have grasped that concept yet :/

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gingersnap oatmeal—> old fashion oats cooked in water, cinnamon & ginger with 1/2 ripe banana, 5 natural raw almonds chopped + topped with part of a gingersnap larabar, crystallized ginger and a few tbsp almond milk :)

that bar is amazing, flavour-wise it smells so heavenly. i only have one left from new york in october, i saved them for a long time. i hope they come here but i doubt it, as the cinnamon roll never did and it’s retired now. likewise with the pistachio, and the cocoa-mole i think. but ohhh my god okay i thought it was a spicy chocolate, like with peppers or something, but then i just learned that it’s cinnamon??? i don’t like spicy things but i love cinnamon and ginger. i love love love loveee ginger ;)


anyway, that’s about it ;P … so, please just let me know how you’re all doing, im dying here ;P and maybe you can give me a little (big) shove and shake me and scream “WAKE UP JEN”…


because i’m just dancing, dreaming here…not really thinking about reality or clearly realising what i’m doing to myself and to my future. i really don’t want to regret things anymore, and i don’t want to look back and wish that i’d changed when i had the chance.

so long lovies ;) and i will talk to you all later, much love xoxox


  1. WAKE UP JEN! :)

    Now seriously, I don't think you need to think of it as waking up. It's not as simple as dreaming then waking, it's about making small (sometimes insignificant) changes every single day. If that means eating 6 almonds instead of 5 at breakfast then that's great, but it's just important to improve little things every day. That way you don't feel overwhelmed by what you feel you need to do, yet you still have the target in mind. That target of living without this, and looking back and being proud of yourself.

    How about making a Challenges Diary? And every day write down a challenge (it can be tiny tiny or big)that you want to achieve or have achieved, so you CAN look back and be proud, not angry with yourself.

    Much love, Allegra

    1. allegra thank you love and i agree, little steps :) xox

  2. Hi,

    Happy that you're back posting. Being in a difficult place right now doesn't mean that you'll be in that same spot forever, no matter how much it feels like that. Your optimism is waning and hopefully you'll be able to recover from this period soon. I agree with Allegra, any little thing to help you each and everyday will improve your life. Instead of holding on to Larabars you love, just try and enjoy 1/2 of one knowing that you still have the other half. Little things like may improve your days. Also, have you watched Lou Federer's channel on Youtube? I would highly suggest it though it may be triggering, it does show the progression of someone that was in the middle of anorexia but came out and is still posting videos and really helping others. Check it out.

    Also, if you need anything Stateside just let me know. By the way, I'm the lady that always posts anony. That's terrible I know but if you leave your email I'll email you my info so we can talk.

    All the best. One day at a time and you'll get through it.

    1. hey ;) thank you! my email, i thought it was on the blog but its if you check this at all. thank you so much for this though, i really appreciate it xox

  3. Jen, I’m sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. I’m glad you are back to posting since I missed your posts last week (not that I’ve been posting much either). I hope whatever I write here makes some sense to you and I hope that it does not sound too mean or critical. I understand you’re struggling, I know how hard it is to try and move on, and let go of how things used to be. I look back into my past and I can’t remember it very well but I can remember a point when I was happy, and then shit happened, and I lost all of that feeling, and I just want to return to that early feelings of pure happiness and such, but I know I can’t... and because I am partially consumed with returning to what I was I have long lists of things I have not done because I don’t want to change, I want to hold onto that person that was happy before this all happened (gosh this probably makes no sense). But what I’m slowly coming to realize that I need to change, that that is what happens as little as I may like it and it will be easier in the long run if I try to move on with it rather than fight against it all the time.
    I completely understand your feelings about acting, I found the same thing through dance, it was just so easy to slip into those roles and forget everything and be completely consumed by dance. But I’ve found now that I’ve only made things much more difficult for me, that because I escaped so completely into dance I was not able to develop myself as an individual and now since I’m not dancing at the level I was I am completely lost….
    On your thought of doing what is the best for you and not to please others… that is a difficult balance… I hope this doesn’t sound harsh…but sometimes you do not always know what is best for you, there are times you may think you do, but sometimes outside interference is necessary. Otherwise I think you sadly get stuck trying to protect yourself (I am absolutely guilty of this)
    Your breakfast looks lovely! And I’m glad you are taking more photos! I don’t know how helpful I am, but if you are ever want to talk I’d be glad to. xxx

    1. :) don't worry if it's harsh, it wasn't but i think that the truth is helpful. i agree with most of what you say and i do know that i obviously don't know what's right for me all the time...or most of the time :p xox

  4. Hello,

    I've just found your blog, and agree with the comments above that your breakfast does look lovely! I also really like the idea of a 'challenge book'. I have a mental list of challenges but I like the idea of having it down on paper, just to cross it off again when it's been tackled!

    Look forward to reading some more of your posts.

    1. :) thank you, crossing off things makes you feel accomplished though sometimes, doesn;'t it? even if it's like, "sweep the floor"...;P