Wednesday, April 4, 2012

escaping the nightmare


hey you ;P it’s already april?!? ah, time keeps flying by, yet at certain points it seems to drag on. particularly when im feeling poorly. doesn’t it always work out that way? ;(

…so today is not going well. i know thats just a repeat of every post i’ve made in the last…year, more? aside from a few silly ones. i decided to take this online test for fun, because…well i was attempting to distract myself from feeling so unbelievable sick and i was like shaking and lsdjflk blah not cool.

You got 49 of 60 possible points.

Your score: 82 %

Profound Anxiety

Please see a physician

…durrrr :/ well that sucks.


today actually started off okay, i was able to go out for a short run, and it was really mild. but not too hot for running (which i just cannot do). and i ate breakfast, bob’s red mill rolled oats (extra large/thick… i can’t make that sound un-dirty)) with banana and almonds in the microwave, along with crystallized ginger, a few shredded wheat squares and a little bit of so-good non-fat, i haven’t had that in so long! i used to love it last summer. paired with a cereal like shredded wheat, no sugar/salt, almonds and banana, it would sweeten the bowl up nicely ;P

anyway, then i started to feel awful and ugh idk what’s wrong. i know what i think it could be, and im always fearing something awful. but i put on harry potter (the first one) and just like sat there shaking trying to pretend that i was okay. my brother and his girlfriend are here too, so they were just watching, and my brother kept making odd comments about the storyline (he never liked them and did not continue after the first…i know. we’re totally not related)

but i wanted to post anyway, even though i knew it would lower people’s mood. im sad. and scared. both for myself and for other people that i honestly care about so much. so so much. and i hate that we’re struggling, i mean everyone. because its so hard to do this and to get better, or at least it seems so to me. and i know its so selfish, i realise that if i changed my attitude it might help. but i do, honestly these past few weeks ive tried changing habits and doing things that scare me. but, to be honest, just about everything scares me these days, so that’s not saying much :/ but still its like i can’t get past it because the fear and anxiety and awful symptoms take over and im just completely knocked over by them. i can’t beat it and i can’t go forward. and its hurting everyone, not just myself of course. but even that notion can’t provide me with the motivation and strength and effort to just try a little bit more…


can anxiety cause symptoms, like extreme and debilitating nausea? and stomach stuff and hot and cold flashes, like sweating feelings but you’re shaking. im not worried that im dying, im worried that im sick. or that im going to be sick. i don’t understand why my body would want me to be sick, like physically ill all the time. every time i tell my mom that it truly is so bad at times, she just looks so sad and says, ‘you have to eat’. and i say, ‘i know i do’. and i have been doing so despite the fact that i feel like im going to be sick, normally i’d just not want to eat a thing. but i feel like its a sign and my body wants me to be sick or something, because i fear it so much. but its making it even harder to get better. especially that the symptoms come on so quickly often.

and the weird dizzy/nausea/black spells that hit often in the early morning…i thought it was low bp and i’ve been increasing sodium at most times…if that is causing it. sorry, this isn’t fair for you, i know you’re not my doctor, and i am seeing professionals ;P don’t you worry! if you were worrying…;) but there are so many unanswered questions, so i feel very uneasy.

fly away home 2

i want to watch this right now, honestly im seeking anything to escape. hense the harry potter. and im re-reading my favourite novel for the habagillionth time (that’s a word) and  ahhh i want to go to my cottage :) i know that doesn’t solve anything, but fly away home reminds me of my cottage, up north, my childhood…just, so much.

im sorry for this lovely update :/ i hope that everyone is doing better, i love you all seriously :) and i’ll come back soon i hope. when im not in a shitty place. xox


  1. ((hugs)) sooo many hugs i am sending your way.
    i know things seem so tough right now, but just keep taking steps forwards... even if they are small ones... and lean on the people who love you and can help support and carry you until you can stand again. things WILL get better and you WILL recover. i know this because you are a strong and incredible woman and also because i have been where you are many times. feeling tired, lost, confused, wondering if recovery was EVER going to be possible for me... and it WAS and still IS!!! And it will be for you too <3

    1. jenn, thank yo so much, i hope you're doing well, i really appreciate this :) xox

  2. Oh gosh Jen, I am sending many many hugs your way. I know things seem so rough and hopeless at times, but it does get better, it has to… it seems so ridiculous and sad that so many lovely people suffer so much (you included of course). Anxiety is a horrible thing, and I think the mental anguish being experienced does act out in physical symptoms. I am glad you are getting help. I am glad you are taking steps, as small as they seem now they are still steps and thus helpful.
    And on a less serious note, my brother does the exact same thing with the Harry Potter movies, whenever my sister and I have watched the movies he likes to stand around and make commentary on how stupid it is, very silly of him!
    Try and take care Jen! I hope you start to feel better soon!

    1. aw thank you :) and my brother, he actually was nice about it, i made it seem like he was rude, but he was just funny, asking questions like, 'why does he need to get a wand' aha xox

    2. well that is nice of your brother then! I actually believe my brother secretly enjoys harry potter and is just putting on his tough guys act!

    3. :) chyeaaa he probably does ;P

  3. I am so sorry you're struggling right now. Sometimes, when you aren't able to convince yourself you're worth recovery or can do it, it helps to have someone/anyone there to remind you and push you and hold you accountable to getting your life back because they care! If you don't have anyone like that at home, I would love to be that person (I know we don't know each other, but we could become great friends? plus I love helping others). I hope you feel better :)

    1. ahhh thank you :) you are so sweet + i would love to become friends ;P xox

  4. hello jennifer

    ive been reading your blog for a while now, so sorry your experiencing this state of health. i wanted to comment because you sound a little similiar to me when i was around 16. i have diaries from then, i always wrote in them, 'i must be more positive' or 'whats wrong with me' or 'i need to try harder'. fast forward twenty years and i was dx with a condition called p.o.t.s. my autonomic system is affected, and has been for so many years. all the dots joined up when i was dx. maybe you could look up the conditon on the web, wikipedia describes it well.

    i know this is a long shot, i can hear your worry, i too was the same, i just wish i was diagnosed sooner. take care and i hope you find out whats causing your symptoms. emma x

    1. thank you :) i've looked at that, its scary how close the symptoms are, but it also seems to cover such a wide array of issues, + maybe is often either misdiagnosed or overlooked? but i appreciate this, and i hope you're doing better xox

  5. Sorry for the late comment ;)

    I took an anxiety test online, and although I admit I am nowhere nearly as anxious as you in terms of feeling physical illness, I scored high as well. @_@ My anxiety is very social-related, and I am very avoidant. So I "manage" my anxiety by avoiding social situations lol... I'm so good at being anxiety-free. ;)

    Okay, I know this is a serious issue, just trying to bring some fun to your otherwise stressful life!


    1. mitri :) sort of like that too. yea i guess i cannot avoid the things, well i try to, but i know that a lot of what i fear i have to go through, ugh its just a mess. and i love that you brought the fun part to this, i need that. i love fun. wee. and laughing and not this negative stuff, sort of why i can`t post. i need something gooood bah ;( thank you though, so much, you`re always helpful xoxox