Wednesday, June 19, 2013


“We ate the birds. We ate them. We wanted their songs to flow up through our throats and burst out of our mouths, and so we ate them. We wanted their feathers to bud from our flesh. We wanted their wings, we wanted to fly as they did, soar freely among the treetops and the clouds, and so we ate them. We speared them, we clubbed them, we tangled their feet in glue, we netted them, we spitted them, we threw them onto hot coals, and all for love, because we loved them. We wanted to be one with them. We wanted to hatch out of clean, smooth, beautiful eggs, as they did, back when we were young and agile and innocent of cause and effect, we did not want the mess of being born, and so we crammed the birds into our gullets, feathers and all, but it was no use, we couldn’t sing, not effortlessly as they do, we can’t fly, not without smoke and metal, and as for the eggs we don’t stand a chance. We’re mired in gravity, we’re earthbound. We’re ankle-deep in blood, and all because we ate the birds, we ate them a long time ago, when we still had the power to say no.”

(Margaret Atwood)

i haven’t written here in a long time. i sort of thought that i might come up with something spontaneously, yet i also had a feeling that this blog had died a little bit. but today i just really felt like writing here, even though i have nothing to say. i’m not going to focus on the negative (meaning, the present) because that hasn’t helped me so far.


coconut raisins almond oats

random snaps of breakfast

i’m just a tad embarrassed that i have nothing really interesting or noteworthy to share.

except, i got even older.


but that’s sort of a given, and i didn’t really try hard to achieve that one. i actually wasn’t that happy about this, but i think i’ve shared enough on that topic, year after year.

i don’t like getting older.


cottage chipmunk. there were so many that weekend, more than i’ve seen since we got eve in 2002          (they used to come around, and were pretty tame when i was little)

i’ve started going out with people a bit more. nothing too crazy because…loner. but, you know, like family things, a bit of friend stuff. i might be going to an art gallery this friday with a new friend. i know, that’s pretty wild. i try.


oh, rory, i completely agree. (i love him so much by the way. the entire culklin clan are fucking foxes)

i know that there isn’t anyone reading, really. i miss everyone so much, i don’t know where you are ;( oh well, i hope that the absence means that you’re having fun, enjoying life, leaving behind your struggles and all that crap. i know that’s not the case for me, but i’m not really like other people. ahaha… im a ‘special case’. ugh, it hurts though. i’m not going to lie. i know someone who uses that expression for everything, literally. it’s actually pretty funny. i haven’t said anything yet though. but, yea…i tend to like to be alone, yet i realise that this is not a healthy thing. but distractions don’t work like they used to. by blocking reality out, i don’t make the thoughts, the sickness, the anxiety, and sadness, go away. it still sits there like a huge rock that tries to butt into everything. but i think that’s sort of common, and i hate to act like a huge pity attention-seeking complainer (which i am). so i’ll just leave it at that.

again, i really miss you. anyone out there that’s ever written a little message or note, or that i’ve connected with in the past. i still remember everyone, and think about people very, very often. xoxox


  1. I appreciate the update, no matter how random. :) You know, life is an interesting thing... I've got a lot of good going for me, but I still have this great social anxiety that washes over everything. Part of it is just being a loner, as you say, in that I often have no interest in partaking in what others want to partake in; it is boring to me. I'd rather read a book than go drinking, you know? But even then, my disinterest/apathy generated by anxiety of having to socialize... it gets in the way. It makes the ones who love me sad sometimes, as something so simple as going to a group get-together is enough to cause me to stress all day in reluctant anticipation.

    I doubt you are the only one who still has the thoughts, the sickness, the anxiety, and sadness. It is just that others have decided they are afraid to be open online anymore, or do not want to be 'found' or 'seen,' or are just very good at pretending to be fine.

    I am sure that you are being thought of just as you are thinking of others.

    1. it's probably not the best idea for me to share so much online though, so maybe they're doing the smart thing ;P thank you, mitri. i always love your comments and advice, you have a lot to share. xox

  2. I've actually been wondering how you're doing, girl! I struggle a lot with feeling forgotten...I think that's why it's been harder for me to start up my new blog and keep posting because when there aren't many comments I feel like it doesn't matter because no one is reading and I don't have anything significant to say anyways. Plus, you're definitely not the only one who realizes that the community has shrunk. I have felt sad that some of the bloggers I used to follow so much aren't as active anymore too.

    You're important and you matter, Jen! Really, I mean that! And you're absolutely not the only one struggling...I'm in the middle of a strugglefest myself right now. Life is HARD. You're not alone <3


    1. sarah :) thank you, i wonder about you as well but i've seen your new blog and i think it's great. xox

  3. I actually thought of you just the other day. At the grocery store there was this huge bin of mini Lara bars for 10 cents each (they're like bite-sized, 90-100 cal each).

    And I forgot we have the same birthday! I was 24 on the 7th as well (and my sister).

    1. ten cents??? whaaat. that's not fair, its like 2 dollars for one regular one here :/ but i love that we are the same age :)