Friday, June 25, 2010

i've had better weeks......

hey lovelies :) :) this isn't too positive of a post but you don't deserve to read that :P so i'll start with some nicer things...

today for breakfast i had a bowl of oats, mixture of regular and large flake

with some organic wheat squares, banana in and on top,
a few almonds, ohhh and a little blob of soy ice cream
in the middle

no food photos from my cottage as i didn't eat much/was ill, etc. and it's been lasting for a while :( like starting when i made my last post, saddd ;( i have a fear of being sick so when i feel really ill i can't eat much (i guess no one can though right?) and i really hate that, like feeling so scared of eating, not even for weight-reasons but because i'm worried i'll be sick, and my relationship with food became this huge nightmare in a matter of hours pretty much. i want to love food again, but it represents a bad thing. again, this isn't really about calories and stuff, i mean i guess that will stick with me for a while, but mainly because i'm worried about what will happen if i eat. but i'm trying to get back on track slowly and i have a few photos of later in the week food. i feel like its worse not to be able to do something, i mean extremely dangerous to restrict but when it's not fully your choice that you're not eating, it seems so much worse because im just thinking what is wrong with me??? so it's not truly my choice, i'd rather have eaten with my family and just been more relaxed and happy. it's weird that it becomes such an issue but now food represented this negative scary thing to me, and if i ate it i though, "oh no i'll be sick" and whether i was or not, the anxiety was pretty high too causing a ton of symptoms. and
wow i love my family for putting up with me. anywhooo...i took some outdoor photos there nonetheless

sort of looks like i have flowered rain boots on :)

the camp that i'm at doesn't provide lunch which i like :) so i can pack one, but its nut free, as expected i guess but omggg what will i do, thats like all day without any, which is where i get protein aha. and im worried about the whole eating thing since from experience we just get to eat lunch and its sort of like you eat when the kids eat so im not even sure i'll get to eat my own snack. i also might die from lack of nuts :P so i can eat almonds in the morning and maybe nut butters, i've never been a fan of nut butters in cereal or anything mainly just on bread but i guess i could start putting them on my breakfast bowls :) i just don't want to get screwed over somehow. also they have that whole "make a good example policy" for the campers and i have certain habits that i don't want to be noticed for.

i've been really difficult to live with in the past bit i think, i feel like im so controlling and little things irritate me sooo much. so i come of as bitchy i'm sure, to my family...wait i totally am bitchy. i'm a kind person but i get like upset and stuff and lately its like i want to control everything and im so freaky about germs and cleaning and food in particular. and since i've been ill or whatever in the past week i get so scared when i eat, so maybe that's why i'm not a joy to be around? i have a dentist appointment this morning. gahhh. normally i wouldn't mind but lately when i go its so painful. i don't mean like uncomfortable but like my mouth throbs for a few days afterward. i think my gums are like sensitive but the hygienist has no fear like grinding (sorry really tmi) in there and like sticking things in and ahh its like she's trying to make me bleed for hours. but it has to be done. so i'll go :P. i chose friday since my dad says the woman is a bit more gentle than the one who cleans earlier in the week, so he always asks to be scheduled on a friday aha.

i realise i complain all the time on here and you probably think i'm just ungrateful, or annoying, or just selfish. and i realise this. but lately i've just been having a tough time in everything and i'm not happy. party its the control/plan/whatever thing i mean it's difficult to relax when everything seems planned out and i want to be prepared for as much as i can so i never really just enjoy the moment. and then im anxious and feel crappy most of the time, and being around myself makes me just think about my own issues and dwell on them. but i also think of others, more in an unhealthy way, i guess physically if someone's not okay i feel it too and get so worked up about it. but i guess that's also a good thing, to care about others but it becomes annoying, like with my family i'll ask them if they're okay and do things for them and just bother them (not intentionally though)...i can imagine that it's irritating when someone's like up in your grill all the time (aka hem me).
................................................................................................ about this weather? i'm not sure what it's like for you but wowww it's been hot. too hot really. like you walk outside and pass out kind of hot. in my province they had tornados and i was watching the news and, although no one was seriously injured, some buildings were literally destroyed, this one woman was showing her house. it was not a house, i mean there was no structure and she was telling the reporter, "and this was my living room, here's my bed, i cannot even find my kitchen". :( that's really awful. we had an earthquake, way down beneath the surface but things still shook. i think other parts of the country had some damage to buildings but it wasn't very catastrophic. and then the prairies have had huge downpours as well, i don't remember it being so awful, the weather i mean. it's sort of scary. and then with the g-20 and all the police are all over the place, sort of chaotic!

back to the blog though, and food :)...

slightly repetitive but this one was different...

close up with banana and natural crunchy pb on my
favourite bread, stonemill with flax,pumpkin seeds,

with this camp job i won't have much time in the mornings for food, so i need to speed up my breakfast-making...and maybe rely on cold cereal a lot of the time :)

and yesterday morning i heard this tiny bird chirp, sounding very close and i looked out the front door and he/she was just on top, hard to see but it's there i promise...

an inch above here, little dude/dudette sitting and chatting

i hope everyone's enjoying summer whether you're working, school-ing, playing, love you all


  1. ahh hun, dont worry about the complaining, its perfectly normal and if you cant have a moan on your own blog, when can you?!?!?!
    Im the same tho, i find that because i feel tense and anxious alot of the time, i end up taking some of the frustrations i feel out on my mum... even just about silly stuff that has no real point! but i always feel guilty afterwards cos i know its not ME its my ED making me grouchy. I like to think i make up for it by always trying to help out but i worry sometimes that im a downer on the house!

    I guess the weather has a big extension lead, cos its hot and sunny all the way over here in the uk too!! im not a fan of that stifling humid heat tho, it just seems like it makes everyone all sweaty....
    im a girl, i dont like to sweat!!!! :-p

    hope you're feeling better today and good luck with those non-nut based packed lunches! xxxx

  2. First of all you are NOT selfish or annoying at all! The exact opposite of that I would say. And don't worry about complaining on your whole blog is basically me complaining.

    I understand what you mean about things just feeling out of control and uncertain. But just try to concentrate and the present and don't worry about the future! Sorry you are feeling down, I can relate. Recovery is filled with ups and downs, but I know you have what it takes to get through this hun.

    ps...cute outfits!!!

  3. thanks so much both of you :) xoxox this heat sucks :P

  4. Your cottage looks gorgeous, and I adore the colorful boots!
    Don't apologize for needing to vent. It is your blog, your
    place to feel free and unsensored.
    I hope that things begin to look up!