Tuesday, November 16, 2010

new beginnings :)

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast today was some plain oats with banana, dried cherries, cinnamon mixed in and topped with wheatgerm, plain unsweetened shredded wheat squares, organic optimum cereal (banana-almond) and a few walnut halves, as well as some skim. and a vitamin. x trois :P

this week has been...hellish, but i decided that i want to try new things and just broaden my wacko sheltered like paranoid life at the moment. i hope to start with breakfast :P like new oatmeals...okay i realise this is clearly not broadening much but little baby steps is how i shall roll. i was able to try a few new things since the last post...

like cream of wheat, i used to eat it all the time as a child especially in the winter months, like my family would eat hot cereal a lot and alternate between this and "bird seed" as i called it, but it was red river cereal, and then oatmeal occasionally...but i had it with my family this past sunday, reminded me of my childhood

but i would like to try these two loves inspired carrot pb sammy, this really amazing girl's oatmeal creations (my favourites on the list are the slivered almond-nut butter and the craisin-nut butter)...i actually don't normally put nut butter on my oatmeal as i don't like it that warm, but it could be nice...so i shall attempt it :P. and i will find more, if you have any options that are yum let me know please!!! also i'm intrigued about the whole overnight oats but i don't know if i'd want to leave something for that long in the fridge...and maybe it would taste gross...and just, i dunno like how many people have eaten and loved it?

im having weird like triggering issues, and wanting to be tiny. and just like maybe i wasn't gaining much or trying to control my eating in terms of cals...so now that i feel like im noticing something or if i eat more one day im like wtf and then if i hear about people exercising like my family or what not i feel so large. and just gross. and i make certain comments into something else, like say i went for a run, then if my dad would be like "oh its nice out you should go for a walk" and i get all defensive like i went running remember??? what do you mean?? im sure i sound like a psycho. but yea, and i know im not dangerously thin or even anything remotely close to that. so i know i can lose. and the thing is that i was never in ip really and though i lost the trust of people including doctors and had to gain like maybe 5 years ago...that was a while ago. some people may have forgotten. but on the other hand if i went like lower than before or just got out of control i'd mess up everything and have to gain more and probably be more than i am now. sorry if this is just triggering, i just felt like saying my thoughts.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately, like three nights in the past week i've taken forever like 3 or more i don't knwo hours, even when im sooo tired. and it sucks its scary to be so tired and realise that you cannot fall asleep, and i can't make myself, and it just feels awful so hopeless-like. i don't know why its happening, i mean i might have some idea but it doesn't make sense still. how do you deal with this if it happens?

am snack of plain western yogurt, cinnamon, organic wheat squares
anyway, i handed in a major essay yesterday in class and another one i finished last night, its not due for a bit but i have many things to complete around this time and don't want to be freaking out too much if its all at the exact same moment you know?

plaid :):)

i hope everyone is managing alright :) i really appreciate the comments and support and love reading all your posts, as i've mentioned too many times before :P lots of love


  1. Sorry to hear youre not sleeping well, i get that sometimes... try a nice warm drink before bed. I roll with a bowl of microwaved mushy warm cereal and it soothes me to sleep like a big baby!!! :-p

    Speaking of which, baby steps are still steps right?! as long as your moving in the right direction, there is no rule for how far or fast you progress, take things at your own pace, go with what feels comfortable and success will be alot more likely!

    Good luck and LOVE that shirt, (im a massive plaid fan, perfect winter clothing!)

  2. thanks both of you xox and clemmy i pretty much always have like peppermint tea or something of that sort before bed. :P

  3. :) I love those girlies oatmeal creations
    , I'm a big fan if tahini/date oats or almond butter, honey n" pear oats, pooh walnut/apricot oats are yum too ! :) xx

  4. i've never had tahini...should i buy it and try? its something that they provide many brans including cheaper versions as my store whereas the almond butters (which i sometimes get though) and like cashew are so expensive and im not sure i'd like them. xox

  5. Eeep! It made me so happy to see you using my recipes! Thank you! You are so amazing and wonderful, Ellen!

    I LOVE your plaid red shirt! Absolutely positively! I just bought one kind of like it and I LOVE it! I LOVE flannel! =] so warm and happy.

    If you're restricting, which I really really really want you to stop (even little things...we ALL know how it spirals out of control) then it messes with your sleep patterns.

    I'm not at a dangerously low weight either, and I too get ticked off when my mom hints that I should run. I'm like, "uhh why do I have to run, I exercised in other ways???" but my mom is also CRAZY PSYCHO IDIOTIC RIDICULOUS so it takes HUGE willpower to not revert back to OVERexercising when she says stupid stuff like that.

    I'm sure your dad is just encouraging you to enjoy the weather. We must try to ignore things like that!

    love always

  6. thanks alexandra :):) i know flanel is like a warm fire aha, weird since i hate being hot but it was okay :P yes, i knwo my dad was just making conversation and i take it the wrong way a lot

  7. Hey,
    Im jelous that your aloud to run, my parents would flip shit. I'm not even in the 'danger zone' but still trying to gain for health.
    I find it hard to increase in cals too, like if i have something more it feels wrong, even though i know its the right thing.

  8. yea i have never been put off exercise for health or anything, plus honestly i go for really short runs. and not too often. thanks:)