Saturday, April 23, 2011

thoughts thoughts thoughts

hey lovelies :):)

my breakfast bowl looked similar to this one from last year away at uni , i was more decisive and only put three choices of cereal: shredded wheat, organic multigrain squares, tiny bit of rice crispies, oh i guess another one: granola a few tbsp and cinnamon, ginger (nearly out though!) and almondsss. plus skim milk. and coffee. afterward, as i ran before breaky and showered.

i've been feeling...well ugh plainly, fat i guess. lately i just feel everything on me, that hyper physical awareness of like any form of weight on me like im bloated or swollen and then i just feel disgusting when i eat. and sometimes i review what i've had, since i have been controlling and like habitual with my eats but i haven't been counting everything i think what the hell are you doing jen? you don't need that, i don't. honestly it just, ugh i don't know. for a long time i was losing without really trying and didn't worry plus i felt sick all the time and looked sick. and i still feel ill a lot but i think i've gained a bit, i don't know. so i just feel so gross eating and especially around other people if they see what i put in, or if its a lot. im so aware of that, and any comments. or if i eat at home and my dad says oh im glad you're eating just like ah what the fuck does that mean??? it just takes away any appetite. or he'll say the opposite and its like so many voices inside me conflicting and i don't know what to do or who to listen to. and its not like i can listen to my body as i doesn't know, sometimes i feel awful and sick and full after hardly anything and sometimes i seem super oddly freakishly hungry and i get angry with my body because it causes so much emotional and physical stress...and pain too.

friday's breaky bowl of plain oats a-la-micro-onde, avec du
gingembre, cannelle, abricot and une banane, les cereales froids aussi :P

specifically rice crispies and organic multigrain squares. i likely butchered that, i used to be in french immersion, french all day long for eight years from the wee age of five :P then throughout high school and ive lost so much its quite sad ;( a little tear. anywho, you know what? recently, well maybe a few months ago and then for 5 years before that i had a fear of anything not whole wheat like obsessing about the bloody glycemix index. which bee tee double uuu included bananas. what was i thinking?!? and rice crispies. but they're not like white flour just plain puffed rice i think, very little--if any--sugar and quite nice on top of oats or mixed with other cereals, whole grain if necessary. and when one of my good friends found out she was celiac but could still have rice crispies in the uni cafeteria i thought, oh dear, how awful...then "how boring" but they're nice. if i want a more filling bowl i might have other cereals with it, i haven't yet had the courage to have a proper bowl of them. but when i first "succeeded" in restricting, i was in boarding school for a year and my breaky was either nothing (if i went swimming on the team and missed it :/) or a bit of watermelon or a tiny bowl of rice crispies with a bit of milk, then i would leave as much milk in it as possible and eat the little floating crispies. just thought i'd share that. i usually like mch larger breakies now.

the infamous organic multigrain squares i speak of, either from one store or another, both store brand but theyre organic line, PC or Our Compliments, and iwould say they taste the same, but these ones seem darker, more malt flavour and i thought they might have burnt them at the factory or something they taste like the regular ones :( they're meant to be a store brand version of "Shreddies" but they are very different. much lighter and hardly any malt flavour. the regular our compliments squares, non organic are darker and more like shreddies. but not quite. so these options are whole grain and yummy and just a touch of sweetness.

oh my gosh okay i just had a dream that i met alexa chung in person. but it was apparently no big deal and my friends saw her all the time. and she looked a little bit different in person. it was odd, okay strange dream but i was working at a camp or something and she was there for a bit doing a shoot...? and she came over and was showing her outfit and no one else seemed to care and it was so awkward no one acknowledged and i wanted to be like oh my god guys are you daft??? and i smiled at her and said something about it and she walked away. tehe.

part of an outfit :P

so, if anyone sees this, as i know i have little readers, perhaps its my fault, i don't have much of a drive so its not quite a recovery blog if i don't seem to be demonstrating such actions. plus i don't share that much here and i will probably begin to put down more. howeverrr...i might go shopping for a few bars at the same time i buy my probiotics as its a health shoppe. and well i was wondering what your favourites were. in canada we seem to have a few brands but selection is the negative point, we're missing a few flavours of the laras and lunas and cliffs. we don't get certain uk bars and as for other nations i'm not quite sure. but i'd like to get another oatmeal raisin walnut clif, an old lara favourite (i'll pick one) and try a new one that i haven't yet had like something with coconut which i've always been hesitant to eat. and then one or two lunas. but otherwise which ones should i get??? :D i'd love opinions.

i just saw water for elephants :) i read the novel by sarah gruen and just absolutely loved it, honestly i recommend it to the enth degree :P and my dad had the book actually, then my mom read it and my brother. i love to read its sort of a necessity almost, i just want to be reading a novel pretty much constantly, its like therapy. :) but anyway, the film did a really good job, so i'd recommend it as well.

i hope you're all enjoying spring, possibly finished or soon to be completed classes :) love you muchooo


  1. I love reading your posts-they're so honest and natural. I agree, Canada definitely needs more bar variety-I'm dying to try the larabar Cinnamon roll flavour and the blueberry flavour. As well as some of the UK bars that seem to be floating around the blog world.
    Definitely want to read water for elephants-I've heard wonderful things about it.
    Hope that you feel better soon <3 Spring is gorgeous right now :)

  2. aw thank you so mch, i don't know why i missed your blog but i will be reading it from now on! oh my gosh the cinnamon roll god i am so upset we don't have that...also the gingersnap those two i just want to try!!! stupid canada :P:P

  3. I really liked this post. I can relate to not feeling much of a drive all the time to write so positively. You write honestly about what is really happening. It's like i am just having a conversation with you.
    I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling with thoughts so much. But whatever negative things you're thinking, they're not true! ;P I know its so easy to overanalyze comments and things.
    And as for bars, hmm.. i haven't had a luna bar in a while but I used to really like the dulce de leche one. I like larabars the best though.

  4. Oh lovely, i get that icky full feeling too. and even tho when i tally up i KNOW i havent had nearly enough, just the feeling of eating a big amount all at once fille me with guilt. but we have to ermind ourselves that normal people feel full too, but they dont beat themselves up about it, its just that our teeny tiny tummies are so sensitve to actually HAVING stuff inside them, that it feels like much more... it will get better the more we eat and get used to eating!

    I just did a bar shop in london yest, cos the health food shops there are sooo much better. i got a couple of clif oatmeal,raisin&walnuts and some nakd bars (i think they are uk only) they are SCRUM! we dont get laras or lunas here at all, so if you ever wanna do a little swapsie, just let me know :-)

    So want to see that film, ive heard great things about it. i think ill try and read the book first tho, i always prefer doing that, but i never seem to find the time... i have about 5books on the go as it is!!!

  5. thank you both, these messages surprised me but brightened my morning :) you're both so amazing. and emily i wish i knew you in person i feel like i have a lot in common with you, and we could have an actual convo aha :P clemmy yes we don't have nakd but i've heard its sort of like laras? maybe not though. and a swapsie would be fun :D xoxox