Tuesday, June 28, 2011

tired of it

hey lovelies :):)

eee how are you all???

this morning i had a bowl of cold cereal, i went for a little run beforehand and then got ready. but...it was a nice breakfast, a bit rushed (we had the ac put in in my apartment, with more complications but more on that later :/) because right now its breakfast :)

shredded wheat bites, crisp rice cereal, banana, almonds, non fat soymilk, ginger&cinnamon. quite simple, at least compared to other creations. but i liked it, yes i did :P although this does not belong to me, the photo captures my breakfast today quite swimmingly i think (however mine were the bite-sized shredded wheat).

well we've been trying to get the ac properly installed for a long time. this is at my place, but at my family home we have a regular ac of course, in the house and not like portable or anything :P but this place is a bit older maybe, and it belongs to my brother and moi. however, it's just "toooo darn hot!" and thus it is very much required. but getting our super to come in and getting ourselves organised and what not, well that was a challenge. then it like blew today and the power went off in part of our place, including the fridge. i was fliiiippppiinnnnggg. noooo i have to get rid of my food and cold things and freezer stuff. but it went back on. eventually. i was like cursing everything that might cause bad things to happen. i feel just really down lately, about quite a few things. and i know that your mindset is what determines a lot of your mood, outcomes, etc. but that sounds like a load of slkdjflskdjf at the moment because i feel like im dealt some poor cards you know? i realise im lucky in certain ways. but otherwise i feel like its one thing after another. and i'm not that great at just trying to be positive. that's one of my weak points therefore i just have been upset lately when everything seeming to go downhill.

i just recently saw part of 'the little rascals' on ytv. ahhhh caute....its been a little while since i saw it, but its a bit freaky, like little wee ones acting like adults almost. i mean they're so tiny!

one breakfast at home, apple-spice-sunflower oaties :P

(cooked in water with cinnamon&ginger, banana, and i added half a nature valley whole grain apple crunchy bar with a tbsp sunflower seeds, a bit of granola, skim). the lighting makes it look unappealing but it did taste good!!!!!

i made the brown rice cereal for the first time last week :) i had originally planned someone without the use of a pot, and then my brother talked me into it so i said, 'as long as you have some too'...i tried it out cooked in water w cinnamon&ginger, with a banana (not cooked in as i made some for him) and added a few almonds, maybe a tsp cashew butter, + sliced ginger, a bit of crisp rice cereal and non-fat soymilk :) i wish i had a photo, i've been taking them with my phone since my camera (my little one) is not functioning that well, well its sort of on and off (i use my dads when im at home)...anyway hm i cannot find the usb thing to upload them from my phone. but when i do, i shall post all the lovely (probably awful quality, partially my lack of skillzzz:P) yummy breaky pictures.

anddd...i have no hair left. goddd i haven't had it this short since i was like eleven. i guess its not too short but as it was way below my boob (well boobs i guess :P) before, im suffering like withdrawal. but i was like i might as well just do it. and i was the only one there with my hairdresser a later appointment so we just like talked a lot and decided what to do and tried things out. its at my shoulders which is sort of scary for me :/

this is such a pathetic tale, but i keep finding like bits of my original hair, like on my clothing. even if its washed i just used to shed so much. (that sounds awful). and it would be on all my clothing, just like random long threads of hair. but now i see them and im like ahhhh ;( tear...i used to do that with my cat, if i was away at school i'd find an evey-hair and never want to wash that item again :P thats a bit more legitimate than crying over my own hair. its not like ive always had the longest hair but i feel like its been long for a while. im sort of worried about people's reactions. lots of girls seem to want long hair, and i was determined to grow it the longest i'd even done. and i guess i did but then it just became a nightmare. it might look okay on some people but honestly its so difficult to manage, and often looks not so nice, and it was so long at points (or i thought) that it would be like flying all over the place and i wore it up or in braids or something all the time. and the split ends were crazy. it just doesn't seem clean, like i'll notice its hanging down to my hands when im trying to wash dishes and ugh just, it was not nice. but then i just feel so sad, now looking at people with long hair it just makes me upset ;(

okay clearly im not okay with this. i've written more and more and more about it, i just feel so awful and gross and unhappy. i know physical appearances are not the most importance but confidence is pretty significant. i just feel like i look like an ugly boy. okay its not that short. but like ugly man. i don't like the way i look and i felt like with my hair before, at least i liked something. and that part is gone. and it was a feminine thing and ugh i just feel so ugly. i wish i was pretty. wish i was thinner (that always seems to be the case no matter how low). wish i was smarter, etc. obviously always wishing for something. and i can't be happy with me at all. but honestly i don't think anyone else would be happy being me or looking like me, etc. and there's maybe little to be gained by whining about it. but i just feel like i want people to know that i know i don't look okay. so im not walking around thinking i look good. not the case. but i've always been unhappy with the way i look i think, but not too long ago i sort of felt okay. and now it's gone really.

and this was not meant to be a post about all of this negative stuff. maybe i should just write little posts, like spur of the moment, so i don't gather too many thoughts and try to say too much? i like to be scheduled though and sort of controlled and plan things. so i do that with my blog. it's good and bad i guess. but i feel anxious if i just open and write and post. but maybe i should try that in a bit. i think im going to my cottage for the canada day weekend and i want to take photos, so i hope the next one can be more focused on that. but maybe i'll try to do just small spontaneous posts or something, every now and then? ahhh i don't know. fail fail fail. oh well, it's just a blog i guess :P
no but i do value it much more than that.

i want to try to end this on a nice note. i hope i haven't just scared anyone away, i didn't have many people reading so i might regret this. this is probably the first time i went back and took things away, i normally just write things and then eventually publish without double/triple checking...sooooo...i want to try new ideas for breakfast, although i do like my old favourites. however, what is your absolute favourite creation for breaky, be it a recipe, brand, just mixture of things? i would love to know. and perhaps i can try it out! either way i would really love to hear from you. xoxox


  1. I like your hair! Cutting a lot off is hard to get used to, but you do not look like a boy at all, and definetley not ugly. Jen you are so pretty, this post makes me so sad to think you feel so bad about how you look. I know saying that does not really mean anything, hearing about how other people see me never changes my own opinion. But I wish you knew that you are not ugly! not even close. I would love to look like you :) honestly. I never like how I look either, there are so many things I wish I could fix, like my nose ;P .. and you have a perfect nose and take such great photos from the side, I have a horrible profile and my nose is too round… Anyway, what i am trying to say is that I completley relate to not feeling confident and thinking that being thinner is the soulution. It sounds crazy, but I think that being more confident is what makes people look better, not the other way around. When I am really hating how I look, I try to dress nicley and try to do something with my hair and makeup, basically faking having confidence, and then after doing that I usually feel like I look better than I first thought.

    Happy canada day! I hope you have a wonderful weekend :) My favorite breakfast is oatmeal + banana and useually a mix of fruit or nuts. But I recently tried a recipe for banana bread that was very good, if you are looking for a breakfast recipe you should try it. I think i am going to put it in my next post.

    xxo emily

  2. i'm just a stranger and i've never seen you in real life so this might be meaningless but i think you are so beautiful... more importantly i can tell you're not some fake person, you really do pour your heart out, trying your best to pull yourself out of the difficulties you've had to face despite the pain, the prolonged struggles, etc... i really hope things get better for you. i know they will, as long you never give up on your good qualities (after all, when we all get wrinkly and old that's all that will remain with us, right?) anyway, i hope this wasn't too corny lol but i thought itd help if you could see this from my perspective, a silly stranger who happens to be the same age as you. take care!! :)

  3. ^i saw this in my email as i've been away, and gosh i wish i knew you/it wasn't anonymous but honestly what you wrote was one of the most special note i've received, thank you so much for that, honestly ;( xoxox

  4. emily :) i love you. and you say the sweetest things. but you are gorgeous and from the side is the only way i don't look as hideous. i hate my nose most of the time too :P but you are stunning and lovely and amazing and i will go read your post right now xoxox