Thursday, December 29, 2011

snowy walks, cemeteries & reflections

hey lovelies :):)

i'm sorry that i left my last blurb on such an awful note. i don't apologize for publishing all of that though, i chose to do so. however, i didn't mean to spread the sadness or anything like that. i just wanted to continue being honest, even if that meant risking becoming too open. i wanted to make sure i came by again shortly after to try to salvage myself, lighten the mood, ensure anyone that i hadn't "signed off, "checked out early", however they say it these days...

but today started a bit late actually. not a bad thing though, and i sipped coffee while doing a bit of work/emails/etc (after eating a banana). i usually don't like to have my actual breakfast right away, but the banana is so that i can have some food before coffee, and i was a bit hungry :P i later enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal, themed with additions i don't typically use...

pear-gingersnap-oats :)

mixture of old fashion & quick oats cooked in water with 1/2 pear (shared with my brother...or forced upon him rather) cinnamon and ginger, tbsp golden raisins and natural almonds; topped with crystallized ginger, 3 crumbled organic sasha bread spelt-ginger-snaps + a touch of milk :P

yesterday i really thought about writing a post, not to share anything positive but to ask for help. i wasn't feeling better and felt like the sadness came back in strong waves (i hate saying that, it reminds me of sickness waves which i've had a lot and ugh i cringe to think about that)...also i've been feeling so sick lately. i wasn't sure if it was caused by a few things but i always expect the worse (in my mind, like my worse fears). plus the added anxiety of things that i was doing and focusing on regarding the holidays made it worse. and i hate that, because it used to be my favourite holiday.

anyway, i thought that i should wait a bit, and i decided to write today. i know that this is my blog, however i do feel responsible, at least somewhat, for the mood that i share with others. and i know that when i read a post that is very negative, either i can relate so much and feel less alone, or it simply triggers me so much, and i have to either force myself to read on, or just stop. which i don't like to do either. sometimes it doesn't help to share the gloom, you know? however, i believe that someone can write whatever helps them, and if writing about negative things helps, then i want them to do that. it's just that, well, i wasn't really asking for help or advice, i was simply stating it as it was. and i feel as though i may have hurt some people. i know i have few readers so i'm not trying to make myself out to be some high and mighty thing...but, well i don't want to lose those i do have.

i just came back from a little 'excursion' with my dad. well, he picked me up and we did some photography outside :) we drove to a nearby large city cemetery, it's a park essentially, quite private but i used to run in there a lot. and i never knew anyone buried there, but my uncle sam was actually just laid to rest there last tuesday. it was odd, and today the earth was still sitting quite high above as it takes a long time to settle i guess. he has a nice stone, with his last name. i'm not sure if my cousin plans to be there, or if my aunt wants to be put there as well. there is no inscription, or even his date of birth and death but i guess they will do that later. but today we didn't stay there, we walked around and took photos with a natural light. it's overcast and we've had a recent snow 'storm' which allowed it to accumulate on the ground. it was quite cold but a nice setting and light for taking photographs. i love walking through that cemetery, i find it so beautiful. it's quite old, and there are numerous large trees of all kinds, and such a variety of stones. but there is a paved road for bikes, cars, people. i always feel a bit awful walking on the grass areas where people are buried beneath me.

initially i was spazzing because i was late, and trying to eat my lunch (which included a hard boiled egg, but i had more dishes to clean because of it) and i was freaking out about a few things, not essentially 'normal' for anyone else so obviously there was no excuse for my lateness and i kept apologizing and then just became angry and bitter. i explained that i was sorry for being late (to my dad) but he sort of pushed it further, expressing his concern/exasperation/i don't know, that i would have a lot of trouble working more full-time, doing anything, being normal really if i was late and took so long to do things. he was right but i was already just anxious and not in a good place so it hit me a bit stronger. anyway...i enjoyed myself even though it was a bit chilly, and i focused on just talking with my dad, taking some shots, looking at inscriptions. i was using his camera, but i might show some of those photos in a little while when i'm about to use it again.

i'm sitting here enjoying the smell of maple from a really neat candle that my cousin gave to us all after they had us for Christmas dinner. it smells more like maple candy than syrup, but Canada is known for her maple syrup, and this is a wax-filled can (i guess used once for gathering syrup from a tree) and the wick has real wood in it, so it crackles when it's lit, which sounds like a fire crackling :) the candle uses a few forms of environmentally "friendly" construction i guess with the can, wax, wick...and it's just really cool. and yummy-smelling :P i hope i remember to blow it out. seriously brother lit it the other times, and so i never really focused on that. he kept using my lighter and just announced that it was finished. so im making him (well asking him) to buy me another, as i don't remember using mine much lately yet its done...

well, i think that's enough for now. i hope you have all enjoyed your holidays, and have exciting and relaxing and pleasant plans for the rest of your break (if you have one..) or simply your week. i cannot believe it is nearly another year. i say that all the time but it really scares me! i guess i should just keep going, pretend that it's just life, moving along...wayyy too quickly. i feel so unaccomplished (well, at positive things..) and i'm reminded of this all the time, not just by myself. it's completely true though, i need to 'get my act together' as they i shall go & try to do that :)

xox love jen


  1. It's okay to be honest. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay, because those are REAL needs.

    I think part of healing is the ability to do those things... and making sure that you get the latter in some way, shape, or form.

    being late is okay as well... sometimes things happen. sometimes it takes time for us to be able to get in a rhythm within ourselves.

    During my last job was when my bouts of dissociation happened and it wasn't as strong back then (frequency, duration, etc), but I didn't manage it as well... I'm sure some people would have said the same that your father did (or alluded to)... but through time I've worked things out... you will get there dear. you will. allow yourself the time to find your way to that place.

  2. thank you so much for this :) but the thing is, i don't have time. i can't keep going like this. and no one (and nothing) will wait longer for me to improve. i can't really take my time even if i am improving because i'm expected to be there already, wherever there is. ugh idk its confusing. but this was really helpful. and you're really kind :) xoxox

  3. Awhile back during one of my DBT groups the leader (a LCSW) said that no matter where you are, that's where you're supposed to be at that moment. No matter what anyone - including yourself - tells you... I was sort of perplexed with her as she was saying it... I mean, since I've had an eating disorder for SO long... but she continued on to say that in each moment we do the best we can in that moment. YES the best may not have been the actual best - we might even know that some other decision is better... but in that moment? the decision we made is the best we were able to make.

    I say this because, as she said, the goal is to figure out how to improve the best you're able to do. I think that's a more manageable way of looking at it... maybe you will as well?

  4. yes, and often i make changes to my certain unhealthy patterns/behaviours which are un-noticed by many some of the time. i remind people that i'm close to that they might not always see the change but i promise them that i am trying. and that i think im improving a bit. they are supportive in that they know i'm trying...but the whole "can you handle this without additional help" scares me so i want to show that im moving forward slowly, because that way it's more maintainable in a sense. like the analogy of a fad diet or what not, it's not usually maintainable even though you see results quickly (or it is but its unhealthy). but thank you for this :)

  5. oh my gosh! I had a gingersnap-pear bowl of oats the other day too! I don't recall exactly what was in it, but it included pear, oats, molasses, crystallized ginger, autumnal spices, etc.

    so funny!

  6. :) you do make the most amazing oats so im sure it was lovely xox