Friday, March 2, 2012

im blue ;(

hey lovelies :):)

oh  boy :/

i really want to talk to you but i hate how negative this will become. i will start with something happy, because the first part of my day today was challenging but fun. and it (sort of..) started with breakfast! i woke up at my place, and after having a banana, etc i walked over to my family house to have breakfast as my mom and i were going to go out for a bit of fun ;P

i had oats with banana, cinnamon and ginger, natural raw almonds and topped with a bit of wheat squares, all mixed up. and a little bit of coffee …

we first ventured on the subway (metro? tube?? however you call it where you live) and went to indigo books to have a coffee at starbucks, and i wanted to use a giftcard that i received from work at christmas time. my mom spontaneously bought a kind bar to eat, and she let me buy one too. though i saved mine. it was a cashew something flavour and she said it was really good! she unwrapped it as carefully as she could, and kept saying “want a bite???” but i wanted her to have it, plus i had just have breakfast. i looked for novels on sale, and also bought two cookbooks at a low price, i think i was able to get five books in total and ohhhh i am so excited to try the recipes, along with the two fictional novels. i will try to get a photo and show you them in a bit. they’re photographed cookbooks which is always inspiring. even if the recipes look nothing like the gorgeous photos after my attempts ;P

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ughhhh. okay the following will be triggering, negative, not the best thing to read and i should not be publishing this. but i have to sort things out. my mind is just so jumbled and i have the more conflicting thoughts on a daily basis. and i can't ignore the thoughts, or the urges to do certain things or to want certain things. i know that in order to recover from anything, you need to ignore the negative thoughts and images and focus on what you know is healthy, and the right thing to do. but i have had these thoughts for like...almost eight years? now and then. it's almost a part of me and it seems so wrong to ignore them, even though i know that they are not healthy. because, well healthy is sort of relative to each person. meaning, one person might think one thing, another person will believe in something else. even doctors have their own opinions, and i will constantly be hit with comments, opinions, etc from people that i know, people that i talk to or just listen to.

skdlfkjsd ugh i honestly can't even articulate my thoughts right now. i know im not okay. that is something that i've come to realise. but i am having trouble finding the motivation to get better. i don't even know what "better" means since i cannot remember ever being better. also, im suffering from a lot of things now, anxiety, probably ocd stuff, eating, and it seems like its just a whole host of crap. and my parents have meetings with my doctor too and i honestly feel so disgusted that i make them worry so much, and that they're discussing me separately, and i don't have control over anything. also, i feel so ashamed because i am too fucking old to be this irresponsible and dependent and i was more independent like five years ago. i hate that i put people through pain, and i just wish i could be gone so they wouldn't have to worry. if i gain weight. well okay i'd be heavier, but i'd still be suffering from anxiety, stomach issues, and on top of all of that my body and self-image would be just total hell. i know it would. believe me, i know i don't love how i look now, but i hate it less than before. that will never change unless i just come to accept myself. and i don't see that happening anytime.
i haven't felt as though i should post lately, partially because im so negative. but also because i feel so ashamed of how i am doing at the moment. i never would have imagined that i'd be like this...if you spoke to me say, a few years ago. :/ it's just pathetic.

i just thought of something that i think i want to start doing. before i go to bed, or try to sleep, i think about all the things that i have to do, and it’s very difficult to stop stressing and going over plans, and i feel very stressed out.  but i was feeling pretty unaccomplished a few nights ago and just gathered three or so goals for the next day. and it just made me feel a bit better, and i want to start writing out a few on most nights, and collect them all in a journal. not exactly to-do lists (i have many of those) but even simple things, or larger goals…i won’t share them because that would be embarrassing. but i hope it will help me.

i just finished the novel “the flying troutsmans” by miriam toews and it was so so so good. i love thebes, the eleven year old. i won’t even try to describe it to you as im awful with synopses but you could look it up if you like. she was so carefree and hilarious, and honestly i sort of admire her. she always busted out random lingo and “getto” (is that okay to say that?) sayings. while i was reading about their adventure i found myself reacting to everything that the did, as though they were real people. cringing when they did something that scared me, really admiring them when they did something that i might want to try someday. in general, they had such refreshing outlooks on life, with no concrete plans, they were so spontaneous and it was inspiring to read.

so im going to try harder. recently something happened in my family, well to a family member and the way in which he is handling it is so incredible. i can’t tell you because he doesn’t want us to. but it’s a condition, and although the outlook might be grim, he’s working so fucking hard to try to delay or even reverse any negative effects it might have on his  life. and ours too. and it makes me feel both ashamed (that i can’t take that sort of view and try to fix my own issues) and proud…that he can do that. i want to, i really do, but it’s like i don’t know how. but i also don’t want to sometimes. that sounds awful, but it’s true. everything is so complicated, and i don’t want to change something because i might lose something good, while trying to get better. im not sure if that makes sense. but its the only way that i know how to describe it.

i hope you’re doing well and i understand if you totally skipped this bitch of a post. i might have done the same ;P pleaaaaase keep being amazing and strong, and i will talk to you later love love love xoxoxoxox


  1. hey Jen,
    I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I can relate far too much to you, reading your post helped me to feel less alone though...I know that sounds cliche but when you wrote- "i never would have imagined that i'd be like this...if you spoke to me say, a few years ago." :( that's exactly how i feel...pathetic. :/ Ahh but hopefully things will get better and in a few years we both can look at our lives and think "wow, i'm so happy that i got through that hard time!" hopefully we will be in a wonderful place in our is possible as hard as it is now to see. for me i cant see that much hope right now (sadly) but anything could happen!! you have more strength in you then you know Jen.
    Also writing lists/goals is a great idea, i try to do that as well, but i think keeping the goals short and attainable is best..i stay up at night going over and over in my head with repetitive thoughts of certain things i need to drives me insane! :/ definitely jotting down a little list is helpful :)
    Anyway, i'm always here for you and you can FB message or email me anytime, i'd really love to talk more. i feel like we both are in very similar places right now.

    PS- the cashew blueberry vanilla KIND bar is So delicious(...if that's the flavor you got) :)

    1. oh my gosh, eliza i haven't talked to you in so long! :/ im sorry you're not doing the best at the moment either. i hope we can look back when we're both happy though, i think that will happen ;P i appreciate this so much, and yes that is exactly the bar! ahh im excited to try it, i love kind bars so far (well most..) and there is a pb strawberry one i think its called and it tastes exactly like a peanut butter and jam sandwich :) but i don't think we have the flavour here, i bought it when i was in ny. xoxoxoxox

  2. I’m very sorry that you are feeling so blue Jen. *hugs* I know exactly how you feel about being too old for this, I’m always feeling like I should already have things sorted out and I have been indulging in this too long. It’s frustrating, and please don’t feel ashamed about writing how you are doing, shit happens, things sometimes go downhill and somehow you need to just pick yourself up. On the ‘few years ago’ notion, yeah, a few years ago I would not have expected to have done/thought some of the things I have… but here I am, I’ve gotten better in some areas, worse and others, but I’m here trying to get better... Sorry this is quite the ramble… I try and do the goal thing as well; I tend to do it in the morning, it really helps even though it tends to have these mundane things that should just be natural… but yes. Jen, I really do hope things get better for you. Take care. xxx

    1. aw calla thank you for this :) but i guess what we go through sort of defines us (which can be good or bad) but you're right. i mean a lot of crap happened and i'm not really proud of myself now, but i guess there are some things that i like. or, at least, i can look back and like parts of myself in the past...which means something i think. well i think it's progress anyway, i used to hate everything :/ xox

  3. I actually really understand what you mean when you say you want to get better but you are afraid that, in the process, you will lose something "good" as well. Even if it's wrong, for me something "good" is like a lower weight, or the sense of control and rigidity. I HAVE gained weight, I am at a healthy BMI, etc. And I feel sad that I do not look how I used to look, or that it is harder for me to restrict in general now, etc. Even though it is rationally better that I am now healthier, have the body to support a baby in the future, and so on, I don't really feel that much better. I spend such an inordinate amount of time in my head thinking about what is the best 'diet' to eat, the best weight, whatever. I would probably be so much more productive if I could rid myself of these compulsive thoughts.

    1. yes, it's so stupid, i mean to anyone else (even to me, i can look at this from a distance sometimes) it seems like such a selfish obsession, why would we want to be sick, why would we want people to worry about us, to be dependent, but i guess these things sort of represent the illness, and any "good" things that we get from it. its an unhealthy obsession i guess. i just know that a while ago i would have given a lot to be where i am now weight-wise. sounds so awful. but if i just put myself forward and try to gain then ill regret it when i go out of control. i just feel like i can't do anythign properly, and i don't have control. but it's about much more than weight...and i know im dealing with other issues and anxiety. ugh. thank you for this, i just wrote such a long message :( but i appreciate it, and it makes me feel a bit better knowing that someone else feels similarly. though i hate that anyone else would feel like this, as it's not nice at all. xox

  4. jen :( I hate to hear how sad and conflicted you are :( but I can definitely relate to so much of what you said..I struggle with feeling too old to feel the way I do and I'm not at all where I thought I would be right now either. I sometimes look back at old pictures from high school or before and just feel really pathetic/guilty like i've somehow let the girl I was then I've ruined her dreams or screwed up her life in some way. But at the same time I'll have the thought that if I could have begun it all right then I would have...cause it saved me and "helps" me in so many ways too :/ ugh such a struggle. then I just feel horrible that my brain works this way in the first place. but we are both strong people and things can surely get better...sending positive vibes your way..:) xoxo