Friday, April 20, 2012

awake and dreaming

hi there :) how is everyone doing??

okay ;( ..so! have been going back and forth in my mind, trying to decide if i should write. initially, i didn't miss it or feel the need to do this, there was no 'absence'...but today it sort of came back. and i wanted to write. i haven't been doing that well, and i have not been very positive. i've actually been extremely pessimistic and negative toward a lot of things, and i hate sharing that sort of mood. i said that i would wait until something good happened, but---lets be real---that could take a while. i hope this update is good enough, even though i sort of broke my promise.

anyway, i sort of have nothing to say. i thought i did, but when i actually began to write...i have nothing :/ i'm not really sure how much i should be sharing, or how much i want to share...i just feel worried that someone might ask why i'm doing this, like what is my point. because writing down what im doing or how im doing, what im not doing...is sort of asking for some sort of attention, either advice or something else, and im not really doing that. so i guess i feel like i would just be asking for some sort of comment, and i always get really anxious, wondering what people will say or assume or think. does that make any sense at all?

i guess i'd rather just ignore the shit that's going on...well, i can't do that. but, on here at least, i can just sort of mosy on past, beat around the bush, you know? ;P i sound like the biggest tard right now. i just don't know what to do! and im not sure why i write here, so if anyone has some sort of reason for me...that would be good.

(easter) mini eggs & earl grey tea ;) with a splash of cinnamon and milk.

but i love this wrapper so much that, well i took a few photos with it, and it's now one of my bookmarks. it worse well as a bookmark though, and its cute. i know someone told me that the fact that i collect wrappers is weird. i don't collect them really, i just like the look of pretty ones like this, and larabars. and i often start using them as bookmarks. whatever...some people just fold corners all the time. actually i do that :O i try not to. especially in new books. my mom freaks out when i do it to her recipe books, so i don't do that anymore.

... i just feel really ashamed, and lately i just feel embarrassed, at myself i guess. or with myself, sorry. when im out, i just feel like people are staring, pitying me. and i don't know why, sometimes i just see myself and other times i just think that i look ridiculous. partly because im not that young, i just feel so ashamed and ridiculous that i'm not doing well at all...i look like a kid sometimes and this is a time when i need to be strong and intelligent and successful, or at least moving in that direction. but it's the opposite. i know that i need to change, i know that i cannot continue this way, i am making changes actually! but the thing is, it's so hard. and i don't know how i let it get this way. i mean, literally, small things are challenging. i look back a few years and wonder how i did certain things then, things that i can't do now, or that cause me huge amounts of extreme anxiety and panic and sickness. that that thought, or that idea/notion (that what im supposed to be doing seems impossible and really scary) probably freaks me out the most. but i cannot let my family suffer more emotionally because of me. and they can't support me anymore, i need to be independent, but i don't think i can do it. there...i said it and yea i know that's pathetic but its the truth.

im not quite sure if i do actually look that awful...i know that often your family makes it seem like things are really bad, but its a bit of an extreme thing. i know that my view of myself is probably different, not because i see something different but i have my own, like 'ideal'...i can't even describe it. but we see ourselves as the same person that others see, but since we have our own idea of what we want to be, or how we would like to look, or...something like that. ugh this is pissing me off so much, i can't even write anymore :( i think i've become less intelligent (not that i was intelligent before). okay, i'll simplify it even more. if i want to look like this, or that, or weight this...and it's obviously not what my mom would like me to be (just an example)...then i won't have the same reaction as she would when i lose a bit. i guess i just don't quite know what i look like anymore, and i don't know if im ever going to be okay with that. and, as much as i know that it's not really important, is is though. i mean confidence is key, really, you can't walk around, trying to work and succeed while hating yourself. it shows on the outside. part of the reason why i ever developed this issue in the first place was because i literally hated parts of myself, physically self, body, legs, blah, whatever. there could have been other reasons, but i know that a huge part of it was because i wanted to change. and that has not changed. i always want to be feeling or looking or doing something that i'm not.

my drugged up kitty :) she's quite lovely though, and has been staying with us (my brother and me) when my parents have been away, or when work is being done on their home, and soon when they go away for a few weeks. my brother is slightly displeased, as his duty is to take care of her litter box.

well, im sorry this this was a negative 'update'. i hate using that term, because it makes it seem as though i think people want to know what im doing. don't worry, i don't! when i started blogging i knew that i'd never become that known or that i wouldn't have many readers. that idea kind of scares me actually, though its nice to meet new people and receive (kind!) comments. so that's obviously not why i have continued, otherwise i would have just given up i think. but, at the same time, it's not really helping me that much right now. i guess i like to sort out my thoughts, and writing them down here (or anywhere really) to attempt to free up some space in my wild, and crazy/messed up mind, is often helpful. but, at the moment, i hate being so negative. and what i hate even more, i think...is sharing that negativity, spreading it, spreading the gloom. because it's not fair.

i guess that's all really ;P its almost may...spring. im not sure whether im happy or not, the weather is a bit bipolar, one day it's ten degrees then mid twenties the next? (celcius) i usually dread the summer, because its just so hot. but i hope that this time around it's not too bad. i hope that you're having a good day, take care & lots of love xoxox

14 comments:

  1. Hey, I recently found your blog and have really enjoyed reading. It's also nice to see a fellow Canadian (yeah, what IS with the weather lately?). You don't need to apologize so much for what you're feeling! :)
    I can really relate to your feeling of not being able to do what you're "supposed" to be doing. I'm in a really similar place right now: just graduated university and now have to find a job...and I'm afraid and feel unqualified and incapable. Consumed with anxiety. And I do understand what you're saying about having your own personal ideals that may not mesh with what other people are seeing or idealize.
    Keep writing! :)

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    1. hi vanessa :) yesss canada is amazing ;P xox

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  2. hey :) just wanted to say that I tried my first bumble bar yesterday, the chai almond flavor. I agree, the wrappers are very cute..and the bar was tasty as well! I hope you keep pushing forward lovely, I know how hard it is but you have such amazing dreams for yourself and I believe you will make them happen...lots of love, emma

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    1. emma! ive only tried that one bar, i bought it a while ago and didn't even think they sold them here but it was at whole foods. it was so much different than what i thought though! i was reading the ingredients wondering how on earth the thing would stay together, like i don't even think there is dried fruit. but its all sesame seeds ;P the flavour was nice though. thank you so much, you're honestly one of the sweetest people & i hope you're doing well xox

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  3. *hugs* Jen. I’m sorry things are so rough still, I know how you feel and I wish I had something more to offer other than just camaraderie. Take care of your lovely self Jen!
    Your pictures are lovely!

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    1. calla :) thank you love, & i hope you're doing well, with the job and everything xox

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  4. i think you are so hard on yourself. its ok writing down what you think, its not negative its just where you are right now. many of your entries remind me of myself a number of years ago. i would write a diary, most days i would write, i must be more positive. dont apologize for being yourself. you dont have to have an excuse to write, just put down whatever is bothering you. be kind to yourself. em x

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    1. i understand that, but i just hate being like this and then sharing it. it usually doesn't help me and i feel like im just bringing other people down. thank you though :)

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  5. I've used bar wrappers as bookmarks before. It's economical. :P

    I think I do know what you mean when you say you have an "ideal" of how you should look, and when you lose some weight, you think being closer to that ideal is a positive thing. But to other people, like your mom, her ideal is a higher, healthier weight for you, and so she interprets your weight loss differently. Almost daily I think I look relatively horrid, especially weight-wise now that I am a healthy weight again, because my "ideal" (right or wrong) is underweight. But I must constantly remind myself that everyone else thinks I look better and perfectly normal, maybe even a little slimmer than average to some. It's all perception.

    I like reading your blog I guess because I can relate, and I think, "hey I am not alone; maybe there is hope for us." Or maybe because I am nosy and like hearing about your life, even the hard parts. It's like reading your favorite books, and your favorite characters are suffering, so you're clinging to the pages in fear, rooting and cheering for them to pull through. You are a favorite character in a favorite book, see?

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    1. aw that is seriously the best comment i've received, you are so amazing :) and i do like reading into other people's lives i guess, i just automatically seem so connected and love how i can talk to people, regardless of where they live. even though we might not have anything else in common but the issues. that's normally not the case though! xox

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  6. Hi Jen. I agree with the above comments, especially Mitri's. Personal views on wt and growth and life goals can vary from person to person, especially when considered against those from your parents/friends/close circle of people. I agree with both you and Mitri, my goal wt and to be comfortable is under what is 'ideal' but my parents/friends/BF goal for me is much higher. So this situation can be difficult and often filled with compromises that either make you hate yourself or make your loved ones dislike you. I'm most certainly in that boat atm.
    As for your intelligence, STOP IT RIGHT THERE ! You are way smart and are way capable of accomplishing your goals at your pace not when you feel like you should have checked them off because of a certain age. I agree that it's hard to find the correct way/timeframe to complete things such as (graduate uni, find job all with ages like 21, 23, etc, etc) but real life is just that- real. For some ppl it works that way and that's fine. For others, it doesn't. Like me, I'm a few yrs older than you and am currently going for a second Bachelors for a new career. And honestly, who knows if that'll work. Boo- So ...I guess, I support you and your pace and your goals. We try to rush to pt A to pt B but sometimes the right place to be is where you are right now figuring things out.

    I know that you're struggling with your wt and your anxiety. So many of us are but you are taking + measures: such as going to a counselor and you said so yourself that you're trying very hard to find a balance in your intake. So small steps- because they all count. Ok- well my comment has turned into a novel. i'll stop and contact you later! Love - T

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    1. heyyy ;) thank you for this. i wish it was okay, but its mainly that my parents can't keep supporting me, and they need me to speed up. i went downhill, a lot, from where i was at a few years ago. and they were not expecting this (i wasn't either). so its mainly a matter of, like, i need to do this now. i need to be able to work, support myself at least a little bit, etc.

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  7. Aw, so sorry you havent been feeling well! I hope things get better for you.. keep your head up! <3

    I've never had a Bumble Bar before but it sounds yummy! :)

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    1. thank you, shannon :) you're really sweet. i hope you are doing well! the bars are really different, but really filled with seeds, i had it at different times sort of so not a real snack. i might try another but i can only find them at whole foods here, and...well i shouldn't be spending money and going in that store is not the best idea at the moment ;P xox

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