Tuesday, May 22, 2012

difficult to see

hi there loves :) i hope you’re enjoying may, it’s been pretty crazy weather-wise. disgustingly warm one day, and then a bit cooler now which i prefer. but im still not ready for summer and hot weather. not at all. i feel like we missed spring, or it went from cold to hot too quickly. actually, winter was pretty mild here! we hardly got any snow as well.

this morning’s breakfast was “banana hazelnut oats”; i just like making names for it, but it was old fashion oatmeal & oatbran cooked with banana, cinnamon, ginger, raw almonds and hazelnuts and topped with crystallized ginger, a few tbsp brown rice krispies and some skim milk poured on top! and coffee beforehand, but peppermint tea with breakfast.

brown rice krispies!

i’ve been having the most conflicting thoughts lately. i guess i always sort of experience that, and maybe i shouldn’t be writing this all down. but i feel like i have to, its inside my head and i want to sort it out. and i don’t think i’ve be honest about things, well i mean i don’t think ive been very open about actual weight stuff…so this might be a first. this is really long by the way, but i’m sure you can tell by the massive paragraphs below.

i don’t want to say “triggering stuff ahead”  because i mean, it’s a blog and its about eating issues, anxiety, depression. i feel like it’s obviously going to be ‘triggering’ if people are triggered by posts about weight and food and anything eating-related. but i guess, if you don’t want to see that, and i understand. just don’t read it. because i feel like no one understand this (in my life, i mean i know a lot of you do, and i’m sorry if these words up ahead irritate, hurt, insult you in any way. i hate assumptions and i’m also sorry if i make any, i’m not trying to sound like i know everything. believe me i never think of myself as someone who knows a lot…well a lot of negative things maybe). and i’m not sure if i’m just weird, and am never going to be okay with how i look, because every time i read about someone’s recovery or journey or, ugh idk how they feel about changing, it’s never quite like what i am experiencing. i know you’re probably thinking ‘duh of course its not, everyone is different’. but i’m serious. i feel like i’m the only person that truly does not want to go back to what i was before, to what i used to be. and this is totally superficial, physical, vain perhaps. people say that eds are, “ugh, oh my god no one understands, it’s not about weight!!!” …but honestly, that’s exactly what it’s about for me. i really don’t want to be as high (weight) as i was before. i hate to say, “heavy”, because, okay i don’t think i was really heavy. but i didn’t like it. i don’t like it. but i know i have no choice, because often my body just gains randomly or maybe i’ll just start gaining for no reason, i have a horrible relationship with food at times and i have had so in the past. i’ve gained and felt awful. i’ve never consciously gained though, as in…i am trying to gain weight sort-of-thing. it happened when i didn’t want it to and i felt so out of control. but people often seem to say, i want to just go back to what i was before, i looked fine, i liked myself, and it’s their mind that changed, their thoughts and they want to return to someone who didn’t think about food like this. or weight, control, etc. but they looked fine before, and i keep seeing photos of people and i don’t understand how they could ever not like themselves because they truly looked absolutely gorgeous and amazing and, just someone that i would really love to be around. but that’s not me. i didn’t like myself, physically or, anything really. and i don’t want to go back to hating myself. i don’t love how i look now, i’m not saying that…but i dislike it less, and i don’t feel as big, and i can’t get past the idea that i will have to go back to that, and maybe even more. because it makes me so anxious and sick and disgusted and im sorry if that sounds awful but confidence, for me, sure its about the inside but it is also so much about how i look and how i like myself. and, trust me, if i hate how i look and hate myself, i won’t be happy. and i just don’t understand why i can’t look fine and be fine and just, ugh be pretty or thin or whatever, and be happy. idk this is all a big fat mess i know.

im also just so superstitious about everything, and i was talking with my parents about this. and how people have set weights/targets…its odd because the only target i’ve had in my mind is obviously losing not gaining. i hate how stereotypical or pro-ana i sound right now. i promise that i’m not, but i might as well be honest because i spend most of my time trying to be something that i’m not. anyway! :/ i totally understand if you’ve pressed the x at this point. but i was having these awful thoughts about certain numbers and knowing how much worse i’d feel, physically and mentally (the thing is my stomach symptoms, anxiety, fears and what not were still very much present when i was at a higher weight, making it even harder to see this in a positive light)…and then i realised that i was being stupid, and that my body will probably just do what it wants to do and gain, or keep having symptoms, etc because i just feel out of control (or not in control) anyway, and here was thinking i’d be able to maintain on what i wanted or go lower when really, like i have in the past, i might just end up gaining without meaning to and…idk i guess keep going and going and going? i know that’s a fear for a lot of people, and i read that in so many places, yet it’s not irrational if it really happens…and i can’t get over that. i realise how superficial this all sounds, but to me it is important. i feel like i really am not in control of my body and it does what it wants to. and its usually something that i don’t like or something that’s harmful, etc. and i don’t mean losing. does any of this make sense. probably not. i feel like im just going on about random stuff, and i have no idea what you think…most of you probably think im crazy or something. i always get scared that if i say something like, oh i don’t want to gain, or i don’t agree with that number, blahhh…then as payback my body will be like, you know what jen? deal with it. here’s a bunch of weight here, and i’ll just make you binge, or make you throw up, have awful intestinal and stomach issues, become more depressed, etc etc etc. those are just some of the things that i really seriously fear, i realise that a lot of it seems odd to you, but i’ve explained a lot of my fears and anxiety before and…well i know a lot of it seems weird. so i hesitate to say more. i just also really focus so much on what others think of me, both my appearance but also my personality, intelligence…and i really worry that i’ve blown it and made myself look ever worse. even though, i realise that i don’t know any of you (well apart from a couple!!!) in real life. and you are all really kind…yet i know that people have different sides, and i’ve probably been nice on one hand, and a bit insincere at other times….i mean we’re just human. so i feel like people aren’t always so honest. that, or someone keeps asking me random intrusive questions on formspring that are making me slightly paranoid. but yes i bring that upon myself, idk why i keep it. well i guess because sometimes people asking funny things or say something nice…i realise that’s so silly…to keep something like that hoping someone will ask or say something nice. its like i’m seeking approval, in some sick way.

vintage emma & teen vogue

ughhh. im sorry that this has become so long. and i hate how im always apologizing, i realise that it loses it’s meaning when i throw it around like this. but i think i’ve always meant it when i say sorry. i really wanted to make a more positive post, and then i also wanted to write about this…yet i never thought that it would take up so much space. im not sure if i can salvage this…but i will try‘

all things mini!

i only have a few of these left as i bought them on iherb at the end of last year, and they don’t sell minis (of anything, really) here, which is sad :( i wish they had all of them in minis, like the peppermint and cinnamon raisin, etc though we don’t even get the raisin one here. i hope they bring it over soon!

i started this post last night, so it actually is pretty muggy out, and feels and smells humid. they are calling for cooler weather, but i’m not sure if that’s going to happen. oh, well. what-chu-gonna-do? …aha did anyone watch america’s got talent last night? i just caught the end part, and that man was too funny. he was so freaking gaunt though :o we have canada’s got talent, but they just finished the first season i think. i didn’t watch it though, really. i don’t watch much reality shows though martin short was judging and he’s too cute. but howie mandel, i know he lives in the states but i wish he was judging canada’s version because…well, he’s canadian.

i think that’s all, i don’t want to fall into the same trap that i did in the first section of this post, so i’ll go now ;P hope all is well, lots of love



  1. I was never as low weight as you are, but in all honesty... I, too, liked the way I look better then. Yeah, lots of people made inappropriate comments about how I'd look "so much better if [I] gained weight," but *I* liked the way I looked. My amenorrhea was what drove me to gain back the weight, for fear of never having a child, but I hated the process and I dislike how I look now compared to before. I feel very "heavy," very aware of my body compared to when I was at my lower weight. So, I guess I'm saying I understand what it's like to look at others who are recovering their weight and look really pretty, but I do not feel the same way about myself at that weight.

    I don't know if it's because I'm mental, because I prefer a different aesthetic, or what.

    I do think that some of the people you might be viewing as perfectly happy with their weight gain are veiling some of their true feelings about bad body image. Positivity breeds positivity, so if you are more positive about yourself, you start to believe it and come to accept what you cannot or should not try to change. That's the whole "positive visualization" idea. Envision yourself being what you want, and you will feel more motivated to become it.

    I think we all have different paths to personal well-being. Yours will not look like mine, nor anyone else's. In time you must learn to accept who you are, or else it will be a very long struggle. :/ If you ever want to talk about it privately, I would be more than happy to listen.

    1. ah, i can't even explain. i love your message, i never expected comments on this and i was worried to post it. i realise what you're saying, but i mean these are people who share a lot on their blog, so they're honest. and i look at what they were before, and honestly they were so beautiful before. and i am not so that's what i hate i guess. its not like oh i was normal, totally fine with my body and then bam* this thing comes and makes me miserable. i did this to myself because i wanted to change. and i have been at higher weights (after losing i mean so not pre-ed) and it made things even worse. im not sure what it means though :/ but i really appreciate this and i am so, so so glad that you realised what you were missing or losing, and chose to change partly because you knew that things could be damaged forever. i think i hate that sometimes these things aren't 'enough' and then i feel like im so selfish. i just feel like, okay. i understand that physically, at a higher or 'healthier' weight you are less prone to serious damage, and you can live longer, have babies, etc. but if the problem is emotional or psychological, and you're not healthy in the mind...then i feel like taht's just as worse. im not srue if i'd be a good mother, i know i want kids but i know i don't want them unless im healthier in my head/mind because it's not fair to raise them like this i guess. wow i just went on a rampage, embarrassing :( but thank you xoxox

    2. "and i look at what they were before, and honestly they were so beautiful before. and i am not so that's what i hate i guess. its not like oh i was normal, totally fine with my body and then bam* this thing comes and makes me miserable."

      i think if that was truly the case, they wouldn't have ended up developing eating disorders. they were probably very unhappy with themselves too, sadly. the thing is that while yes,it is about weight i think that you have been sick for so long that maybe you are anxious about change? also you were a different person back then-you can't compare yourself to who you were years ago, you know? also, please don't apologize. you are sharing your feelings and your honesty is appreciated.

    3. no, i totally understand. but looking back does help sometimes, when i try to see it in a positive way and find how i dealt with things in a certain way (+ often better) but looking back too much can be a bad thing. thank you :)

  2. Jen <3 first of all, stop apologizing! you're not doing a single thing to anyone that deserves an apology. I know sometimes it is just a habit, I tend to apologize way more than necessary too. I wish you just knew that you are not hurting or triggering anyone with your posts. Especially since you're not being specific or talking about other people.

    Also i can completely relate to how you feel about weight gain. I can understand from a psychological perspective how "its not about the food/weight" its really about how food and weight effects you & all that ... but for me it really is about the weight. I just feel better when I weigh less even though I know its 'unhealthy' . but being at a 'normal' weight and being depressed isn't exactly better. Its a catch-22. It makes me so nervous when psychologists/doctors/nutritionists have told me that "oh, its going to be fine! you can eat this this and this and nothing bad will happen." but I feel exactly the same as you do about all the things that could happen if you let go of habits and eating routines. It is NOt irrational to think you will loose control and gain weight if you let go of your eating habits. I know from experience (unfortunately) for 7 years I have had to rigidly control what I eat in order to feel safe, then the periods of time when I wanted to try "eating normally" it eventually turned into .. well, bulimia essentially. for me, I feel like theres no middle ground. But there has to be, right? most people's eating habits are in the middle area. We'll get there eventually <3 Sorry this comment doesn't have any good advice :/ I wish I could help you feel better about the situation but I can't figure out what to do for myself. I just want you to know you're not alone. xxoo

    1. emily, first...i love you. and i miss you, i hope you're doing well and feeling better than before, i know its not so simple though. this meant the world to me, so thank you so much :) and i know, i mean i read your words sometimes and feel like, wow that is me. absolutely. sort of scary, and i hate that you have felt like this as well, and that you've been with it for so long. yet i know that it will get better though. xox

  3. Jen, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now! I want you to know that you're not alone in how you feel, I think that I feel it too. The sense that you feel better about yourself at a low weight and that this is all truly and directly related to where your body is at physically, not emotionally. The truth is that, even though I have gained weight, I still long for the sick looking body. I am uncomfortable in this bigger skin I live in now. And I am SO uncomfortable knowing that I have more weight to gain still!
    I think the only thing that keeps me going with this is noticing the other things that weight gain brings with it that enhance my life. Yes, when I'm at my lowest I feel better about my body but I have no social life, no energy, no desire to live, no sense of enjoyment, no ability to connect to other people. I go through my day like a zombie. Exhausted and hungry and fatigued and SICK. When my body is more nourished I am able to engage with life more, even though there is that piece of me that just sits there dwelling on how much I hate being bigger. I think we just have to decide whether the benefits of this outweigh the negative body feelings.
    Sometimes they don't, I know for me there are times when they definitely don't and that is when I turn back to behaviors. But there are times that they do. And there are times that I am amazed at how much joy there is in life that I was missing out on before. How much hope and beauty and love there is out there that anorexia has stopped me from engaging all of these years.
    I wish I had more solid advice for you -- I don't really, because I feel the same way often. I think you have to make peace with this yourself and work through it in the way that is right for you. No one can tell you that things will be okay and that your body won't go out of control, you have to try things out and experience them yourself to believe it. I encourage you to try though. What is the worst that can come from trying? Test it out and see. I want you to experience all that life has to offer you and I want you to see how beautiful you are. You deserve that! I'm here for you always <3

    1. aw sarah :) thank you for this, i keep missing your posts but i am glad that i checked today! i hope you're doing okay xox

  4. Jen- I agree with Emily, you're not doing anything to anyone, so no need to apologize. Being apologetic can be a defense mechanism. I definitely say 'sorry', 'I'm sorry', 'excuse me', etc more than I should. Ugh, and it's like whhhhyyyy are we sorry? Ugh...

    As for the weight gain/loss dilemma; it's complicated. Yes, every single person that has an ED will struggle with it in a different way, both physically and psychologically and socially, but at the core I think the majority of ppl with EDs strive for thinness. I honestly, have never seen a person say that their goal was to be the biggest. Yes, even if at times, we all feel like jumbo whales, (ugh- this is rambling) that isn't the goal/reality. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do think in a big way it is about the wt. Like, everyone, me included, wants to think that it's not always about the wt, it's about the psychologically issues, emotions, growing individually, body acceptance and it is, but at a basic level, it does have to do with the wt. Ugh.

    You have a lot of stomach/GI issues that you mention and you posted that either way, wt below 'normal' or in the 'normal' range you feel like you're going to continue to struggle with these GI issues. That can very well be true and may impede recovery for anyone. But like I know for me, either way, (up or down in wt) my stomach is shit. My GI system is shit, I have to cut out times so that I feel ok with the evacuation, ahem. In a way knowing that either in recovery/relapse my GI is just garbage doesn't really send me shoveling food into my mouth.

    The fear of body rebellion, and your body turning against you and B/P, or just putting on too much wt can be detrimental to recovery. I think that way all.of.the.time. I mean, you know I've kind of relapsed, but I don't want to talk about that here....anyway. Your fears aren't unfounded and I think a lot of ppl with EDs struggle with that. I either restrict, exercise loads, and lose and lose and I think I'm happy. I think I'm finally making sense and then BAM I eat 4 fucking cookies or whatever it may, like even oats can sometimes not be 'safe' and then it's over. Like I'm trying to recover from that loss of control for days....

    Is there a happy medium? idk, I honestly have no clue. I mean in the USA, so many many ppl are overwt/obese and the number of ppl in the 'healthy range' seems to be diminishing, so is there really a happy medium? I can't say that and I can't say that I honestly see it in this society. Ugh... ok.

    Thank you for your honesty in this post. Email me, if you want to talk more about all of this. I really appreciate that you wrote this post. I thin a lot of ppl will be able to relate to this. MUAH xoxo -T

  5. i understand what it feels like to gain the weight back because you're supposed to, but then feel so uncomfortable with the weight back on that you feel like you're crawling out of your skin. there's no denying that you (this 'you' in the general sense, i mean) felt 'better' when you weren't this 'big', and you miss being thinner. it's a fact, as sick as it sounds.

    i'm in the position now where i'm back at a healthy weight and i hate myself no less, maybe even more, than when i was at a lower weight. and yes, i do myself actively seeking out stories and examples of people at healthy weight/recovered, just to reassure myself that i'm not actually a whale at a healthy weight. the thing is, it's kind of pointless, because if you really think about it rationally (emphasis on rational), you know deep down that you won't be obese at a healthy weight. that to be obese at a healthy weight is in itself a contradiction and therefore impossible.

    your fears are very real, and i share those exact same fears. i live them, even. there's no need to apologize for stating something that everybody secretly fears too. screw whoever says that this is triggering, or nonsense, or self-centered, or whiny.

    1. hi rachel :) thank you so much for this. i just never know when someone will get pissed because it seems like so many people with eds are so sensitive, which pisses me off a bit. i know i am sensitive but im not going to get angry with every bit of 'triggering' material, because its obviously my fault for letting it get to me, not the persons (well, usually...) and we can't just walk around in a perfect world with everyone else being so careful, because not every person knows about your past, and i don't think they should have to censor everything...otherwise it just makes us more sheltered in the end. im not making any sense :/ but i really appreciate your comment xox

  6. i can relate a lot to this. And what you are feeling is not wrong or crazy because it's what you FEEL and that is okay ; ) i had a REALLY hard time gaining the weight back because though, I DID know I wanted to look more healthy and I am learning to embrace my new curves... I didn't want to gain alllll of the weight back. I still struggle with body image but I have noticed that the more I have been at this weight (the weight my body naturally wants to be at) I have slowly started to get more comfortable with it. But it's been a process. I didn't think that I would EVER feel okay being at this weight, and I fought it because I was so scared but it turned out okay and I try to focus on toning up and staying healthy. but I know it's hard and I understand how you feel. But I know it can get easier... the hard thing is to trust that and give yourself the time to grow into yourself and embrace the healthy you.

    1. yea...see im scared about whether its going to be 'all' or 'more'...like even now im think just like x more maybe xx but then i hear that if i were in ip they said (whether its ip or the ip and transition to iop/op? ah too confusing) they strive for at least a set bmi and it only goes upward from there. but my initial weight was never at that bmi...and even part of the weight. ugh i just don't know, im very anxious now about this because its all happening, like before it was possibly something, and i would think about it and what i would like to do or how i would like to be/look. anyway, thank you love i appreciate this xox