Monday, May 14, 2012

my dark cloud


hey there ;P …

happy monday loves :) spring is definitely moving along! its a bit scary, actually. time is going too quickly ;( soon i’ll be another year older, i am not even going to tell you the number. but it makes me sad.

i don’t know where to go with this, so i’ll change topics. ive been trying to do things each day, stuff that makes me anxious. which isn’t a huge feat because everything makes me anxious. but whatever, see its just that i’ve realised that in order to become less anxious and panicky and stressed, i have to do more things. but i know i’'ll experience the awful physical and mental/emotional symptoms while doing this, so that is what’s really making me feel hopeless. because i already feel like shit most of the time, so why would i want to purposely make myself feel, additionally (?) you have some sort of experience with this? do you just like suck it up? or is it easier each time? its making life a lot worse i think. but i also try to calm myself, or read, watch a film. if that helps. sometimes it does, and other times it doesn’t.

DSC_0106this is just my favourite show in the universe…erky perky. if you have anything to say about it be nice or i’ll probably cry, it’s an australian-canadian co production i believe. oh gosh. ytv kids at 10:10 in the morning, after little bear. yea. i know. i don’t care. i don’t, even. that’s mad margaret and cecil, by the way…

the title of this post is actually from a book i’m reading (or re-reading for the billionth time, since i was ten i think) but i just did a quick search, and someone had asked “can someone please remove this dark cloud over my head” on yahoo, and the first response made me smile. so much ;) sorry if you wrote this btw. i didn’t cite it…

I think I can help. I have a white crayon in my pocket and maybe a sky blue somewhere. I'm going to chase your dark cloud away and send you a big bag of sunshine instead. A bright star is also on the way!

aw how cute is that?!?

for some reason i really want to read goosebumps…but i think we got rid of our numerous copies, which kills me. i used to read them for fun, then regret it afterward when  i’d be scared out of my mind. the same thing is true with the television episodes. i know some people don’t think they’re scary, but they’ve always really creeped me out. i used to just read one book at once, over an hour or so. odd and perhaps a bit tmi but i remember taking one with me to the bathroom and reading the entire thing in like 50 min, but i stayed in there and had like an indent on my bum ;P is that really gross? sorry :( but it was a good book.

hm, anyway, i guess its just that returning-to-childhood memory stuff.

there is a program titled ‘the passionate eye’, which airs (usually) each sunday, and this past week the episode was about a tsunami ‘caught on video’; this referred to the 2004 earthquake and tsunami which hit indonesia and thailand, killing 230,000 people.

i can’t explain it, but it was so shocking. often we watch videos, and it’s not real. it can be horrifying, but at least we can reassure ourselves, jen, that person is not dead, it’s not real. this film was captured in real time, so you would see people trying to hold onto their loved ones while the water just rushed by. and then, they would just break off and be lost underneath. the film also showed interviews of those who had survived.

many of them were so emotional when they re-told the stories of  how they were swept away into the ocean, broken. days after, families were still searching for their children or parents, or spouses. and they would come across photos of dead bodies. oh my god, it was awful. a man was talking about how he lost his two kids when the first waves hit, but days afterward found his son’s name attached to a hospital. but he couldn’t find his daughter. his son asked whether she’d been discovered and, when his dad said ‘no..’ he replied…'then we won’t find her, dad’. i guess he had been with her when they separated, and he knew that if she had not yet been found, then she’d be dead. i can’t stop thinking about it, and hearing the voices or watching these people talk about what happened to them. i guess i often think that these things don’t really happen. you don’t realise how real its is unless you witness it yourself. it seems like something out of a film. but it happened to them and it could happen to anyone. i’m not sure how to explain it, but it just really scared me. i just keep thinking, what if that happened to someone in my family? i don’t really think about myself, or if i were in that position. honestly, i think i’d die if a family member, parent, etc died, that sounds ridiculous, but i just feel sick thinking about it. i honestly don’t think i’d be able to cope.

anyway, wow i’m pretty positive today :/


i seem to post the moist unattractive photos of myself. but theres not point in pretending its anything different ;P best to just be honest. my parents are back soon, which means that this little thang will be leaving. i say little, but i totally made a mistake a few days ago. she is supposed to get like 5 treats (greenies i think they’re called) each day, and i had emptied one bag on a shelf high up, so that i could just let her have a few at a time. and i didn’t know she could get up there, but the pile kept diminishing, yet i was just like…hmph..that’s odd. and moved along. but she had been jumping up there and eating a bunch, probably like thirty in a couple of days and i freaked out (at her and in my head) worried that she’d be sick, or get really big. my parents were like, don’t let her have that many jen, she can only have five max. she hasn’t been given any for a few days though, and i think it will be okay. but she out-smarted me. i also feel as though i messed up on that one duty. its like i have no sense of responsibility and tend to fuck things up all the time. with my own life, and now with hers. i mean she’s just an innocent cat, and just believes in her owners and thinks that everything is okay.

i think that’s about it :p hope that all is well with everyone, i’d love to hear more about how you’re all doing. much love xoxox


  1. I got really emotional when I watched a video of the recent Japanese tsunami.

    It reminds me of a dream I had a few months ago. In the dream my family was taking a road trip, and I was all happy to go. As we drove on, however, I noticed the sky becoming darker, everything becoming stranger, and we arrived at a door. On the other side of the door was a cliff edging over a dark, restless ocean. Suddenly it dawned on me that it was my dad's "time" to leave us--to die. He slowly walked to the edge of the cliff, smiled at us, and fell into the water. I was so devastated that I honestly didn't feel I had a reason to live anymore and thought about following him off the cliff into the waters. One of my brothers and my mother was with me, though, and they talked me out of it (all in the dream).

    When I woke up, I just felt so... afraid. Not only because of my dad dying, but because I was so willing to die early if he did.

    You're not alone in these thoughts and fears and attachments, I suppose. It is hard to think of losing what we love so dearly.

    1. oh mitri that dream sounds awful, ive had so many odd ones lately, surrounding accidents and natural disasters, like re-visiting the same place in this random wood area, its really odd. im not sure if its telling me something...? xox

  2. i think it's really great that you are challenging your anxiety like that. those small steps will help you soooo much the more you are able to do them. i know it's hard and uncomfortable but like you said, the only way to help ease the anxiety and the feelings behind it is to do things everyday that challenge it. proud of you ; )

    1. im not challenging it much, but im anxious and sick and just ugh all the time :( thank you though xoxox

  3. Ah hun i get that fear of the number thing... its like time just keeps flying by and im suck where i am (or where i felt i WAS before i got sick) its scary.
    The other day i couldnt for the life of me remember how i old i was!!! i actually had to ask mum if i was this age or a year older... she said i was the older one and i was like "whoa, that sucks"!! but im now trying to tell myself that its not that ive wasted time, its that ive faced a struggle that will make me stronger and braver for the journeys and adventures that WILL be up ahead. My life has not been wasted, its just a longer beginning :-)

  4. I can totally relate with you on the whole anxiety thing. Like you said, the most effective way of beating it in my case is really just sucking it up and forcing myself to face my fears! It ends up not being as scary as I thought, and over time, those fears will diminish. Distractions are VERY helpful, also, as you mentioned.

    That cat is absolutely PRECIOUS! I LOVE cats. She looks beautiful (:

    Hang in there and keep fighting! I am always here if you need someone to talk to.

  5. Aww don't beat yourself up over the cat being a munchkin - if there's ever an oppurtunity, they will take it! One of my dogs once ate pretty much an entire box of rich chocolate truffles that I'd left in my room - they are so naughty given any oppurtunity! A few extra treats won't hurt x

    1. aha she totally did it again ;p i suck at controlling her. xox

  6. Just wanted to write a quick note to say hi and I hope you are doing okay ; )

    1. :) thank you jenn! i hope you're well, much love <3

  7. I have been successful in so many aspects of life and have accomplished much. I know that I could do so much more if I want to, but for the most part I find myself thinking ‘I don’t want to”.

    I put it down to thoroughly enjoying the journey of life, and not fixating on one destination. I want to (and have) experienced so much that I resist pursuing one goal with any passion or enthusiasm. Living MY life is my passion, and perhaps that is where I am most successful.

    Thanks for getting me thinking on this, and Many thanks for bringing up the topic.

    1. :) thank you for sharing this. im happy that you could see it as that's likely more important than anyone elses view of you xox