Saturday, May 5, 2012

mommy dearest ;(

 

hello loves :) happy may! and happy saturday ;P …..

well, this morning i had a bowl of oats, a nice melange of quick and old fashion (extra-thick! …bob’s red mill) oats, with dark raisins, pear & raw almonds, cinnamon and ginger and topped with crystallized ginger and almond milk. i ate something similar a little while ago, which is shown below ;P but, close enough.

ginger-pear-oatmeal

i still don’t love pear in oats, they lose their sweetness and i normally just rely on bananas to sweeten my oats. but i didn’t have one in my cereal today, so i had hoped the raisins would help. i added a tiny bit of dark natural honey part way through ;)

its so freaking hot today i want to die. blahhh. i went for a short run this morning and, out of the sun, it wasn’t too bad. but i don’t enjoy running in heat. everyone else seems to love it though.

TPhoto_00001

so im different.

i have been slowly packing my things, as im moving home for a short while. but, most of it will be in storage for when i get my own place (again, though this could possibly be my own apartment or condo. dreaming but hopefully it could happen soon! after i start working more regularly, and so on…) and i have also been decorating in the process.

which seems sort of pointless.

azria sister love

but i’ll be using much of the furniture (like my armoire) in the new place. both doors have a few things on the inside; one is more fashion-inspired, but the other reflects films, movies and art. you see, as i was putting things into bins i went through much of my old teen vogues, i guess i haven’t subscribed in a few years. but i have kept a pretty massive stack. so i took some of the things from there, which is why some of these photos are dated. but they are from my favourite issues or articles, segments.

ugh. well lately my life is sort of shit. all-time low, we’re talking here. im not sure when i became so dependent; like a child, really. its pretty sad.

the title was just from something i came across in one of the old issues (ironically it was about negative mother-daughter relationships…or, destructive/unhealthy, sort of..), but it sort of connects. i promise im not that much of a baby. but i do have some weird issues with change and seeing certain people. go. i don’t even live at home, but its always been more than the ‘norm’ in terms of how i feel. sorry that sentence was horrible. aha i can’t write anymore ;( my parents are away for a couple of weeks, and im supposed to check on the house a bit. and my evey (cat) ;) is here with us (my brother and me). she often stays with us when my parents are away. but my brother is also on some work training retreat, or resort thing. so i haven’t actually been alone overnight in this place (our apartment) over the past year and a bit that we’ve been here. i’ve been at my house or family home a lot overnight and sometimes for a week, and when i was at Dal for uni, i was always alone (except in residence). so i just wanted to clear  that up ;P my parents have always made sure that i leave home for periods, ever since i was, like, eight i guess for camp.

i guess i sort of thought that, by posting today, it might make me feel better. i know its the internet, but i still feel connected to most of you, which makes me feel slightly less alone. (i say today but i really mean yesterday, i tried to post this but wasn’t finished at all…and got mixed up with other things that i had to do. and other thoughts.) alas! …anyway. i just really wanted to be able to use ‘alas’, i think that worked though, right? ive been watching too much harry potter. and i really want some bertie botts beans :) good ones, or just yummy jelly bellies.

its taken me too long to write this up…i was out doing things and still haven’t completed it, so ive been creating this post in stages. its evening now, but i had a lovely walk back. it was a bit chilly but much nicer than the past few days, and no humidity. so, much better & thus im much happier. well, with  the weather anyway ;P that’s all really, i know it isn’t much of a post, and i hesitate to go on and share more. because a lot of stuff is going on and i really don’t know what is going to happen to me or how im going to fix myself, but i feel like there is little reason to mention it (for privacy reasons but also because its not helping any of you to just expose everything!)

but…in a way i also want to talk to people, especially to those who have been in sort-of-similar situations. maybe i wouldn’t feel as lonely. so, if you’re reading this, i’d obviously love to talk to you more :) and i really appreciate the people who i’ve connected with, as they have been very helpful, kind & supportive. anyway, this is so awkward and sappy now. so i’ll just…uhm, go now… hehe..okay, talk to you later, lots of love. xoxox

12 comments:

  1. i don't like running in the heat either, i always get light headed and more tired. it's perfect when it's hot with a cool breeze blowing... that is my favorite weather to run in ; )

    i hope you can move into your own apartment or condo soon. i REALLY want to do that, i am tired of living with roommates and i want to decorate my place all cute and have it be just mine but everything is so expensive here. someday soon hopefully.

    lots of hugs your way, and i hope that you can try to not let the ed in too much. do some things to treat yourself like a relaxing bubble bath or lay outside in the shade and read (two of my favorite things to do) or sometimes when i am feeling down i go to the park and swing. i love it! and now i sound like a little kid. oh well ; )

    be gentle with yourself :)

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    1. im actually with my brother now, so not a random roommate :) but yes, see being alone is nice and i always look forward to it, but when im alone, it can make the anxiety so much worse. its weird :/ thank you so much though, love :) xox

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  2. Hi, I agree with Jenn, being gentle and forgiving with yourself can go a long way. It's also important to remain honest and set realistic goals.Happy you did a few things today and that the weather was on your side for at least the evening. By the way, I also have trouble with pears in oats- like it becomes grainy or something, maybe it's the skin? Then it's not very sweet at all. Bananas in oats is definitely my fave. Have a lovely Sunday. ttyl - T

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    1. i actually didn't have the skin on! the texture was okay but i guess the juices sort of disperse within the oats so its not concentrated, whereas bananas are much different. thanks :) xoxox

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  3. Thinking of you lovely, we don't even really know each other at all but i do. Things will get better for you, chin up ;) xxx

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    1. aw thank you so much sona :) im thinking of you as well xox

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  4. It is very hard being in that child-like state when you want so badly to be an independant adult... i can relate to this. im back living at home, yet i still have a job and a life and i WANT to be independant, but i cant quite do it yet. Its an important transition to make, when you are ready... mother-daughter relationships are a very fragile balance. Im lucky that i get on with mine, but we have our fair share of issues, i think its a case of give and take. they may NOT know whats best but they will always WANT wants best.
    take care hun xx

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    1. :) thank you clemmy, you're so insightful :) xox

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  5. I would love to watch Harry Potter and share some Bertie Botts Beans with you. :)

    I'm very close with my parents, and when I went from Texas to New York for my first semester of college, I missed them a lot. I was successful academically, but I kept wondering, What's the point if I can't even spend more days with the ones I love? So I moved back and lived with my parents while finishing college. At first I felt kind of guilty, like I was refusing to grow up somehow, but I was happier that way. I'm almost sure I'd still live with them if I didn't now live with my boyfriend, and I'd probably only move out from my parents once I had a full-time professional job.

    I think, at least in the U.S., we are expected culturally to finish high school, go to away to college and "break from" our parents then. For someone who is as dependent on their parents as I am, I have found a much slower transition to be more rewarding. I think as long as you keep trying to do good things for yourself (school, job, etc), you will find the independence comes naturally over time. Just remember to respect all your little daily accomplishes, too, and not fret over big ones. :)

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    1. :) thank you. but its negatively-affecting them, & not just financially. but i understand what you mean, though at least you were doing so well and making strides ;P (never used that word aha) xox

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  6. Oh I know what you mean about pears and oats, I think in the past I haven’t cooked the pear just put it in fresh at the last moment, which kept the sweetness (I think). The picture looks so lovely! I’m sorry to hear things are so rough, *hugs*. I hope they get better and that you try and keep your chin up. Take care lovely Jen! xxx

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    1. hey you ;p ...yes i might just save them for eating normally. well whats normal bah ;) but like cut up and eat like that. or just bite it off, its nice when they're juicy. thank you so much, i wish you the same too xox

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