Tuesday, July 10, 2012

decisions & regrets

..times two? i have a feeling i’ve already titled a post with this. i guess i have a lot of decisions and regrets. anyway, hello there! i hope you’re all enjoying summer, the weather cooled down for a little bit at least…

happy july tenth!

okay, hmphkjkj well i debated what to write here. i have a lot of stuff that i am thinking about, and normally would want to let it all out here but i don’t think it’s the best. i mean, i started a video and then it got so long, so rambled, too honest and i was just scared when i watched it. i want to keep posting but i just have a dilemma, and don’t know what to do. so i thought i’d included a bit of an entry, from when i just needed to write it down. i was actually trying to create a formal document, well not formal but somewhat “clear” for my parents, stating my arguments for and against (mainly against..) a decision that they were leaning toward. but…other than that i am very confused, conflicted. i know my feelings toward this and other things, and i am set in my ways. it’s not merely the stubborn and negative side of me, i truly don’t believe that this is the right choice. not to mention it would be literally hell on earth for me. i just feel so frustrated because i have odds against me, and i have no credit with my parents, doctors, anyone really. because i’m not working full time out of university, even part time. i’m physically not doing well, by anyone’s standards though i don’t think it’s as bad as they believe. i’ve lost independence, the list goes on. so any argument, any time i try to voice my own opinion i have all these things (plus many more) stacked against me. its a lose-lose situation for jen, and win-win for everyone else? especially if i do take on this new decision, i mean i feel like if i don’t…i’ll end up where i don’t want to be, it happened before. i refused to do something but ended up doing it without meaning to, and felt so disgusted with myself, body, weight gain, etc. but if i do take on the challenge (the nightmare, really)…it’s not right. i know it’s not a good choice, i really believe it. plus, well it’s another lose situation for me. i realise that they have the best intentions, and i should stop being so pig-headed but i just can’t even fathom this, i know it will be hell and i just…well that’s where i am now. it’s like, now what?

The weight thing…oh, god the weight. Enough said. But I must elaborated in order to prove my side, to try to get you to understand…I was never even originally at xxx (actually they have my height up ½ inch which does matter)…and when I reached xxx it was not natural, I was eating so much, feeling horrible…I had stopped swimming, and got to (boarding school name) seeing all the foods we never had growing up, desserts, even Mom said it was a bit higher than normal. PLEASE don’t let me get there or higher, I don’t care about all the body image crap, love yourself, blah…I will NOT love myself believe me, I will hate myself even more. that’s what this is about… I don’t care if that’s fucked up in your eyes, I am me and the way in which I feel about myself is so important, it doesn’t matter what other people think if you’re so unbelievably unhappy with yourself and with your life.


i know i’m beating around the bush, not stating exactly what im talking about but i feel so stupid to do so. and, honestly i understand if you’re not interested in reading. i wouldn’t be! i guess im not asking for advice (or am i?) because, if it’s not something i want to hear then i might not be accepting of the advice, which isn’t really fair, but on the other hand i have to be truthful. so you might be wondering why i’m even writing this out. i guess i feel like i owe it to you to at least be a little honest, even if i’m hesitant to elaborate. but i will change the topic now, because not everything has been shit ;P and i started this blog with happier thoughts, and wished to focus on the things that make me happy as well.


like this past weekend's cottage visit! i don’t know when i’ll be up next, depending on the schedule (if im working), but this was a good visit :) oh!! and we discovered bones…a collection of unidentifiable animal (i think??) bones right about here, but some were further up at the end of the dock. yet they were not there a week or so before, as my brother’s says (he was up then..) he gathered them up with rubber gloves and, i know its morbid, but we sort of want to figure out what it is. maybe a fox? though that seems odd, i thought maybe it died and stayed under throughout the winter, yet i don’t see how the waves could push it over here.


tadaaa! i don’t know why, but im sort of partially disgusted yet also drawn to this, i want to figure out what it is but i don’t want to touch them or anything. i’ve always been a bit fascinated with this, discovering things, pretending to be a detective, scientist, anything…i also don’t want to swim around there though, my mom told me that mike (brother) was about to pick up something that might have been a scull but there was still flesh on it?!? oglskdflsj i just gagged. im sorry :/ another topic now…

im reading a book called, ‘accidental family’ which is good! it takes place in england, well cornwall…and sort of other parts. i think it is the second of a few though, so i should have known that! i hate started partway through a series (well it’s more like just a connection, same characters)…the first chapter was sort of an update of the sort, which helped me become a bit familiarized with the characters, past events, etc.

DSC_0102 (2)

and because this sort of started out as a breakfast blog, this was a new sort of oatmeal bowl, with frozen dark cherries (the colour change, but im not too keen on this :/) and frozen banana, raw almonds, wheat germ, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg & organic multigrain squares finally! they were sitting unopened until i realised they expire soon! not that fresh but i do love these :)

i honestly cannot believe that it’s mid july practically…my mom’s birthday is on the twelfth! crazy…the more time passes the more i realise i’m just wasting life, not moving forward, not improving. on one hand i want autumn to come, or some cooler weather, yet i need to have accomplished so much more by then. so, in a sense, i don’t want it to come? if that makes any sense. i’m having trouble explaining and expressing myself coherently ;)


that’s a little belgium milk chocolate square (the wrapper, anyway) which was gooood. they came is the cutest box, a bunch of little ones layered and individually wrapped. mostly dark chocolates, but a few milk ones. one is like 97% and im not sure that i should try it. one of my classmates in high school got me to try one at like, 80 percent or something? maybe a bit higher. it was awful :/ like baking chocolate. but worse ;P i need a bit of sweetness.

hope all is well, lots of love xoxox


  1. Hm, sounds like you're talking about your parents wanting you to go to treatment. Maybe it's the kickstart you need! You said yourself you're not doing well physically, and, I know I shouldn't comment on appearance, but just in that mini photo at the end you don't look too well.
    Sometimes I wish someone else would take that control from me.

    1. no, i shouldn't have posted it. i haven't posting anything 'me' and, well it was dumb but i think it looks worse than i am. thank you for this :) i guess taking advice is difficult, im moving forward i think...if anything this threat makes me want to do more at home, to avoid that...if it makes sense. xox

  2. Hi sweetie. It seems that you are in complete opposition to your parents and the doctors. As S said above I can only imagine that this intervention is for treatment- whether that be IP or IOP. I understand both positions. You're parents are scared and want the best for you. You may be tired of hearing this from them, which I get, but you may also be at a place where as you stated you don't think you need these interventions. So perhaps- a middle ground can be reached. Yes, you are right gaining to hit xxx lbs in a short pd of time is overwhelming and probably the most challenging you'll do and scary. So I'd like to just suggest that you give your parents the letter you've come up with and see what happens. I mean maybe you can gain through OP and figure out a manner to meet your parents wishes of gaining some wt without feeling like you hate yourself. That is often the most difficult part of gaining for me- when I have to. Those disgusting feelings of failure and self-hatred... IDK- what a tough place to be in. Your post was coherent though a bit vague. I feel that perhaps my response is a bit incoherent atm so I apologize. But I'm here for you and just write me whenever. I do hope that you and your parents and the doc's are able to come up with a good solution for everyone- but especially for you. *hugs* -T

    1. hey :) i don't think i can do op until i do ip, like its part of the whole thing. im not sure if i'd have to be at a set bmi before that, and often op is kept for those with more bulimic tendencies, at least that's what i think she said. thank you <3 xox

  3. If you get the chance to go IP - take it.

    It looks like you could do with some further support, both physically and mentally. No, gaining weight will not be fun - but it is necessary. Don't have a number in mind, I didn't, I just ate to gain and it was a lot easier not focussing on getting closer to the dreaded xxx weight.

    Please consider IP, you look like you're in need of it.

    1. the thing is i am gaining, blow it's been slow which i don't want to change (its been so fast in the past) plus im eating enough, well almost, like they offered a meal plan which was so much less than im having now. its hard to think that i need to go when i actually am eating more than i have in years, and i don't mean like, a little amount vs nothing, i mean a decent-larger amount vs a smallish amount. i knwo it sounds like im making excuses but its true. thank you for this :) xox