..times two? i have a feeling i’ve already titled a post with this. i guess i have a lot of decisions and regrets. anyway, hello there! i hope you’re all enjoying summer, the weather cooled down for a little bit at least…
happy july tenth!
okay, hmphkjkj well i debated what to write here. i have a lot of stuff that i am thinking about, and normally would want to let it all out here but i don’t think it’s the best. i mean, i started a video and then it got so long, so rambled, too honest and i was just scared when i watched it. i want to keep posting but i just have a dilemma, and don’t know what to do. so i thought i’d included a bit of an entry, from when i just needed to write it down. i was actually trying to create a formal document, well not formal but somewhat “clear” for my parents, stating my arguments for and against (mainly against..) a decision that they were leaning toward. but…other than that i am very confused, conflicted. i know my feelings toward this and other things, and i am set in my ways. it’s not merely the stubborn and negative side of me, i truly don’t believe that this is the right choice. not to mention it would be literally hell on earth for me. i just feel so frustrated because i have odds against me, and i have no credit with my parents, doctors, anyone really. because i’m not working full time out of university, even part time. i’m physically not doing well, by anyone’s standards though i don’t think it’s as bad as they believe. i’ve lost independence, the list goes on. so any argument, any time i try to voice my own opinion i have all these things (plus many more) stacked against me. its a lose-lose situation for jen, and win-win for everyone else? especially if i do take on this new decision, i mean i feel like if i don’t…i’ll end up where i don’t want to be, it happened before. i refused to do something but ended up doing it without meaning to, and felt so disgusted with myself, body, weight gain, etc. but if i do take on the challenge (the nightmare, really)…it’s not right. i know it’s not a good choice, i really believe it. plus, well it’s another lose situation for me. i realise that they have the best intentions, and i should stop being so pig-headed but i just can’t even fathom this, i know it will be hell and i just…well that’s where i am now. it’s like, now what?
The weight thing…oh, god the weight. Enough said. But I must elaborated in order to prove my side, to try to get you to understand…I was never even originally at xxx (actually they have my height up ½ inch which does matter)…and when I reached xxx it was not natural, I was eating so much, feeling horrible…I had stopped swimming, and got to (boarding school name) seeing all the foods we never had growing up, desserts, even Mom said it was a bit higher than normal. PLEASE don’t let me get there or higher, I don’t care about all the body image crap, love yourself, blah…I will NOT love myself believe me, I will hate myself even more. that’s what this is about… I don’t care if that’s fucked up in your eyes, I am me and the way in which I feel about myself is so important, it doesn’t matter what other people think if you’re so unbelievably unhappy with yourself and with your life.
i know i’m beating around the bush, not stating exactly what im talking about but i feel so stupid to do so. and, honestly i understand if you’re not interested in reading. i wouldn’t be! i guess im not asking for advice (or am i?) because, if it’s not something i want to hear then i might not be accepting of the advice, which isn’t really fair, but on the other hand i have to be truthful. so you might be wondering why i’m even writing this out. i guess i feel like i owe it to you to at least be a little honest, even if i’m hesitant to elaborate. but i will change the topic now, because not everything has been shit ;P and i started this blog with happier thoughts, and wished to focus on the things that make me happy as well.
like this past weekend's cottage visit! i don’t know when i’ll be up next, depending on the schedule (if im working), but this was a good visit :) oh!! and we discovered bones…a collection of unidentifiable animal (i think??) bones right about here, but some were further up at the end of the dock. yet they were not there a week or so before, as my brother’s says (he was up then..) he gathered them up with rubber gloves and, i know its morbid, but we sort of want to figure out what it is. maybe a fox? though that seems odd, i thought maybe it died and stayed under throughout the winter, yet i don’t see how the waves could push it over here.
tadaaa! i don’t know why, but im sort of partially disgusted yet also drawn to this, i want to figure out what it is but i don’t want to touch them or anything. i’ve always been a bit fascinated with this, discovering things, pretending to be a detective, scientist, anything…i also don’t want to swim around there though, my mom told me that mike (brother) was about to pick up something that might have been a scull but there was still flesh on it?!? oglskdflsj i just gagged. im sorry :/ another topic now…
im reading a book called, ‘accidental family’ which is good! it takes place in england, well cornwall…and sort of other parts. i think it is the second of a few though, so i should have known that! i hate started partway through a series (well it’s more like just a connection, same characters)…the first chapter was sort of an update of the sort, which helped me become a bit familiarized with the characters, past events, etc.
and because this sort of started out as a breakfast blog, this was a new sort of oatmeal bowl, with frozen dark cherries (the colour change, but im not too keen on this :/) and frozen banana, raw almonds, wheat germ, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg & organic multigrain squares finally! they were sitting unopened until i realised they expire soon! not that fresh but i do love these :)
i honestly cannot believe that it’s mid july practically…my mom’s birthday is on the twelfth! crazy…the more time passes the more i realise i’m just wasting life, not moving forward, not improving. on one hand i want autumn to come, or some cooler weather, yet i need to have accomplished so much more by then. so, in a sense, i don’t want it to come? if that makes any sense. i’m having trouble explaining and expressing myself coherently ;)
that’s a little belgium milk chocolate square (the wrapper, anyway) which was gooood. they came is the cutest box, a bunch of little ones layered and individually wrapped. mostly dark chocolates, but a few milk ones. one is like 97% and im not sure that i should try it. one of my classmates in high school got me to try one at like, 80 percent or something? maybe a bit higher. it was awful :/ like baking chocolate. but worse ;P i need a bit of sweetness.
hope all is well, lots of love xoxox