Monday, July 2, 2012

some [don’t] like it hot


it’s been a little while since i’ve said anything, …i do not feel motivated to post anything because i’m waiting until i have good news. and i feel as though the blogging ‘community’ that i knew of is nearly dead. which is upsetting. i know i’m not a huge part of it, but i guess i’ve also been a bit busy with my life, trying to fix things, challenge myself, etc. not working out brilliantly, though. and i just feel as though my life is unworthy of a blog.

i really want to bake cupcakes for some reason. maybe i was deprived of them as a child…cakes, ice-cream, cookies…but no cupcakes? i tried to get my mom to agree to cupcakes for her birthday, but i know she’d rather have something else. so we agreed on this plum-streusel-cake (looks like a quickbread) which seems yummy. hopefully i won’t mess it up like i did with her cake last year…:o oops. that was sad. there is this recipe for ‘raisin lemon yogurt’ cupcakes (does that sound unappetizing?) in an anne lindsay (canadian lighthearted/heart-healthy cookbook line, we have many of hers which sort of dictated much of my dinners growing up) cookbook that i might try out for our future family gathering sort of thing. whenever that happens.

anyway, how is everyone doing? it’s so. fucking. hot. i want to kill someone. if this is a sneak preview of this summer’s weather i will kill myself right now. seriously. its awful. i complain a lot, but i seriously cannot handle heat, whatsoever. so this sucks.

muskoka chairs

i’m hoping it’s much cooler up here though, i think i’m able to go to my cottage this upcoming weekend, which is good. if i start working in a more retail-oriented job i’ll likely have no weekends off…so that means i won’t be up much ;(


finally! took a while to arrive, but i now have a diploma which rests on the wall above my computer desk :)

…its a holiday today, because canada day fell on a sunday. so happy belated, she’s 145 year old! that makes me feel a bit better, honestly. oh!! i’ve been (..well i had been) taking more photos of meals and other things that i’ve come across, but i haven’t done much in over a week.


this is actually quite old…a lunch from the cottage the last time i was there, like three weeks ago? but i couldn’t find recent photos of my meals, and i’ve been branching out with new fruits and veggies. i normally just stick to bananas, unsweetened applesauce, apples/pears occasionally. and carrots for veggies ;P these were alfalfa sprouts i think which i liked! (w whole grain stonemill bread w raw almond butter and grated carrots, grilled!). i’ve also had plums, a variety of white and other flesh nectarines (which i love love love!) and avocado, which im just starting to try out. i used to think i didn’t like nectarines because, well i love peaches. and i love the fuzzy texture, so i would always shun the crunchy “hairless” nectarines but oh my gosh i had one for lunch today, crunchy but so sweet and lovely. i tried fresh apricots many times, but after like 5 sour once i gave up. i love dried ones but i think the ones around here just were not at their best this season? they are so freaking cute though, but so fragile. like little babies. ;P …ah, anyway….

shredded wheat, banana & strawberries w almonds

im glad im being much less restrictive, but it does have to do with living at home versus on my own, and having a dishwasher, more time to prepare, more ‘gadgets’ and cutlery in the kitchen to prepare things properly, and also, idk i get more anxious if its just me eating and trying things…so getting them as a family seems a bit easier? odd, i know. and not a good thing to get accustomed to because i will be moving once again on my own sooner or later.


breakfast from a week or so ago: creamy brown rice porridge, banana, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg, dried mango, crystallized ginger and chopped almonds i think…;P w black coffee. and likely peppermint tea there.

wow, i really though i’d be at a loss for words here but i guess, if you put a computer in front of me and get a topic started, i can sort of go on…is this boring, though? i think it’s likely much less interesting for someone else to here, but i sort of like writing about this stuff. i think it also has to do with my planning, controlling, obsessive stuff, i find myself planning so much, over and over in my head, meals, writing so many freaking lists, grocery lists for the future, meal ideas, snacks, but not in a good way, like i’ll have this idea in my head of what i might want, but also add in restrictions, like if im not feeling this then i have this instead, but if im okay i can add on this, and its just ridiculous i can’t even focus on anything else. and i feel like it lessens the anxiety to keep going, but then i realise it doesn’t because when things don’t work out as ‘planned’ i get so terrified like, ‘why can’t i eat this, what is wrong, fuck i didn’t have a “plan” for this” when really i should just listen to myself and figure whether i want something or not. it’s not helping me because i’m supposed to be breaking from these habits so that i can go out more and get back into the world, schedules, work, etc without freaking out every second. ugh, idk what to do really. writing it down makes it even more messed up because i know its an issue but i don’t want to stop.

in other things, like work and such…i still haven’t become involved in full or even part-time paid work but im volunteering a bit at the moment, and i’m still involved with the film internship (which is infrequent…but a contact, nonetheless!) …i never know much i should write down here. a while ago i’d be ashamed to say so much of what i’ve posted, but at this point its just like, jen what’s the point i hiding it. i think it’s obvious to look at me that i’m not doing well, not working, not succeeding. but i feel a bit uncomfortable letting everyone know that (meaning, the people who don’t see me…maybe i feel like anyone reading this is the one chance i have to create a more positive image of myself…because you don’t see or know my whole past? not sure if that makes sense)…but i guess im better just sharing with one person, though i don’t have many at the moment. i feel lonely i guess…my good friends from high school/university are either away at school still, living in another province…or just ignore my messages ;P seriously, though i think i come off as needy or something because i feel like no one wants to talk to me. that is pathetic. another thing i’d never want to say out loud a while ago…but im sure everyone knows that already. but i feel like even the people i met through blogging, i thought i was close to them. i mean, i know i didn’t “know” them, and often when you’re connected to someone through something negative like an eating disorder, depression, another illness…it’s not always healthy to keep that relationship, especially if one person is doing okay and maybe the other is not (i’m totally speaking hypothetically here, by the way, so please don’t assume that i’m making any judgments!) it’s best to stay apart? i’ve never felt that way though, i mean even if i know that the connection might not be the best, i hate losing friends, especially good ones, and i think that if someone isn’t doing well and might bring you down…well i don’t think i’d be very recovered then, would i? i mean, in the “real world” i am not censored to other individuals who are not in the best frame of mind or health. so i feel like its the same with friendships. and also, i feel like i need to help these people, especially if they’ve helped me out when i needed it. god i suck at explaining myself, expressing my feelings. but i guess i am trying to say that, i’m lonely? and that i’d love to talk to anyone who reads this, im so serious, and maybe i don’t seem all that “together” but i still try to offer my advice! aha, even if it might not be helpful, i try to help.

anyway! sorry for that long-winded paragraph. i guess i should post more often, because i obviously have a lot more to sort out than i think. i just never believe that it’s healthy for me to post, or that it’s helpful for myself, or for anyone who might read it. but i will try to post much more often, even to make me feel as though i’m accomplishing something, or working on/toward some objective. i feel a bit useless at the moment, really. i am going to wrap this up though because i could likely go on forever. and no one wants that! i hope all is well with whoever comes across this, and i am thinking of you, probably! hoping and wishing for the best for all of you. lots of love!

xoxox jen <3


  1. Hi sweetie-
    What a post. Happy to see what you've allowed yourself to post and be uncensored. I can only imagine that it feels liberating? Your sandwich with almond butter and carrots sounds absolutely amazing. But because of the recent allergic reactions if I were to do that I think maybe I could sandwich that btw apple slices or rice cakes? What do you think? As for fruits- I'm write you an email about what I've picked up. Apricots are kindof iffy for me as well which is bizarre b/c the other fruits in that family are cool- peaches, plums, etc. Ugh
    As for your friends- whether you found them through blogging or from before your ED it doesn't matter. They are your friends and no you are not needy. Honestly! Sorry to hear that they haven't reached out to you. In part I understand when ppl meet through an ED and then they are separated by varying degrees of the disorder or recovery. However, I agree with your pt that friends should be able to grow and mature together and if then it doesn't sort itself out then perhaps in those cases the friendship has run its course. Ultimately, it can be a lonely place to have a ED. But I'm totally here for you. Love you! -T

    1. what a post is right ;P i need to shut myself up after like 10 minutes of wait this was like ten min of writing ;) thank you , and im here for you too xox

  2. Hi Jen!

    It's always great to see a post pop up from you in my Google Reader! I love how the Harry Potter books look so different in Canada vs. The US. Is the first book called HP and the Philosopher's Stone like in the UK or the Sorcerer's Stone like in the US?

    I totally understand your feelings about the old blogging community being much quieter these days...I wish that I could motivate myself to blog more often! Maybe you and I can bring the blog community back by blogging lots and commenting!! I think a lot of people just like us are feeling stuck or hopeless and writing about the same thing everyday gets tricky if you want to keep things interesting

    1. we follow jk's true titles :) philosophers!...idk why americans changed it? i mean she created the whole world so i don;t know what happened there. i do know that they had to film each scene twice, in the first film in which the word 'philosopher's stone" was used, for the release of the film in the states! craaazy ;P high-maintenance people you are ;P no but i guess there was a reason. i read your posts but often feel like i don;t have good things to say but i try to comment, thank you so much for leaving me these messages, it really makes my day :) hope you're doing well xoxox

  3. WELCOME TO MY WORLD >O where it's regularly 95-105 degrees in Houston with 60%+ humidity.

    It's great that you have been trying new fruits & veggies, etc. :) I like all the ones you mentioned! Lately I'm really into berries... raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, even cranberries. I'd like to try all the berries in the world. :P

    I am glad you posted; I missed your writing, and I agree that everyone has been very quiet around the blog world, myself included (simply because schoolwork crushes my creativity).

    I would be happy to be pen pals, with real letters or e-mails, if you'd like someone to talk to more often. :) I know what it is like to try to "keep in touch" with friends, even blogger friends, and not receive messages back. I especially realized that when I was moving during high school, and it was so important to me to write to my old friends, but it was not so important to them because they were off living their lives with my other friends.

    1. yera our summers, esp in this city are horrible (imo) but lately we are getting extreme heat + smog, etc alerts which is just, ugh well dangerous but not nice at all. ahhh berries they are so cute :) i love your writing and oh my gosh penpals would be fun! xox

  4. mmm, cupcakes are my very favorite dessert!! you should make some and send some to me! haha, j/k ; )

    i always get excited when i see a new post from you <3

    1. i will but knowing me they will not be good at all ;P oh, i love your comments they make me smile! i hope you're doing okay, lots of love

  5. A few things:

    a) Harry Potter. So much love for those books.
    b) I also tried to get into apricots, but our relationship didn't work out. Those just don't turn out well up here in Toronto, do they? I was drawn to them in my dark, twisty days when I studied fascinating things like the macronutrients of fruits and veggies. Isn't that what all people think about 24/7? Mmm bananas, apples, grapes, berries, peaches, and YES nectarines! Delicious.
    c) I can so relate to getting stuck up in my head, planning, brainstorming, list-making. I tend to do it when I'm less busy as well. I find it best to stop it in its tracks when it's unhealthy. Do the opposite of what my urges tell me to do. Then, at least, I feel I'm doing something right for myself.
    d) I also relate to the loneliness. When I haven't felt genuine or satisfied in recent social interactions, it's like an overarching cloud of lonely. It will pass, you are loved, I know it.

    Love the blog, my fellow Torontonian. Try to stay cool on this heat wave.

    1. this is such an amazing comment, you write well :) thank you so much...and yea idk our fruit selection hasn't been the best this spring/summer, im not sure if it's just me...? sort of sad! love bananas, but obviously they're not from here so that's cool :P xox

  6. Jen, So lovely to see one of your little posts again!
    I know I’m guilty of disappearing from the blogging ‘community’ lately; I just can’t seem to form words together or have the nerve to post anything.
    And the weather! Oh my! Would it give us a break now? It is unbelievable here and I feel completely useless in this sort of weather. Fall please hurry!
    And I’ve always been the opposite with peaches and nectarines, always loved nectarines more because they weren’t fuzzy… but now I’m enjoying peaches!

    Your pictures are lovely as always of course, especially enjoyed the glimpse of the harry potter book!
    And I think Mitri’s got it right with the penpal idea because it’s no good feeling lonely when you’ve got people who care about you!
    Still here for you and hoping things get better. xxx

    1. little...;P it's massive! i agree with you like 150% yet i've been doing it anyway, which is probably a mistake. i regret it the second i press publish, then just try to forget about it all :/ thank you love