it’s been a little while since i’ve said anything, …i do not feel motivated to post anything because i’m waiting until i have good news. and i feel as though the blogging ‘community’ that i knew of is nearly dead. which is upsetting. i know i’m not a huge part of it, but i guess i’ve also been a bit busy with my life, trying to fix things, challenge myself, etc. not working out brilliantly, though. and i just feel as though my life is unworthy of a blog.
i really want to bake cupcakes for some reason. maybe i was deprived of them as a child…cakes, ice-cream, cookies…but no cupcakes? i tried to get my mom to agree to cupcakes for her birthday, but i know she’d rather have something else. so we agreed on this plum-streusel-cake (looks like a quickbread) which seems yummy. hopefully i won’t mess it up like i did with her cake last year…:o oops. that was sad. there is this recipe for ‘raisin lemon yogurt’ cupcakes (does that sound unappetizing?) in an anne lindsay (canadian lighthearted/heart-healthy cookbook line, we have many of hers which sort of dictated much of my dinners growing up) cookbook that i might try out for our future family gathering sort of thing. whenever that happens.
anyway, how is everyone doing? it’s so. fucking. hot. i want to kill someone. if this is a sneak preview of this summer’s weather i will kill myself right now. seriously. its awful. i complain a lot, but i seriously cannot handle heat, whatsoever. so this sucks.
i’m hoping it’s much cooler up here though, i think i’m able to go to my cottage this upcoming weekend, which is good. if i start working in a more retail-oriented job i’ll likely have no weekends off…so that means i won’t be up much ;(
finally! took a while to arrive, but i now have a diploma which rests on the wall above my computer desk :)
…its a holiday today, because canada day fell on a sunday. so happy belated, she’s 145 year old! that makes me feel a bit better, honestly. oh!! i’ve been (..well i had been) taking more photos of meals and other things that i’ve come across, but i haven’t done much in over a week.
this is actually quite old…a lunch from the cottage the last time i was there, like three weeks ago? but i couldn’t find recent photos of my meals, and i’ve been branching out with new fruits and veggies. i normally just stick to bananas, unsweetened applesauce, apples/pears occasionally. and carrots for veggies ;P these were alfalfa sprouts i think which i liked! (w whole grain stonemill bread w raw almond butter and grated carrots, grilled!). i’ve also had plums, a variety of white and other flesh nectarines (which i love love love!) and avocado, which im just starting to try out. i used to think i didn’t like nectarines because, well i love peaches. and i love the fuzzy texture, so i would always shun the crunchy “hairless” nectarines but oh my gosh i had one for lunch today, crunchy but so sweet and lovely. i tried fresh apricots many times, but after like 5 sour once i gave up. i love dried ones but i think the ones around here just were not at their best this season? they are so freaking cute though, but so fragile. like little babies. ;P …ah, anyway….
im glad im being much less restrictive, but it does have to do with living at home versus on my own, and having a dishwasher, more time to prepare, more ‘gadgets’ and cutlery in the kitchen to prepare things properly, and also, idk i get more anxious if its just me eating and trying things…so getting them as a family seems a bit easier? odd, i know. and not a good thing to get accustomed to because i will be moving once again on my own sooner or later.
breakfast from a week or so ago: creamy brown rice porridge, banana, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg, dried mango, crystallized ginger and chopped almonds i think…;P w black coffee. and likely peppermint tea there.
wow, i really though i’d be at a loss for words here but i guess, if you put a computer in front of me and get a topic started, i can sort of go on…is this boring, though? i think it’s likely much less interesting for someone else to here, but i sort of like writing about this stuff. i think it also has to do with my planning, controlling, obsessive stuff, i find myself planning so much, over and over in my head, meals, writing so many freaking lists, grocery lists for the future, meal ideas, snacks, but not in a good way, like i’ll have this idea in my head of what i might want, but also add in restrictions, like if im not feeling this then i have this instead, but if im okay i can add on this, and its just ridiculous i can’t even focus on anything else. and i feel like it lessens the anxiety to keep going, but then i realise it doesn’t because when things don’t work out as ‘planned’ i get so terrified like, ‘why can’t i eat this, what is wrong, fuck i didn’t have a “plan” for this” when really i should just listen to myself and figure whether i want something or not. it’s not helping me because i’m supposed to be breaking from these habits so that i can go out more and get back into the world, schedules, work, etc without freaking out every second. ugh, idk what to do really. writing it down makes it even more messed up because i know its an issue but i don’t want to stop.
in other things, like work and such…i still haven’t become involved in full or even part-time paid work but im volunteering a bit at the moment, and i’m still involved with the film internship (which is infrequent…but a contact, nonetheless!) …i never know much i should write down here. a while ago i’d be ashamed to say so much of what i’ve posted, but at this point its just like, jen what’s the point i hiding it. i think it’s obvious to look at me that i’m not doing well, not working, not succeeding. but i feel a bit uncomfortable letting everyone know that (meaning, the people who don’t see me…maybe i feel like anyone reading this is the one chance i have to create a more positive image of myself…because you don’t see or know my whole past? not sure if that makes sense)…but i guess im better just sharing with one person, though i don’t have many at the moment. i feel lonely i guess…my good friends from high school/university are either away at school still, living in another province…or just ignore my messages ;P seriously, though i think i come off as needy or something because i feel like no one wants to talk to me. that is pathetic. another thing i’d never want to say out loud a while ago…but im sure everyone knows that already. but i feel like even the people i met through blogging, i thought i was close to them. i mean, i know i didn’t “know” them, and often when you’re connected to someone through something negative like an eating disorder, depression, another illness…it’s not always healthy to keep that relationship, especially if one person is doing okay and maybe the other is not (i’m totally speaking hypothetically here, by the way, so please don’t assume that i’m making any judgments!) it’s best to stay apart? i’ve never felt that way though, i mean even if i know that the connection might not be the best, i hate losing friends, especially good ones, and i think that if someone isn’t doing well and might bring you down…well i don’t think i’d be very recovered then, would i? i mean, in the “real world” i am not censored to other individuals who are not in the best frame of mind or health. so i feel like its the same with friendships. and also, i feel like i need to help these people, especially if they’ve helped me out when i needed it. god i suck at explaining myself, expressing my feelings. but i guess i am trying to say that, i’m lonely? and that i’d love to talk to anyone who reads this, im so serious, and maybe i don’t seem all that “together” but i still try to offer my advice! aha, even if it might not be helpful, i try to help.
anyway! sorry for that long-winded paragraph. i guess i should post more often, because i obviously have a lot more to sort out than i think. i just never believe that it’s healthy for me to post, or that it’s helpful for myself, or for anyone who might read it. but i will try to post much more often, even to make me feel as though i’m accomplishing something, or working on/toward some objective. i feel a bit useless at the moment, really. i am going to wrap this up though because i could likely go on forever. and no one wants that! i hope all is well with whoever comes across this, and i am thinking of you, probably! hoping and wishing for the best for all of you. lots of love!
xoxox jen <3