Wednesday, January 9, 2013

no more chances

hello there :) happy wednesday…feels a bit like a weekend because i don’t have much planned in terms of work (well just my own things) and my parents are away. but i woke up super early as usual, and managed to run a bit, shower and eat a lovely breakfast.

yesterday was death, honestly either i was super stressed, sick, anxious…i was alone and my stomach was honestly just…scary. and i was scared. crying, calling my mom on the phone and i begged them to stay. pathetic. anyway…i hope today goes a bit better but im waiting for another attack of some sort to hit. how optimistic of me.

organic quick oats & old fashion oats, cinnamon/ginger, raw almonds, banana, topped with crystallized ginger (lots of ginger), sliced almonds and crushed shredded wheat bites

organic quick oats & old fashion oats::ginger/cinnamon::banana::raw-almonds::crystallized-ginger, slivered-almonds & crushed shredded wheat bites on top! added a bit of almond milk & had a bit of black coffee…

anyway, on to what i was talking about before…i have decided to become an optimist. tehe…for real though. i’ve made this “goal” too many times to even count. but i realised that, i’m going to have some shitty (not pun intended) days, and lately it seems like im nearly always sick with something. and this terrifies me, but it also stops me from living…and it makes me more negative, fed-up, everything. this morning it wasn’t too bad and i started to feel a bit happy…then i immediately thought, fuck it’s not going to last. and then started to feel sick, upset stomach, etc. i’m going to try to seize the good moments, when i can. and try to do everything i can do during those times and then maybe i’ll feel a bit better about my life in general. i need to stick to this, though. because when something hits (sickness, anxiety, ibs) everything else goes out the window and im a total wreck. seriously, you should see me. but that would not be a pleasant experience. i also need someone to talk to, because my current “help” isn’t…helping. nothing is working and my parents are at a loss, really. besides the fact that i need to be working full-time, getting healthier physically and mentally…nothing matters to me when i feel so awful and i’m just trying to get through each day and night, like the prospect of working doesn’t cross my mind. and that is dangerous. i keep thinking that something will work, some day things will click. but they will not unless i fix them myself. but i can’t do it :/ i just can’t. im so so so scared, guys/girls. and i wish that things were easier.

i realise that i’m blessed in many ways…i had a comfortable childhood for the most part (besides my own mental anxieties, etc brought on by myself) and my parents are being supportive at the moment, although they are realistic and very serious about what needs to be done. i’m killing them, though, they need to settle down and relax, i cannot depend on them. it’s sad and it’s sick. it needs to stop. i need to stop. it’s like i’m waiting for a breakthrough that is just not coming. i’m such a dreamer, although lately i’ve become more realistic since my life has become a total fuckup (sorry).

DSC_0091 (3)

my dad’s (sixty-second!!) birthday was this past sunday, and my mom made the beauty above. i love how she can ice a cake properly…anyway, my grandmother and aunt came (the one who’s husband passed away last christmas) and it was nice to see them, but stressful. im just not good company ;P but i tried to chill and just go with the flow. my grandmother is, gosh so freaking small now :( she’s wasting away. but i guess she’s ninety-three, although she wasn’t like this a couple years ago.

and somehow i’ve totally messed up the display on my computer, or something…so it just resembles a 1990 desktop or something, like all huge and warped, wide and stocky (like those wonky mirrors at the fair/circus)…i was trying to help my ill computer yesterday by deleting a bunch of programs that i thought i didn’t need. but i guess some of them were actually essential to this computer running properly :/ failed again. i hope it just miraculously returns to normal the next time i restart my computer. otherwise idk what to do, as i don’t know if i have the original disk that came with this, and im pretty sure that this was already on the computer to start with, in which case im totally screwed.

TPhoto_00002

like right now this image above looks very short and wide…is that just on my computer? baha..

well that’s about it. i meant to publish this earlier today but i got caught up in other things. so…hmph since writing the first part i haven’t really been positive. i can’t even last a day ;P but i will try. for real. and you are my witnesses (whoever is there) and i am not allowed to write again unless i have positive things to write about.

xoxoxo love jen

14 comments:

  1. Becoming an optimist is a great goal but also a very ambitious that can easily become unachievable. Don't beat yourself up for having a bad day because we all have them! You're not alone with this one!

    Also, you shouldn't put the huge pressure of not being allowed to post unless it's something positive onto yourself. I find a blog is - among other things - a way of reaching out for help. Feel free to mail me anytime you're having a bad day, girl! My address is letsgetupandlive (at) googlemail.com

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    1. yea i'm not going to become an optimist aha, maybe a pessimist with like days off...anyway thank you so much :) xox

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  2. Howe come your hands are so read! must be bad circulation, get that checked out it is very worrying and common for someone who is very very underweight. I hope you are looking after yourself :'(

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    1. hi, no i think the blue/purple/dark hands would mean that. it can happen when im cold or going through something, but the red it sensitive skin/weather and washing, etc. i'm trying to look after myself, thank you :)

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  3. Happy Wednesday Jen!
    First, your breakfast looks so lovely, and I am extraordinarily jealous since I've been neglecting lovely oat breakfasts...
    I think the focusing on optimism is a great idea, it's what I've been trying to do and I think it does help... it breaks the cycle even if though at times it's so difficult... I truly hope things start feeling better for you! Take care Jen. xxx

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    1. calla :) please make some oats, love ;P xox

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  4. Hey there,

    I just got out of the hospital for the third time, and when I signed on to Bloglovin' (tracks blogs I follow) and saw the title "no more chances", it was kind of significant for me. Like, I can't keep doing this. I really was stopped for a moment when I saw that title. It was positive, sort of. I don't know how to articulate it. It was a feeling.

    I mean, it was partly negative in that I also thought "no more chances. If you fail this time, you're done." I can't keep doing this. I've finished grad school and am at my first professional job and within a year am confronted and back in IP. So it's like, no more chances - one way or the other. It's scary.
    Sorry, I don't think this is making much sense in words!

    Anyway, maybe you should try IP another time, from a "no more chances" perspective.

    Also, just to add an oatmeal comment... I think my dietitian is weirded out by my oatmeal creations. Maybe it's odd to add more than 1 or 2 things? :)

    - shannon

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    1. shannon, i'd love to talk to you more. have you had a blog? i just am wondering how we connected. im sorry you were in ip again, but happy you're out. i've never actually been, and i hope to keep it that way, but i need help, more help than im getting, yet it's not simply the ed stuff, i have a few other things going on. it does make sense, what you've said. and for oatmeal...aha idk i mean i don't use many toppings its more just mixed in, banana to sweeten (and because bananas are amazing), almonds for my nuts...i like cinnamon and ginger...and then milk. i guess the shredded wheat part is something i've been doing for a while but its fun on top. hope you're doing okay xox

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    2. Hey,

      I think I started following your blog maybe over a year ago, from another blog probably. I had a blog ages ago on xanga but I didn't come across yours through there.
      We also have the same birthdate, if you recall.

      I guess I just assumed you had been in IP? Not sure. But if you've never done it before and have tried outpatient and still not gotten any solid improvement, then maybe you ought to try? It sounds like it's something your parents have thought about? It sounds like you've got some medical stuff too that exacerbates the ed, but an IP program is going to know how to deal with that. You don't want to stay miserable.

      My email is ShannonHStewart89@gmail.com.

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  5. I think it is too overly simplistic to divide people into "pessimists" and "optimists." I mean, I would describe myself as being too pessimistic to be an optimist and too optimistic to be a pessimist. Also, I think humans ebb and flow between the two throughout their lives, depending upon what is happening in their lives at the time... Maybe you have been pessimistic for awhile, pessimistic more often than not, but I believe there really is an optimist in you, too. :) It may take deliberate effort on your part to draw the optimist out, but you can do it, slowly but surely, day by day.

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    1. aha mitri yea, i was sort of joking. it's just an example of how i have these infrequent bursts of inspiration and decided to do things, which don't often last. but i like how you put it :) thank you xox

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  6. hi jen :) sorry it's been sooo sooo long since i've commented. I think being an optimist would be wonderful, if it were possible to just choose to be optimistic lol. I wish it were that easy ;P I think it's a positive thing to want to try to look on the bright side, even if you cant't force yourself to do that all the time .. if that makes sense. I guess what I mean is that it's good to have hope. Like hoping that your computer will fix itself, thats optimism! lol (even though I know it really is possible for computers to fix themselves when you restart them) I hope it fixes itself soon xoxo

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    1. emily where the fuck have you been i miss you so so so much it's not even a little bit funny, i love you :( xoxox

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    2. ahh so sorry :( i've been here .. kinda checked out of my life and not doing much or keeping in contact with people. I'm trying to change that. I've missed you, and I love you too. xo

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