Tuesday, March 3, 2015

forever and ever winter

 hi there J

i still do write here! …from time to time; I haven’t deleted so I always have a bit of something to come back to (plus I hate to delete so many posts even if they are a bit shit, it seems like erasing the past and that just feels wrong);
i’m sort of posting now because I spent some time, once again, looking at old posts from the beginning until now, photos, food, thoughts (which were both repetitively-negative but also made me feel sick and sad because i know now how i felt then, but also because so much of those issues have remained and then manifested into others…literally five years later… :/ I still cannot get over that last part…

(some oatmeal from a while ago…we’ll call them ‘sunbutter-chocolate-almond’ oats i think)

Because I have to include a breakfast photo even though I haven’t posted regularly in over a year :o … I don’t even know if anyone sees this but I still feel connected to it and it represents my past in a sense, so I will just start writing random things. It’s cold :O actually, it’s warmer than it has been but we were just hit with another “winter starrrrm” and its snowing and blowing and will likely make all the slush freeze over when another polar vortex hits later in the week :/ blahh. My parents are in new Orleans and had the nerve to mention that it was colder than usual there ;P I think the temperature was going from like 75 to …wait, 75 F (which is like the mid teens or something C? im not American so we don’t “do” fahrenheit  ;p); wlkdjfsk suddenly im really anxious and im trying to drink this thing and its so sweet and I don’t think my body agrees and my mind doesn’t but there’s no point in going on and on and on about it…oh! Okay, these are cute: 

A couple nakd crunch flavours have come here which is pretty cool and I love the colours J

I found the banana not as nice which was odd as I love banana...

(but not always banana-flavoured things so it tasted a bit fake and very sweet) but I want to try it again and hopefully I’ll like it more…partly because I have another three right now I think… I wish we had the mocha and regular banana, rhubarb something ones and the raisins look really cool, like flavoured raisins?!? I have only seen those dried cranberry ones that are “blueberry-flavoured-craisins” but they are often the low sugar ones so they’re just sweetened w splenda or something which isn’t really what I want, I mean if they just put less sugar maybe, but then adding a sweetener which is even sweeter and messes w digestive systems sometimes, it wouldn’t be nice/sweet/see what I did there? oh god im such a fucking dumbass, does anyone actually remember me, posts, anything? I know it’s sort of sad that I haven’t changed at all and you are probably wondering why im even writing this down…

I don’t know what to say besides stating the obvious; I’m not okay. Okay, that’s evident I guess if you knew me right now in real life. There are so many things than I want to tell you, yet can’t; they’re just not things you put out there and, even if it was more acceptable to share everything to a world wide web of people/things, it’s not fair for people to read; and it’s not healthy for me either I guess; but I just needed a sort of outlet and I do like writing here sometimes, I just feel that (especially since no one that I used to connect with blogs anymore) I don’t feel as though i’m talking to anyone anymore, which makes this process even more overwhelming and I don’t even know if/or who sees this? I mean I realise I’ve already sort of shared “too much” from the beginning, that ball has dropped ;P or whatever they say; for some reason I am writing down so many puns/corny sayings but completely butchering them in the process…ahhsdlkfj okay I guess I mean I have changed in some ways, not in others, and I think it’s better not to write it all down; it would be pointless, right? Right. It’s starting to hail now and it’s dark out, although it’s just a bit after 4pm and I just keep feeling more anxious, about work (though I’ve been there a while) and food and my body’s reaction to things, ibs, sickness, anxiety, being alone right now for a longer period of time, not knowing if I’ll make it to work or be okay there, or if I can eat “this” or challenge with “that” and yadadsldkjflsklblahh thoughts thoughts thoughts. I guess they’re just thoughts. And, although they seem to control things, I am really the one who can control them and change and make myself see things in a better light. It just becomes so difficult when nothing positive really presents itself even loosely in my direction. But I have to watch closely I guess, or listen.
I hope that everyone is doing well, whoever that is ;) if anyone is reading this I hope that you’re happy. And I hope that you’ve had a good day, or night, or morning…and if not, that things turn around right now. With the hit of this publish button aha …
oh god, anyway. that’s all. xoxox so much love and hope to talk again soon


  1. I am so jealous that you can get nakd bars, still waiting for them to make an appearance here. I know I can't delete my blog either and that I will do the odd post here and there, it makes me think of...can't think of the word...time boxes or when you were made to write a letter to yourself in school that you'd read in 5/10 years time. I don't know that's what the blog makes me think of, stepping back into time briefly.
    I know things are not okay for you now, but as said earlier, always hoping things get better for you. Take care lovely! xxx

    1. ah i know but we don't get many, i want to try the cool raisins they have over there or trek bars :P i completely understand what you've said and i agree :( i hope things are okay and i miss chatting xoxox

  2. You're the one with the same birthdate as me, right? 6/7/89? Your posts still pop up whenever you post one since you're still on my followed blogs list....anyway, I just got out of a treatment hospital after 3 months...feel free to email me if you're feeling lonely :)

  3. yes! do you have a blog? i know a shannon w a blog but you might be someone else, probably : sorry that sounds so stupid obviously there are many shannons. thank you for this, and i will email you if you'd like/chat and what not xox

  4. I'm thinking of you often and hope you are well :) . My life is a bit of a shitstorm too at the moment. I sympathize so much and am sending positive energy your way.