Monday, April 12, 2010

happy monday beauties

hey lovelies :) :) ahhh first actual exam today, in like 3 hours sldkfjlsdkjflksdjflkjlskdjflk.

no picture of breaky because my battery was dead and i wanted to eat NOW. otherwise it would sit and get cold while i waited for an hour. but i will describe mon petit dejuner to you all...

- red river hot-cereal (tons of flaxxx)
- banana
- a few walnuts
- cinnamon of course
- bit of milk
- with some dry LIFE cereal (i looove life) on top


okay so thankgoooodness i have something to write about, lucie put up this thing on her bloggie and i was on it! woop. at first i just read the names and was like, aww thats nice...then i saw ellen and i was like oooo thats mee!!! its not my name, just the one on here so i had a dumb moment before realising aha. i feel special :):) honestly though its a good thing because i have nothing to talk about besides the usual boring negative, or you know what im doing, eats, etc. so this is fun i love you lucie! plus its all about being positive, forcing me to say things so its a good thing!!! i might not be doing this right its all new to me but anywho...oh and i have not proof-read it at all and there is a lot of writing, so sorry about that, i've never said this much in a post so i'm a bit nervous

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?

hmm. in terms of my physical body self, i guess my upper body? its naturally a bit smaller. in terms of my looks, i really and truly do not like me but i guess i like my hair and eyes, my hair is growing now but its been fairly soft though not at the moment. i used to hate that i was short ish im like just under 5.4 and partially because of my weight i thought that if i could get tall i'd be thinner and what not...but now i don't mind being smaller, sort of petite...but that also makes me want to be thinner since i always feel like since im small its easier for me to get bigger...if that makes any sense.

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

umm. aha i suck. at the moment i have to do so much in terms of relaxation, reading, personal me time in order to not be a total mess most of the time. but part of that is because im living on my own, obsessed with my own thoughts, no one to distract me. so im too caught up in my issues. but that's the only way to get by right now, is just to let myself sort of stick to a schedule. try to get sleep, lots of water and healthy food. also get outside most of my exercise is outdoors..

3) What are you looking forward to?

short term: going home on wednesday. also just having a good summer, its been sooooo long since i've had a good summer i can't even explain :( long term: not being so anxious, getting happier, getting healthier...and super long term just obtaining my career goals. hellloooo dreamer jen :P

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

well, i haven't told too much about myself. this isn't the only thing i'm going through, i suffer from anxiety and fears and just panic stuff at the moment too. so in general this year has been really tough, but my family has been supportive to a certain degree (they don't get a lot of it so its hard for them not to become frustrated when i cannot seem to help myself) and people online, forums, you lovely ones...but regarding my eating issues it really started when i was 14 and when i dropped the first time, i wasn't happy about getting help but my family cares so much about me and just wanted me to be okay. so i love them for that. though ever since then i've lost their trust and especially with my dad, even when i gained a lot more he would still see me as less, if that makes i feel like he'll never look at me in a normal light. anywho...yea, but pretty much staying in contact with anyone going through the same issues as i am has been amazing. its very difficult to not feel stupid and selfish and just hopeless when the people helping you just don't understand, so getting support from those who are in your boat has been very helpful.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

breakfast (red river cereal and stuff, mentioned all above)

6) What is one material thing you're dying to have right now?

ohhh my god boots like these, i think they're freepeople

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

i haven't yet been anywhere in the UK so obviously England, I've been to other countries in Europe but I'd also love to visit Ireland and Scotland :)

8) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

well mine aren't just related to ed, also just fear of being sick and stuff and i have lots of intolerances, or things that bother my stomach...i guess meat at the moment, i used to eat it but i don't like cooking it myself, i'm getting better with fats, i eat much more fats from nuts like natural nut butters, walnuts and almonds on their own...i still don't like eating oil, just a tiny bit but i will start having more, and also milk and cheese, i might include more of them in my the beginning i had a complete fear of fat, back when i started like age 14 and counted that instead of calories (i thought that's how it worked!) and eliminated so much that i probably caused some harm, but i don't mind it now as long as its considered 'healthy-fats', but i've learned that saturated fat is apparently essential? anyway i guess i could start eating more non 'healthy' fats in my mind, but first i should probably learn more, educate myself on what i need since im lacking essential nutrients at the moment, i can just sense things happening to my body because of it...oh actually i just remembered i used to fear peanut butter and made my mom get the kraft half fat, same calories and all...and now i dont mind eating the natural butters which have full fat, but they're much healthier so that's a step i guess :P regarding fear of foods for another reason, i don't like anything rich pretty much, dont like eating foods prepared by other people, not knowing what's in it, of if it has like germs and stuff..

9) What are your dreams for after ED?

well i think i'm much better now, but i do want to try to maintain a healthier mind at some point before i get older and have kids, my big fear is regarding children, families, how i'll influence them, i want them to be happy and im so scared that my mind is warped, im very rigid and stuck in my ways, so i need to change that

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

ahh im not sure, just my biggest pet peeve is people who are misinformed, and i hear things all the time, comments, etc that don't even make sense. so pretty much don't talk about it unless you actually know what you're saying, that was more targeted to people who aren't going through one. obviously to those suffering, i don't know what to say, i never really was very severe, i don't want to sound in denial but truly i mean i suffered at the beginning but never went to any ip or i don't want to say something wrong. but i've realised lately how SERIOUS they are, and not to judge and think that just because someone doesn't look "skin-and-bones" they're okay, since a hs friend of mine died a year ago from heart failure due to complications and i never even new she was sick, really. i can't stress enough that we just need to take care of our bodies, we're strong, but we can't take that much. and a lot of the time you can't see what's going on inside of you until you've done damage, its just so scary and so sad. i wish no one had to suffer but people get better all the time and you have to believe in yourself, surround yourself with people who care about you and just get help. i hope i don't make people angry with what i've said, but its different for everyone so it's hard to make comments without people getting upset about it. but i love you allllllll

and i 'tag' these people: alexandra megan stephanie
i don't think i even have ten readers i just put 3 above aha but i read lots of blogs, esp recover ones and everyone is incredible :)

i don't even know how many times it is for this book...

okay well that's all ohhmygod i need to go study ill talk to you all sometime, loveee


  1. im going to do mine tomorrow :) ! thanks! (now i got 2 :p)