Saturday, April 17, 2010

in the city

hey lovelies :) :) how are you??? i've been so-so i guess, happy to be home but still figuring lots of stuff out...

breaky was a bowl of cold cereal, a mixture of optimum blueberry cinnamon and some homemade muesli, with banana, almonds, dried cranberries, cinnamon, coffee before hand

we're supposed to go around the city today with a subway family pass, shh im supposed to be 18 for the day, though i look younger so it won't matter anyway :P im not sure if i want to, i feel sick and scared and weird, but we're going so maybe i can buy some vintage stuff on queen st. :)

i'm not sure what's wrong with me, i feel sick and tired and its so pathetic its like i want to be lie this. im terrified of being ill, but im always feeling horrible and its like i want to be alone. just curled up reading a book all day long. i get little bursts of happiness if i want to go out, bake some things, go running/walking/exercise and stuff but all-round its like i just want to be sad, but i really don't. it seems so much easier not to go out all the time and it sounds scary and unpleasant to me, going out and keeping myself busy and occupied. i don't know why. i know i'm doing most of this to myself but its hard to get out of this mindset, and to branch out and take risks. i don't even want to hang out with people only like my best friend maybe, otherwise its just socializing with people i don't have anything in common, and most people my age do things that, at the moment, i don't want to do. this sounds so lame but i wish i knew some of you in real life because we'd probably be like great friends, supportive, understand each other. ahh i don't know its hard to explain, and im just selfish and caught up in my own fears.

anywho, this little lady makes me happy:

enjoying one of maya's presents...

love her <3

i hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. when im not in school the days of the week don't mean the same thing and i often lose track of which day it is, if its a weekend or not. especially the last few summer when i worked retail (hellll) i had random shifts in evenings, weekend, mornings so honestly no special day meant anything, except for my days off of course :D okayyy so i must go, short and sweet, i never have too much to say but i run out of ideas, hopefully i can take some more photos for the next time i see you all

lots of love


  1. ahh your cat is too cute! :-)
    just wanted to post and say, dont worry about the socialising thing. i think all of us in recovery are feeling like this, especially at the moment, where other people are started to go out more and enjoy the good weather. its depressing and sometimes i wonder if i will ever get out of this mindset, but i tell myself that it is PART of the recovery process, my body needs to feel safe and protected in order to repair itself fully. I will be the outgoing confident happy girl i was before ED and so will you... tomorro is a new day!
    Dont feel bad and dont be scared, the time will come when you are ready to face the world again as a strong and confident person, there is no shame in waiting until you are better to do this. Hang in there and take care :-)

  2. hey :) thank you so much i will check out your bloggie. i will hang in xox