Wednesday, May 12, 2010

little wednesday update

hey lovelies :) :)

breakfast today was a bowl of cold cereal, banana, dried cranberries, cinnamon, chopped almonds, wheatgerm...and some skim!

i went for a walk earlier to drop off my resume at a retail place, a coffee shop...and i kept missing the person i was meant to meet so i had to go early and it was so rainy outside. hopefully that goes somewhere :P :P

i hope everyone had a great weekend, and mothers day, and start to the week!

i made brunch for my mom (and family too) on sunday...some scones that i had made earlier and she also requested 'parfaits', so pretty glass things layered with granola, berries, yogurt...

and the scones were this recipe i sort of tweaked but otherwise found on this site, orange-oat-currant and i loved them, if i can say that aha!

the night before that we had made a cake for my brothers family birthday celebration...

it was good, but really rich. i didn't mind the icing but didn't eat much of the cake. the others seemed to enjoy it!

i've started a course this summer as i was going to have a heavy load in my final year. i've never taken any type of school in the summer really, except for this french overseas program but that doesn't count! its a history course, and i think i'll enjoy it :)

so...i've been just looking for work still, doing some studying, relaxing a bit, figuring things out. ahh i don't understand why i am having so much trouble with anxiety and control and everything. not just food of course, im not too bad with that. i just feel sick all the time and get anxious when that happened. i never used to be this bad. this will sound pathetic but honestly i feel happy certain moments but not for long, and i cannot remember what it felt like to be happy. i don't mean entirely carefree, as i always had things on my mind but i wasn't such a mess :( i wish i had close friends to talk to about this (like you loviiiies) aha but i've lost touch with many of them, and others live further away, and some live here but its like, catch up for a coffee for a few hours but i'm not going to spill all my issues onto them. i love my family and my parents are comforting, but i shouldn't be like this. i mean people my age are out doing things, not worrying so much. sldkflskdjflkj sorry i hate being like this on here but to be honest i have nothing else to say so i just write what comes to my mind, and my mind is usually selfishly absorbed in my own issues, so once i've covered some photos of cereal or whatever it leads to this.

i just don't know what to do. i feel lost, and stupid and scared and i hate that i am and i always say, okay its a new day and i'll be okay. but then thoughts creep back and i get so anxious and tense and physically not-so-great. and its this vicious cycle. i need to help others, then i wont think about myself. but the thing is, its not just a distraction that will save me because these are issues that need to be resolved you know? like not just left hidden. eww i sound really lame right now. okay...moving along! i don't think this blog is successful, i need to do something more here...not sure what though :(

the birthday outfit :) :)

but for real i wish some of you lived near me and we could be besties :D ahaha. i just made this comment a few days ago that i am so sick of mean people, and i just want to be around kind individuals because why would i want to feel like crap? there are so many awful people...or maybe they just like to act like awful people. but then you meet such wonderfully sincere and friendly people and its like...oh my god! its so refreshing. and i want to be a better person. i think i'm kind but i want to try to be even nicer, and judge less, and just be helpful and whatnot.

okay i apologize for this post, next time it will be better. love you all! byeee


  1. great blog! can't wait to follow :)
    come check out and follow mine!

  2. thank you i've just bookmarked yours :)

  3. ahh, i TOTALLY know what you mean. sometimes i try to think back to what it felt like to be carefree and relaxed in a 'comfortable with myself' kinda way.... i miss those days so much. i dont think i will ever be the person i was before this ED but im trying! i too have found that over the years i have drifted apart from my old friends, going to uni and moving around has meant that i havent kept in touch as well as i should. now often i feel lonely and wish i had some close friends who i could talk to about my fears and anxieties, but i dont want to force my issues onto someone else! i feel like by now i should be branching out from the comfort of my family, but it seems like sometimes there the only ones i can be open with. (apart from all the lovely bloggers!)
    i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way! so if you ever want to chat and just talk nonsense without feeling the pressure of those mean people who like to judge as a way of getting out their own inner angst! just email me... even if its just to say what you did in your day or something funny that you saw on tv. cos i dont know about u, but those are the things that i miss the most from a group of friends! xxx

  4. aw thank you so so so much that completely made my day :) you are so lovely!!! xoxox

  5. Don't apoligize... this is your place to vent if
    you need to! That's how you get the best advice, is through honesty about your struggles. Continue to blog about what makes you feel relieved. Don't feel pressure to please anyone but yourself! You deserve a place to unwind and ask for help.
    The scones, parfaits, and cake ALL look delicious! Keep looking towards a brighter future and I promise, one will come!

  6. your blog is perfect, do be critical of it!!
    Im going to read it :)
    Dana <3

  7. thanks so much, i've bookmarked yours xox