Monday, July 19, 2010

i'm really sorry

hey lovelies :) :) this will be short and not so sweet, and forgive me for posting such a negative thing but i just need to say it all...normally i just talk to someone either in person, online, what-not and don't actually "publish" all these feelings.

i'm not a nice person, i think i ruin things and break people apart. im at home now for the summer and working (though i didn't go today...there's this outbreak of something at the camp and i've felt not so great all weekend and i'm so unbelievable stressed and panicked about everything, plus i have these stomach issues) and my parents have trouble dealing with me. i mean, i try to be good but i really mess up people's lives. i'm just so selfish. but i don't mean to be. i can't stop dwelling on my own issues and that makes me impossible to be around i guess.

i need help, i know that. for a lot of things but maybe just some help dealing with everything. i feel like a crazy person saying this, as im not that bad and never thought i was so unhappy. and i'm normally not like this, i promise you. ugh i just don't know what to do. and i read posts as often as i can and just get inspired from you, but then i offer nothing in return. and im really and truly sorry about that.

okay, that's all. i hope to post when i get a chance about good things and life and foood :) on another note i guess i felt weird posting this before, and i know i've mentioned i have anxiety and issues around getting sick, but specifically i have a phobia of actually like being sick (emetophobia) and i didn't think many others had this. strange? ahh perhaps though honestly it kills me and i've never been this anxious and confused and scared about it all. but i think it's going to be okay.

love you all


  1. please don't apologize, lovely! you're only human, and nobody's perfect. i feel like that sometimes, everybody does. you're doing the best that you can and that's actually really good. i love you, try not to get yourself down. <3

  2. lucie thank you lovie :) so so so much. and i love you xoxox

  3. I think that at times, we all make mistakes. Often, we hold higher standards for ourselves than anyone else, especially those of us struggling with disorders. Most likely, others do not think you are mean or selfish- that is your low self-esteem talking! You are a lovely person who has permission to get stressed evey once in a while. We all do it!
    Also, when I was in first grade I cried every single day in school because I had a fear of vomit (mostly other peoples', not my own.) I always thought it was only a part of my OCD, but now I know there is a name for it! I grew out of that (and into other fears :( )after about 2 years, but, gosh, I felt so isolated at the time and just told my teacher that I missed my mom. It helps me to know that you go through that too.

  4. thank you so much lovie, but people near me (like my family who are still very supportive) tell me how difficult i am, and i know im hurting them a lot.

    yea i fear both but especially myself being sick, and just people close to me. its strange that many more people have a similar fear than i had originally thought. i think its connected (with me at least..) to the ocd thing. im sorry you went through that :(

    love you xox