Friday, July 22, 2011

that's me in a nutshell

hey lovelies :):)

this morning's breakfast was new :) and i was quite proud of myself actually :P more traditional oatmeal, with a theme...and part of a bar:

"cinnamon roll oats"

mixture of quick oats and 5 grain rolled oats in water with 1/2 frozen sliced banana (which was actually good on its own, i thought i would be gross but it thawed very quickly)...lots of cinnamon and ginger, with 1 tbsp almond-raisin granola & 1/2 cinnamon-roll of two left :(

oh. my. god. okay, officially i think the world may be ending. yesterday, it was horrid, humidex of fifty one. fifty. it hit 38 or so but felt like a freaking sauna, i walked over to my appointment at 4:30 and thought i would be sick on the street. it was that awful. but its supposed to get a bit better by sunday, 29 i think? then perhaps some rain and what not in the early part of next week. ugh i cannot wait for cooler weather, honestly. our internet was down, one of the major companies, all day yesterday, fried from the heat maybe? i worked on notes, was anxious for my appointment, like seriously messed up nervous, but watched a bit of one of my favourite films, and longed for autumn weather.

"don't you just love new york in the fall?"

lately i've been doing, well, nothing too exciting. school work, other work, studying, being stupid. :P im trying to focus on things that do matter, and i'm trying to be positive. that's something i say/write a lot on here. most of the time it's a lie i think, but this time it's sort of true. i want to be happy, but sometimes it seems easier to just give up i guess, or stay low.

"harry potter, it all ends"

one of the saddest farewells, this was brutal. when they're all crying at the end. :( sort of killing myself watching, yet you want to. you want to cry i guess. i want this though, i mean the thing about films, and i know i sound like a dreamer, but you meet amazing people and just the whole filming and acting and production experience seems beyond incredible. plus you become other people, and for films you're often shooting in these on -location shoots across the world.

but on a related note, i love this series. the books are my favourite, only because, well they're the beginning and they're just so magical. jk rowling writes so wonderfully, with such description, and each character seemed (seems...because i won't accept it to be over, especially since i've re read the series multiple times since the final book release in 2007) so real to me. but the films are also incredible in my opinion, everything really comes to life. and i love the actors, and everything really.

right now i'm just finishing up a degree, and its more film/theatre/history, though i started out in my university's acting program. it is theatre based, and the first year with my classmates was scary but quite amazing, and i grew close to many of them. but i love film so much, and i've become interested also in anything known as "behind the scenes"...though i'd ultimately love to act, to sort of get into the business i would say that i enjoy learning about all areas. along with television, radio, etc. but honestly if i could act in films, make film and just be a part of them, i think i'd be truly happy. but of course happiness is also about your life, and family, and what not. so i'd need to find a balance like that, and be happy with myself i guess, which i'm not even close to achieving at the moment. perhaps that's why i love to act, or to pretend, or to dream...i imaging my life differently? but the thing is, although film and stories and novels are escapist entertainment, that's not quite it. i would love the experience of making films, not simply the acting part. so i think i just always imaging i'll be different, or things will get better, or somehow i'll end up achieving what i truly want. but i lack reality sometimes, or figuring out how i'm going to get there. which is why my parents have always considered me a bit of a 'dreamer'...and why they were quite adamant that i achieve a more general degree as a basis. but i did want to go to school, i think i like to learn, and i wanted a degree even though i knew that it would likely not lead me directly into a career, or even form the basis of one. i just wanted to have it.

i feel like a bit of a, phoney. not that but just not very honest. honest with some things but perhaps i'm giving the impression that i'm trying to get better all the time...but im not actually trying. ugh this sounds odd. i just don't want to post about how i purposely did something or ate less or whatever, because then, well it would seem odd, like what are you trying to do jen ask for help? just brag about being restrictive, have people get angry with you? and i assume that when i read other blogs they're honest and usually people post about how much they want to get away from their eds and issues and are trying so hard, and of course i know its true. so i just feel sick saying this, but im not always trying to be better. its not that i want to be sad or sick or just not okay. but often i find certain things triggering, and then appealing...and if im just upset about one thing i'll turn to something which seems 'safe'. im making absolutely no sense. but i just wanted to say, i appreciate the messages so much, but then i feel guilty when an amazing person would write that i'm trying so hard, or they believe me, or that it's inspiring, which i just don't associate with myself at all. i feel like im failing i feel like im doing this to myself and i don't feel inspiring at all. i can't associate myself with those words but i would love to, i really would.

i do love this photo of elle, however, and wish i could do those braids with my hair

that's all really, i hope you're dealing with this heat in a good way, stay cool please :) xox love you all


  1. Jennifer,
    I relate so much to what you wrote at the end of your post, about feeling as if you're not really trying a lot of the time. I blogged for a long time and felt the same way...that I was fake and a liar and deceiving people. I still do sometimes, I fear that I come off happier or as if I am doing better than I truly am.

    Don't take this out on yourself though. Don't have these feelings say something about who you are as a person when ed is the one directing all of those moments when you feel as if you're not trying. You are not a deceptive person, you have an eating disorder...big difference my dear! :)

    I am proud of you. No matter if you listened to ed today or not :). Never give up on yourself!


  2. aw thank you so much :) i know i don't come off as happy aha, i think i post about that a lot. but i feel like people think im doing something that im not or assuming im recovering or just moving foward in any way, not holding on to things since im still very mixed on what i want and whether or not i want to do the 'right' things...if that makes sense, like i feel i don't need to. you're amazing btw :D xox