Saturday, December 10, 2011

trying to 'un-learn'

hey lovelies :):)

why, hello there :) happy saturday to it cold where you are? its cold here. i was out early (ish) this morning for a little run, and it was awful :P ahhh i was cursing mother nature each time a huge gust of bitter wind was thrown my way. but it was my choice to go out. well, partly, i felt like i had to. but im glad i did. after getting ready i had breakfast, and then sipped my coffee for a bit while reading harry potter & sitting next to my mom. she was reading "a tree grows in brooklyn", which she highly recommends. so i will probably read that soon. im just visiting home for a day or so. its nice to see my cat :) ahhh i love her she's so freaking cute :P


plain instant oats with a banana, chopped almonds & cinnamon;
topped with part of a crumbled pb+chocolate larabar, shredded wheat bites and soymilk :)

ive only had chocolate of some sort once perhaps on oats, and its not really my thing, its a bit early for that + i dont want to feel sick :/ but this was just a little. i felt weird naming the oats chocolate, i'd rather say oatmeal with cinnamon, banana, almonds, with shredded wheat, crumbled larabar + soymilk. i just feel the need to explain that, idk i just feel weird putting something so "dessert" on my breakfast.


something came to my attention, very strongly, almost in an itching way after reading emily's last post. i need to write something down, comment on hers, explain something or i would go crazy. it was a really weird feeling. maybe that's what writers feel like? i now understand that strong necessity to release something like words, which i've never before experienced. of course i have experienced it with emotion, and speaking aloud. but not writing. and i know i seem to be copying every inch of everyone in the blog world, which i honestly am not trying to do. i just feel like we (and many people in the blog world, especially these types of blogs) have so much in common. it's quite scary actually, but basically just strange, to read someone's entry and think. oh. my. god. that is me, i could have written that, i feel that...and maybe this is why i should be blogging. to figure out these thoughts, but also to try to connect to someone, to help someone. i never thought i would be doing this. i first started a blog because i had read two blogs in particular, and felt like i understood these girls, and i wanted to meet them. odd, yes. but i do that. throughout my life i often meet people and think, i want to be friends with them. and somehow i try to connect with them and make it work. is that weird? i find that it might sound creepy. but i think its just like trying to 'choose your friends'. anyway, often im wrong. and we end up drifting apart, or i don't really connect with them or the feeling doesn't end up being mutual. and then of course there are the friends that you become acquainted with almost by accident, and that's great as well.

but the point of this was, i do feel a bit lost and completely uncertain about my future. i used to have a plan, i always had a dream of what i wanted to do and i still do. but getting there seems impossible. i feel like i've come to terms with reality, and it's a bit ugly. it's not so simple anymore. from far away (or from a younger age, thirteen lets say) things seem so much more possible because there is such distance. the things i worried about then, i though, oh well when im older (say twenty..) i won't care, i'll be grown up and i'll be fine. that never happened. i only got worse, and the anxiety is stronger, the fears greater. but even when i challenge myself, do things that i don't want to do...well it's forced, right? i feel like i will never be who i used to be, now that i've experienced this sort of thing, developed these habits and thoughts and fears. it's like that saying, 'knowledge is power'. i don't think you ever lose it, so how can i possibly be happy? just forget everything? just tell myself i don't care, i'm not scared, i want to move on? i can't do it. i hate to be pathetic but it's true. and honestly i don't necessarily want to. i mean, i don't want to live in misery, but changing everything seems more daunting, and when nothing is certain, im scared to just take those risks in case nothing ends up improving. now that i've experienced these issues, disorders, thoughts, well this knowledge stays with me. it's like i have to "un-learn" everything in order to start new. but that means forgetting the past, and some of the memories were good. and i think that my issues, although not pleasant to go through, are a sort of control that i am so used to, that letting go is just like letting a part of me go. if i feel lost now, how lost will i feel then?

im sorry, i just had to say that. i feel like a fake. i mean, why am i writing this? why am i not doing anything? it's pathetic. and yet, im not where i want to be and i still look at myself and see such a need, a desire, for improvement. no matter what.
and i don't think that will ever change. maybe i'm stubborn, but i just can't trust that things are going to be okay if i change, when i do make certain changes under someone else's guidance, and i get nothing...

im sorry that was endless. i always say too much, i write for too long, i over think. i've been told that on several occasions. "jen you over-analyse, chill out, you think too much, etc". well i'd rather do that than under-think, under-analyse, not think enough. i'm an emotional person i guess, and im really sensitive, and...yea, i think. a lot. maybe thats why i struggle with issues like anxiety, fears, eating...trying to control things?

last night while laying in bed i could not stop thinking about this. and just about my past in general, and of mental/emotional illnesses, something which i never understood when i was younger. i, like many people, looked down upon it, and thought that it referred to crazy people, and honestly the topic made me so uneasy. it scared me. the thing is that i hate to put labels on things, and i never like to say that i suffer from such-and-such, because its like im using it as a crutch, and i dont want it to define me. plus, im embarrassed. not so much on here (although i am scared to publish this post, i always doubt myself & don't know if i'm saying "too much")...but in real life. i guess i feel like an eating disorder is more "accepted" than something like anxiety, depression, ocd (i'm not saying that i suffer from all of these things. i'm not saying that i don't). but i used to judge people, because i just didn't know any better. i was ignorant. i am ignorant. i hate that mental illnesses have such a negative stigma attached to them. but its because people just don't understand. and i hate that i'm ignorant or judgmental toward similar issues & struggles because it's just so unfair for those going through that hell. so in a sense maybe i'm glad that, because i 've sort of experienced some of these more first hand, i've become more aware, more understanding, and less ignorant.

wow. what a lovely topic for a saturday afternoon ;( im sorry. actually, im not. i need to stop doing that. because no one is forcing me to share my opinions, to write, to blog. i put this upon myself. i am my own enemy, and i am the one that hurts myself. no one else can be blamed for my struggles. i have so many thoughts crammed in my mind that it's hard to concentrate sometimes, so i need to get them out. i just feel like i can never express them well, like other bloggers, and i need to stop comparing myself to others, i need to stop wishing my life were different, that i was better, prettier, smarter, more intelligent, more articulate, thinner, thinner, thinner...healthier, more liked & loved, normal. because, in my eyes, i never will be. i keep thinking if i just harder, then i will be happier. happy. but it never happens. i have these dreams in my head that are not obtainable. i think that's why i suffer from these "illnesses" (though, like i said, i hate to say that, because many people feel like that's cheating, that's a crutch). but im not excusing myself because of them, im merely using the labels to explain my behaviour at times. i will take the blame, and i end up dealing with the consequences. but i always want to be something else because i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to change that, i don't want to accept something that i'm not truly happy with, and proud of.


on a more positive note, i just baked a few things :) you see, i usually make a treat for my mom, dad & brother, an individual goodie to go along with their store-bought present. so today i made snickerdoodles for my dad, peanut butter cups for my brother...and next time i will make almond-raisin biscotti for my mom. but shhhhhh...don't tell them ;P

lots of love




  1. I love the blogging world for that exact reason. Because I have found people who feel and think the same way I do. I feel like I can say anything (as crazy or irrational as it might be) and I KNOW there will be people who completely understand those thoughts and feelings. I love the ed recovery community in the blogging world and it has been such a huge strength to me and my own personal recovery. And I hope to pass that on to others as well <3

    I have felt a lot of what you are feeling. They say that when you have an addiction or an ed - that you kind of stop growing mentally/emotionally around the age that you developed the ed or addiction. And in recovery is when you have to play catch up and learn all those skills and life lessons that you missed because of the ed. But you WILL figure it out. You will figure out what life is without the ed, and what your dreams and goals are. What you hope for and the things you love. All of that you find slowly as you are in recovery. Try to be patient and live in the moment and not worry too much about the future because it WILL fall into place. I promise, because it has for me. Not completely - I am still on that road, but I know more about those things than I used to. I know it's easier said than done to not worry about the future or not be hard on ourselves because we don't know the answers... but they will come when we are ready for them. <3

  2. thank you so much for this :) it means a lot, and i agree that finding people who understand, think the sane things and are going through something similar is helpful (and sad of course because its hard :/) xox

  3. First of all, I really like your dishes. They are so simple and pretty. I really hate the ones I have here at school. Were these taken with your new camera? :)

    Secondly, you are not copying anyone Jen, stop it ;P No ones ideas are ever completely their own, I think. Everyone is inspired by bits of different things. You don’t have to think you are copying anyone just because you can relate. Reading your post about honesty the other day made me want to be more honest with my self. And my posts reflected that. I hope I wasn’t copying you ;)

    That is not creepy at all how you decide to become friends with people. I should do that more often actually. I feel like I’m just “waiting” for some people to caome along that I will be friends with, or some sort of situation where I just click with people. But so far, just waiting around for.. something, i don’t even know what. I guess the “ideal” situation to meet friends (which will probably never happen). It isn't working. There are some people I meet and want to know more about or I want to be friends with them, but I usually don’t reach out .. I usually think “oh, ill just wait till ___.. or I’ll wait till they talk to me first so its not awkward” etc. It never happens. Blogging has helped me get past this a bit, because I guess I feel more comfortable reaching out to people I know I have some things in common with. Now I need to apply it more to the “real world”. (I don’t like saying that because this is real too!)

    You are not being fake at all. I can completely relate to this. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how badly you want to change, you simply can’t. You have to remember that the things you are struggling with are not things that you chose. Sometimes there are just things you cannot do, on your own anyway. Nothing is impossible, but maybe you need more help to get past a few things? Even if it is just talking to someone. I don’t know if I can be of much help, but I am always here for you ♥

    No one else can be blamed for it, but neither can you. This is not your fault. If you were able to completely change everything you thought was “wrong”, you would have done it a long time ago. Sure, maybe you can make yourself “act normal” for a day maybe, but then what happens after that? .. The anxiety and guilt is so overwhelming because you deviated from your normal way of doing things, that the urge to keep behaving that way is even stronger. Its a vicious cycle. The more you try to get away from it, I think the ed thoughts/behaviors and anxiety get worse, or at least harder to manage. But only at first. I think if you keep pushing through the initial discomfort of not being “in control”, the easier it gets. If you can’t, thats okay too. It’s not your fault. xxx

  4. I think alot of people on here are looking for something, a friend... some reassurance... a way to feel less alone...
    I feel all these things! and i am glad i stumbled across this community cos it has provided me with such support and help in this long and hard journey to recovery that i really dont think i could have found anywhere else....

    The future is a beautiful and unpredictable thing, often when suffering from an ED you forget to look to the good things in the future, so trapped in the here and now. but the great thing about it is that it is totally changeable... you make your own destiny. things will happen that you havent planned for and that will shape the way your life pans out. dont be scared, just embrace it and see what surprises are around the corner :-)

  5. ahh both of you, clemmy + emily :) thank you xoxox

  6. I would definitely recommend reading “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”, I thought it was a beautiful book!
    I don’t know where to begin exactly in responding to your words…the blogging community, I’m finding to be amazing and I know one of the reasons I finally took to step towards actually becoming involved and having my own was because of feeling a ‘connection’ of some sort that I don’t seem to find with others. I know your blog was one of those that helped me realize I’m not all alone in this, because it’s so easy to feel alone when surround by people who seem to have things figured out (or at least well enough).
    I don’t think there is anything wrong with deciding who you want to be friends with…I think it’s quite courageous actually. Because I meet people who I would like to get closer to… but usually get too anxious to actually reach out and chose to just wait (which isn’t very productive).
    I wish I had some more helpful things to say. But I do want to say, that I think you are doing something, you are writing about things, you’ve reached out to people, and that is something.
    I hope the rest of your weekend was lovely!

  7. Wow, a very interesting read here.


  8. thank you calla, i love reading your blog, so much :) and thank you (i think anyway...) chalsie :P xox