Tuesday, January 3, 2012

chilly days & catching up…


hey lovelies :):)

wow, it’s very cold out today. the temperature suddenly dropped very low, though i was prepared because of the weather network, channels, news and so on. i had planned a run and was determined to do it today, and knew that i’d likely not want to go out later on with this forecast.

it was about minus twenty or so with a wind-chill making it feel like nearly minus thirty. that’s celsius and im not sure what the conversion is so this might not mean anything to you. but it was cold, just trust me. i couldn’t feel my face and my brain felt smushed when i got back :/ i’m not sure if you’ve had that feeling, it happens to me when i swim in our lake deep down where the water is the coldest. sort of like its frozen inside your head. i can’t describe it well obviously. it wasn’t as bad as i thought though, and the only parts of me that were cold were the uncovered areas. my headband thing shrunk so i didn’t have something to cover my ears ;( stupid jen..

anyway, once i sort of de-thawed and got ready for my day, i enjoyed a warm bowl of oats with various toppings and what not. i found this photo though, which i thought was cute. i think it’s ‘porridge’ though, which could mean any type of oat or hot cereal. but it looks yummy to me.


my bowl was plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, ripe banana, almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat squares and some milk

i don’t know why i’m doing this, but i feel like i want to post a lot more often now. even if they’re never read, i feel a bit accomplished once i do this. initially, i was looking forward to writing something. but i’ve just had a few things added to my to-do list and possibly some work this week which im stressing about because i have a few important appointments and in terms of emotional and physical health, i’m just not at my best. it’s pathetic though, i obviously need to be working, and if something like the above is stressing me out i need to just get over it. but i can’t help it. im a bit of a wreck now, i feel like my week is a bit jumbled and i like having things somewhat planned (even if things, like my own issues and symptoms usually get in the way and disrupt my life) so when i get some news, well let’s just say im not very flexible or spontaneous. i just don’t think i was born that way :/

ugh i don’t know what to do. and now im just going to be pissed off at myself for writing something so negative again. i seem to have difficulty refraining from doing this…even though no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to press publish.

something new, change the subject jen…(i talk to myself i think…) well i’ve been looking at a few blogs that i had not come across before. but most of them are finished, or the author hasn’t updated for a while. but i’m trying to motivate myself and it’s quite fun to read blogs because they can be inspiring, and i can relate to some of the things that they discuss. i’m not sure if it’s healthy though, as i usually find myself either wanting to buy certain products & goodies, and/or wanting to look more like the author, not really look but like, ugh well idk body-wise maybe? it’s something i used to do a lot, but not lately. even if it’s in an unhealthy way. and the thing is, im supposed to be gaining confidence and feeling more comfortable with myself and with life. and this probably won’t do the trick. i’m not a good influence…on myself. seriously, i mean sometimes i just need to give myself a shake, because it’s almost like i cause most of my own problems! not all of them though, i don’t think that’s fair. i’ve been feeling so sick lately and i get awful stomach symptoms and stress and anxiety, and i don’t want to feel like this at all. and i hope i’m not inflicting it upon myself…?

i just feel a bit sad, because this morning for once i sort of felt okay, and my day wasn’t going downhill too much, but suddenly it is and im feeling not so great. i hate how i can’t handle even one extra ounce of stress or pressure. im normally very anxious, and then certain things make it go skyyyy high. and it’s honestly debilitating. and i’m getting some help with that but nothing seems to be working and i know most of it is because of me. and it becomes frustrating, not just for be but for my family and any support-system that i have…how do you deal with stress? i know a lot of you are in school, which comes with it’s own stressors i know! but i get very anxious about a lot of things, not necessarily things that would stress a normal person out…if you’re understanding me at all. i know i can get wordy.

once again, well i’m sorry for being negative. but i guess this is my own blog, and that’s sort of what it is here for. but i hope to continue to improve and become happier and more independent so that i can report on something much more positive and uplifting. because i hate to be a debbie downer, and i also just feel a bit embarrassed, because i’m telling people about the negative things in my life and i’m definitely not improving my reputation around here. but until then, i hope you’ll continue to read these, and i really promise that i will improve.

i hope you’re all doing well :)

xox love jen


  1. Oh my! That is absolutely freezing! And I know exactly what you mean about that funny frozen brain feeling! I wish I knew something to help with all that stress… it is a terrible thing; I haven’t figured it out yet…and it gets so frustrating trying to explain to people how something so mundane that most people have no problem with stresses me out… but yeah….
    I like that you are posting more, even if you feel it is too negative like, it’s comforting in a way.
    Random question, are you using the word blog document format thingy (gosh that is informative)? The formats looking different and I wondered if that was the sort of program you were using and how it’s working for you. If that makes any sense!
    Take care. xxxx

  2. oh does it look really different? :0 i made the last few in microsoft office, which has a 'blog' component so i thought that was cool :) idk if that helps. im not sure if microsoft is a universal thing, i have windows 7 on here which was my new laptop. and i just changed the font up a bit but maybe its too much :P thank you for commenting i really appreciate this. ugh im just feeling like crap and so overwhelmed and embarrassed at how much this is affecting me so this really helps :) xox

  3. I think your AMAZING! I ve been following your blog for aggggessss now and have read every single post and check to see if you have updated every night- I love the way you are always so honest and sincere. I think you are an inspiration. you dont have to 'improve' you dont have to change, Jen, you ARE good enough just the way you are and that is just your mind tricking you into believing that you need to be something 'better'. your amazing so just try to be HAPPY and enjoy your life. life is so precious, it is truely a gift and the world needs each and every one of us and that includes YOU so get out there and start enjoying every single day to the fullest : ) I think you are a star! hugs! from sarah- from Ireland! ; )

  4. sarah that is incredible, the comment and everything :) i've always wanted to go to ireland actually, i've been to france, italy and switzerland but not the uk and i think the dialect/accent there (i know it varies from north to south) is so lovely; this really made my evening though thank you xox

  5. Hey Jen, this post made me think... with your symptoms, both mental and physical... have you ever been tested for food allergies? I used to have a lot of IBS symptoms but also feel emotionally shitty as well. I would feel like I couldn't concentrate on my work, a 'brain fog,' and I would have mood swings from quite depressed and hopeless to manically productive.

    Finding out I had food allergies didn't cure EVERYTHING, but it helped a LOT. I found out I was allergic to turkey, and any time I eat turkey now I feel nauseous, get a headache, etc. I also found out I was allergic to caffeine, so when I stopped drinking regular coffee, I felt loads better. Less stomachaches, less irritable bowel, less headaches, less mood swings, less feeling of irritation toward everyone and everything.

    Some food allergies are "anaphylactic" and thus fatal, such as my shellfish allergy, but there are these other allergies that just make you feel sick and irritable.

    So, maybe you could get tested some time? At least to rule out the possibility. :)

    I'm glad to hear you want to write more!

  6. thank you mitri :) i've been tested for anything serious with a not-so-lovely procedure i had in june. but as for the allergies its sort of a trial and error i guess :/ i was seeing a naturopath and i am starting to do that again next week so maybe that will help? xox

  7. I think the new format looks quite nice, I was trying to think of why it seems more different and I think the word for it is open…the page just seems more open…if that makes sense. I think I know what program you’re talking about since my computer has something the same or similar. xxx

  8. try to not be so hard on yourself - we are all works in progress. <3

    and don't worry about if your posts are negative or positive because they are REAL, HONEST, and the things that you need to be writing right now as you are on this journey. And I know there are people out there (me included) that benefit from your beautiful words ; )

    Be gentle with yourself and keep fighting ; )

  9. I read! Sorry ive been mia a lot lately. But i read =)

  10. thank you :) im going to go read yours now xox

  11. Don't apologize, you have every right to vent Jennifer. I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling sick to your stomach lately. I don't mean to scare you but if you think it's stress related, it could very well be an ulcer. My sister had one of those and her symptoms were the same.
    I relate a lot to getting stressed out by things "normal" people wouldn't stress out about. It's.. stressful.

    1. haylee :) hm it might be but i know i have severe anxiety issues at the moment. i've had testing done for any serious thing in my lower area/colon. but no ultrasound since i was like 13. i'll keep that in mind though so thanks lovie xox