Thursday, January 12, 2012

time for a little honesty


hey lovelies :):)

this morning, for breakfast, i had “apple pie oats” themed oatmeal :) i was quite excited, and attempted to sort of replicate the apple larabar (we call it apple in canada, not apple pie for legal/copyright/idk reasons)…

apple pie oatmeal

it was pretty yummy, but i find that apples lose their sweetness when cooked, so i don’t think they are a good addition to oats, but if you have ideas of how to do it properly please let me know, as the crispin apple i had washed was quite yummy fresh but not noticeable in the oats after they were cooked (i just wrote cookied. mmm cookies :P); in the mixture was:

mixture of old fashion large flake oats & bob’s red mill organic oatbran, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 chopped+peeled organic crispin apple (huge!), golden raisins, natural almonds, cooked in water in the microwave, with crystallized ginger and a touch of skim milk added after cooking :) i didn’t have walnuts, so the almonds were a lovely substitute there

so, today i had a revelation. well, not really. i sort of already was aware of this, but i suddenly felt like i needed to explain something. i want to be honest here, and i have been leaving out a few things which probably are contributing to my recent not so lovely health (mentally and physically), but i had chosen to keep certain things private because i’m embarrassed; also, this is public and i worry about who sees it. however, i’ve already gone ahead and shared more than i’d want anyone i know to read (or possibly any career-related people, which is quite risky i think) so i might as well continue on that path. i think i finally caved because i sort of would like support here, even though i know its highly unlikely that any of you suffer with the same thing, and probably don’t want much to do with it; i’m scared that you will all think i’m wacko, honestly. like, i would also think the same thing. hmmm what am i getting into here? i’m sure this is all very confusing but i will try to be more coherent..

okay, well, i know that i’ve mentioned my anxiety issues before. but perhaps i wasn’t that clear. i have a lot of anxiety. and fears, and phobias, and obsessiveness. i guess some of my behaviours and thoughts would classify as ocd, although i do not like that term, nor do i appreciate the stigma that it holds. i also hate how people say, oh god i have ocd, im so ocd (i used to say that too, so im just as guilty), and so on. i am terrified of throwing up. seriously, and im scared of anything associated with that. and i truly mean that i think about it all the time, almost. i used to be afraid occasionally, or when i was triggered. but those thoughts and fears are with me all the time now. as in, my anxiety is sky-high almost all the time, i guess i’m just living in a constant state of fear really. plus, i feel sick nearly all the time, i have horrid stomach symptoms which i will not go into detail now for your benefit. i’m terrified of sickness, germs, etc and i wash my hands a lot. my skin is always awful in the winter, just because of the usual dryness and weather, but it’s quite awful at the moment. largely due to lack of care. lately my anxiety and fears have become so severe that it’s just interfering with everything. part of the reason that i’m losing (or was losing) is due to this, not simply ed issues. however, i’m actually eating a lot more than i used to, and i would love to eat while enjoying it. it causes me so much panic that i’m often eating a bit, getting up and walking around, taking deep breaths, etc. i hate eating out, not simply because of the unknown calories and what not, but because i don’t know if the person preparing it is ill, i don’t know what they’re doing, i just don’t like people touching my things really. when i do eat out, as a challenge, it’s normally hell. but i used to love eating out! i thought it was special, magical, just lots of fun really. like a treat :) well now it’s like a punishment, really.


are you still there? im so sorry to leave something like this with you. i should have mentioned that this could be triggering, not that i think you might suffer with this (i know i’m not the norm at all here) but that the comments on eating and weight and the negativity that surrounds this post could be a bit of a downer.

im honestly so scared to post this, and i understand (sort of..) if you don’t want to read or don’t get it or just think that i’m mental. but i want you to be honest. i just feel like the biggest fuck-up because i’m struggling with nearly everything at the moment. and i can’t handle responsibility i guess, or any form of stress without it going straight to my stomach and making me literally terrified. and its nearly all the time now. right now i feel so sick and drained and unpleasant. and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. so i guess that means its partially anxiety? but i feel ill and im so worried about being sick, constantly. and im stressed out about the fact that i’m not going anywhere (positively), and im scared of everything, really. my parents also sort of see my doctor (therapist) and they are meeting with her again, on their own, tomorrow…i hate that they’re discussing me, it just makes me paranoid. i know i need to get better (with this but also physically and with ed stuff, even though she doesn’t focus on that, apart from the weight issue) but the pressure and anxiety that i also get from them (i know they care and i love that, and i know i really negatively affect them, i know that…partly because they tell me all the time) but saying it over and over doesn’t make me think, “oh okay wow i didn’t know that, i’ll make sure to stop being so retarded now”. it just makes me more guilty and more stressed and more hopeless. ugh lskdjflksdj honestly, i never thought i would become this ‘bad’. i legitimately feel as though i have no control over myself. not my body, especially not my mind, not my symptoms (stomach) which tend to cause me the most stress.

and one of the worst things is that i’m not young anymore, im fucking twenty-two. i mean, fuck jen get a grip. take some responsibility. suck it up. i know that most people my age are already working full time, and no one takes any crap like this. but it’s not that its simply stress. i know that people deal with that on a daily basis. but when its debilitating, painful, and interfering with everything, than is it okay to be struggling? i don’t think anyone needs to suffer with this, and it’s not as though i am simply lazy, don’t want responsibilities, don’t want to work. that is not the case at all. i deal with unpleasant things on a daily basis, and i know that life is hard. but this…i mean this is hell. it’s hell on earth, literally. and i really can’t do it anymore. i’ve tried getting help, i’ve tried sucking it up but it becomes too much and then i get scared again and stop trying to move forward. its like im in limbo and i have no way out it seems.

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn." -Gloria Steinem

well, there is is :/ i wish i could have delivered a better note but that’s all i really have for now. i attempted to make it short, but my thoughts are never really clear or concise, and they never have been. i also wanted to somehow describe it in a nicer way, but i think that’s impossible, really. instead, i’ve left you with a bunch of words, and a lot of negativity.

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe." -Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

i’m not trying to make people pity me though, i do realise that so many of us are dealing with our own concerns, troubles, struggles. please don’t think that i feel as though im a special case or whatever. i just wanted to stop pretending that my main concern surrounded eating, and weight, and everything that connects to that. however, i know that eating disorders are never solely about weight, i do realise that, and i don’t want to come off as ignorant. but for so long i just didn’t mention this, because it’s only become more of an issue in the last year or so, and i was embarrassed, and it just made sense to focus only on the eating thing, especially in this community, because that was something that we all shared, and all struggled with. and it just seemed easier that way, to be honest. ohhh, honesty. somehow i feel a bit better now, i’m not sure if i’m just in a bit of a daze, or what. but the weight on my chest isn’t as strong or heavy. that’s a slight relief :P i know it will come back though, as it always does. maybe all of this is something that i will need to live with, or just learn to adjust in some way.

"‘Because,’ she said, ‘when you’re scared but you still do it anyway, that’s brave.’" - Neil Gaiman, Coraline

i guess i sort of feel that way. i’m, in no way, challenging myself to the extent that others would hope for, but i do feel as though every day is a struggle, every minute sometimes. but i think that’s sort of what a lot of people feel, or maybe it’s not. the thing is, and i keep telling my mom this when she asks me if i’m trying, i feel as though i don’t necessarily shy away from all of the things that im scared of. mainly because i cannot, i mean i can’t avoid them. maybe i’d like to. so, in that retrospect, i do think that i keep doing things that scare me, but then i have to deal with the consequences afterward. and whatever it does to me. that’s when i get angry, because it all comes down to that. and i’m the one who has to deal with it in the end. it’s so much easier said from another point of view, and i have a lot of trouble trusting people because of this. i rarely trust myself, even. because if something goes wrong, well, that’s what im terrified of. yet, it is my life and only i can make it work. and everyone who has helped me has done it for me (and for themselves), so ultimately we’re all trying to make things better, right? it’s not like someone’s holding a gun to my head telling me to try harder. i want to, otherwise i guess i wouldn’t be here. maybe that’s wrong, to say that. maybe i should just stop talking :P i think i will, but i promise that i won’t keep doing this, and that i will return with something happy, for once. because you all deserve that, you really do.


  1. I'm really glad you shared this with us. It is nothing to be ashamed of, or to fear. I believe nothing in the human condition is impossible to overcome, and by overcoming I don't mean "all wonderfully rainbows & glitter cured" but at least reasonably managed.

    Obviously I'm not a doctor or anything... but to me it sounds like your fears/phobias ABOUT illness, which feel very intense and real to you, are what make you feel physically ill. Then, because you begin to feel physically ill, you become even more afraid. It is a vicious cycle. I know how it feels a little.. for example, the past few days, I was extremely anxious about a very important meeting with a potential boss, something that could greatly benefit my career if I was good enough on my first impression... for 3 days, I felt extremely weak, fatigued. I didn't want to get up from the couch. I began to feel hopeless, like I'd never feel any better. I thought I must be dreadfully ill.

    The day I went to the meeting, it turned out to be a great success... I was so relieved. I instantly felt lighter, and hopeful. The next day (today) I felt amazingly energetic. I guess you could say my anxiety manifested itself through bodily aches, and that in turn made me feel even more negative about myself.

    I know that is not quite what you are going through, but I hope you see you are not completely alone.

    I also know a friend of my boyfriend, and he is EXTREMELY wary of germs/illness. He will not come over if either of us are slightly under the weather. He brings hand sanitizer everywhere he goes. He covers our toilet seat, though newly cleaned, with layers of toilet paper so he does not have to touch a single thing. He washes his hands all the time. He will not share food with anyone, not even his wife. (Once, he took a pickle off his hamburger and set it down on his plate. His wife wanted to eat the pickle and reached for it. He freaked out and told her not to because "she would get sick.")

    He does all this stuff because he is obsessed with avoiding germs. Do my bf and I think he's crazy? No. Everyone's got their own things to deal with. We wouldn't think you are "crazy" either!

    As for your dry hands... I have a lot of new, unopened Burt's Bees products like hand lotion. :) Perhaps I could send you some!

    1. oh my god my reply just deleted. and it was long :/ ohh well. but thank you so much for this :) i know other people with the same fears, so in that sense i know that im not totally alone, but its always unique to each person. like theres a forum online, and i used to go there and post like crazy becuase i was frekaing out all the time. and it wasn't great, i mean i try not to go on there. your boyfriend's friend, ah the pickle thing sounds exactly like what i would do, seriously :) im so glad you had a good meeting though! i hope it turns out well, but i'm sure it will. ive had that before, but lately it doesn't go away, like the panic is almost constant. for washing its not like i randomly do it, its after coming inside, before eating and preparing, after washroom, in between food preps but i guess its more than i used to since my hands are not looking good. and yes, cream! i need to cream more, i have a lot and it helps but ultimately its just cutting back that will make them heal a bit i think. im rambling though, but i really appreciate this :) xox

    2. I’m glad you were so honest… I wish I knew something helpful to say exactly, but I understand a bit of where you are coming from. I’m twenty two as well… and feel completely lost and compared to everyone else I know my age… way behind and it’s frustrating because I get it all the time from people that life is hard and I know that… but for some reason I’m experiencing it on a completely different level… if that makes sense. I could probably ramble on more about anxiety, phobias and fears but I’m not sure if I’d every make much sense out of it.
      On a more positive note… I love apple oats! I know exactly what you mean about apples losing their sweetness when cooked so my solution has been to not cook the apples in with the oats, usually I just put a bit of the apple at the bottom of the bowl before I put the oats on top and then apple pieces on top of the oats so that they still have their flavor. Hopefully that helps.
      Take care Jen, you’re not alone in this and definitely not a wacko. xxx

    3. thank you calla :) im sure your 'rambling' would make sense to me though, i often think im making sense and i realise that no one gets me. so i appreciate this. and apple oats, yes that sounds like a good idea, like adding it on top. i might try that! xox

  2. Hey, it is okay. I suffer from an ED, too, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure, and that goes the same for you. The very fact that you have posted about it, admitted you are struggling, is the first step to beating this demon. Age doesn't matter in a situation like this; you becoming healthy is.

    Don't feel afraid to post this sort of thing on your blog. This is where you post what you want to, not what you feel you have to.

    Think about this, one day you will be recovered. It will be amazing. But don't forget the journey, because that's one of the most important parts.

    I hope you will be okay. You will pull through no matter what. If you can think to yourself: "Okay, I can do this. One step at a time, and one day I will be all right."

    Just hold on, and you will make it. You deserve it. :)

    P.S have you tried mixing dried fruit, like raisins or sultanas, with the apple in the porridge?

    1. oh derp you had already mixed in golden raisins.
      i can read, really, i can!

    2. aha that's okay, i didn't put a lot though. i am used to putting banana (cooking with it) in oats so maybe im just accustomed to that flavour? it doesn't make it sweet all the way through (like adding a sweetener does) but its yummm :P xox

  3. There was a period of time when the only thing I'd eat was oatmeal... I can tell you that if you don't mind BAKED apples, they taste remarkably yummy in oatmeal. When you bake apples its like they create this glaze/juice... that is sweet.

    Also, I'm not sure why you're embarrassed by that? I think a LOT of people have high anxiety... If this tells you something... I have an eating disorder but am not afraid of gaining weight (I want to)... yet have a huge issue doing so, because of anxiety... anxiety from stuff as simple as having a "full" day or choosing what to eat.

    I found out this past week that my brother-in-law has high anxiety too.... I think it's just that we as a society do NOT talk about it... so we feel alone in it.

    You're not alone...

    1. well, mine isn't just anxiety. it's a bit obvious (at least for my family) that the issues are more severe, and you can tell. plus the phobia and habits are not common like other anxiety issues. but i know that other people do suffer from their own kind of pain, so i'm trying to realise that, yet i also need to except that what i'm doing is not okay. thank you so much for this though xox

    2. I gathered from what you wrote that it was more severe than "just anxiety," but I still don't think it's anything to be ashamed of...

      I do, however, understand, how you might feel shame and you're allowed to feel that. I guess I'm just trying to say that you don't have to... That it's okay to be where you are at present. To be dealing with hard things. To be struggling with hard things.

      Sorry if I'm not making any sense.

    3. the extent of the phobia (and what thoughts i have, etc) is what i was referring to. but i do understand what you're saying and i appreciate that :)

  4. Jen, sharing this on your blog, should be anything to be ashamed of, may I just point out, its YOUR blog, therefore you are entitled to say anything you wish, its up to other people whether they read the content or not, and sometimes its so good to write how you truly feel down, because there could be people who relate to you, and it feels like you are less alone.
    Like Mitri said your fears sound like fearing illness, which is something I strongly struggle with as well, so I want to reassure you, that you are not the only one, there are other people out there who feel just the same as you do, except alot of the time they do not speak about it, for fear of being judged. So I think its great that you have openly spoke about it, and it takes alot of courage to do that, and you should be really proud of yourself.
    I mean Im not a doctor but what helped me alot was to go on medication, I usually hate taking medication, but there are a life saver for me, to live my life without those physical feelings you get from anxiety, because for me, I was so anxious that I felt like I was dying which made me anxious even more, so take away the physical symptoms and I feel alot more relaxed and im not able to rationalize those irrational thought processes you get.

    I hope this kind of helps ;/

    Sending you massive hugs
    J xxx
    I can totally relate to you with regards to your anxiety, and I was having constant fears, and alongside came physical symptoms which only accentuated my anxieties.

    1. :) it does help, a lot :D thank you xox