Saturday, January 14, 2012

wishing & hoping...

hey lovelies :):)

another post? why, yesss, of course!

i feel more motivated than ever right now, but i know it won't last long. that's okay, i find that i just have to go with it and make the best of the little moments when i feel sort of happy. lately i've been feeling an urge to write much more often, whereas before it was forced and sort of controlled, planned. it's really odd and it comes randomly. sort of like the waves of sadness. however it never lasts long :/ so i always try to grasp it and keep it for as long as i can.

this morning i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal!

in the mixture was shredded wheat, plain cheerios, banana, natural almonds, chopped natural pecans,
golden raisins, topped with cinnamon&ginger and some milk :)

it was wonderful. i feel really hungry now though, which is scaring me. it like pain/sick feeling and i had a snack but i don't know why i would be hungry, i had enough breakfast...? now im sipping some lovely bigelow peppermint tea mmm love peppermint tea so much :)

in my mom's old espoire (hope in french) mug by avon, for breast cancer (see the pink ribbon?)

im feeling slightly nervous as my parents are meeting with my doctor/therapist alone today. i was sort of invited, but i have experience with the family therapy thing, it just doesn't always work out the best and its very stressful. so i know she will tell them everything and they will, in turn, tell my everything. so its fine for them to meet alone. i just fear that things will be planned, put into place, that i have no control over and that im terrified of doing. so i'll hear about all of that tonight when i go home :/ ohhh god i really hope nothing is planned without my consent. i realise im over 18 but since my parents are partially paying for me (some things anyway) it doesn't matter. and even though i've graduated from uni with a degree, well i've failed to get a full time job or career-related employment and it's been since the early fall really. so that scares me just a tiny bit...

evey pumpkin loves them as well

i think the pb and it's sisters (or brothers) are some of the best flavours. that and the cookie dough which i tried (still not in canada though, pour quois larabar???) and i loved. i don't like cashew for some reason, it doesn't taste like cashews but like bacon or brocolli or something not quite right. but this only had salt as the difference (and chocolate chips) and i normally could do without chocolate in a larabar. it's a mystery, i tell you...

well! i'm off to have some lunch, clean up, etc and get my act together. i will talk to you all later, and i hope your weekend goes swimmingly



  1. hey jennifer, i totally know what you mean about having glimpses of motivation... today actually was like that for me too. i've done really well, and I so badly want it to last but...well as you know, it usually doesn't. still even one day or two or a week is a victory. keep holding on to what you have :) and i will too!

    1. thank you katie :) i hope the good feelings come back today for you, & stay strong xoxox

  2. ahh, another post so soon ;P I love it. and I'm glad you are feeling like you have more to say/are able to say it but I'm sorry I haven't been able to keep up. I sort of took an unintended break from blogging and I missed my chances to post on your older posts. oh well. I hope your parents meeting with your therapist went well. Don't stress. love you xxo

    1. i love YOU! don't apologize, you were just living life & having fun :) xox

  3. I hope the meeting goes well and all turns out beneficial for you! And don't get discouraged about not finding a full-time job yet... when my brother graduated from a good university with a degree in economics, he could not find a "real, full-time" job for over a year. He worked part-time at a retail store in the meantime, but it was demoralizing for him because none of his coworkers had worked for a college degree or anything. He felt trapped. But he kept trying... maybe it was even 2 years... and eventually he got an ideal job for him, great pay, great location in downtown Dallas, etc. :) It takes time nowadays... just never give up!

    1. yea but its the lack of independence, money, stress on my parents type of thing. but thank you mitri it means a lot xox

  4. Hey girl :)

    Im glad you had a nice brekkie! Don't stress that you are hungry sooner than you thought, happens to us all...Enjoy you're peppermint tea!
    I hope the appointment with you're parents went well. I wonder, and i hope i am not assuming or presuming anything here, but have you ever considered inpatient help or at least more intensive care for you're anxiety? When i was IP for my anorexia, i was in a psych hospital and i was allowed got to sessions from a different part of the hospital which tackled despression and anxiety particularly. I found them very helpful, really i did. i just want you to know that there is nothing shameful about reaching out if you are unhappy, because i know anyway that living under a cloud of anxiety and ocd "rules" is no way to live! Its horrible, suffocating.
    i really hope you are well. Love you're writing, as usual :)


    1. :) i felt better later on thank you! yes, well the ip thing its been discussed, but canada is bit different as we have health care so we dont pay for treatment centers as they dont exist i don't think, so it would be a hospital setting, mixed age group, people with varied mental illnesses. i hope i can avoid that. im also seeing a doc one on one regularly + she knows about these conditions so im trying :) thank you so much love and i hope you're doing well xox