"it is not said enough, so i'll say it again: the world is a good place, full of good people, and when we act out of that, when we act out of hope, and optimist, and faith in our fellow human, we act out of our best selves, and we are capable of doing great things, and of contributing to the greater good.hope and optimist are non synonymous with naivety. we should be looking to the future with flinty and steely eyes, for sure, but they should be wide open with ope, not squinting in fear.Ask, and it shall be given you;Seek, and ye shall find;Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.if it is evildoers you seek, you will find them aplenty; if it is enemies you want, they are there too. but if you want the truth, the truth is this: blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. "
- (9 September 2008; "safe places" from Stuart McLean's The Vinyl Cafe Notebooks)-
i wish i could write like that. im not one to put down something so...hopeful, but when i read that it just made me stop. and i looked at it again. i read it aloud. i saved the page in my book, and kept reading.
this post was drafted a long time ago. i thought about creating another one today, but decided to check back here to see if there was anything 'pending'...and there were quite a few! i guess i had some odd thoughts, some posts that i had started which were weird, or triggering, or just not right. but, here i am :) i wasn't sure if i'd ever be able to write here again, but i don't think i'd want to delete this. it would be like erasing history and, not matter how awful some of the posts are, it would feel like deleting a part of me, and a part of my hard work (again, i mean it felt like hard work to me!)
i'm happy that i found this draft, because i haven't thought about this book in a while, or the quote. the cbc (a major canadian broadcast network...which i am absolutely in love with, by the way) has a show on the weekends usually called, 'the vinyl cafe'. it is hosted by stuart mclean, who is quite lovely ;) i usually listed to radio 1, which is a bunch of news, but also has programs throughout the day that i really enjoy. i love the voices on the radio, and love listening to certain people speak. but this particular show, or podcast (? im not good with technicalities obviously) is much more light-hearted, funny, uplifting. and stuart mclean has compiled a few books about the stories he tells on the show. often he takes real stories, and listeners and viewers can write in to him: "they have to be true stories, and they have to be short stories. and, after that, well, after that it's up to you..." this book was a compilation of his own stories and memories, though. anyway! enough about stuart...
hello and good afternoon :) it's the end of august. craziness. and it's nearly september. the leaves are (sort of..) changing, and autumn is approaching. i miss you all, im not quite sure what that means. i miss myself, i miss life. fun, good, normal life. my life hasn't been good or fun or normal lately. but i guess no ones' life is, really. im in a negative place and i can't seem to get out of it :/ i need some support, and reading blogs has always provided me with some inspiration. furthermore, meeting people through this 'community' has been quite amazing as well, though it has only happened once, though i do talk, chat and write to a lot of people. not so much lately, but everyone is busy and involved with other things i guess.
|morning coffee & 'anne of green gables' at the cottage|
i have wanted to take more photos, not just of food but of life. however, i think i need to be keeping track of what im eating a bit more. that seems impossible to me, because it's nearly all i think about. the fat, the calories not so much (sometimes, but not exclusively)...more-so how it will make me feel, if i'll get sick, why im feeling so shitty pun completely intended, nauseated, fucking sick sick sick. blahh :/ i hate it. i really hate my life right now but i think i just hate myself right now. more than i ever have. reading over this just makes me so angry...who is this person? why is she such a fucking downer. get it together. i say that all the time, but im serious this time. because it will never get better unless i make it better, i think so anyway...
i went to the ROM today with my family, but just wanted to go for a short while. doing this was a bit of a step i guess, though that sounds ridiculous. but i still felt so angry while i was out, irritated by everything. i could blame part of it on physical feelings, lack of sleep, my own stupidity (im lowering meds and im a complete idiot and i think i ended up taking the regular amount last night, so that meant i was back and forth and might end up messing my digestive system up even more, like yesterday was hell and idk what will happen...) anyway, i am so controlling and rigid yet i forget and fuck up with something like that. i clearly have no responsibility. anyway, i realised this while we were looking at one exhibit. the experience there was nice, still, and i haven't been in a museum or art gallery since MOMA last october ;( but i just get frustrated that i cannot even try to enjoy myself.
so, although i talk the talk. i will try to be more positive. at least im catching myself though, right? but often when i feel so shitty it almost feels better to be negative, and to mope, and be irritating, does that even make sense? its like this self-loathing thing or something but it's completely destructive and counter-productive. but it seems to be a better option than turning the situation around and trying to see the light. not that it's less effort to change, but i mean it just feels better somehow. you know when you feel awful, and things keep going wrong, and you're like, "okay come ON are you fareeaking kidding me???" and keep listing every single shitty thing that's just happened? i hope im not the only one that's done that. but it's a similar feeling i think. but i am going to try to turn around somewhat. and i hate how this post became negative, because i started it on a whim, and i was suprisingly motivated and upitty ;P is that a word? i'd never think that it would describe me aha...