Sunday, October 28, 2012

a time for change..

 hello…is anybody out there? if so, hi. (otherwise i’ll just continue to talk to myself, which is okay because i do it a lot).

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i’m not entirely sure why i have stayed away, except for the fact that i couldn’t think of what to share, and had nothing great to share. it’s weird, and sad for me…just that this community that i once knew has come apart. i know there are still so many people writing out there, but i don’t know them, and they don’t know me. so i don’t feel as though i belong.

it’s like, i don’t know who i am in real life. and on here (which is still real to me, by the way, even though its the internet) i don’t know, i stopped writing here because i had no point. i started out trying to be recovery/breakfast/’lovelyyahhh’ blog but mostly as an excuse to connect with other girls that i had followed and felt so connected with. and luckily i was able to do so, for a bit. and then i started getting worse myself, mentionally/emotionally and physically and just felt like a fraud, and even more confused about myself. then people stopped writing publically, and a whole bunch of new people came and i just didn’t know them and did not write or deal with similar things, i guess. and even now, i love tumblr. i used to love it because you didn’t have to write, you didn’t have to explain why you wanted to put down certain images, it felt wonderful, so free. but now i see these recovery ‘blogs’ (i only put it in quotations because i always refer to tumblrs as tumblrs, and blogs i just reserve for wordpress/blogspot, etc) but i guess im not really up with things at the moment. because i do love to read and connect with these individuals yet my tumblr isn’t for that. sometimes i write random things that are just bursting out of me, and it seems more anonymous (i fucking hope it is, anyway, besides those that i know through there)….but now im struggling with that, what to put down, why do i have one, what am in doing? and then…well, then i just look at all of this shit and realise that im so stupid, none of this matters and i need a life. i need to get a fucking move on.

and even though i know that no one will see this, i feel at home here posting these thoughts because it’s what i used to do. and it’s mine i guess. i feel odd writing too much in the open, or on tumblr because no one really knows me and it doesn’t go with the rest of my stuff. its like, image, image, quote, image, woahhh suicidal rant here :O …image, image, quote, …and so on.

i don’t do well with change, and wish that, in a sense, the people i used to know were still here. but then that would bring back the past, and all the nasty things that came along with it. plus, part of the reason that people stop writing (publically) is because they’re doing well! and how can i resent that? i don’t! i just want a friend, a connection. even if its not deemed ‘healthy’ to be close with someone dealing with the same things for fear that one will bring the other down, or up maybe? who knows…i feel like im just at a standstill. not getting better. and certainly not doing well. i mean, im moving along i guess but not at the pace that i should be. i never, ever, …ever thought that i’d be this “bad”, so to say, a few years, or five years ago. if someone told me what my life would be like i’d be embarrassed, maybe a bit terrified of what awaits me. which is sort of how i feel right now. but i do feel ashamed though, i should be more independent and i should not be letting the things that i struggle with bring me down. i’m mostly responsible for messing things up.

but this wasn’t supposed to be so depressing! ahh…i can’t get away i guess ;) if anyone does remember me, or read this, or just happens to glance, thank you and i would love to know how you’re doing. sincerely…i honestly care about you so, so, so much.

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and because i started off my blog with my love for breakfasts…a toasted coconut-banana-ginger oat breakfast from a little while ago.

oh! im taking another university course (as a continuing education student, since i finished my undergrad) and it is called, ‘generating stories part 1’. it's a bit of a creative writing course, which i haven’t been a part of in a while. probably since high school and, even then, i was mostly writing essays and various independent and book/novel-related papers. we actually have to read out what we write  :o as in…really and truly. it’s a bit scary, i mean my writing can be shiitiitlsjdljkt. so i have no where to hide unless i want to make a fool out of myself. we shall see…

anyway, hope this became something of a post. i hope i’m back sometime. who knows..and i hope that anyone reading this is doing well, and whether or not you are…please just say hi sometime ;P im pretty lonely. if that wasn’t clear. lots of love xoxox

13 comments:

  1. hi jen,

    i used to be a part of the blog community way back when. i don't blog any more. i think it is mainly because i feel like i "should" be better by now. i should be further along. i should be able to sit down and eat and gain the weight. but i am not there yet, either. i know it can be a pretty lonely place, so i just wanted to reach out and say that i am reading. i understand. and i am rooting for you...

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    1. hey hadden :) thank you so much. where did you blog/what was it? unless you don't want to say, i understand. thank you so much for this, you're really kind and this was helpful to read xox

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  2. I still read. :) And look for your posts.

    I agree that often people leave blogs because they are doing so well that they no longer feel they need that outlet. But I will also say that I think a lot of people actually leave blogging BECAUSE they are not doing well... like you said, sometimes we think we should "be better" by now like "the others," but we aren't. so we just hide it away, either by ignoring the subject on our blog altogether (like "healthy living" or "fashion" or other blogs), forgoing blogs completely, or writing our struggles between the lines of poetry. ;)

    I enjoy reading what you write, even if it is sad. It gives me a glimpse of who you are, and it helps me realize that I'm not entirely alone in my head... that other people feel and think things like I do. So, just write what you want, whatever you want, anytime you want. You'll at least have 1 reader here!

    Hope you feel better soon

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    1. mitri you're the best :) and i love reading yours, you are an amazing writer. i do agree with the blogger thing, yet it makes me sad still. when people say that they need to stop in order to get healthy...maybe it reinforces the idea that its not healthy to write and blog about food-related things, something i don't want to believe but might be true. xox

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  3. Hey!
    I wish you would write more. I get notified of your posts via bloglovin. I want to know what you mean by never thought you would be this bad, what help you're getting or what help you need. I hope you don't feel embarrassed. You know writing the real, raw stuff helps others experiencing the same/similar things feel less alone & less crazy.

    I don't know if you have an iphone but there is an app called Recovery Record. Sometimes it can be triggering because it involves recording meals, but you also get these emails with messages from others, and they remind you that you're not alone.

    I really like the picture at the beginning!

    - shannon

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    1. hey shannon, thank you and regarding meals/food i am recording and increasing and its a bit triggering, but partially i was doing it to record symptoms and a possible link to foods, but also i had to pay more attention to calories and what not, its hard because i think about so much, like whether its going to make me sick, whats in it, fat, calories, fiber, etc and its overwhelming but ignoring is not a good thing either. and i am seeing someone for some things, so im not just walking around without any support or anything, im just not doing well because of, well me i guess. thank you for this, though xox

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  4. I know you don't know me, but I just want to say I'm reading. I enjoy your posts and was happy to see a new one.

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  5. Hello there love,
    Ahhh. Where to begin. I feel like that with the blog community too, but really, the only thing permanant is change, i have found. And the only way to change something you are truly unhappy with is to change it.

    I never left the blog world. Blogging has amost become part of me. Its creative, its fun, its something that helps me recognize things in my life i need to address. It feels like an artistic journal for me, because even though i am exposing myself i still need to be deliberate with my wording because people DO read it, albeit only a few.

    I stopped my recovery blog because a) it was holding me back from truly recovering and b) i was angry at myself for what my life had become: obsessed, depressed, and falling apart.

    I am slowly realizing that i cant erase my past, because it is part of me, but i can chose the way it shapes me.

    The world is a crazy place but remeber that the ONLY thing you have is the present moment.

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    1. hey love, i've always read your posts. from each time you moved from blog to blog, or created another. like when you had three at once or something ;P crazy girl, lol but i admire that. thank you so much for this, i hope you're okay, and having a good holiday. i've read your other post and was not aware of the changes, and what's going on (but obviously that's good because it's none of my business) but i hope things are much better now xox

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    ReplyDelete