Saturday, December 8, 2012

i miss you

 

hello there :) so, im suffering from extreme sadness & withdrawal from this, from blogging on an actual blog, not tumblr. i miss everyone. i miss the past, i miss you. i miss myself, which is odd because i usually hate myself. im not sure, but i think i want to start posting more, yet i can’t see that happening. clearly im not quite sure what’s going on.

to explain, well, i drafted this post a very, very long time ago, not knowing when or if i’d post it. i used to do this but i’d post pretty soon after. i would plan out my posts so much, so controlled, and they weren’t natural. then i started posting less often but doing them spontaneously…and now i guess its a melange of the two? yea i think so.

cold cereal & cottage-time

and i just like to torture myself by looking back i guess. i used to take photos of breakfast! although i have had something sort of similar lately, almonds (& walnuts and pepitas…oh my!) & bananas & milk & wheat squares & other cereals…shredded wheat mmm, life cereal! i fucking love life (cereal…and hopefully i’ll love life soon…) & other flake cereals, oats (love extra-thick bob’s red mill) & creamy brown rice cereal…just stuff,  nothing too special ;)

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i think this is brown rice porridge (?…because i don’t have oatbran here and that’s what it could be) with raw almonds, cinnamon/ginger, banana and a tbsp nature’s path org pomegranate-cherry-almond granola!

…i decided i want to continue writing this post, even though there may be no one reading. i thought i was done with this, but i realise that i have this urge to post my thoughts which is pretty self-centered and absorbed. i really just miss reading blogs, and relating to other people, in a sense it was probably a negative influence on me. and it made me more of a recluse, more longing for my younger self, or a different self, i also would look to other girls and want to be more like them (something i’ve always, always, always done…never happy at all with myself)…but i would ignore that part and just convince myself that i was being influenced positively by these posts because they were helping me get healthier. i still think they did that…but, as with most things in life, it was a mash of the two (positive/negative). i think that’s fine, i mean fuck life is not without triggers (i hate that word actually…i feel like im using it as a crutch, wanting people to tip-toe around me, not say anything too harsh or what not, i mean everything could be triggering, really)…i understand that some people might find that people or writings or photos hinder their recovery, of course it makes sense not to focus on that. for a little while. but not forever, you need to be out there, you need to know how to life and move through life amongst these ‘triggers’ and either be influenced by them, or not. or both (positively or negatively). am im making any sense? probably not. but i do have a point, i promise ;)

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and this morning’s breakfast of cold cereal: shredded wheat, original life & nature’s path org spelt flakes w cinnamon/ginger, raw almonds, sliced banana & toasted wheat germ. and milk! (peppermint-fennel-ginger tea on the side…)

anyway…okay, i need to be really honest here. well, i don’t know if i have to, but if anyone reads. and i want to know, i mean i have these doubts but im not sure if they’re true, or if it’s simply my parents/family/friends saying it to make me gain and what not. but (now this is embarrassing please don’t me mean) but besides a part-time film internship and plenty of interviews, i haven’t really been working yet since graduating. like, successfully working continuously, i’ve had little things here and there. and, in my defence (if i have any defence here lol) i’ve been working on many other things, half-ass looking i guess because at the back(no front..) of my mind i’ve been focusing on so many things and my mind and life are sort of chaotic…but yes besides that i really have no defence. so, do you think physical appearance really hinders your chance for getting work? i mean, if i’m being interviewed and i try to be positive, list what i’ve done, strengths, be very open, follow up afterward, etc. can they not chose someone because they don’t look that healthy? first off, im not saying i look really thin and i am not at all, but im quite a bit lower than i have been before, and i’m quite a bit below the standard “healthy” bmi, and i’m not sure if people are ever denied work for being either overweight or underweight. but either that or im just stupid or somehow am having so much trouble finding work. i don’t mean jobs that are higher up in the career scale, i mean these positions are not even close to what i aspire to do, i just want to get out there and back in the work field. and i feel so sick and ashamed that i haven’t been working steadily at all since graduating from a four-year ba, it;s as though i did that for nothing? and i don’t know anyone else my age (especially in my family) that is in such a place right now. it’s embarrassing, for my family too (my parents are ashamed, i know it)…but i guess i just need thoughts. i keep denying that it has anything to do with weight because i’m not very thin at all, and i see people much thinner working, so that doesn’t make sense. i have a ton of fears and anxieties and reserves about working, yet i’m trying to keep that to myself and i don’t think i’ve said anything of the sort to someone interviewing me…so i just can’t get anything. and i didn’t used to fail so much, i feel as if i’m a complete fucking waste. i remember finding a job in like a couple days both summers after returning from university like a few years ago. but yet, i can’t do that now?

wow…honestly what a shit hole this post is aha. i just need to figure out what all of this means, even if i end up doing that myself. i’ve never gone into so much detail about that though, and eating. i don’t even know if anyone is reading this, but i have increased quite a bit. already, my intake wasn’t low in the slightest, just a bit lower than it had been but i honestly cannot remember ever consciously eating such a high amount as i aim for now. it feels ‘wrong’. like i’m sure i could have eaten more than this in the past without counting, or trying to eat a tiny bit and ending up eating way more, etc. but never writing it down and saying, okay it has to be this. i even feel scared writing this down, like it will somehow backfire, because i have a history of messed up eating and poor eating patterns and like restricting and eating when i didn’t want to, and just feeling as though i have no control, my body decides to gain and it does. so a large (eh, punny?) part of me is terrified that this will happen. i don’t want to seem like i am in control of what i have or what i do because i feel as though (and i know this sounds immature) things just happen to me, bad things…and i can’t stop them. phhfff! long, long, long. i need to write this, i mean maybe i don’t? why do i feel the need to share this with other people, is it just this sick self-absorption? if i talk to my parents or friends who’ve had eds or not, they worry that its obsessive and either don’t understand or automatically place the comments into a “disordered” pile, just sort of assume that im irrational, when what i’m saying might actually make sense sometimes? and my parents hear one bit and are simple like, you must be this, it’s not okay, you have a problem, you’re not doing well, and the reason for any failed attempt at life basically is placed on my weight, on my issues with food and sickness and anxiety (which could be true..) and i absolutely do not expect them (or anyone really) to understand or sympathize, so their concern or anger is fully justified (though i can talk to my mom a bit easier, but it makes her really upset)…anyway. i shouldn’t be confiding in my parents like they’re my bffs its pathetic :/ but they are my support at the moment, they always have been of course (both financially and emotionally, etc) but i mean i hate no one, really, besides a few close friends…and only like one (or maybe a few) know what’s going on and i’ve hardly seen anyone lately.

but it hasn’t been complete shit aha…it seems so, doesn’t it? i feel like im moving forward in some ways, and always challenging. but it’s not enough. i’m just becoming even more scared of my (lack of..) future and i’m getting older, time is going by, and i’m just not doing what i need to do, i’m not obtaining any of the goals that mattered so much to be as a child.

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lskjdlfkjdslfkj!!! ahh, so sorry. today we’re having some company (it’s just my cousin and his fiancĂ©e) for dinner, they’re both very sweet and his mom is the aunt that died last summer ;( but i was going to bake muffins this weekend and realised we have lots of carrots expiring in a day or so, and i can therefore bake an old favourite. i wanted to include the recipe but this post is long-enough as it is…bah, whatever. it’s from one of our Anne Lindsay cookbooks. love her books, she’s a canadian author and creates healthy recipes; the books are usually sponsored by either the Canadian Heart&Stroke Foundation, or diabetes (so the newer ones include like splenda and other sweeteners which we never have). but this is a ‘Cinnamon-Carrot-Raisin’ bread and i used to bake it all the time. i would actually crate all the carrots by hand and then found it too much (baha im so lazy) however we have a food processor so i can use this :)…

Anne Lindsay’s “Cinnamon Carrot Raisin Bread”

Source: Lighthearted Everyday Cooking by Anne Lindsay

1 cup raisins
3/4 cup all-purpose flour (or all ww, i used quick oats in place of this)
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp each baking soda and baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
3 tbsp vegetable oil
3/4 cup low fat yogurt (again often i put more yogurt/use a bit of nut butter for oil but this is best)
1/2 cup packed brown sugar (you can use like 1/4-1/3 if you want it less sweet)
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup finely shredded carrot

Topping:
1 tbsp rolled oats
1 tbsp oat bran

(i used pepitas/pumpkin seeds instead)

Combine flours, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg,
baking soda, baking powder, salt and raisins; set aside

In large bowl, beat egg until fluffy; beat in oil.  Mix in yogurt, sugar
and vanilla; stir in carrot.  Add flour mixture; stir until combined.
Pour into greased and foil or waxed paper-lined 8x4-inch (1.5L) loaf
pan.

Cook for about 50-55 min or so and enjoy :)

ending on a positive note, hope i write again sometime, and if anyone is out there i wish you the best and i’m thinking of you (i think and care about so many of you quite often, even if we don’t talk anymore…)

xoxox jennifer

8 comments:

  1. Lovely Jen, I am of course here, still reading and I do hope you right again. So much of what you said resonates with things going on in my own head… I wish I could articulate more of what I’d like to say…

    I understand completely about the job difficulties… having been in the exact situation (graduated with 4 year BA)… and I know on some level that I am completely capable to handle a real professional higher up sort of job, but have only been able to land myself in a low retail position…. I don’t know why it is exactly… and maybe it is partially the masking of oneself to appear hirable that they can see through. I don’t know, I know it’s difficult out there. I’ll be hoping for the best for you though…

    And I don’t believe writing on a blog is necessary self-absorbed, in a way it is a conversation. You share something and someone can share something in return (if that makes any sense).

    I’m here if you ever what to chat or something… I truly hope things do get better for you. Take care.
    Hope you have/had fun with the baking. xxx calla

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    1. calla, thank you for this comment :) i hope you're doing well. the baking was okay, i think the bread turned out okay. hoping for the best in every way for you as well xoxox

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  2. Nice expression in that photo ;)

    - shannon

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  3. I had trouble getting a job, despite my degree(s!) too. My 4-year BA was originally in Writing/Rhetoric, but when I transferred schools I didn't have that option, so it became "Humanities." I enjoyed my coursework, but of course 'humanities' does not have the same employer appeal as "business," etc. Even then, my brother had a 4-year degree in Economics from a prestigious school and he could not get any job other than retail at Macy's for over a year or two. He had to live at home with us for quite awhile, and only in probably the past year did he get his first "real" job.

    I don't know how it is in Canada, but it is so hard to get any full-time professional job straight out of college here because of the recession, state of politics, etc. It's like a BA is the new high school diploma. Employers are cutting corners so tight because of government regulation, etc, they are afraid to hire too many new people when they can barely maintain their own.

    I applied for jobs toward the end of my BA--never heard anything back. If I had, I might not have gone to graduate school, but I chose to go to graduate school "just in case." I think my getting a graduate degree did give me a little bit of an upper edge in job applications, but not much... I am LUCKY to have finally landed a full-time job, even though its salary pays me significantly less than my education supposedly should have given me. And it's not in my graduate field. I also happen to live in 1 of the few cities in the U.S. that has the greatest economic growth (take that, everyone who hates Texas), so it is easier to find a job here than other places, especially compared to the northeast.

    Do I think your being significantly underweight affects your job chances?... maybe. I don't know how prevalent it is, but I do know discrimination toward both ends of the weight spectrum exists. So many companies have "health programs" now in which they make their employees take diagnostic health tests not just for their heart health etc but for their BMI 'n such as well; that way they can prove their employees are healthy for less expensive insurance. At your low weight, you might be seen as a health liability. Same goes for really overweight people--they're going to "cost" more, so companies develop wellness programs to encourage weight loss. I have seen it through my dad's company.

    Both my brother and I applied for hundreds of jobs and NEVER heard anything back from 99% of them. The other 1% was one of those terrible mass rejection e-mails. I've only had 2 job offers: one to be a freaking preschool teacher (which required NO education whatsoever) and the one I have now. This is the result of at least 2, if not 3, years of job applications.

    Sorry this is long, kinda rambling... just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone on that front. My brother & I both lived with and depended on my parents through that tough phase of job-searching. And neither of us really had any local friends or anything. But it gets better, a lot better... all you can do is keep trying, be really proactive. :/

    If you ever want to talk more about it or have questions, just let me know!

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    1. mitri you're amazing, this was so helpful. not in the "oh glad im not the only one struggling" but because you are so intelligent (im assuming both you are your brother are) and i know you are strong in so many areas, so i guess it makes me feel as though perhaps im not such a failure lol ;P it wasn't quite as bad here, in terms of the recession (well it was, i mean just before i graduated i guess) but it's still not good at all. so im not sure exactly how it compares to the states, i live in a major city though...i guess its a good thing for opportunities but there is a lot of competition, though i guess that's the same anywhere. anyway, thank you for this...i hope you're doing well and congratulations on the full-time job, that's incredible :) xoxox

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  4. Wow Jennifer, I can relate to this post soo much. Even though I gained so much weight in treatment, I still have that fear that I won't be able to get a job because of my body (it used to be because of the weight thing but now it's more a hair and arm thing). But ya the whole getting old, growing up, meeting life goals and all of that really really scare me too, you're definitely not alone. You're also NOT being self-absorbed by posting this, like by any stretch of the world. Seriously don't ever think think, because its good to get things out like this. I'm no therapist but it just seems like whenever I get my feelings out somewhere, it always helps me.

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    1. haylee! thank you so much, i hope you're doing okay. i appreciate this message xoxox

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