wednesday july eighteenth

hello loves :) it’s finally a bit cooler today, yesterday was insane!

i went for a short run this morning, and i couldn’t go one way in the ravine because the bridge area, along with the path was blocked by maybe, gosh two or three large fallen trees? i sort of climbed under and over them, and contemplated going across the river area to get to the other side, but i decided against it ;P it was sort of annoying though, the path that i went on was not level and often blocked with trees, water, lots of mud. and it was still pretty humid out :/ ohhh well. what can you do…

finally, a breakfast photo :) this morning’s oatmeal was a mixture of quick and old fashion (love old fashion! so chewy & nutty) and raw almonds, walnuts, banana! and cinnamon/ginger, topped with a few things along with a bit of almond milk. and coffee of course. in a very season-appropriate mug i should add.

so i was asked to (or tagged..) in the versatile blogger award, which made me smile!  i know i’ve only done one linked award before…i think it was this one? a little while ago…but the lovely alexandra from wildheartcity nominated me for this award just a little while ago…and we come from the city, which pretty much means that, well it’s a cool thing ;P

ughlskdjflksj efff. i tried to start this post a while ago and thought i had saved it…i didnt’ even know i had to save things on windows live writer as i never had before. efffing thing was gone. hmphf! i tend to start posts and come back to them, which makes them really incoherent aha. anyway, i was actually tagged in another one a while ago, where i wrote like paragraphs about each lovely blogger i was ‘tagging’ which made the post go on for days. it’s here actually. i stopped writing this post before because i honestly could not come up with even one thing. maybe i had already mentioned the fact about me…or maybe i was brain dead. or had nothing interested to say about myself. yet, well i still  manage to write lengthly posts every time even though im not interesting, in a good way at least ;P but then i started to come up with some.

i present….meeeeeeeeee!

1. i love to act. i really would love to act in films, i know it’s one of those long-shot sort of goals or dreams, but i’ve wanted to do this, well probably since i was like five. but…i haven’t gotten anywhere for a while. i mean, i did school things and a lot of both theatre and on-camera courses, and started off in the acting program at university…but the past few years have been another story. i would also like to be a part of films, anything…production, music (especially. the score…its one of the best parts of a film, for me…how to train your dragon?!? it gets to me every single time). i love the intimacy of film, and on-camera stories. i do like watching theatre, but it’s never been my favourite thing. for film, its not just because it’s watched by so many, the actors become famous, etc. it’s just that intimacy, it’s the closeness. it’s also the whole mood and how film has an ability to just capture every part of me. i love losing myself in a film…sort of like reading, which comes next…

2. i need to read. i love reading. i mean, i require it to survive. i must have a book on hand, along with another stack waiting for me, at all times. i read before bed, i just love to do that. i use it as a form of escapism probably, just like with films, and stories in general. i guess that might be why i am interested in blogging, and reading other stories,  other people’s lives. it’s quite rude of me, isn’t it? nosy parker, jen. get OUT!! ;P (i think that’s the saying…parker? idk i hope so)

3. i act like a kid. first of all, i eat like a toddler. or maybe a ninety-nine year old with stomach issues. there’s a ‘two and a half men’ quote that alludes to alan’s diet…something like an eighty-year-old with stomach cancer. its also products too, like arrowroots, graham crackers, animal crackers (not brand name but there are these generic organic ones, actually a line called’ ‘presidents choice’, so it’s a bit cheaper but with good ingredients! i guess they try to limit what they put it little ones’ mouths, and they’re small items. and the ingredient list is hopefully easier to tolerate. i guess because they have smaller, younger, weaker stomachs? like mine. (the weaker part, i guess mine is old)

like theeeese, ah so cute. the flavour reminded me of like strawberry frozen yogurt or something? i’ve probably mentioned a few of the other things on here. also, i was looking through a ‘baby’s first seven years’…you know the books that you document your child’s early life (side-note here, sort of sad. but my mom only filled out a few pages, though my brothers’ is totally completed…figures ;P…so i started to do it myself but i was still only like eight and the writing is awful baha…) anyway, my first fruits were bananas and applesauce (which i “loved”)…same today!! and apparently my response to cereal the first time: mmm ;) see? i haven’t changed! i freak out if i don’t sleep well. but that happens all the time.

(initially this was just one long response, but i realised i could make it into, like, three things tehe…)

and...part two of 3?... i love children's’ programs:

…like ‘erky perky’ (honestly the best show, but not known, its an australian-canadian coproduction i believe)…arthur of course, little bear in the mornings. i haven’t really watched any since coming back home. at my other place with my brother, it was just a large apartment and we had a tv in the living area/kitchen, so it was often on if i ate breakfast. so i sort of got attached to that, idk i get really attached to things like this, it’s pretty embarrassing. i remember the first time i went to france, i was ten (just a family vacation) and in the last ‘stretch’ we stayed in paris for about five days. and our hotel room had obviously just french channels, but one cartoon channel which i hadn’t really watched before was in english. and played classics like ‘tom and jerry’. now, don’t go worrying, we did not sit and watch tv all day (thats a no no with my family/parents) but i guess i watched some of it in the evenings. and i cried when i went home, realising that i’d never see it again. it sounds ridiculous, five days of seeing a few of the shows and it became a comfort, or something.

i know it sounds like im just a pathetic adult trying to be a kid, holding onto childhood…odd-ball. that’s probably exactly what who i am, though.

4. i love the radio. i used to just listen to classical music straight…one a independent toronto classical station. it was pretty repetitive though and, because it wasn’t a government-owned station, it had a lot of commercials. but i love the CBC. there is radio1 and radio2, and i used to listen to the second station because it…well, played a lot of classical music ;P but recently i’ve started listening to the other one, they’re main program. and it deals largely with news, but also hosts a lot of programs which i find fascinating. i didn’t force myself to listen to it, i just love it. i’ll probably have another freak out when i start working outside more regularly, missing the news and what not ;P

see, age is nothing to me. except for the fact that i cannot deal with my age, and the aspect of getting older. but i don’t discriminate. ooh, see this book was given to my mom a while ago by myself and my brother. we found it, along with an (equally-as) old book on katharine hepburn in our old small-town library. i think she was offended. and looked at it initially, but i re-discovered it recently and she started laughing. i think she’ll begin to read it again, now that she’s definitely surpassed that age by…like eight years almost?

5. i don’t know if it makes sense to mention this, as i talk about it so much. but i have phobias, a lot of anxiety. but specifically i’ve had a fear of being sick (as in vomiting…i hate writing the word out aha :/) since, like, birth. and i know people say, oh i know me too. that might be true, but this goes wayyyy beyond that. and the extent of the fear probably would be considered an odd ‘fact about me’ ;P  but its actually, along with the other high anxiety levels and obsessions and fears, sort of hell. and it has a name too! emetophobia. in grade 12 i came across it online because in the uk its more known, and they have like support or forum sites, im sure they have a lot of forums like that online for various issues/diseases/conditions. i guess sort of like blogging about eating issues, but its not like a public blog area or anything. so, well ive become fixated with like viruses, and just go on high-alert if i hear about it (even though i could just not hear about so many and obviously come into contact with it) but i’ve read about symptoms, and obviously had them first-hand, and had people i know experience it. but because i have awful ibs and often suffer from like daily issues, bowels and what not…its worse because i have such a fear of getting sick and having the symptoms and if i get them im literally…tmi i guess, having panic attacks. on the toilet. and what not. sorry this is an unpleasant fact about me i guess lol…

6. i just remember that i was tagged by the adorable emily back in december. so im using that as my sixth thing, and here it is: linked…and you should probably check to see how many things i repeated. actually almost none! pretty good i think :p

7. this isn’t really a fact…but i was wondering, have you tried puffins cereal? i had read so much hype and love about it and always tore my eyes away since it was a tiny box for a pretty high price (at least where i live) and, well i love other cereals, and since i didn’t know if 'i’d like it, among other reasons, didnt’ get any. but, a little while ago (on my birthday) i was shopping with my mom and it was on sale at one store we were at, and it was my birthday. i just opened it yesterday but i totally had the whole thing wrong, i guess i didn’t read properly, the ingredients or labels. i guess i thought it was like a light/fluffy cereal, but its pretty much the exact taste as those quaker corn bran squares (which i do like! though i prefer the oatmeal squares because i like the flavour). idk…do a lot of countries not have quaker corn bran squares and thus didn’t notice that they seemed the same? odd…and its much higher in fibre than i thought, though i guess that’s the corn bran, mostly insoluble i guess, which i sometimes have to be wary of (well, anything really, soluble too i guess…blah im going on :/) but maybe i just need to try it again and expect a different taste ;P i just got the plain ones though, so maybe the cinnamon or pb (which i’ve never seen where i live) are more distinctively ‘puffin-like’? lol…its just that i was so excited because so many people raved about them. but its not like they are not good (in my opinion) just not at all what i had expected.

i really thought that i was going to be able to write a post in addition to this…i figured the seven things would take up no space, but i should have known…oh and i tried the puffins again and i guess the next time they were different, but i haven’t had a proper bowl or anything, just dry or mixed with things, etc so perhaps that is how i’d get the whole ‘experience’? hm im not sure. are they supposed to be like imitation (and healthier..) captain crunch cereal? i haven’t had those in aaaages, i remember coming back from university first year, maybe at christmas. and i asked my mom, before boarding the plane in halifax, what cereal she had bought and she said ‘captain crunch’ and i was sooo freaking excited. then i came home and it was the quaker corn bran squares ;P but that’s okay, i ate them and was pretty happy.

that’s all, i hope you’re all enjoying your weeks! xoxox

thoughts on a thursday morning

hi there :) im sorry that’s such a lame title, but i’ve never been that good with titles have it? i just want to sort of, divert from my last post. i want to delete it kind of…but that wouldn’t be right, so i’ll settle for just ignoring it, is that okay? i feel really embarrassed, actually. and regretted it the instant i saw comments, read them and realised that, well, i just looked so stupid.

anyway, i have been having so much trouble dealing with conflicting thoughts, stronger than before though. im sure this is so common but i thought i’d just write about it anyway. when i see that i’ve gained weight, i suddenly freak out and, especially if i haven’t significantly increased my intake…i start to really worry that my metabolism is super slow, i’ve messed up, i should watch what im doing very carefully because i have seriously botched something and become careless, etc. and then other thoughts say, ‘no, jen…this is okay, keep going, don’t fuck up’…and then it’s back and forth. in the past like, ohhh idk eight years? i’ve just ignored any ‘other’ thoughts, or more ‘healthy’ thoughts and gone with  my urges, which usually would result in weight gain or stabilization anyway. so it’s pointless. but now, because i know what’s at stake i am trying to listen to both sides. the thing is, im not doing it for me…i feel like im only doing this for my parents, so that i don’t have to be looked down upon, so that i might get work, knowing that each step forward makes me feel more disgusted, worthless, just….like i cannot stand being in my own skin.

i’m notorious for obsessing about nearly everything, and can’t let anything “go” or “slide”…im not sure if it makes sense, but a lot of people can challenge the thoughts and have them overpower any negativity…and even if i can do this, there is always part of me that doesn’t like it. and i don’t wnat to ignore that becuase i feel like its faking it, and i know that if i ignore the awful thoughts they’ll be there anyway, and in the future if i become more depressed, lost, etc…they will always be there to turn to. like…ugh im not sure how to say this.  but i hate ignoring these things because they’re like warning signs to me, and i could drown them out. but i don’t want to because i don’t want to go through life pretending that im happy, pretending that im okay, pretending that gaining weight is fine, losing is not, that i don’t need to be thin. because they are just that…i mean it’s pretend. it’s not real. i really do believe that i won’t be happy, i really do feel awful, i really do want to be thinner, and i really don’t like the way i am, the way i used to be, whatever is “natural” for me…i just cannot accept it. i do not want to accept it. <---that’s probably the issue there, and i know a lot of people would read this and be like, “so what?? deal with it. we all have to. shut up and move on”.

belated birthday photo, i forgot hat they were all on my dad’s camera, which i borrowed today ;P the cake was vanilla…with vanilla icing (the creamy kind! not the fluffy/whipped/odd one)…and my lovely  mom decorated it, even though it was just a single layer.

(cooking…quinoa i think?)

i hope this is making sense, because i’m just going to pause here and move onto something else, as i normally get myself into this whole and write for paragraphs until you all fall asleep ;P

so, it’s my mom’s birthday today! we’re having a little family thing and my grandmother is coming as well. that always stresses me out (due to my own issues more than hers). but my mom had a bit of a day to herself, and went shopping, had a facial (!!!) and we just chatted a bit about jobs and such. im realising that, although gaining is a huge goal in their eyes, it’s independence, and moving forward. so finding paid work, even part-time (and even if its nothing related to my field) would make them happy. and i know it would help me move forward and get out of this hell hole that i’ve dug myself into. apart from film internships and camp jobs, it’s really been a little while since i’ve properly worked, like just after second year of uni maybe? im so out of it…and that fear, and the length of time that i’ve been away from such a thing creates a lot of anxiety. but i know i can’t just stay without a job, im twenty-three (ohhh god how i hate that…) and i graduated from a four year degree. i should be working! it’s quite pathetic, im not putting anyone down out there who is also not working much, im just talking about myself here. i just need to feel semi okay about myself, maybe not ‘proud’ yet, but, idk less embarrassed i guess ;)

i wanted a photo of my mom to go here, and to dedicate this to her…but i can’t find a recent one! oh well, im sure she’d have a fit if i posted her photo on the internet ;P so it’s likely for the best. but i love her!!! so much, and she’s so cute, she was showing me a dress that she bought for herself, she always shows me her clothing, 'i know it’s different jen, but do you like it? i know you might not, but i do. and oh im not sure…’ but it was nice! i want to make her happy, or at least…less unhappy (both she and my dad). i know that it’s not enough to do something for someone else, to change for someone else. and, im quite stubborn and would have to admit that, even though i know it hurts them a lot when their children are not doing well, i don’t think that it could force me to change. which sounds awful. because i know i’d still be unhappy. but i hate myself for ruining someone else’s life. that’s not fair.

but i don’t want to end on such a note. my blog is so fucking depressing, i’d be surprised if anyone was reading it, or enjoying it if you are. thank you so much for reading this though, and commenting, it is honestly such a huge thing for me to receive a comment, my heart like jumps, and often i get really anxious, wondering what people are saying. yet you are all so kind (i hope this doesn’t jinx anything…) and i really appreciate you for everything you’ve told me. now this is really sappy, but i just wanted to make that very clear. so…something happy:

ahh love her! both she and elizabeth olsen are filming ‘very good girls’ at the moment in new york city i believe. dakota has quite a few films yet to be released, and im very excited to see her on the big screen once again. i feel like it’s been a long time…since ‘the secret life of bees’ almost (apart from the twilight films i guess, but i haven’t seen those) …i love watching her older films, like ‘i am sam’, ‘man on fire’, and her one long scene with glen close in ‘nine lives’, have you seen that one? it’s really beautiful.

well, i’ve got to go (i really do, though i know it seems like i have nothing to do…but im not lying!) i hope this post is a bit better than the last…and i really don’t want to write another one like that again :/ not good, jen. xoxox

decisions & regrets

..times two? i have a feeling i’ve already titled a post with this. i guess i have a lot of decisions and regrets. anyway, hello there! i hope you’re all enjoying summer, the weather cooled down for a little bit at least…

happy july tenth!

okay, hmphkjkj well i debated what to write here. i have a lot of stuff that i am thinking about, and normally would want to let it all out here but i don’t think it’s the best. i mean, i started a video and then it got so long, so rambled, too honest and i was just scared when i watched it. i want to keep posting but i just have a dilemma, and don’t know what to do. so i thought i’d included a bit of an entry, from when i just needed to write it down. i was actually trying to create a formal document, well not formal but somewhat “clear” for my parents, stating my arguments for and against (mainly against..) a decision that they were leaning toward. but…other than that i am very confused, conflicted. i know my feelings toward this and other things, and i am set in my ways. it’s not merely the stubborn and negative side of me, i truly don’t believe that this is the right choice. not to mention it would be literally hell on earth for me. i just feel so frustrated because i have odds against me, and i have no credit with my parents, doctors, anyone really. because i’m not working full time out of university, even part time. i’m physically not doing well, by anyone’s standards though i don’t think it’s as bad as they believe. i’ve lost independence, the list goes on. so any argument, any time i try to voice my own opinion i have all these things (plus many more) stacked against me. its a lose-lose situation for jen, and win-win for everyone else? especially if i do take on this new decision, i mean i feel like if i don’t…i’ll end up where i don’t want to be, it happened before. i refused to do something but ended up doing it without meaning to, and felt so disgusted with myself, body, weight gain, etc. but if i do take on the challenge (the nightmare, really)…it’s not right. i know it’s not a good choice, i really believe it. plus, well it’s another lose situation for me. i realise that they have the best intentions, and i should stop being so pig-headed but i just can’t even fathom this, i know it will be hell and i just…well that’s where i am now. it’s like, now what?

The weight thing…oh, god the weight. Enough said. But I must elaborated in order to prove my side, to try to get you to understand…I was never even originally at xxx (actually they have my height up ½ inch which does matter)…and when I reached xxx it was not natural, I was eating so much, feeling horrible…I had stopped swimming, and got to (boarding school name) seeing all the foods we never had growing up, desserts, even Mom said it was a bit higher than normal. PLEASE don’t let me get there or higher, I don’t care about all the body image crap, love yourself, blah…I will NOT love myself believe me, I will hate myself even more. that’s what this is about… I don’t care if that’s fucked up in your eyes, I am me and the way in which I feel about myself is so important, it doesn’t matter what other people think if you’re so unbelievably unhappy with yourself and with your life.

********************

i know i’m beating around the bush, not stating exactly what im talking about but i feel so stupid to do so. and, honestly i understand if you’re not interested in reading. i wouldn’t be! i guess im not asking for advice (or am i?) because, if it’s not something i want to hear then i might not be accepting of the advice, which isn’t really fair, but on the other hand i have to be truthful. so you might be wondering why i’m even writing this out. i guess i feel like i owe it to you to at least be a little honest, even if i’m hesitant to elaborate. but i will change the topic now, because not everything has been shit ;P and i started this blog with happier thoughts, and wished to focus on the things that make me happy as well.

like this past weekend's cottage visit! i don’t know when i’ll be up next, depending on the schedule (if im working), but this was a good visit :) oh!! and we discovered bones…a collection of unidentifiable animal (i think??) bones right about here, but some were further up at the end of the dock. yet they were not there a week or so before, as my brother’s says (he was up then..) he gathered them up with rubber gloves and, i know its morbid, but we sort of want to figure out what it is. maybe a fox? though that seems odd, i thought maybe it died and stayed under throughout the winter, yet i don’t see how the waves could push it over here.

tadaaa! i don’t know why, but im sort of partially disgusted yet also drawn to this, i want to figure out what it is but i don’t want to touch them or anything. i’ve always been a bit fascinated with this, discovering things, pretending to be a detective, scientist, anything…i also don’t want to swim around there though, my mom told me that mike (brother) was about to pick up something that might have been a scull but there was still flesh on it?!? oglskdflsj i just gagged. im sorry :/ another topic now…

im reading a book called, ‘accidental family’ which is good! it takes place in england, well cornwall…and sort of other parts. i think it is the second of a few though, so i should have known that! i hate started partway through a series (well it’s more like just a connection, same characters)…the first chapter was sort of an update of the sort, which helped me become a bit familiarized with the characters, past events, etc.

and because this sort of started out as a breakfast blog, this was a new sort of oatmeal bowl, with frozen dark cherries (the colour change, but im not too keen on this :/) and frozen banana, raw almonds, wheat germ, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg & organic multigrain squares finally! they were sitting unopened until i realised they expire soon! not that fresh but i do love these :)

i honestly cannot believe that it’s mid july practically…my mom’s birthday is on the twelfth! crazy…the more time passes the more i realise i’m just wasting life, not moving forward, not improving. on one hand i want autumn to come, or some cooler weather, yet i need to have accomplished so much more by then. so, in a sense, i don’t want it to come? if that makes any sense. i’m having trouble explaining and expressing myself coherently ;)

that’s a little belgium milk chocolate square (the wrapper, anyway) which was gooood. they came is the cutest box, a bunch of little ones layered and individually wrapped. mostly dark chocolates, but a few milk ones. one is like 97% and im not sure that i should try it. one of my classmates in high school got me to try one at like, 80 percent or something? maybe a bit higher. it was awful :/ like baking chocolate. but worse ;P i need a bit of sweetness.

hope all is well, lots of love xoxox

some [don’t] like it hot

hello!

it’s been a little while since i’ve said anything, …i do not feel motivated to post anything because i’m waiting until i have good news. and i feel as though the blogging ‘community’ that i knew of is nearly dead. which is upsetting. i know i’m not a huge part of it, but i guess i’ve also been a bit busy with my life, trying to fix things, challenge myself, etc. not working out brilliantly, though. and i just feel as though my life is unworthy of a blog.

i really want to bake cupcakes for some reason. maybe i was deprived of them as a child…cakes, ice-cream, cookies…but no cupcakes? i tried to get my mom to agree to cupcakes for her birthday, but i know she’d rather have something else. so we agreed on this plum-streusel-cake (looks like a quickbread) which seems yummy. hopefully i won’t mess it up like i did with her cake last year…:o oops. that was sad. there is this recipe for ‘raisin lemon yogurt’ cupcakes (does that sound unappetizing?) in an anne lindsay (canadian lighthearted/heart-healthy cookbook line, we have many of hers which sort of dictated much of my dinners growing up) cookbook that i might try out for our future family gathering sort of thing. whenever that happens.

anyway, how is everyone doing? it’s so. fucking. hot. i want to kill someone. if this is a sneak preview of this summer’s weather i will kill myself right now. seriously. its awful. i complain a lot, but i seriously cannot handle heat, whatsoever. so this sucks.

i’m hoping it’s much cooler up here though, i think i’m able to go to my cottage this upcoming weekend, which is good. if i start working in a more retail-oriented job i’ll likely have no weekends off…so that means i won’t be up much ;(

finally! took a while to arrive, but i now have a diploma which rests on the wall above my computer desk :)

…its a holiday today, because canada day fell on a sunday. so happy belated, she’s 145 year old! that makes me feel a bit better, honestly. oh!! i’ve been (..well i had been) taking more photos of meals and other things that i’ve come across, but i haven’t done much in over a week.

this is actually quite old…a lunch from the cottage the last time i was there, like three weeks ago? but i couldn’t find recent photos of my meals, and i’ve been branching out with new fruits and veggies. i normally just stick to bananas, unsweetened applesauce, apples/pears occasionally. and carrots for veggies ;P these were alfalfa sprouts i think which i liked! (w whole grain stonemill bread w raw almond butter and grated carrots, grilled!). i’ve also had plums, a variety of white and other flesh nectarines (which i love love love!) and avocado, which im just starting to try out. i used to think i didn’t like nectarines because, well i love peaches. and i love the fuzzy texture, so i would always shun the crunchy “hairless” nectarines but oh my gosh i had one for lunch today, crunchy but so sweet and lovely. i tried fresh apricots many times, but after like 5 sour once i gave up. i love dried ones but i think the ones around here just were not at their best this season? they are so freaking cute though, but so fragile. like little babies. ;P …ah, anyway….

im glad im being much less restrictive, but it does have to do with living at home versus on my own, and having a dishwasher, more time to prepare, more ‘gadgets’ and cutlery in the kitchen to prepare things properly, and also, idk i get more anxious if its just me eating and trying things…so getting them as a family seems a bit easier? odd, i know. and not a good thing to get accustomed to because i will be moving once again on my own sooner or later.

breakfast from a week or so ago: creamy brown rice porridge, banana, cinnamon/ginger/nutmeg, dried mango, crystallized ginger and chopped almonds i think…;P w black coffee. and likely peppermint tea there.

wow, i really though i’d be at a loss for words here but i guess, if you put a computer in front of me and get a topic started, i can sort of go on…is this boring, though? i think it’s likely much less interesting for someone else to here, but i sort of like writing about this stuff. i think it also has to do with my planning, controlling, obsessive stuff, i find myself planning so much, over and over in my head, meals, writing so many freaking lists, grocery lists for the future, meal ideas, snacks, but not in a good way, like i’ll have this idea in my head of what i might want, but also add in restrictions, like if im not feeling this then i have this instead, but if im okay i can add on this, and its just ridiculous i can’t even focus on anything else. and i feel like it lessens the anxiety to keep going, but then i realise it doesn’t because when things don’t work out as ‘planned’ i get so terrified like, ‘why can’t i eat this, what is wrong, fuck i didn’t have a “plan” for this” when really i should just listen to myself and figure whether i want something or not. it’s not helping me because i’m supposed to be breaking from these habits so that i can go out more and get back into the world, schedules, work, etc without freaking out every second. ugh, idk what to do really. writing it down makes it even more messed up because i know its an issue but i don’t want to stop.

in other things, like work and such…i still haven’t become involved in full or even part-time paid work but im volunteering a bit at the moment, and i’m still involved with the film internship (which is infrequent…but a contact, nonetheless!) …i never know much i should write down here. a while ago i’d be ashamed to say so much of what i’ve posted, but at this point its just like, jen what’s the point i hiding it. i think it’s obvious to look at me that i’m not doing well, not working, not succeeding. but i feel a bit uncomfortable letting everyone know that (meaning, the people who don’t see me…maybe i feel like anyone reading this is the one chance i have to create a more positive image of myself…because you don’t see or know my whole past? not sure if that makes sense)…but i guess im better just sharing with one person, though i don’t have many at the moment. i feel lonely i guess…my good friends from high school/university are either away at school still, living in another province…or just ignore my messages ;P seriously, though i think i come off as needy or something because i feel like no one wants to talk to me. that is pathetic. another thing i’d never want to say out loud a while ago…but im sure everyone knows that already. but i feel like even the people i met through blogging, i thought i was close to them. i mean, i know i didn’t “know” them, and often when you’re connected to someone through something negative like an eating disorder, depression, another illness…it’s not always healthy to keep that relationship, especially if one person is doing okay and maybe the other is not (i’m totally speaking hypothetically here, by the way, so please don’t assume that i’m making any judgments!) it’s best to stay apart? i’ve never felt that way though, i mean even if i know that the connection might not be the best, i hate losing friends, especially good ones, and i think that if someone isn’t doing well and might bring you down…well i don’t think i’d be very recovered then, would i? i mean, in the “real world” i am not censored to other individuals who are not in the best frame of mind or health. so i feel like its the same with friendships. and also, i feel like i need to help these people, especially if they’ve helped me out when i needed it. god i suck at explaining myself, expressing my feelings. but i guess i am trying to say that, i’m lonely? and that i’d love to talk to anyone who reads this, im so serious, and maybe i don’t seem all that “together” but i still try to offer my advice! aha, even if it might not be helpful, i try to help.

anyway! sorry for that long-winded paragraph. i guess i should post more often, because i obviously have a lot more to sort out than i think. i just never believe that it’s healthy for me to post, or that it’s helpful for myself, or for anyone who might read it. but i will try to post much more often, even to make me feel as though i’m accomplishing something, or working on/toward some objective. i feel a bit useless at the moment, really. i am going to wrap this up though because i could likely go on forever. and no one wants that! i hope all is well with whoever comes across this, and i am thinking of you, probably! hoping and wishing for the best for all of you. lots of love!

xoxox jen <3

a special day

hi :)

my birthday breakfast :) i’ve heard that chocolate and wheat germ go well together, so i tried it:

this was a mélange of my favourites, including irish oats,  banana, cinnamon&ginger, raw almonds&hazelnuts, shredded wheat, crystallized ginger, wheat germ, semi-sweet chocolate chips…and skim milk! black coffee of course, that that’s a mug of peppermint tea right behind there.

i didn’t feel special when i woke up this morning. i used to get the same tingly, odd, surreal feeling that i get on christmas morning. but i do feel sort of special today, that could just be because people are wishing me happy birthday :)

i sort of wish i was here again. but, then again, i’d have to go through all these years again ;P the bad and the good. and i have enjoyed my life, even though lately it hasn’t been that great. but i look sort of happy here, genuinely, and i don’t have many photos like that (i know im young here.  but even when i was little i was very anxious and, not so kid-like, just very complex and serious and intense)… i was absolutely in love (no not obsessed…in love) with barney. until age…pff idk like eight? ten? seriously, it was weird. but im only five here i think, so that’s okay.

ahhh, so our moving day was, officially, a shit-show. more so for my poor brother, though i think he’s had some time to organise and fix a few things, and what not. but so many things went wrong. but that’s usually what happens, right? murphy's law, or something..

but i enjoyed this bowl of banana-mango-almond oats (mix of quick and old fashion, banana, dried mango, cinnamon&ginger, topped with slivered almonds, crystallized ginger & soy milk!) beforehand…i have to admit that i was not present for a bunch of the moving process, and my parents, brother, and friends were left in the rain.

however, i’m a bit behind the times, because this happened last week! …and, today is…june. 7th. my birthday! yeee…i was just out shopping with my mom…food shopping that is. but i think we’re going out later in the week for clothes shopping, just a few things which will be my present. but my mom is hesitant to get me anything that i can wear now…i hate that. knowing that i likely won’t be able to wear anything when im heavier, or that i need to “fit into” things…just certain clothing that doesn’t fit…it makes me disgusted almost to think that i wore them not too long ago. which is an awful thing to say, i know that. but it just seems scary. and i feel out of control, that my  body can just transform like that…gain a lot of weight, lose weight, fluctuate so much…it isn’t healthy. i know losing a lot of weight isn’t healthy, but gaining a lot doesn’t seem healthy either, it seems to be placing more strain on your body. i’m probably just saying this because the idea of gaining seems so awful, but, idk, i just get all caught up in things, and you hear on the radio, health sources, etc that any weight extreme, loss or gain, puts your body through a great deal. i feel like i’ve messed up my future even more now.

ugh, anyway. back to my birthday :P i thought this would be a little post, but i guess when i write so infrequently i have a lot to say.

this is one of my favourite photos; she’s so beautiful. i have this wig that i bought a while ago, well, gr 10. i did an isu project sort of on her, but just focusing on how the media really changed her, from ‘norma jean’ (her original name) to marilyn monroe, this persona, it’s a bit sad really. anyway, we found it recently and it was almost thrown out!

bahah isn’t it lovely :P i can’t do her obviously, i know it’s awful. quite a shock compared to the gorgeous photo of her above, but i was just being silly. so back to gr 10, i made a film for the media aspect of the project, and it was an interview with normal jean, and then with marilyn, numerous years later. it was really fun, and my brother was the host, or interviewer.

…i think that’s about it. i realise that i have a lot of photos of myself here…i find that sort of vain i guess, but i promise you i don’t think that i look good or whatever, i guess im trying to make up for not posting anything before! plus, well i guess i find it interesting to talk about my past. i think blogs are probably supposed to be a bit about ourselves, i mean…we’re just writing about our own lives, so it will come off as self-absorbed. it’s just that i think i am the opposite of that, i like to think about my childhood and past and memories sometimes, but i don’t think im great or anything ;P anyway, i hope you’re all doing well, i can’t believe it’s june. almost summer!! crazy…so much time has gone by, i know i keep saying this but, it really scares me how fast it flies sometimes. even though, in the moment, it seems to drag on. the bad moments, anyway.

i have to go have a shower and get ready for tonight! so, i’m off…and i will talk to you all later.

lots and lots and lots of love

difficult to see

hi there loves :) i hope you’re enjoying may, it’s been pretty crazy weather-wise. disgustingly warm one day, and then a bit cooler now which i prefer. but im still not ready for summer and hot weather. not at all. i feel like we missed spring, or it went from cold to hot too quickly. actually, winter was pretty mild here! we hardly got any snow as well.

this morning’s breakfast was “banana hazelnut oats”; i just like making names for it, but it was old fashion oatmeal & oatbran cooked with banana, cinnamon, ginger, raw almonds and hazelnuts and topped with crystallized ginger, a few tbsp brown rice krispies and some skim milk poured on top! and coffee beforehand, but peppermint tea with breakfast.

i’ve been having the most conflicting thoughts lately. i guess i always sort of experience that, and maybe i shouldn’t be writing this all down. but i feel like i have to, its inside my head and i want to sort it out. and i don’t think i’ve be honest about things, well i mean i don’t think ive been very open about actual weight stuff…so this might be a first. this is really long by the way, but i’m sure you can tell by the massive paragraphs below.

i don’t want to say “triggering stuff ahead”  because i mean, it’s a blog and its about eating issues, anxiety, depression. i feel like it’s obviously going to be ‘triggering’ if people are triggered by posts about weight and food and anything eating-related. but i guess, if you don’t want to see that, and i understand. just don’t read it. because i feel like no one understand this (in my life, i mean i know a lot of you do, and i’m sorry if these words up ahead irritate, hurt, insult you in any way. i hate assumptions and i’m also sorry if i make any, i’m not trying to sound like i know everything. believe me i never think of myself as someone who knows a lot…well a lot of negative things maybe). and i’m not sure if i’m just weird, and am never going to be okay with how i look, because every time i read about someone’s recovery or journey or, ugh idk how they feel about changing, it’s never quite like what i am experiencing. i know you’re probably thinking ‘duh of course its not, everyone is different’. but i’m serious. i feel like i’m the only person that truly does not want to go back to what i was before, to what i used to be. and this is totally superficial, physical, vain perhaps. people say that eds are, “ugh, oh my god no one understands, it’s not about weight!!!” …but honestly, that’s exactly what it’s about for me. i really don’t want to be as high (weight) as i was before. i hate to say, “heavy”, because, okay i don’t think i was really heavy. but i didn’t like it. i don’t like it. but i know i have no choice, because often my body just gains randomly or maybe i’ll just start gaining for no reason, i have a horrible relationship with food at times and i have had so in the past. i’ve gained and felt awful. i’ve never consciously gained though, as in…i am trying to gain weight sort-of-thing. it happened when i didn’t want it to and i felt so out of control. but people often seem to say, i want to just go back to what i was before, i looked fine, i liked myself, and it’s their mind that changed, their thoughts and they want to return to someone who didn’t think about food like this. or weight, control, etc. but they looked fine before, and i keep seeing photos of people and i don’t understand how they could ever not like themselves because they truly looked absolutely gorgeous and amazing and, just someone that i would really love to be around. but that’s not me. i didn’t like myself, physically or, anything really. and i don’t want to go back to hating myself. i don’t love how i look now, i’m not saying that…but i dislike it less, and i don’t feel as big, and i can’t get past the idea that i will have to go back to that, and maybe even more. because it makes me so anxious and sick and disgusted and im sorry if that sounds awful but confidence, for me, sure its about the inside but it is also so much about how i look and how i like myself. and, trust me, if i hate how i look and hate myself, i won’t be happy. and i just don’t understand why i can’t look fine and be fine and just, ugh be pretty or thin or whatever, and be happy. idk this is all a big fat mess i know.

im also just so superstitious about everything, and i was talking with my parents about this. and how people have set weights/targets…its odd because the only target i’ve had in my mind is obviously losing not gaining. i hate how stereotypical or pro-ana i sound right now. i promise that i’m not, but i might as well be honest because i spend most of my time trying to be something that i’m not. anyway! :/ i totally understand if you’ve pressed the x at this point. but i was having these awful thoughts about certain numbers and knowing how much worse i’d feel, physically and mentally (the thing is my stomach symptoms, anxiety, fears and what not were still very much present when i was at a higher weight, making it even harder to see this in a positive light)…and then i realised that i was being stupid, and that my body will probably just do what it wants to do and gain, or keep having symptoms, etc because i just feel out of control (or not in control) anyway, and here was thinking i’d be able to maintain on what i wanted or go lower when really, like i have in the past, i might just end up gaining without meaning to and…idk i guess keep going and going and going? i know that’s a fear for a lot of people, and i read that in so many places, yet it’s not irrational if it really happens…and i can’t get over that. i realise how superficial this all sounds, but to me it is important. i feel like i really am not in control of my body and it does what it wants to. and its usually something that i don’t like or something that’s harmful, etc. and i don’t mean losing. does any of this make sense. probably not. i feel like im just going on about random stuff, and i have no idea what you think…most of you probably think im crazy or something. i always get scared that if i say something like, oh i don’t want to gain, or i don’t agree with that number, blahhh…then as payback my body will be like, you know what jen? deal with it. here’s a bunch of weight here, and i’ll just make you binge, or make you throw up, have awful intestinal and stomach issues, become more depressed, etc etc etc. those are just some of the things that i really seriously fear, i realise that a lot of it seems odd to you, but i’ve explained a lot of my fears and anxiety before and…well i know a lot of it seems weird. so i hesitate to say more. i just also really focus so much on what others think of me, both my appearance but also my personality, intelligence…and i really worry that i’ve blown it and made myself look ever worse. even though, i realise that i don’t know any of you (well apart from a couple!!!) in real life. and you are all really kind…yet i know that people have different sides, and i’ve probably been nice on one hand, and a bit insincere at other times….i mean we’re just human. so i feel like people aren’t always so honest. that, or someone keeps asking me random intrusive questions on formspring that are making me slightly paranoid. but yes i bring that upon myself, idk why i keep it. well i guess because sometimes people asking funny things or say something nice…i realise that’s so silly…to keep something like that hoping someone will ask or say something nice. its like i’m seeking approval, in some sick way.

ughhh. im sorry that this has become so long. and i hate how im always apologizing, i realise that it loses it’s meaning when i throw it around like this. but i think i’ve always meant it when i say sorry. i really wanted to make a more positive post, and then i also wanted to write about this…yet i never thought that it would take up so much space. im not sure if i can salvage this…but i will try‘

i only have a few of these left as i bought them on iherb at the end of last year, and they don’t sell minis (of anything, really) here, which is sad :( i wish they had all of them in minis, like the peppermint and cinnamon raisin, etc though we don’t even get the raisin one here. i hope they bring it over soon!

i started this post last night, so it actually is pretty muggy out, and feels and smells humid. they are calling for cooler weather, but i’m not sure if that’s going to happen. oh, well. what-chu-gonna-do? …aha did anyone watch america’s got talent last night? i just caught the end part, and that man was too funny. he was so freaking gaunt though :o we have canada’s got talent, but they just finished the first season i think. i didn’t watch it though, really. i don’t watch much reality shows though martin short was judging and he’s too cute. but howie mandel, i know he lives in the states but i wish he was judging canada’s version because…well, he’s canadian.

i think that’s all, i don’t want to fall into the same trap that i did in the first section of this post, so i’ll go now ;P hope all is well, lots of love

xoxox

my dark cloud

 

hey there ;P …

happy monday loves :) spring is definitely moving along! its a bit scary, actually. time is going too quickly ;( soon i’ll be another year older, i am not even going to tell you the number. but it makes me sad.

i don’t know where to go with this, so i’ll change topics. ive been trying to do things each day, stuff that makes me anxious. which isn’t a huge feat because everything makes me anxious. but whatever, see its just that i’ve realised that in order to become less anxious and panicky and stressed, i have to do more things. but i know i’'ll experience the awful physical and mental/emotional symptoms while doing this, so that is what’s really making me feel hopeless. because i already feel like shit most of the time, so why would i want to purposely make myself feel, additionally (?) shitty...do you have some sort of experience with this? do you just like suck it up? or is it easier each time? its making life a lot worse i think. but i also try to calm myself, or read, watch a film. if that helps. sometimes it does, and other times it doesn’t.

this is just my favourite show in the universe…erky perky. if you have anything to say about it be nice or i’ll probably cry, it’s an australian-canadian co production i believe. oh gosh. ytv kids at 10:10 in the morning, after little bear. yea. i know. i don’t care. i don’t, even. that’s mad margaret and cecil, by the way…

the title of this post is actually from a book i’m reading (or re-reading for the billionth time, since i was ten i think) but i just did a quick search, and someone had asked “can someone please remove this dark cloud over my head” on yahoo, and the first response made me smile. so much ;) sorry if you wrote this btw. i didn’t cite it…

I think I can help. I have a white crayon in my pocket and maybe a sky blue somewhere. I'm going to chase your dark cloud away and send you a big bag of sunshine instead. A bright star is also on the way!

aw how cute is that?!?

for some reason i really want to read goosebumps…but i think we got rid of our numerous copies, which kills me. i used to read them for fun, then regret it afterward when  i’d be scared out of my mind. the same thing is true with the television episodes. i know some people don’t think they’re scary, but they’ve always really creeped me out. i used to just read one book at once, over an hour or so. odd and perhaps a bit tmi but i remember taking one with me to the bathroom and reading the entire thing in like 50 min, but i stayed in there and had like an indent on my bum ;P is that really gross? sorry :( but it was a good book.

hm, anyway, i guess its just that returning-to-childhood memory stuff.

there is a program titled ‘the passionate eye’, which airs (usually) each sunday, and this past week the episode was about a tsunami ‘caught on video’; this referred to the 2004 earthquake and tsunami which hit indonesia and thailand, killing 230,000 people.

i can’t explain it, but it was so shocking. often we watch videos, and it’s not real. it can be horrifying, but at least we can reassure ourselves, jen, that person is not dead, it’s not real. this film was captured in real time, so you would see people trying to hold onto their loved ones while the water just rushed by. and then, they would just break off and be lost underneath. the film also showed interviews of those who had survived.

many of them were so emotional when they re-told the stories of  how they were swept away into the ocean, broken. days after, families were still searching for their children or parents, or spouses. and they would come across photos of dead bodies. oh my god, it was awful. a man was talking about how he lost his two kids when the first waves hit, but days afterward found his son’s name attached to a hospital. but he couldn’t find his daughter. his son asked whether she’d been discovered and, when his dad said ‘no..’ he replied…'then we won’t find her, dad’. i guess he had been with her when they separated, and he knew that if she had not yet been found, then she’d be dead. i can’t stop thinking about it, and hearing the voices or watching these people talk about what happened to them. i guess i often think that these things don’t really happen. you don’t realise how real its is unless you witness it yourself. it seems like something out of a film. but it happened to them and it could happen to anyone. i’m not sure how to explain it, but it just really scared me. i just keep thinking, what if that happened to someone in my family? i don’t really think about myself, or if i were in that position. honestly, i think i’d die if a family member, parent, etc died, that sounds ridiculous, but i just feel sick thinking about it. i honestly don’t think i’d be able to cope.

anyway, wow i’m pretty positive today :/

 

i seem to post the moist unattractive photos of myself. but theres not point in pretending its anything different ;P best to just be honest. my parents are back soon, which means that this little thang will be leaving. i say little, but i totally made a mistake a few days ago. she is supposed to get like 5 treats (greenies i think they’re called) each day, and i had emptied one bag on a shelf high up, so that i could just let her have a few at a time. and i didn’t know she could get up there, but the pile kept diminishing, yet i was just like…hmph..that’s odd. and moved along. but she had been jumping up there and eating a bunch, probably like thirty in a couple of days and i freaked out (at her and in my head) worried that she’d be sick, or get really big. my parents were like, don’t let her have that many jen, she can only have five max. she hasn’t been given any for a few days though, and i think it will be okay. but she out-smarted me. i also feel as though i messed up on that one duty. its like i have no sense of responsibility and tend to fuck things up all the time. with my own life, and now with hers. i mean she’s just an innocent cat, and just believes in her owners and thinks that everything is okay.

i think that’s about it :p hope that all is well with everyone, i’d love to hear more about how you’re all doing. much love xoxox

mommy dearest ;(

 

hello loves :) happy may! and happy saturday ;P …..

well, this morning i had a bowl of oats, a nice melange of quick and old fashion (extra-thick! …bob’s red mill) oats, with dark raisins, pear & raw almonds, cinnamon and ginger and topped with crystallized ginger and almond milk. i ate something similar a little while ago, which is shown below ;P but, close enough.

i still don’t love pear in oats, they lose their sweetness and i normally just rely on bananas to sweeten my oats. but i didn’t have one in my cereal today, so i had hoped the raisins would help. i added a tiny bit of dark natural honey part way through ;)

its so freaking hot today i want to die. blahhh. i went for a short run this morning and, out of the sun, it wasn’t too bad. but i don’t enjoy running in heat. everyone else seems to love it though.

so im different.

i have been slowly packing my things, as im moving home for a short while. but, most of it will be in storage for when i get my own place (again, though this could possibly be my own apartment or condo. dreaming but hopefully it could happen soon! after i start working more regularly, and so on…) and i have also been decorating in the process.

which seems sort of pointless.

but i’ll be using much of the furniture (like my armoire) in the new place. both doors have a few things on the inside; one is more fashion-inspired, but the other reflects films, movies and art. you see, as i was putting things into bins i went through much of my old teen vogues, i guess i haven’t subscribed in a few years. but i have kept a pretty massive stack. so i took some of the things from there, which is why some of these photos are dated. but they are from my favourite issues or articles, segments.

ugh. well lately my life is sort of shit. all-time low, we’re talking here. im not sure when i became so dependent; like a child, really. its pretty sad.

the title was just from something i came across in one of the old issues (ironically it was about negative mother-daughter relationships…or, destructive/unhealthy, sort of..), but it sort of connects. i promise im not that much of a baby. but i do have some weird issues with change and seeing certain people. go. i don’t even live at home, but its always been more than the ‘norm’ in terms of how i feel. sorry that sentence was horrible. aha i can’t write anymore ;( my parents are away for a couple of weeks, and im supposed to check on the house a bit. and my evey (cat) ;) is here with us (my brother and me). she often stays with us when my parents are away. but my brother is also on some work training retreat, or resort thing. so i haven’t actually been alone overnight in this place (our apartment) over the past year and a bit that we’ve been here. i’ve been at my house or family home a lot overnight and sometimes for a week, and when i was at Dal for uni, i was always alone (except in residence). so i just wanted to clear  that up ;P my parents have always made sure that i leave home for periods, ever since i was, like, eight i guess for camp.

i guess i sort of thought that, by posting today, it might make me feel better. i know its the internet, but i still feel connected to most of you, which makes me feel slightly less alone. (i say today but i really mean yesterday, i tried to post this but wasn’t finished at all…and got mixed up with other things that i had to do. and other thoughts.) alas! …anyway. i just really wanted to be able to use ‘alas’, i think that worked though, right? ive been watching too much harry potter. and i really want some bertie botts beans :) good ones, or just yummy jelly bellies.

its taken me too long to write this up…i was out doing things and still haven’t completed it, so ive been creating this post in stages. its evening now, but i had a lovely walk back. it was a bit chilly but much nicer than the past few days, and no humidity. so, much better & thus im much happier. well, with  the weather anyway ;P that’s all really, i know it isn’t much of a post, and i hesitate to go on and share more. because a lot of stuff is going on and i really don’t know what is going to happen to me or how im going to fix myself, but i feel like there is little reason to mention it (for privacy reasons but also because its not helping any of you to just expose everything!)

but…in a way i also want to talk to people, especially to those who have been in sort-of-similar situations. maybe i wouldn’t feel as lonely. so, if you’re reading this, i’d obviously love to talk to you more :) and i really appreciate the people who i’ve connected with, as they have been very helpful, kind & supportive. anyway, this is so awkward and sappy now. so i’ll just…uhm, go now… hehe..okay, talk to you later, lots of love. xoxox