don't sweat the small stuff

hey lovelies :):)

today i had my first pear oats i believe :) yum, the pear didn't seem that ripe to touch, but it was flavourful and juicy and lovely when i tried it...gave the other half to my brother :P

"ginger pear oats"

this is not my photo of course, its monica.shaw on flickr, yet i thought it depicted mine fairly well

mixture of old fashion & scottish oatmeal in water, with cinnamon, ginger, blanched almonds, 1/2 bosc pear & 1/2 ginger slice

i am having so much trouble focusing on things, especially notes/work which is important. and i get so distracted, but i realise its my fault. and then i feel guilty because im not working as hard as i should. when i actually accomplish something it's such a wonderful feeling, difficult to explain, sort of a mood that i feel. and i have not yet felt that in a while. but i guess if i keep doing little things, moving forward slightly, and try to stay somewhat positive, i think i might be okay.
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i found this linked on emily's blog a little while ago so i thought it would be useful in describing certain things about me...

A: is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?… golden delicious, or ida red i think its called? crunchy ones anyway, or applesauce (unsweetened)

B: is for bread... stonemill (brand) either the spelt one, or sasha bread company spelt (expensive though ugh) or just stonemill ‘grains+honey’, so i guess whole grain varieties, with some sort of nut/seed

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)…oh this is not fair! you mean cold, right? i guess a multigrain or wheat 'square' type, especially this organic wheat square from a local store, its a mixture of corn, wheat + oat flour base i think but its not too sweet and i love it; or spoon size shredded wheat, then add banana. i also like muesli (flakes) added in sometimes...

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy? i dont eat them, or havent in so long. but when i did i believe i had apple fritter, nothing like 'filled' or anything, and when i was little i'd always get the one with sprinkles, vanilla icing too :P not the chocolate

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?… hard boiled + cold. w coarse ground pepper

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product? hmm natural plain yogurt i think. + skim

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase your at?… sobeys or ziggies (lawblaws)

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?… coffee (black) for morning! but i love herbal tea esp later on, peppermint :)

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping…hm. i cant really have ice cream but i have vanilla soy ice cream or frozen yog often; i remember ordering the peanut butter chocolate ice cream cone at this place 'the nutty chocolatiere' in a small town i grew up in and a 'kiddie cone' you'd get like smarties + two chocolate discs on top to make a mickey mouse

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?…jam. apricot or raspberry or strawberry, esp the organic ones :P idk like i feel its more natural. we dont really have jelly in canada i dont think and the thought sort of grosses me out :P idk like spreadable jello?

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?…the organic cinnamon wheat square things :)

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?… im not sure when this is posting, but from this point/day, i had...whole grain spelt (mix of sourdough, ww, wwspelt) bread, one with a bit of cashew nut butter and the other a smidgen of organic creamy honey, unsweetened applesauce, baby carrots and a bit of skim cottage cheese...cinnamon (sprinkled on the applesauce and honey) & ginger (on the carrots and cashew butter); cold peppermint tea mug on the side (i had made it earlier and thus it cooled down :P)

M: is for Milk, what kind do you like (flavor, source, etc)?… skim (cows) or non-fat soy milk

N: is for Nuts, what kind are your favorite?… almonds. natural, and peanut for a nut butter

O: is for Onions, do you eat them?…cooked i guess often in a stir fry so its like caramelized?

P: is for Protein, what is your favorite source?…hm well on my own i guess yogurt or cottage cheese as i dont often cook meat, but chicken (skinless + boneless) otherwise, baked in the oven w like a touch of yogurt, breadcrumb + thyme to keep it sort of moist (for my family as i honestly like it dried out)

Q: is for Quiche, what 4 ingredients would you like in yours?… idk i have had it like once? im not sure how they come....

R: is for Restaurant, what’s the name of your favorite and what type of cuisine does it serve?…i dont go out often at all ;( but italian was often my favourite, like thin crust pizzas (marguerita is just tomato sauce + basil) with a nice greens/house salad)...il fornello or spigas (places near me, i used to go more often with my family)

S: is for Spices, name 4 that are in your kitchen right now that you have used in the past 5 days?… cinnamon, ginger, coarse-ground pepper...i have fennel seed + rosemary but its been a little while...

T: is for Trick or Treating, what 5 candies does your bag contain?…reeses peanut butter cups, hmm i just remember liking those. any type of gum, i remember being really excited when people would give out legit size chocolate bars...ahh um this is like when i was young, at the moment i wouldnt want trick or treat things...i guess skittles + smarties?

U: is for Universal, what is your favorite type of cuisine from around the world?… im not very good with this + dont branch out much...i guess italian for good thin crust pizza, honestly thats all...maybe greek for some things, + mediterranean but my stomach is always really messed up :/

V: is for Vitamins, do you take them, and if so, what kinds?… vit C, multi V + probiotics (udo's)

W: is for Water, do you drink bottled, spring, tap, sparkling, etc?… tap, and a lot :)

X: is for Xtra special, what food holds a special place in your heart?… hmm well cereal because i love it...but gelato (i havent had it for a looong time) reminds me of when i was with friends in milano italy :) and eating it with my family at this amazing place in my city...and just like certain food at my cottage reminds me of childhood there, corn on the cob when its in season...etc.

Y: is for Yogurt, you can only afford 1 cup, what kind do you purchase? frozen yogurt. (i agree emily)

Z: is for Zero guilt, what food can you enjoy over and over without any guilt? mmm bananas maybe...unless i have a million...water :P if its not too much...just breakfast (in general....) most of the time

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that's really all there is to know about me...:P baha im joking. that's surfacy things, i thought i'd post today as im likely going somewhere later in the week so i wouldn't do anything here until perhaps next week, then i have exams. it's sort of cooled down. i was awake for a while because of some storm activity earlier this morning, but honeslty i cannot remember the last time it rained. maybe in early june? may? idk??? we needed it. but its so moist now, like not humid but damp? sort of gross.

im tired now, and spent so long doing dishes, and just running around doing stuff today, idk what really, but everything seems to take extremely long, and im exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally. constantly pretty much. its sort of sad but yea i need to work on something maybe, figure out how to deal with things. i'll talk to you sometime soon ish i hope :P xox

that's me in a nutshell

hey lovelies :):)

this morning's breakfast was new :) and i was quite proud of myself actually :P more traditional oatmeal, with a theme...and part of a bar:

"cinnamon roll oats"

mixture of quick oats and 5 grain rolled oats in water with 1/2 frozen sliced banana (which was actually good on its own, i thought i would be gross but it thawed very quickly)...lots of cinnamon and ginger, with 1 tbsp almond-raisin granola & 1/2 cinnamon-roll larabar...one of two left :(

oh. my. god. okay, officially i think the world may be ending. yesterday, it was horrid, humidex of fifty one. fifty. it hit 38 or so but felt like a freaking sauna, i walked over to my appointment at 4:30 and thought i would be sick on the street. it was that awful. but its supposed to get a bit better by sunday, 29 i think? then perhaps some rain and what not in the early part of next week. ugh i cannot wait for cooler weather, honestly. our internet was down, one of the major companies, all day yesterday, fried from the heat maybe? i worked on notes, was anxious for my appointment, like seriously messed up nervous, but watched a bit of one of my favourite films, and longed for autumn weather.

"don't you just love new york in the fall?"



lately i've been doing, well, nothing too exciting. school work, other work, studying, being stupid. :P im trying to focus on things that do matter, and i'm trying to be positive. that's something i say/write a lot on here. most of the time it's a lie i think, but this time it's sort of true. i want to be happy, but sometimes it seems easier to just give up i guess, or stay low.

"harry potter, it all ends"

one of the saddest farewells, this was brutal. when they're all crying at the end. :( sort of killing myself watching, yet you want to. you want to cry i guess. i want this though, i mean the thing about films, and i know i sound like a dreamer, but you meet amazing people and just the whole filming and acting and production experience seems beyond incredible. plus you become other people, and for films you're often shooting in these on -location shoots across the world.

but on a related note, i love this series. the books are my favourite, only because, well they're the beginning and they're just so magical. jk rowling writes so wonderfully, with such description, and each character seemed (seems...because i won't accept it to be over, especially since i've re read the series multiple times since the final book release in 2007) so real to me. but the films are also incredible in my opinion, everything really comes to life. and i love the actors, and everything really.

right now i'm just finishing up a degree, and its more film/theatre/history, though i started out in my university's acting program. it is theatre based, and the first year with my classmates was scary but quite amazing, and i grew close to many of them. but i love film so much, and i've become interested also in anything known as "behind the scenes"...though i'd ultimately love to act, to sort of get into the business i would say that i enjoy learning about all areas. along with television, radio, etc. but honestly if i could act in films, make film and just be a part of them, i think i'd be truly happy. but of course happiness is also about your life, and family, and what not. so i'd need to find a balance like that, and be happy with myself i guess, which i'm not even close to achieving at the moment. perhaps that's why i love to act, or to pretend, or to dream...i imaging my life differently? but the thing is, although film and stories and novels are escapist entertainment, that's not quite it. i would love the experience of making films, not simply the acting part. so i think i just always imaging i'll be different, or things will get better, or somehow i'll end up achieving what i truly want. but i lack reality sometimes, or figuring out how i'm going to get there. which is why my parents have always considered me a bit of a 'dreamer'...and why they were quite adamant that i achieve a more general degree as a basis. but i did want to go to school, i think i like to learn, and i wanted a degree even though i knew that it would likely not lead me directly into a career, or even form the basis of one. i just wanted to have it.

i feel like a bit of a, phoney. not that but just not very honest. honest with some things but perhaps i'm giving the impression that i'm trying to get better all the time...but im not actually trying. ugh this sounds odd. i just don't want to post about how i purposely did something or ate less or whatever, because then, well it would seem odd, like what are you trying to do jen ask for help? just brag about being restrictive, have people get angry with you? and i assume that when i read other blogs they're honest and usually people post about how much they want to get away from their eds and issues and are trying so hard, and of course i know its true. so i just feel sick saying this, but im not always trying to be better. its not that i want to be sad or sick or just not okay. but often i find certain things triggering, and then appealing...and if im just upset about one thing i'll turn to something which seems 'safe'. im making absolutely no sense. but i just wanted to say, i appreciate the messages so much, but then i feel guilty when an amazing person would write that i'm trying so hard, or they believe me, or that it's inspiring, which i just don't associate with myself at all. i feel like im failing i feel like im doing this to myself and i don't feel inspiring at all. i can't associate myself with those words but i would love to, i really would.

i do love this photo of elle, however, and wish i could do those braids with my hair

that's all really, i hope you're dealing with this heat in a good way, stay cool please :) xox love you all

need to breathe

hey lovelies :):)

so, today is going to be even hotter than yesterday. feeling like mid to high forties (celcius) baha. :/ it kills me. but still i wanted to run so i woke up eaaarly to do a little bit. eventually i had some breakfast, cold cereal...

mostly spoon-sized shredded wheat, with a bit of almond-raisin muesli flakes + life cereal (original), along with some skim milk, ginger&cinnamon + some large almonds...mmm. and some coffee.


this is an old photo of mine, but it sort of depicts my breaky, more bite-sized shredded wheat and less of the life however :P

a breakfast from a wednesday morning from home :)

plain oats with nannner, cinnamon, almonds. mix of dry cereal (almond raisin granola + multigrain wheat squares with some milk) + coffee...i like to put the dry cereal in a little mug (the flower tea one :P) and then add the milk. but keep it there until it is partially absorbed. like soggy cereal, which i realise sounds nasty but its yum usually. and then i add it on top and eat some myself :)

i like to reflect on my past sometimes (the good things...but often the negative things stay with you)...and talk about memories and myself. but that sounds self-absorbed. i just like remembering things and when i talk to my mom about that, she always assumes im self-absorbed :P like we have a collection of home videos on dvds which just recently were transferred, so i would watch them when i was at my cottage, with others and sometimes just for fun alone. but when i talk about them i often get the"look"...like, you're too obsessed with yourself. but often the videos include them! i don't get it. i just find it fascinating to see my younger self, my brother, and esp my parents (i really didn't "know" them as people when i was little, just as parents)...my brother for example, i love seeing how he was because i didn't really know him in the same way i do now, or i was just too young or not alive to see him when he was little. also, i remember thoughts that i had at age 3 do its so interested for me to just see what i was like. i just try to imagine what was going on in that mind of mine then. and some of the videos cover my piano, when i was talking lessons a lot and just constantly practicing, and it's inspiring for me to see how i was in the past, and hope that i can get that way again. i realise that people advise you not to look back, but often that presents a source of hope for me, and for my future. does that sound lame? :P idk i just like seeing them. but i was not an attractive baby. so so so big. :)

i've been having this creamy brown rice hot cereal quite a bit, usually for my brother as well as he seems to like it :P funny boy...but its yum and initially i let him use my honey (the lighter one) for sweetening it but he says he doesn't need it anymore :) an example of my bowl is with banana, almonds and a little bit of raisin-almond muesli flakes, and the cereal is cooked in water with cinnamon&ginger. i thought this photo sort of reminded me of it:


i would consider it dried mango on top :P inspired me actually to start making it...but also ginger slices perhaps, apricot something ish?
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i've been thinking a bit about this blog, and what i'm trying to talk about, deliver, etc. im not sure. i started sharing more, and wasn't too worried about the whole privacy thing, but now i feel as though i don't want to keep sharing so much. i feel like its hurting others more than helping, and i've never offered support through here. plus the fact that it is the internet sort of gets to me sometimes. perhaps if there was a theme to this, then it would make more sense and i'd have direction. but i feel like the only way i have more to talk about is if more 'bad' things happen, which sounds silly. but i don't write about the good things. lately i've been having trouble with a lot of things, so i guess i haven't really noticed the positives, if there were any. but for some reason i don't focus on those, in real life or on here. and i have so much trouble articulating things :/ i mean this makes no sense. i guess i'm not a writer? :P but i love sharing some things, and i love reading blogs. so i'm just stuck. i don't know what to do here...? i guess its obvious i like talking about myself sometimes. only certain things :P i know i don't have many people here but i love the supportive comments i've received, and reading your blogs, and learning more...if you have any questions just ask, and i can try to answer :)

xoxoxox love you all :)

when everything seems all wrong

hey lovelies :):)

i thought i'd use this again, though its not mine (i might be doing this for a while until i can take
more photos...i hope i don't get hate mail or something :/ aha)...

today i had shredded wheat bites with banana, almonds, cinnamon&ginger and skim milk, with a touch of gf whole grain rice chex

i thought i was doing better :/ i just had the worst night, well maybe not. and im sure i'll have bad ones to come. but i didn't sleep. i was awake till nearly 5 just trying to sleep, i was so tired. hot. and scared. because apparently i can't sleep anymore? i tried the eating before bed, which scares me, and then read for an hour, didn't use the computer...like 5 hours of trying. i hate this. im just so terrified i won't be able to sleep. tonight esp and any night. honestly after 5 hours, i was like....what if i never sleep? i mean you need to sleep to survive, and i thought i was just horribly messed up. here's to good nights i hope ;(

and i want these. so so so badly, they're from the 2006 collection i think marc by marc...or just marc jacobs idk but its the ones dakota fanning wore a lot in the teen vogue thing that year, and they were custom made for her and she got to keep them. ;( too unfair eh? ohhh speaking of dakota...

tehee i feel like such a tard but im happyyy and ohh gosh mean girls anyone...w karen putting stickers on her face in the mirrror and it ends up spelling it backward :P just like the writing on this photo

today i've had to do a lot of errands and work and family stuff, so i was worried with the whole lack of sleep thing...knowing i'd be tired and sicky and like cranky. i just came home to prepare a cake for my mom's birthday today, she's out visiting her sister (who's really ill) and shopping for herself and a few other things. and she wanted an orange shiffon cake, it's quite tricky and i've just completed it. you separate the eggs but when i put it all together, it didn't seem 'right'. and it called for six eggs. gahhh. i know cakes normally call for a lot, maybe three but six? ohhh well :P i can't skimp on it, i was going to but my mom separate them this morning and she phoned me, i was sort of trying to sleep as i hadn't much of course and said that it was probably a good idea for her to do it as i'd be out of it when i arrived :P but i felt sort of accomplished, it's been a while since i've baked, and especially a cake, and in particular something i haven't subbed. i put some applesauce for oil but otherwise it's just a nice cake, flour, sugar, orange rind, etc. and the eggs. i hope it turns out okay.

i just shared my first ever carrot cake larabar with my mom. her favourite cake is...carrot cake, and since i made something different this year i thought i'd have this with her...from an amazing wonderful inspiring love who sent it to me, as we do not have this flavour yet :P

xoxoxoxox i must go and eat with my famjam, mother's birthday and what not. i hope you're well and stay strong because i know it's going to be okay

just a saturday

"the little girl wasn't supposed to know. she had been forbidden to play in the bramble maze. mamma and grandmamma had told her it was dangerous to go near the cliff. but sometimes, when no one was looking, she liked to do forbidden things"

- The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

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hey lovelies :):)

this photo is not mine, however i had a mixture of toasted old fashion rolled oats and organic scottish oats :) on the stove cooked in water, with cinnamon&ginger (no banana but i had some beforehand!), with almonds and a few raisins, a touch of natural dark (forest) honey, and nonfat soymilk and this (gf) brown rice chex cereal.

i've been trying to be positive each day, but im having a bit of trouble. ive been feeling very sick/ill lately as well and have had not-so-nice symptoms which is both painful/annoying and scary for me. but...i guess i just have to keep going. its very hot too which isn't my first choice :P ahhh i long for autumn :)

a breakfast from home (my family's house) this past friday...after a very short run. i wasn't feeling that well at all :( it seems to be a bad trend... :/

"banana ginger oats"

oats with bananana, ginger, cinnamon, almonds + dry cereal (multigrain + "o's")...hoping i'd feel less ill :/

so...im very excited for the last harry potter. well, sad of course. but also excited. i don't know if i'll be able to see it right away as i never bought tickets online, essentially the only way to see it within the first few weeks. but i know what happens obviously so i don't need to rush :) do you like the novels and/or films? i love love love the books, the writing is wonderful and the characters are so real to me.

my first kind bar, almond&apricot, no mention of coconut in the title but i should have read further. not that i don't like it...its just not something i'm used to or choose to eat often (or at all really :P) and this was filled with large pieces. but it was actually okay :)

i've been having a bit of trouble (well a lot) sleeping. i normally take a long time to fall asleep, unless im dead tired or take something (which doesn't always help though)...but lately even if im dead tired, i hear so many noises and think about things and just it takes hours often. and then i wake up early for numerous reasons and cannot fall back asleep. i know i've read something about lack of calories affecting sleep, and i never bothered to worry about it since i felt i was getting enough. but lately i might have less calories (not necessarily food and not really on purpose initially) at dinner, like my pm and evening snack can almost equal the same amount, which seems scary...either i eat much less for dinner or my snacks are too high. but it evens itself out i think. unless im at home and eat with my family, then the meal is higher and i try to even things out and have less as a night snack/dessert...something i found difficult at my cottage since the dinners often amounted to more calories than when i make mine at home for myself. but should that affect my sleep? i mean, a while ago when i ate much much much less i don't remember having too many issues with sleep. unless i've forgotten. or maybe it wasn't something i focused on since my mind was on other things. ugh its annoying but more so just scary, and hopeless. not being able to sleep is like one of the more hopeless and helpless feelings. i just start to cry sometimes just willing myself to fall asleep but obviously that does not help. and i worry i'll get ill if i don't sleep enough. and then my whole day im worrying about, okay when will i go to bed this time, what if i sleep even less, what will happen...and so on. does anyone else suffer with this?

i shall go now :) and i hope you're all doing well. until next time lovely loves :P

here's to new beginnings :)

hey lovelies :):)

to start off the day, this morning's apple*currant*almond oatmeal

old fashion oats in water with cinnamon, chopped golden delicious apple, currants, shared between three people, almonds on mine :)

fortunately, i was able to go to my cottage for a longer visit than normal, in honour of the long weekend (canada day...the first) i guess july forth was also part of the weekend :) but of course the first is the most important :P so i have been away for nearly a week? and it has been quite nice. away from the computer, school, the city, etc....apart from today, i was not even thinking about my computer, but the anxieties came back because i just have so many things to check when i get back home. and my brother was up too, we drove together (my parents came before the rest of the world apparently ugh worst. traffic. of my life. thus far anyway...) and as he doesn't come up much (neither do i) and doesn't see my parents often and just wants to be busy all the time, we did a few different things because he wanted to make the best of it. so it was nice :)

pb*banana*oats

old fashion oats in water with some ripe banana, cinnamon, topped with a bit of pb+co smooth operator, yummy flax granola, bit of milk.

the first night we watched the perfect getaway. ohhh gosh seriously intense filmage there :P honestly, has anyone seen that? obviously the title implies that it is about the opposite. nightmarish getaway to say the least. but the ending, ahhh i don't want to spoil it but i think you should all see it, okay?

re-reading for the billionth time...preparing for the end of an era

i went for a run one day, earlier in the morning. well i actually slept it but it was a bit early...ish :P and after showering/etc i had a bowl of cold cereal:

multigrain wheat squares with sliced banana, almonds, nonfat soy milk.

...and then we had to leave ;(

i am so sorry ;( seriously. i feel ashamed, really :/ to leave everything off with that last post, it wasn't nice at all. i like being honest, but when i think about how i want people to read this (i think ?)...i don't expect anyone, i wouldn't want anyone and i highly doubt anyone would want to read that piece of 'literature???' i left last time. we all have enough going on in our own lives (the good and the bad), and it's not helpful to hear someone just complain and write about everything that bothers them. and i cannot believe how incredible some people are, just absolutely wonderfully amazing, i don't deserve nice words like that. so thank you for being so helpful, more than i could explain in words, even in real life probably. so...here's to new beginnings. i promise ;)

lots and lots and lots of love & such xox