trying to 'un-learn'

hey lovelies :):)

why, hello there :) happy saturday to you...is it cold where you are? its cold here. i was out early (ish) this morning for a little run, and it was awful :P ahhh i was cursing mother nature each time a huge gust of bitter wind was thrown my way. but it was my choice to go out. well, partly, i felt like i had to. but im glad i did. after getting ready i had breakfast, and then sipped my coffee for a bit while reading harry potter & sitting next to my mom. she was reading "a tree grows in brooklyn", which she highly recommends. so i will probably read that soon. im just visiting home for a day or so. its nice to see my cat :) ahhh i love her she's so freaking cute :P

"banana-pb&chocolate-chip-oats"



plain instant oats with a banana, chopped almonds & cinnamon;
topped with part of a crumbled pb+chocolate larabar, shredded wheat bites and soymilk :)



ive only had chocolate of some sort once perhaps on oats, and its not really my thing, its a bit early for that + i dont want to feel sick :/ but this was just a little. i felt weird naming the oats chocolate, i'd rather say oatmeal with cinnamon, banana, almonds, with shredded wheat, crumbled larabar + soymilk. i just feel the need to explain that, idk i just feel weird putting something so "dessert" on my breakfast.

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something came to my attention, very strongly, almost in an itching way after reading emily's last post. i need to write something down, comment on hers, explain something or i would go crazy. it was a really weird feeling. maybe that's what writers feel like? i now understand that strong necessity to release something like words, which i've never before experienced. of course i have experienced it with emotion, and speaking aloud. but not writing. and i know i seem to be copying every inch of everyone in the blog world, which i honestly am not trying to do. i just feel like we (and many people in the blog world, especially these types of blogs) have so much in common. it's quite scary actually, but basically just strange, to read someone's entry and think. oh. my. god. that is me, i could have written that, i feel that...and maybe this is why i should be blogging. to figure out these thoughts, but also to try to connect to someone, to help someone. i never thought i would be doing this. i first started a blog because i had read two blogs in particular, and felt like i understood these girls, and i wanted to meet them. odd, yes. but i do that. throughout my life i often meet people and think, i want to be friends with them. and somehow i try to connect with them and make it work. is that weird? i find that it might sound creepy. but i think its just like trying to 'choose your friends'. anyway, often im wrong. and we end up drifting apart, or i don't really connect with them or the feeling doesn't end up being mutual. and then of course there are the friends that you become acquainted with almost by accident, and that's great as well.

but the point of this was, i do feel a bit lost and completely uncertain about my future. i used to have a plan, i always had a dream of what i wanted to do and i still do. but getting there seems impossible. i feel like i've come to terms with reality, and it's a bit ugly. it's not so simple anymore. from far away (or from a younger age, thirteen lets say) things seem so much more possible because there is such distance. the things i worried about then, i though, oh well when im older (say twenty..) i won't care, i'll be grown up and i'll be fine. that never happened. i only got worse, and the anxiety is stronger, the fears greater. but even when i challenge myself, do things that i don't want to do...well it's forced, right? i feel like i will never be who i used to be, now that i've experienced this sort of thing, developed these habits and thoughts and fears. it's like that saying, 'knowledge is power'. i don't think you ever lose it, so how can i possibly be happy? just forget everything? just tell myself i don't care, i'm not scared, i want to move on? i can't do it. i hate to be pathetic but it's true. and honestly i don't necessarily want to. i mean, i don't want to live in misery, but changing everything seems more daunting, and when nothing is certain, im scared to just take those risks in case nothing ends up improving. now that i've experienced these issues, disorders, thoughts, well this knowledge stays with me. it's like i have to "un-learn" everything in order to start new. but that means forgetting the past, and some of the memories were good. and i think that my issues, although not pleasant to go through, are a sort of control that i am so used to, that letting go is just like letting a part of me go. if i feel lost now, how lost will i feel then?

im sorry, i just had to say that. i feel like a fake. i mean, why am i writing this? why am i not doing anything? it's pathetic. and yet, im not where i want to be and i still look at myself and see such a need, a desire, for improvement. no matter what. and i don't think that will ever change. maybe i'm stubborn, but i just can't trust that things are going to be okay if i change, when i do make certain changes under someone else's guidance, and i get nothing...



im sorry that was endless. i always say too much, i write for too long, i over think. i've been told that on several occasions. "jen you over-analyse, chill out, you think too much, etc". well i'd rather do that than under-think, under-analyse, not think enough. i'm an emotional person i guess, and im really sensitive, and...yea, i think. a lot. maybe thats why i struggle with issues like anxiety, fears, eating...trying to control things?

last night while laying in bed i could not stop thinking about this. and just about my past in general, and of mental/emotional illnesses, something which i never understood when i was younger. i, like many people, looked down upon it, and thought that it referred to crazy people, and honestly the topic made me so uneasy. it scared me. the thing is that i hate to put labels on things, and i never like to say that i suffer from such-and-such, because its like im using it as a crutch, and i dont want it to define me. plus, im embarrassed. not so much on here (although i am scared to publish this post, i always doubt myself & don't know if i'm saying "too much")...but in real life. i guess i feel like an eating disorder is more "accepted" than something like anxiety, depression, ocd (i'm not saying that i suffer from all of these things. i'm not saying that i don't). but i used to judge people, because i just didn't know any better. i was ignorant. i am ignorant. i hate that mental illnesses have such a negative stigma attached to them. but its because people just don't understand. and i hate that i'm ignorant or judgmental toward similar issues & struggles because it's just so unfair for those going through that hell. so in a sense maybe i'm glad that, because i 've sort of experienced some of these more first hand, i've become more aware, more understanding, and less ignorant.

wow. what a lovely topic for a saturday afternoon ;( im sorry. actually, im not. i need to stop doing that. because no one is forcing me to share my opinions, to write, to blog. i put this upon myself. i am my own enemy, and i am the one that hurts myself. no one else can be blamed for my struggles. i have so many thoughts crammed in my mind that it's hard to concentrate sometimes, so i need to get them out. i just feel like i can never express them well, like other bloggers, and i need to stop comparing myself to others, i need to stop wishing my life were different, that i was better, prettier, smarter, more intelligent, more articulate, thinner, thinner, thinner...healthier, more liked & loved, normal. because, in my eyes, i never will be. i keep thinking if i just change...work harder, then i will be happier. happy. but it never happens. i have these dreams in my head that are not obtainable. i think that's why i suffer from these "illnesses" (though, like i said, i hate to say that, because many people feel like that's cheating, that's a crutch). but im not excusing myself because of them, im merely using the labels to explain my behaviour at times. i will take the blame, and i end up dealing with the consequences. but i always want to be something else because i don't like who i am. and i don't know how to change that, i don't want to accept something that i'm not truly happy with, and proud of.

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on a more positive note, i just baked a few things :) you see, i usually make a treat for my mom, dad & brother, an individual goodie to go along with their store-bought present. so today i made snickerdoodles for my dad, peanut butter cups for my brother...and next time i will make almond-raisin biscotti for my mom. but shhhhhh...don't tell them ;P

lots of love

jen

xox

oatmeal to warm the soul

hey lovelies :):)

this morning i awoke to frost outside, covering the cars, trees, and on the ground as i noticed on my little run :) i enjoyed a lovely breakfast after getting ready. and afterward some coffee while doing some work

plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, cooked with 1/2 banana, a small juicy prune, almonds
and topped with a touch of crystallized ginger, organic multigrain wheat squares and milk :)

how incredible is this melange?
i guess my breakfast today would be closest to the banana nut on the right ;)

maybe this can serve as my inspiration for oatmeal mornings to come :) the coffee cake looks yum, but i think it would be too sweet unless it was simply a crumbled ww muffin on top perhaps? otherwise, i might try to recreate something like the berry one or the pb+j (j for jam, we don't have jelly here except like odd stuff, and i don't like jelly, natural jams though are lovely); of course the blueberry one could be nice when they're in season. so i guess, july.

i finished off my prunes today; i bought this so long ago and they were lovely and juicy and fresh
kept in the fridge. i think it was my first prune package ever. i'd like to get them again :)
the last was used in my breakfast today, as mentioned above.

i've been attempting to post more often, and so far i've surpassed last months i think :P it's good for me to do this i think, and i do like to write. not always about myself, but oh well. i'm not sure what to write about, and i can't just talk about my day, as it's rarely good/exciting and part of it is work. which i can't really talk about, more for privacy/confidential reasons and what not. and im not really recovering i don't think, i feel odd posting about that. it's like i don't have a purpose and i'm not a good influence :P so why do i have a blog? oh i don't know :/ i started one because i had read so many lovely blogs, largely on ed recovery and also because i love breakfast, and people focused on lovely oats and cereal. but i've never shared much about my own struggles i guess. should i do that? i feel like i'll be judged, one way or another. but if i don't then i don't think i should be posting, you know? please be honest: is this blog pointless?

anyway, enough about that! gosh, negative nancy should be my nickname i think.

a breakfast from earlier this week at my house :)

plain instant Quaker oats, sliced banana, roasted almonds (not my favourite, i like the raw/natural best)
topped with shredded wheat, milk & a smidgen of pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl. made without cinnamon or ginger as i was out ;( however the oats looked a bit more photogenic since they were lighter in colour

ohhh guess what???

okay, well i am getting a camera! actually. i might have it now. my dad is picking it up for me and he told me yesterday that he went to a local store with my mom, just researching some for me! sweet man :) but i was sort of choosing between a specific SLR, cannon or nikon. and the nikon was slightly cheaper, and i'm a bit more familiar with it as my dad has one and i loved to use it when he wasn't looking. i kid, he always looks. he's a bit over protective of his things, however i don't blame him as those things are expensive! i hope it will be a good purchase though, i was talking to him yesterday as he picked me up from work (not a typical thing btw but i was eating dinner at home and he offered to do so!) because i was freaking out about the cost, and i said...its a camera for life right? and he said, perhaps. but i will take such good care of it. im scared to take it out. maybe i'll keep my little digital for that. once i get batteries. its just that it eats them up in like three shots no joke :/

so i left you with some positive news i hope. unless something goes wrong. maybe i shouldn't have said anything. i'm sort of superstitious like that, and lately quite unlucky and negative. but i just need to arrange a one hour free (well, free when you pay for the camera of course :P) lesson with a girl at the store, and then i can begin to learn :)
im so excited!

i would love to hear about oatmeal recipes :) i might have asked this already but im doing it again. i love love love hearing about new ideas, and i love hearing from you. honestly it just makes me smile :) most of the time, anyway. i hope you're all doing well & moving along, keep going and stay positive. lots of love to you all.

xox

love jen

one cold saturday in december...

hey lovelies :)

happy saturday, happy december third :)

this morning's breakfast was "banana-almond-oats" :)

plain Quaker quickoats microwaved with most of a very ripe banana, cinnamon&ginger,
raw natural almonds, topped with a few tbsp organic multigrain squares + a touch of skim milk

this is not mine, however it resembles it slightly...

because i don't have a camera with me at the moment, i will resort to using my old photos or ones that i find, occasionally (though i might get some hate if the photographer sees them, i always credit though!) and when i go home i can use my dad's nice camera, or find some batteries for my own little thing :P i hope that's okay, and that it will suffice...for now anyway. photography is something that i love and i want to continue taking a variety of photos and improve my (lack of) skill..

anyway, i was able to watch a bit of something fun before my run. i was raised with the notion that daytime tv was bad. even on the weekend, we never really were allowed to watch "cartoons" and what not. if it was a rainy day even...well sometimes we could see a film, but were encouraged to at least go out to see one, otherwise do something else, like reading. that's okay because i love to read. my brother doesn't really though, and only likes non-fiction things that he's interested in. honestly, just a few weeks ago he said he finished a book, and it's been years since he's read through one :P i didn't understand, i just don't see how he can live like that. the first two harry potter books that i now own, well they were his. his name is written in the top of the opened cover, and my grandmother had given them to him (she alwyas gave us books, along with money and what not, for christmas and birthdays) but he never finished, he didn't like the series :O thankfully, i came upon them after they were popular for a while, and enjoyed them. i came back a few years later to start reading the rest and loved them. and a year or so ago i decided to re-read them...and now i can't live without them...but the point of this huge paragraph, was that arthur was on tvo kids (a kids branch of the canadian network TVO) and i love arthur :P its on at like 8am on weekdays and 8:30 on weekends, and then 4 or something in the afternoon. well i keep missing it, and today i was able to catch a bit of it before leaving. honestly, best cartoon ever. that and family guy. i know they're polar opposites. i like the style of animation, it's basic but colourful. and it reminds me of family guy a bit.

tvo kids was something that i used to watch, for a while when i was younger i only watched it on friday afternoon and evenings, again we weren't allowed much tv. and i'd watch a few shows in a row. and when i started swimming more competitively my brother would tape them for me :P i still have one vhs of a few ytv and tvokids shows like arthur, magic school bus + my little planet...did that ever air where you are? i remember the theme song...

"cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou here i am? but you cannot, cannot, see me...cou-cou, cou-cou, cou-cou, look my way, listen to what i have to say: all of the stars in the sky, our planet is flying by..."

...and so on. :P too bad you can't hear the tune though, i should have included it below in my video, since my voice is so incredible. not.

i can't seem to find a clip on youtube, i guess its canadian. explains why it's not known. people think we're some odd foreign planet, well many americans do anyway :P "oh, yes. i'd love to come to canadaahhh". i don't mean that in a rude way, don't worry. i am probably ignorant when it comes to american terms and other nations in the world. i try not to be though...but its funny how often i hear people say (like americans who live close ish to me) how they want to come to canada, and they don't say a city or province, referring to the entire country even though we're like...right there. i think it would be weird if i said, "oh i want to come to america to visit"...since im close, i try to say a city or a state. anyway, i think im getting into a hole here, i hope you don't think im a bitch. but, im just sad i can't find that clip :/ it's a cute song. maybe this will do:

well that's all i have to say...:P i hope you're all enjoying the start to your weekends, and enjoying breakfast :) and what not. i need new breakfast ideas i think. i feel like mine lack the inspiration like those i see on your lovely blogs. see you soon :)

xox

love jen <3

december and regrets

hey lovelies :):)

*odd opening statement, but i have said that 'greeting' since...i think the beginning? and i feel like i have to. i know its repetitive but now i can't stop :p and its so forced often and i feel like it sounds so dumb. so if you were wondering why i write it each time, well that's why :) i sort of wish i had stuck with something different, i didn't realise how silly it would sound after a while.

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this morning's breakfast was "raisin-almond-ginger" oats :)...

plain oats cooked with cinnamon&ginger + 1/2 banana, almonds, tbsp org large golden raisins, and topped w crystallized ginger, a few tbsp org multigrain wheat squares + skim milk.

i first went for a little run, after having lots of water + a banana. i eat too many bananas i think :/ it was cold though, and i feel like i look dumb, i was tired though, i feel like i cant run anymore. but i used to go later in the day after a bigger bfast, so now i like to do it earlier and before my bfast (and then i can enjoy it!), but i need something so i have a full banana, i know some people go on an empty stomach but yea i need something :P...and i don't go for long honestly its a bit pathetic, oh well. im okay with that i think. going later just makes me waste the day, so this way i feel more productive. don't worry though i have a proper breakfast + its usually my only exercise of that day.

i cannot believe it is december, it just seems like fall was rushed...and now i know all of a sudden it will be the new year, and then a few months of extreme coldness. and then summer :/ but im really going to try to be in the moment, and try to enjoy things so that when the time passes, im not regretting not doing/doing something. i have an issue with regret. its sort of sad, i mean i feel like i regret everything. from choosing one food over another, to spending too much time on something, not enough on another. sometimes its so pathetic though like regretting something that really shouldn't matter. and then i don't enjoy it, or i spend time beating myself up...its like that could-a, should-a...whats the saying? pretty much that you shouldn't keep saying, i could have, i should have...i need to take that advice anyway :P i don't think that last sentence made any sense but i understood myself, so that's good :P

does anyone else have that regret issue? its really annoying. and i doubt nearly every aspect of my life. and rely on either what i believe, or someone else...so when it's challenged i get so paranoid and anxious? i think it has to do with anxiety, and fears. and i get into a routine and control things, and then when they change, well i get a bit anxious. i think its all related, like the doubting and anxiety and control.



steel cut oats (bobs red mill organic) in water, cinnamon&ginger, 1/2 banana, tbsp each raw walnuts
+ natures path organic flax-raisin-pumpkin crunch

i made these again :) slightly less chewy but i wasn't happy...i even had them on much lower? im not sure what i'm doing wrong. photo was from a morning at my family home last week i believe.

i actually spent a few days there (sunday and monday i guess) even though my parents were away, just because i was doing this work/internship thing and wanted to leave from home, not have to be washing dishes in the morning and when i got back (my apartment doesn't have one, at home we do though)...that sounds trivial but honestly it takes me so long and it was nice to come back and put things in the dishwasher, and cook something that took a bit longer. one of the nights my brother came :) it was nice, i made him quinoa (bob's red millllll) along with sweet corn, and we had sliced turkey. it was in a package, that new (ish) natural selections from maple leaf. bahh wait i think that might be a canadian company, but its made with few preservatives, for a packaged meat anyway. it tastes nice :) he kept saying, 'ohhh we're having quinoaa' (emphasis on the last syllable...kenwaaaaa) and i was like wtf why are you saying that :P oh funny story, well i was visiting a friend like over a year ago (im social as you can tell...) at her apartment in uni, and she had a little note on the fridge explaining the benefits of quinoa. and it said, "say kee-nwa", and i had no idea that was how it was pronounced. at the time i had never tried it but wanted to, and thought you pronounced it "kwenoa" or something. so i was so excited and said, ohh is it good, i want to try it! and she hadn't even had it. baha. and a few weeks ago my mom mentioned that my friends mom (her parents are friends with my parents) was getting her a cookbook filled with recipes made with quinoa. so i hope she's tried it by now, otherwise she just has a huge book of recipes to make with it.

there was supposed to be a video here. even though i know i'd regret it i made one, and it was long, i kept talking. i guess i had a lot to say (about nothing :p) but seriously, and i've tried to upload it many times, tooo many actually. maybe another time :/ i just wanted you to have a bit of a break in between all of these words. gahhh

i rarely have meat now, and its not just because i don't want to (often i don't want a lot of meat or prefer chicken/turkey...though i do like to have pasta sometimes when im back home with a tomato and meat sauce, because my mom makes it with a lower meat ratio, more tomatoes :P she's always done that. i also love the meatloaf recipe we've used for years. again, its not so much a meat loaf as a ...loaf? aha it is made with other ingredients and breadcrumbs and it just tastes sweet and nice, very flavourful. often meatloaf is actually like...well meat. and its much too dense. anyway...im rambling :/ the thing is, i don't have meat often, but i also don't have enough protein from other sources. so i enjoyed having that turkey :) i know i'm not getting enough of certain nutrients, and my iron and protein is low i'm sure. i just also get a bit freaky with cooking meat on my own, like i might mess up and get sick/get other people sick. i like salmon though, fresh i mean. and canned tuna, i just like the plain ones in water, solid albacore i think it is :P i wish i could find some that have the built-in openers...so i don't have to use a can opener :P they usually come in large sizes too and sometimes i see little tiny tuna's, like personal cans. so i should pick some up if i ever see them :) ...things like nuts and nut butters, cottage cheese. i have those but its not enough, i'd have to have tons of it to get the same protein as other sources. so i guess i have to choose, either have massive amounts of those high-fiber sources (which would kill me, and my stomach/intestines/etc...tmi) or branch out more and start having more meat. i know there are other sources, but i'm not limiting my intake of meat because i want to be veg, or for animal-rights, etc. reasons. what do you like to eat as far as protein goes? i need more ideas!

see, i feel like i have to have a grain with dinner. well dinner is always the big thing, where i feel im lacking in protein, but its a difficult meal to put together, finding the right things. i just have memories of dinner being this important meal. and i feel like i have to have a grain, veggie, protein. and its usually a grain (brown rice or ww quinoa, honestly i have that nearly every night)...or sometimes ww couscous but i thought perhaps a gluten free grain might be easier, since i have a lot of ibs issues. buts its like this routine now, i feel like i have to hav a grain. when i eat somewhere else, usually just at home as i don't go out to eat much, its not always like that. we might have something like pasta (rarely) or a potato (sweet or white, etc) as the 'starch' or whatever. but its very often brown rice or quinoa (along with salmon or chicken) since my mom often asks me what i would like. and she wants to make sure i'm eating enough, and i feel so awful like its catered to me. and my family doesn't really want to eat what i eat. i don't blame them i guess. but idk i sort of like what i eat. i guess its boring for some people. but im in a rut i guess and am scared to branch out for dinner especially.

and its just...i feel like i have so much to think about. when honestly its...food. sorry if this is triggering, i mean i'd understand if it was (and im so sorry if this is, honestly), thats my problem i get so caught up with other people and their concerns, and then they become mine. like the sugar thing, so i thikn about fat, cals sugar. and fiber for some reason, im like worried i will get too much and i hardly have veggies. even though im liely getting a lot from grains. i just have stomach/bowel issues, really tmi but i just worry about that...and honestly when i first started having issues with food, a long long long time ago :P well i just thought about fat. i didn't know about anything else and it didn't matter so much what was in it, sugar, salt, etc. just the fat. and i ate non whole wheat things sometimes, like bagels. i hear thats a huge fear food for people but i ate white bagels but freaked out about fat. and i remember my mom bought one that was like 1.5 instead of the 1.2 g per bagel and i nearly had a heart attack. ugh. i feel awful now. but i knew i couldn't round it down to one. so it would have to be two grams in my head. now that wouldn't bother me at all. i mean the white part perhaps...but like half a gram of fat? i guess i started worrying about other things and not so much the bit of fat in a white bagel :P

its just so exhausting, these aspects of food that consume us. the thing is i can't say, oh i should just not worry. because i need to be looking into it to make sure i'm eating the right things. so i know that, even putting my controlling thoughts, restrictions, etc obsessiveness aside...it's actually a good thing to be aware of this. but i never know what's enough. its like everything in my life that i've become concerned with "beyond the norm"...so food, weight, and other fears (like anxiety, the germ thing, sickness, whatever)...it's become too much. just too much of an obsession. so now im scared that i can't look at anything in a 'normal' way, or a rational way. and that i'll never be normal in a sense.

im not sure if anything in that last paragraph made any sense...i have so much trouble putting it into words (either explaining in person or writing it down)...but im wondering if anyone can relate i guess.

i'm sorry this was just a huge post of me asking for ideas, rambling about meat, etc. i didn't realise i had so much to say (write) on the subject :P and the video is long, and the post is long...im really sorry! i hope you're all doing okay, the holidays are coming!

xoxox

lots of love

jen

remembering...

hey lovelies :):)

how are you beauties today :) its a bit chilly. actually, yesterday that was a bit of an understatement. i know its november, but its a bit shocking when it drops 15 degrees (celcius) day to day. however. much better than the heat, so i cannot complain, no i cannot :P

this morning's breakfast was pretty yum, a cold cereal mix. i used the last of my shredded wheat bites, along with plain cheerios, with 1/2 banana, tbsp almonds, dried cranberries, + skim milk. and sprinkled with cinnamon&ginger of course :)...with blackcoffee beforehand.

i was out for a short break/walk today (from work/intern stuff from my place, applications, nothing exciting really...i lead a boring life). i made it brisk as the wind was a bit harsh. i enjoyed some hot peppermint tea though, shortly after my return.

mine was actually a bigelow 'mint medley' (which is nice), but my heart still lies with this lovely company...i usually have the sleepytime, chamomile and peppermint in my cupboards. i have not found the holiday ones in canada...like the sugar cookie one or the gingerbread as shown here. hmm, does anyone wanna do a swap or something? that, or you could just send me some. :P teheee i kid.

i tried to calm down/de-stress (impossible) with breathing, stretching, yoga moves idk. im impatient. because i know the value of yoga but rarely take the time to do it properly. its a bad cycle, really :/

last evening, my brother put on this old dvd family video to show his girlfriend. she's nice though :P but anyway, i love watching those and i'm sure i've mentioned it a bit on here. but it was one largely composed of our music practicing, so just repeats of myself at the piano age 8 i think. or 9 but i feel like it was eight. i just feel sad looking at it, because i worked hard, i was determined, and carefree. i know i had a lot of worries, and ive always been an anxious child. but i just look at it and wonder 'what was she thinking at that moment'...and then i feel the need to apologize. to apologize to this girl, and warn her about the years ahead. "im so sorry, but you might have a bit of trouble coming your way in a few years"...i hate this, i feel like i've done something to her. even though she's me. i don't think she deserved to feel this way, and to experience pain, but i guess everyone does right? i mean childhood is often not nice. i was blessed with a family, comfort, a functioning mind and body. and my childhood, all-round (despite my own issues) was rather nice. i feel like i have trouble growing up, grasping that fact. dealing with my responsibilities in a positive, and not negative or destructive, manner. does this make sense? i hope im not just crazy. or worse...irresponsible, not prepared for life, unrealistic? that would be worse i think.

i was going to post a video. but then after recording...well, hm i'll leave it for another time. i've posted way too many, and i feel a bit odd about it. plus it was confusing, perhaps a bit too honest. i will leave you with a photo, just to say hello :P....

tada! first time trying this little thing :)

i thought it was like a luna...but then the vanilla flavour and texture was like a rice crispie...healthier maybe? idk it was with all organic and brown rice, gluten free, only a few ingredients. plus the inside of the box is filled with facts on wildlife and part of the sales go toward a related organization :) but it was a bit expensive.

im off to continue doing...things, ugh. i hope you are having a nice start to the week, and had lovely weekends.

xoxoxoxox

love you all like pb&nananananer

an update of the sort...

hey lovelies :):)

today will be quick...a little post. im feeling just, not so motivated. but i wanted to try something new. so i've explained thing in a little video, which makes little sense, and is boring, the usual :/

today is saturday :) tomorrow is sunday :) i ran today, did some work, organized and cleaned...my brother is away up north with my dad for the day. and i feel like i haven't done anything. i feel UN-accomplished (is that a word? probably not.) no matter what i do, i feel like im wasting time, wasting my day and my life. like im getting no where...

phewf. so that's that. i spend so so sooo much time today trying to fix the layout of this blog. and of like tumblr and everything, too long and i feel gross every time i realise how much time i wasted on things that do not really matter. in the grand scheme of things i mean. and it still looks awful. i want to center my header...and maybe change it since its not quite a header, more like an image. i don't know how to do that. and the colours and background and everything, i can't make it 'work' and its irritating me so much. but every time i try to fix it things get worse. so then i just get pissed off because i feel like im failing at everything. ugslkdfjsj. and honestly these things don't matter though do they? to me they do, the little things, it means a lot to me. and can sort of dictate the way my day goes, sometimes. but yes if anyone knows how to change those things please let me know

i hope you're all doing okay, and please let me know! i would love to hear from you all, you have no idea. its the simple things that please me, and make me happy :) i'm not sure where to go from here...

xoxoxox

love you like banana&oatmeal

wednesday, fall, november, baking, stuck...

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast was yummy, described below :) i promise i will get back into taking photos a bit more regularly



i made another video :) ahhhh. yes. i like doing this, even if you don't like watching them :P

when i was at home recently (as i normally just bake there, so i can use the dishwasher & not have to wash everything like in my apartment) i made a few things with wheat germ :) i don't typically have it on cereal like i used to, though i'd like to get back into that. but i looove wheat germ and its nice in cookies & muffins. anne lindsay has a few cookbooks and i grew up eating many healthy recipes that my mom made from the books that we own. there is one for "wheat germ raisin muffins"...and i think you should make it :P unless you don't like wheat germ:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup wheat germ (i used bob's red mill...he's my lover)
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups milk
1 egg; beaten

In bowl, combine flour, wheat germ, sugar, baking powder
and salt; stir in raisins. Combine off, milk and egg;
pour into flour mixture and stir
just until combined. Spoon into nonstick or paper lined muffin
tins, filling each three-quarters full.
Bake in 375 F oven for 18 to 20 minutes or
until firm to the touch.

***************

this is a photo of the wheat-germ-ww-raisin-chocolate-walnut...cookies.
the recipe called for dried cranberries & semi-sweet chocolate chips, along with walnuts.
but i used large thompson raisins for the dried fruit, and i tried a bit! i think dark chocolate pairs nicely with wheat germ.

i've been re-reading, for the i have no idea number of times, the harry potter series when im home. sine i have to be reading something at all times...i need to read before bed & make sure i always have a book on hand. its sad how many times i've read these...

i just realised that, if i lived in the society in 'the giver', i would have been released. i'd be likely...labelled inadequate. if you haven't read it, well this will be very confusing, and maybe i just think too much. but by the way please read it as it's quite good :) its sort of sad, the rosemary character, who was given memories of loneliness...she was shocked, and didn't know that feelings like that existed. and asked for her own release...i think she was sad, depressed perhaps. and that type of society didn't understand any of that. it just shows that, what we might wish for, a perfect society, everything in place, 'safety' and feelings of 'safe' versus 'fear'...it's not always better. that type of society, although completely fictional i realise and not possible (though its supposed to be far in the future)...it would never work. or if it did, i couldn't even imagine living like that. either you are like the rest of society, and are born just the same, and don't have feelings or memories, you don't know how life would be any other way...or you're different, special and, like jonas, singled out to learn about feelings and have the memories of the past transferred into your mind. you learn how to love and to truly feel for another person. but, because the rest of the society does not have 'feelings', they can't share it with you. im not sure what would be worse, not having feelings, memories, not being able to love someone...or to have all of those but not be able to get it in return.

does that make any sense? sometimes i fear that i just over-analyse things, and that i'll say something to someone (or write something on here) and people will be like...whaaa? i get self-conscious & paranoid that i going crazy or something. because it makes sense in my mind but if it comes out as confusing or jumbled or just weird...then im losing it or something. :P

that's all really, i have had some changes, some new things going on which i guess is good but so far out of my comfort zone. a silly name since im never comfortable and always stressed. but somehow trying to control my environment and life and schedule seems safer...i might talk about it next time though i feel odd sharing too much, as this is public. it has to do with work i guess, life, careers. which is supposed to be exciting. so i just need to figure a few things out and mention it when i'm a bit more relaxed. ugh, idk when that will happen :/ until next time. xoxoxoxox

ohhhh ps ps ps i tried steel cut oats yesterday morning! i made them, i actually did :D and i cooked it for nearly an hour. but i think i had the heat a bit too high throughout, or near the beginning as they were a bit chewy and when i had them in new york they were fluffy. so perhaps i should have it on lower? or maybe not cover it (bob said to cover and simmer...for ten minutes. but he also said that it would be chewier that way...i read it but didn't listen i guess. duhhh jen..) so i will try again, when im at home. and have more time in the morning. but i took a chance, and i tried something new. which is big for me, although that sounds a tad pathetic :P that's all :)

a quick hello...going out on a limb :/

hey lovelies :):)

how is everyone? i am happy to be posting again, and much sooner than i expected. i heard that many of you had snow on the weekend...we didn't, odd since im a bit further north :P

today for breakfast i had microwaved (which i like) plain oats in water with cinnamon&ginger, almonds, tbsp sunflower/pumpkin seeds, and banana; topped with a bit of shredded wheat bites, ginger-slice and a touch of soymilk

i also went for an earlier run this morning :) it was a bit short though, and i dressed for a colder temperature...so i got a bit warm. but it was okay actually. since i don't have any photos, and i was inspired by the lovely emily, i thought i'd try a video thing...though its quite boring and the quality is...not quite there. im not even sure it will work, and the first time the audio and image were not 'together'...so i tried again today :P and linked the old one. its a private youtube video, i thought that would be the safest, and i think it means that you can only see it if i provide the link or something? i hope you don't hate it, and still want to read this afterward.


here is the messed up audio one

that's all for today...i think i can get my camera this weekend and i'd love to get back to posting eats and what not, especially of breakfast. they are not always photogenic though, and i'm not a pro-photographer or anything :P i hope to get better. and i also hope to get a better camera...but that's a whole other idea.

things are still the same i guess. good and bad. mostly bad...but i'm trying to be positive because that's the only way they will improve. i'll leave you with a question, because this just came to my mind: i am reading this book for the billionth time this past year...'the giver' by lois lowry, i received it from a (still!) very good friend when i turned ten. everyone seemed to be reading it then, it was "all the rage" in my public school. baha, though i think the kids were slightly older. but, in my opinion, i feel like i was way to young to read it. because i'm over ten years older now, and there are so many aspects of the novel that i just didn't 'get' back then, every time i read it i find something new. the whole concept of this 'perfect' and ideal, safe, world that the author comes up with is fascinating. and scary and sad at the same time. and i cannot imagine that it would have made sense back when i first read it. i'm glad i decided to read it again, and now i just read it every now and then when i feel like it. if you haven't read it, i recommend it. very much so.

what are some of your favourite novels?

until next time :) xoxox