chilly days & catching up…

 

hey lovelies :):)

wow, it’s very cold out today. the temperature suddenly dropped very low, though i was prepared because of the weather network, channels, news and so on. i had planned a run and was determined to do it today, and knew that i’d likely not want to go out later on with this forecast.

it was about minus twenty or so with a wind-chill making it feel like nearly minus thirty. that’s celsius and im not sure what the conversion is so this might not mean anything to you. but it was cold, just trust me. i couldn’t feel my face and my brain felt smushed when i got back :/ i’m not sure if you’ve had that feeling, it happens to me when i swim in our lake deep down where the water is the coldest. sort of like its frozen inside your head. i can’t describe it well obviously. it wasn’t as bad as i thought though, and the only parts of me that were cold were the uncovered areas. my headband thing shrunk so i didn’t have something to cover my ears ;( stupid jen..

anyway, once i sort of de-thawed and got ready for my day, i enjoyed a warm bowl of oats with various toppings and what not. i found this photo though, which i thought was cute. i think it’s ‘porridge’ though, which could mean any type of oat or hot cereal. but it looks yummy to me.

my bowl was plain oats with cinnamon&ginger, ripe banana, almonds, topped with crystallized ginger, shredded wheat squares and some milk

i don’t know why i’m doing this, but i feel like i want to post a lot more often now. even if they’re never read, i feel a bit accomplished once i do this. initially, i was looking forward to writing something. but i’ve just had a few things added to my to-do list and possibly some work this week which im stressing about because i have a few important appointments and in terms of emotional and physical health, i’m just not at my best. it’s pathetic though, i obviously need to be working, and if something like the above is stressing me out i need to just get over it. but i can’t help it. im a bit of a wreck now, i feel like my week is a bit jumbled and i like having things somewhat planned (even if things, like my own issues and symptoms usually get in the way and disrupt my life) so when i get some news, well let’s just say im not very flexible or spontaneous. i just don’t think i was born that way :/

ugh i don’t know what to do. and now im just going to be pissed off at myself for writing something so negative again. i seem to have difficulty refraining from doing this…even though no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to press publish.

something new, change the subject jen…(i talk to myself i think…) well i’ve been looking at a few blogs that i had not come across before. but most of them are finished, or the author hasn’t updated for a while. but i’m trying to motivate myself and it’s quite fun to read blogs because they can be inspiring, and i can relate to some of the things that they discuss. i’m not sure if it’s healthy though, as i usually find myself either wanting to buy certain products & goodies, and/or wanting to look more like the author, not really look but like, ugh well idk body-wise maybe? it’s something i used to do a lot, but not lately. even if it’s in an unhealthy way. and the thing is, im supposed to be gaining confidence and feeling more comfortable with myself and with life. and this probably won’t do the trick. i’m not a good influence…on myself. seriously, i mean sometimes i just need to give myself a shake, because it’s almost like i cause most of my own problems! not all of them though, i don’t think that’s fair. i’ve been feeling so sick lately and i get awful stomach symptoms and stress and anxiety, and i don’t want to feel like this at all. and i hope i’m not inflicting it upon myself…?

i just feel a bit sad, because this morning for once i sort of felt okay, and my day wasn’t going downhill too much, but suddenly it is and im feeling not so great. i hate how i can’t handle even one extra ounce of stress or pressure. im normally very anxious, and then certain things make it go skyyyy high. and it’s honestly debilitating. and i’m getting some help with that but nothing seems to be working and i know most of it is because of me. and it becomes frustrating, not just for be but for my family and any support-system that i have…how do you deal with stress? i know a lot of you are in school, which comes with it’s own stressors i know! but i get very anxious about a lot of things, not necessarily things that would stress a normal person out…if you’re understanding me at all. i know i can get wordy.

once again, well i’m sorry for being negative. but i guess this is my own blog, and that’s sort of what it is here for. but i hope to continue to improve and become happier and more independent so that i can report on something much more positive and uplifting. because i hate to be a debbie downer, and i also just feel a bit embarrassed, because i’m telling people about the negative things in my life and i’m definitely not improving my reputation around here. but until then, i hope you’ll continue to read these, and i really promise that i will improve.

i hope you’re all doing well :)

xox love jen

dancing dreaming living…

 

hey lovelies :):)

happy new year

this morning i had a lovely bowl of cold cereal:

shreddies and a bit of shredded wheat, with almonds, 1/2 banana and cinnamon&ginger. along with milk of course.

this is actually an image from a year or so back  in the summer, which i edited because i thought about making it a header. but then i couldn’t part with the one i have. it seemed so foreign and i didn’t like the fact that it would look totally different, since i’ve had the audrey one for a while. you see, i thought that my current one had nothing to do with my blog regarding food, just my love of film and acting. but then i realised that it was from breakfast at tiffanys…so it sort of works. and i decided to leave it. but i do like this photo of cold cereal that i took, and it closely-resembles what i have for breakfast today :)

number fifteen, “romantic flight” is my absolute favourite. please listen to it!

i cannot stop listening to this song. this soundtrack. i didn’t mention it before, because i’ve already told you about my love for the ‘how to train your dragon’ music. john powell. he is amazing. all the john’s…john debney (dreamer soundtrack) and john powell for ice age i believe. but on christmas day, while feeling like a pile of death, i watched a bit of the movie as it was playing on one of the movie channels. and the music. i can’t even explain but i just felt so incredible for a few minutes. and felt like crying and laughing and i was just dancing around like a fool. i don’t know why? but it felt good, and then once i turned the film off, it was like a light-switch. and all the sadness came back. it sucked, really.

i was just about to show an intensely-emotional video of me dancing to this song….:) ahaaa…just kidding. well not about the actual video, but i won’t show you it because i know most of you already thing im a bit unstable. for another time i guess, right? or as fred (or george?) says in the fifth harry potter book, “ah, we’ll save it for parties right?” no way, that would be embarrassing. i’ve mentioned before that i love to act, and love films, and would love to act in films, and just be a part of them in some way. i love music as well, and really admire those who do music for films. film music, soundtracks, whatever the technical name is (composers?) is just one of my favourite examples of music. that uplifting sound that accompanies films, it just makes me happy. why is that though? does anyone else get that sort of feeling from music?

i took a lovely photo of my breakfast yesterday, but forgot to add it to a blog draft, and i was at home. so now i’m back at my own computer…without the photo :( things like this really make me wonder why? and also, why am i so upset about a thing like this? it happens to me all the time. little things really get to me. but i will show it another day, it wasn’t anything truly special, but i was at home and had gone for a little run, and when i had breakfast i made plain oats in the microwave with banana, almonds, cinnamon&ginger. but i added a few dark chocolate chips on top, which i never do, and they melted a bit and paired with the almonds well. im not a huge chocolate person, and especially don’t like it in the morning. but this was just a very small bit and it was sort of good :P

i ordered a box of these on this website called iherb, which i found from another blog. it sells the types of bars i don’t have here, and this is one of my favourite flavours but it’s not in canada!!!!! oh the horror. but honestly i wish it was less sweet. i like how the cinnamon flavour is strong and over powers that soy-protein flavour that all lunas hold…but it doesn’t require the ‘ice’ part in my opinion, and i wish it didn’t, just like i wish that the others weren’t all half chocolate-covered. i like chocolate and sweet things at certain times, but i often use these bars as a pm snack, and it’s too rich for me to have something super sugary or chocolat-ey as a main snack component. but honestly, it’s not too bad, and i still like them. i realise that i’m against the norm here i guess, since most of the flavours are either iced or chocolated (not a word but it fir here), and the company caters to it’s customers.

on a sort of serious note…has anyone ever (or known anyone who has) been to ip for something other than eds? along the lines of other emotional/mental struggles…and please don’t make any assumptions with why i’m asking this, i had no way of asking anonymously. i know, i mean even i automatically think of a scary psych-ward setting with people mumbling to themselves as they walk down the hallway shuffling their feet, holding onto some portable iv drip thing. but then again, they’re still people. and i’ve changed through the years as i’ve sort of become less ignorant about such stereotypes.

well, that’s all. i hope you’re all enjoying the beginning of a brand new year. a fresh start i guess. although, we can always start fresh, we don’t really need to wait a whole year to go with the rest of the world. i like to pick random times to change and create goals. like, three minutes from now is the beginning of the rest of my life. i love saying that. it’s such a hopeful feeling, even when you’re feeling everything but. and even if you’ve just had the worst possible day, you can always turn things around.

xox love jen

“it’s the little things that…”

hey lovelies :):)

i awoke to more snowwwww. yes. they called for rain, which i thought would melt the snow. i had planned a run and just sort of got ready anyway, though i was anxious for some reason and not feeling that great. story of my life, really. i finally said, do it jen! just go, you silly arse. (first time i’ve used that saying by the way, and i like it). it was not too cold but very hard to run on snow, sort of like on sand. you have no grip, plus there was ice beneath it as i noticed the last time i ran….and slush on other parts of the road. a short run but i was glad i went and it made me feel a little bit happy. it was refreshing. that’s the word. and hopefully a healthy choice for me.

you see loves,  i’m trying to choose healthy habits. i have some, not too many, and many unhealthy habits. so i hope i continue to expand the former and start to feel better. that is my dream anyway…whether it pulls through or not, well that’s partly up to me. yet i am still convinced someone out there hates me and is dealing me shitty cards all the time. if that sounds ungrateful. well then i’m ungrateful. but honestly, i don’t want to get into all of it but i just haven’t been doing that well in a number of aspects of my life and health and mind.

after returning this morning, i showered, did a few things on my computer and realised i was laaate. so i got ready. and arrived in my kitchen to wash, turn on the coffee maker and begin preparation for breakfast. yes, by late i just meant late for breakfast :) teheee…it was quite nice, but nothing new really. it’s something i have often after a run morning, and doesn’t take too long but still consists of oats in some form:

plain oats microwaved with 1/2 banana, tbsp natural almonds, cinnamon&ginger, topped with 8 bite size shredded wheat, a few small ginger pieces and a bit of milk

it stays quite hot for a while, and i don’t mind adding some shredded wheat bites which sort of absorb the milk which i don’t usually like adding to oats. i know im a bit odd, and feel strange talking about food all the time like this :P …yea i need to watch my tongue smiley use on here apparently as i got called out on formspring…i just like them, they’re cute :/

this is actually my first time writing a post, not in blogspot. apparently my computer has an application that allows me to log on and see my blog, and the post can be written in more of a word document friendly style. i don’t know if this will work at all. but it’s cool to try at least once, you know?

my new almond butter (which has not been opened…and i’ve had it for 1/2 year)

…i finally finished my natural smooth pb (just generic store brand ‘our compliments natural')  in the fridge and opened my pb+co operation smooth. so i wanted to make sure i didn’t have so many opened at once. so i will let you know how this goes but i used to eat almond butter all the time, when first tried it a few summers ago it was a daily lunch thing, sort of replacing natural pb. and i used this brand, and alto a store brand of lawblaws called ‘presidents choice’. this one is also canadian i believe . i’m not sure if you can tell but the side i showed you is in french. baha, i thought i’d be proud for a change, although i really don’t think you can even read it thanks to my skills at webcam photography…

i’ve been having less brown rice lately but i also bought this a while ago. it’s backwards (ohhh how karen/’mean girls’ i am) but i’ve never purchased this before, any of his rice products. i just typically like to make everything to do with rice from scratch. well, i guess not entirely back to the grain, but you know. and this is partially cooked somehow and takes 10 minutes i think. i thought i would try it out. but it’s whole grain brown rice, Uncle Bens :)

i don’t like how my posts have been so down, and after yesterday’s i felt like writing again. but i just feel sort of silly letting you into my problems. is there anything you would like me to include? i guess it’s fun to simply roll with it, and do my own thing. but im so self-conscious and realise that my blog is not that good. and the only questions i seem to get are either appearance-related (in a negative way though) or about my typing or…smileys :) i thought i’d end on a fun note, this was from a while ago. well, probably 2 months, maybe 2.5? it makes no sense but i somehow got it to load this time when i wrote my post through windows live writer instead of on blogspot/blogger. i hope you still want to talk to me…and read my blog. and, yea…

the old video that never uploaded properly. i though i’d treat you. jokes. it’s not interesting at all + the audio is messed up. but it’s sort of amusing i guess

have a great weekend, and i hope you have fun celebrating the new year, please be happy, for me and for you as well :) you all deserve so much happiness and i hope this new year brings with it great memories, and much less struggles.

xox lots of love, jen

snowy walks, cemeteries & reflections

hey lovelies :):)

i'm sorry that i left my last blurb on such an awful note. i don't apologize for publishing all of that though, i chose to do so. however, i didn't mean to spread the sadness or anything like that. i just wanted to continue being honest, even if that meant risking becoming too open. i wanted to make sure i came by again shortly after to try to salvage myself, lighten the mood, ensure anyone that i hadn't "signed off, "checked out early", however they say it these days...

but today started a bit late actually. not a bad thing though, and i sipped coffee while doing a bit of work/emails/etc (after eating a banana). i usually don't like to have my actual breakfast right away, but the banana is so that i can have some food before coffee, and i was a bit hungry :P i later enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal, themed with additions i don't typically use...

pear-gingersnap-oats :)

mixture of old fashion & quick oats cooked in water with 1/2 pear (shared with my brother...or forced upon him rather) cinnamon and ginger, tbsp golden raisins and natural almonds; topped with crystallized ginger, 3 crumbled organic sasha bread spelt-ginger-snaps + a touch of milk :P

yesterday i really thought about writing a post, not to share anything positive but to ask for help. i wasn't feeling better and felt like the sadness came back in strong waves (i hate saying that, it reminds me of sickness waves which i've had a lot and ugh i cringe to think about that)...also i've been feeling so sick lately. i wasn't sure if it was caused by a few things but i always expect the worse (in my mind, like my worse fears). plus the added anxiety of things that i was doing and focusing on regarding the holidays made it worse. and i hate that, because it used to be my favourite holiday.

anyway, i thought that i should wait a bit, and i decided to write today. i know that this is my blog, however i do feel responsible, at least somewhat, for the mood that i share with others. and i know that when i read a post that is very negative, either i can relate so much and feel less alone, or it simply triggers me so much, and i have to either force myself to read on, or just stop. which i don't like to do either. sometimes it doesn't help to share the gloom, you know? however, i believe that someone can write whatever helps them, and if writing about negative things helps, then i want them to do that. it's just that, well, i wasn't really asking for help or advice, i was simply stating it as it was. and i feel as though i may have hurt some people. i know i have few readers so i'm not trying to make myself out to be some high and mighty thing...but, well i don't want to lose those i do have.



i just came back from a little 'excursion' with my dad. well, he picked me up and we did some photography outside :) we drove to a nearby large city cemetery, it's a park essentially, quite private but i used to run in there a lot. and i never knew anyone buried there, but my uncle sam was actually just laid to rest there last tuesday. it was odd, and today the earth was still sitting quite high above as it takes a long time to settle i guess. he has a nice stone, with his last name. i'm not sure if my cousin plans to be there, or if my aunt wants to be put there as well. there is no inscription, or even his date of birth and death but i guess they will do that later. but today we didn't stay there, we walked around and took photos with a natural light. it's overcast and we've had a recent snow 'storm' which allowed it to accumulate on the ground. it was quite cold but a nice setting and light for taking photographs. i love walking through that cemetery, i find it so beautiful. it's quite old, and there are numerous large trees of all kinds, and such a variety of stones. but there is a paved road for bikes, cars, people. i always feel a bit awful walking on the grass areas where people are buried beneath me.

initially i was spazzing because i was late, and trying to eat my lunch (which included a hard boiled egg, but i had more dishes to clean because of it) and i was freaking out about a few things, not essentially 'normal' for anyone else so obviously there was no excuse for my lateness and i kept apologizing and then just became angry and bitter. i explained that i was sorry for being late (to my dad) but he sort of pushed it further, expressing his concern/exasperation/i don't know, that i would have a lot of trouble working more full-time, doing anything, being normal really if i was late and took so long to do things. he was right but i was already just anxious and not in a good place so it hit me a bit stronger. anyway...i enjoyed myself even though it was a bit chilly, and i focused on just talking with my dad, taking some shots, looking at inscriptions. i was using his camera, but i might show some of those photos in a little while when i'm about to use it again.

i'm sitting here enjoying the smell of maple from a really neat candle that my cousin gave to us all after they had us for Christmas dinner. it smells more like maple candy than syrup, but Canada is known for her maple syrup, and this is a wax-filled can (i guess used once for gathering syrup from a tree) and the wick has real wood in it, so it crackles when it's lit, which sounds like a fire crackling :) the candle uses a few forms of environmentally "friendly" construction i guess with the can, wax, wick...and it's just really cool. and yummy-smelling :P i hope i remember to blow it out. seriously though..my brother lit it the other times, and so i never really focused on that. he kept using my lighter and just announced that it was finished. so im making him (well asking him) to buy me another, as i don't remember using mine much lately yet its done...

well, i think that's enough for now. i hope you have all enjoyed your holidays, and have exciting and relaxing and pleasant plans for the rest of your break (if you have one..) or simply your week. i cannot believe it is nearly another year. i say that all the time but it really scares me! i guess i should just keep going, pretend that it's just life, moving along...wayyy too quickly. i feel so unaccomplished (well, at positive things..) and i'm reminded of this all the time, not just by myself. it's completely true though, i need to 'get my act together' as they say...so i shall go & try to do that :)


xox love jen

why am i so blue?

hey lovelies :):)

the day after christmas ;(

i woke up unrested & so drained, i felt like i had not slept. but i had planned a little run to try to feel a bit refreshed & maybe a bit happier? it didn't work. but nonetheless, i returned, showered & dressed and stumbled downstairs to put together something nourishing, in the hopes that it would make me feel slightly human. it helped a bit, and i managed to capture it's character with my camera :)

"banana honey almond-ed" oatmeal


plain oats with banana, cinnamon&ginger, almonds, shredded wheat, the bees knees pb+cp and milk

i thought that might be the cure. but something still wasn't right. why am i so sad? ...i asked myself.

i'm actually used to the whole "christmas blues", it happens every single year. even when i was younger, i would anticipate this day, look forward to it with excitement. it was almost surreal. and i would try to prolong the opening of gifts as, for some reason, that signified the end to me. it wasn't the presents, i didn't need those. but the whole feeling of Christmas would suddenly come to an end. and i would feel so lost and sad and just didn't understand why. i've been told that many people feel that, and children experience that same sadness...but surely not to such an extreme? i know that i'm different, and that i'm not normal. and i knew, then, that this wasn't ordinary end-of-holidays sadness.

yesterday began like any other. i woke up and realised that i didn't feel that excitement, giddiness. i've felt it each year of my life, and it was missing. i knew it was Christmas, i was happy. but i didn't feel happy. i have no reason to be this down. the morning continued on, stockings were opened, there was coffee :)

it was Christmas. i was with my family, in the midst of opening gifts and even enjoying a chocolate.

i just realised how odd this photo is, an oxymoron in picture form :)

we paused to have a little nibble while jennifer made breakfast...



oatbran & oats, cinnamon, ginger, almonds banana, vanilla...

...and continued to open gifts, smile, hug, and just enjoy Christmas. when it was all over, i was prepared to feel a bit down. but i wasn't expecting such a huge blow. suddenly, i felt so empty inside, and could only feel fear for the evening to come, where i would have dinner at my cousin's new house, and a few members of my extended family. i was moody and went downstairs to try to watch a Christmas film. hoping that it would lift my spirits. why was i feeling so sad? i didn't get it. my behaviour was not unnoticed by my family, and while i went for a walk with my parents, my dad simply asked me to "try to look happy". i responded with something along the lines of "i'm unhappy nearly every day, and put a smile on my face...at least let me be honest with you". what a bitch. why would anyone want to be with someone like that? i have no reason to be like this, to feel like this, to act like this. and spending the evening with my aunt, who had just lost her husband, should have at least taught me something.

that life is just too short. it's too short to be sad, and to be fearful, and to be angry and bitter and negative. but i don't chose to be like this...i would say to myself. the feelings seem to come from some place else. i would gladly give my life to my uncle, who was clearly loved by so many people, as i witnessed during his funeral on friday. every single speech was heartfelt, and i watched with sadness as his close friends commented on his courage, his determination, his strength. and each person asked us to stop putting things off, to spend time with family, to live for each moment. it sounded so simple. but i couldn't do it.

last evening, as we were about to head home, my aunt realised that we had not spoken of her husband once that evening. 'we didn't even make a toast to sam', she said in horror. my mom, wanting to bring his name into our minds that evening, asked my aunt how long he was in the hospice for. 'two weeks..' was her response. she kept shaking her head, and finally said, 'they told me two months'...and she started to cry. i keep hearing those words in my mind today, the look on her face when she said that...i suddenly realised what she was trying to say, she felt robbed. there is such a huge different between two weeks and two months. sure, the end will be unbearable whenever it comes, but two weeks? it wasn't fair.

i guess i don't have a point to this. i don't know why im sad. but i know that i shouldn't be like this, life is not that hard. and i hate that i can spend so much time writing a stupid entry about my own sadness, instead of spending time figuring out how i can improve. i can make lists and plans and goals, but that's just something in my head, another image of what i want to be. and it's all so simple when you look at it from a certain point of view. but when i get into these moments, and feel that sadness, the goals and plans and lists don't really matter. all i can really think about is why am i so fucking sad?

of all the times that i could leave you with such a sad note, i chose the day after Christmas. but i really didn't plan this. every aspect of my life seems so planned, and i think about exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it. so when my routine is altered (which is most of the time, but of course that's only natural) i have trouble adjusting. i had hoped to write something merry, but this just sort of came out today.

but i do hope you enjoyed spending time with your families this holiday, whether you celebrate one or the other :)

xox love jen

sad news, christmastime

hello lovelies :):)

i hate to start a post on a negative note, so i shall show you a breakfast from last week at home :)

cinnamon-raisin-banana oaties ;)

oats with cinnamon&ginger, natural raw almonds, 1/2 banananana; topped with the last of my "pb+co cinnamon raisin swirl", a few shredded wheat squares and a touch of milk


i'm trying to use natural light, the first one is with no flash but both required a lot of touching up.
i'm still working on my (lack of..) skill.

unfortunately, mt uncle passed away sunday evening. i was quite shocked; it was definitely expected but i think he just suddenly crashed that morning when he began having trouble breathing, which meant that the cancer in his bread was truly taking over. i always hesitate to hare so much about someone else, and worry that im invading my family's privacy. but i know im not mentioning any names, and my cousin was so proud of him, putting up a link on facebook of his obituary in the globe and mail (a key canadian newspaper).

the private burial is today (which im meant to attend) and the funeral itself is on friday. i thought they were going to wait until after Christmas for that portion (partly because most of his family is from the states) but i guess my aunt and cousin want to deal with this before Christmas. and that's understandable.


i made these a few days ago :) they filled the house with a gingerbread & spices smell which was wonderful

i love ginger so so much :) i made a few slight changes, and put less flour as they were quite dense the last time. i think i added more molasses but it worked out well, they're quite sweet but the recipe originally calls for less sugar (probably because i increased the molasses :P)

to brighten the post, lighten the mood, here is something festive to show, having a bit of fun with my new camera, just amateur photos though, i'm not a professional :P

im sorry i couldn't cheer anyone up. i hope the next time we talk i can be happier :)

if Christmas comes before that, then merry Christmas to you all

xoxox love, jen

from bad to worse ;(

hey lovelies :):)

its really cold out today :O bitter, but sunny. i didn't know this until i stepped outside for a little run, in my fleece & puffy white vest :P i was pretty stylin, i have to say...

not. but nevertheless, i went out. my day has been pretty awful so far actually, its like one thing after another. some are trivial but still get to me. i felt sick and weak, then after getting showered, dressed, etc my breakfast failed so many times. it started with gross/stale oats i think, so i got new ones from a Quaker oats bag, but my banana was gone. so i got some sliced frozen ones as i didn't have ripe ones left. then, i went to pour the soy milk and shook the carton, but apparently some brilliant child (me...) didn't close it. so it went everywhere. lkjlkjlkj at this point i was hungry and just wanted my freaking breakfast. so centuries later i sat down to the breakfast below. my oats were still hot though, surprisingly :P


oats with cinnamon&ginger, almonds, 1/3rd crumbled apple-crisp crunchy nature valley bar, bite-size shredded wheat, milk

but how depressing am i??? change of topic. yesterday, my family & i had our photo taken. it took awhile and, well...i don't like how i look so that was a bit difficult. but i think it turned out sort of okay. we had the same photographer that took my photo when i was two :P same with my brother, though his was taken 4 years prior of course, as he's older. what has changed in twenty years? well, not much :P but i could sit still. when i was younger, i never could. and my mom told me that it was a bit of a nightmare taking the photo as i was on the chair for a split second....snap the photo. then i immediately jumped off.

i tried these for the first (i think??) time yesterday, they don't seem to sell the jocolats here. it was okay, but quite bitter. i like the chocolate chip/brownie (?) larabar more :P this was different though & i love the wrapper.

i'm about to set up my new camera though :) my dad has offered to help. i know :/ i haven;t even used it yet. the photos here, along with the last few, are taken with my dad's Nikon D-50 (i think thats how you say it). so im excited to try mine out :)

so...Christmas is in a week. gosh that is scary soon. i can't believe it's been a whole year. it's sad to realise that nothing has changed for the better. and i'm not the only one to mention the obvious. im so terrified that something bad is going to happen. i love this holiday but lately it causes so much stress and, since it mean so much to me, im worried that it won't be enjoyable. we're supposed to see both sides of the family. and, my concerns do not compare (in the slightest) to what my extended family is going through. on my mom's side, it's the first Christmas since my aunt died last august. and on my dad's side, it's the last Christmas to spend with his brother in law (my dad's sister's husband, my uncle...) he was diagnosed with brain cancer a little over two years ago, with a prognosis of two years. he underwent a few brain surgeries to keep removing parts of the tumour, but it was stage four when discovered, and too close to parts of his brain making it impossible to remove entirely. in the last few months he has gone downhill severely, and is now paralized on one side, along with other things, and he's in a hospice as it was becoming too difficult for his family at home. so, yea this year has been crap. the year of the cancers i guess :(

i hope you are all doing well though. do you like the holidays? which do you celebrate? i've always loved this season, but it's not quite the same as when i was younger. my best memories are probably of when i lived a bit further north in a small town. there was always so much snow all winter, and when i woke up Christmas morning i felt so giddy and excited and could not believe the day had actually arrived. my brother and i would wake up so early, and sometimes didnt go back to sleep. one year i remember we snuck down to the basement to watch tv until my parents got up, but for some reason picked a violent war film, not Christmas-ey at all :P and on Christmas eve, we would go to our local ski hill (resort) to watch people ski down one particular hill carrying little torches, it was so beautiful i remember :) it was called the "parade of lights" i think.



xoxox

love jen

just some thoughts...& something special :)

hey lovelies :):)

i just wanted to make a little post to write down a few things and then add something fun :) i'm hoping this will be much less 'heavy' than my last, which...i know, it was lengthy and filled with thoughts, many confusing at times, but thank you so much for reading it. i was scared to post it, and i always worry about what others will think of me. but i'm glad i wrote it down, i think it's good to be honest. it's something i try to do in my blog.

anyway, this morning i was debating whether to run or not, back and forth in my mind ugh it was crazy. you see, part of the reason was because they're doing alarm checks in each apartment in the building all day today and tomorrow, but they don't give a time. so im just anxious now knowing when they'll come, if i'll be out or in the shower and what not since my brother left this morning. well, i decided to run and it was pretty good. short and sweet (ish). it's so mild out though, such a contrast to when i ran on monday when it was frigid. or saturday i mean, when the wind was so strong and cold and harsh.


this isn't mine, but it reminded me that i'd love to have some pecans with oats like i did in new york :)

i eventually got to my breakfast, which was a lovely oats and cereal mix:

plain Quaker oats with cinnamon and ginger, almonds,
topped with crystallized ginger, some shredded wheat bites and a bit of milk :)

i had my coffee afterward while doing some computer work and what not. my anxiety has been sky high lately, and it's usually quite high by the way. so now its just awful. everything sends me in a panic essentially and im constantly tense and stressed and just exhausted. physically too...i think emotional stress just somehow drains my body, that or im sick. idk i hope i'm not :/ and the stress gives me awful symptoms too which terrify me even more. last night for example...not a nice evening. well i returned from a short intern day (yet i was still so stressed and exhausted and sick from it...its so pathetic) and i came home to have dinner with my parents. but we started discussing other things and everyone was upset, i was upset. i feel like i bring out the 'bad' in everyone else, the anger, the sadness, the negativity. and then my dad was going to drive me home and i felt badly since he was like coughing so much, he has a cough i guess but i just felt horrible. and was upset about the arguing and stressed since i had a lot of work to do for the internship and i'm not someone who deals with that well. i know there will always be work, and lists, and to-dos...but i just imagine all of the things i have to do and if i can't tackle it, or at least sort of schedule things i can't sleep or anything until it's done.

but enough about that. actually, first...how do you deal with stress? and all the above?
i need some tips as i'm evidently not doing well.

there is a chapter in a book i mentioned a while ago, "don't sweat the small stuff" (and its all small stuff...titled "when you die, your inbox will never be empty". and it's something i should begin to learn, or accept really. i feel like i need to be completing things and if something is still left undone i cannot stop stressing. which makes it difficult, and then im always waiting to be done with something, and never enjoying the present. and i tend to treat everything as work, negative, unpleasant that i need to "get through fast".

the amazingly lovely emily + also the beauty rhiannon tagged me though with this versatile award. though i doubt my blog is versatile. it was fun to find seven things though...

ahhh i love awards :)

Here are 7 things you probably didn't know about me:

one. when i was about three, i used to eat insects. seriously, little ants on the ground. i would be sitting on the patio at my cottage and would see the "baby ants" as i called them. but they're not babies in reality, just small ones. and i'd squish them! and then put them in my mouth. so odd, as now im freaky about germs, and hate killing things. honestly i would cry probably.

two. i learned to ride a two-wheeler sans training wheels when i was three. my brother, seven at the time, was learning and i guess i though, bahh i can do this. so i did. idk if that's impressive or not but i think that most people learn a bit later. or not, is that early to learn? aha maybe you all learned earlier. i was an adventurous kid, my dad was proud. now...well not so much but i'll try soon.

three. similarly to the above (i see a trend, these are all when i was little) i climbed up our old tv tower thing at our cottage when i was three. apparently i disappeared and my family was calling for me, then spotted me wayyy up at the top of the tower. and i didn't really understand the danger. so they sort of coaxed me down but i was just smiling. aha we have a photo of that. but i loved climbing and was in gymnastics, but eventually when i was ten i had to give that up because i was also swimming, and between all the meets and what not it was just too busy, so i chose swimming :) actually part of the reason was because my parents thought that swimming was something i could continue when i was older, whereas with gymnastics its more difficult, the flexibility and strain on your body and what not...well i think i'd have to stop at some point. but with swimming i guess i can do it in my nineties :P

four. i love family guy. i initially saw it and just didn't understand it...and then i realised that you don't have to. i guess i found it just insulting. but then i watched it a few more times and i love it, i end up laughing at everything, i don't know why. but i do find it a bit too much, especially when they pick fun at certain things, it's just too mean :/ but really i just love stewie. ahh i think he's so cute, more so when he's just being a baby. i know his voice is odd and he can be rude, but he's ahhh i can't explain. when he just walks around and his feet go pitter-patter and just some moments when he acts like a baby, :P cute. like this one. my favourite thing i've seen is the one where he and brian (dog) get locked in the bank. and i know that most of it is just gross, the poo thing. but the ending is precious. and i was scared that they would ruin it by adding something rude, which is what normally happens after a truly sweet moment on the show. but they didnt :)

five. i love to read, and i know that's nothing new. but i've read before bed, each night, for like almost three years. maybe less, but i feel like i have to, and that something bad will happen if i don't :P but honestly i just need to read something before i try to get to sleep, a novel though not like a magazine/paper, etc.

six. im sorry if these are boring, it's really hard! hmmmm...oh i have a tiny section of my hair that is blond, like white blond. but the rest is a darker brown, and i've had it since birth i guess :P it's sort of underneath a few layers so you don't see it unless my hair is half up, but i used to feel special with it, and i'd go to the hair dresser and they'd notice it and i'd smile :P

seven. i love to act, and would ultimately love to act in films. i love films, and it's been my dream for a while. i know that i won't be happy unless i can do this. but im soooo shy, especially when i first meet people and with non-family members. so people don't really understand when i tell them that i want to work in the film industry :P in grade ten, i had switched schools and was in the senior drama play "twelve angry women" (take off of 'twelve angry men'...i went to an all-girls, feminist, etc :P school aha, not that it's a bad thing) and my character, juror #3 was loud, bitter, opposing everyone. and most people were like whaaat? since i was so shy i guess, and my character was the opposite. i loved playing that role though, and i think it's been my favourite. but of course my one grandmother (well the only grandparent i have left) was like, "wasn't she just playing herself"...aha ouch :/

i keep seeing that more people have been tagged. if you want to do a post on this then do it :) i tag everyoooone. or just tell me a few random things about yourselves :P this was hard though, for me at least!

well, they came to test the alarms. :) throughout the day (ohh like just now, my ears :/) they are testing it in all the apartments, so theres this sudden, sharp, loud screeching. and i can't prepare for it and its sort of funny but this morning each time it happened my entire body was like slkdjflksjdf;a.lfjskdljf!!! and my heart started a delayed palpitation thing baha. then like a few seconds later it did it again. and then again, so on...

i hope you had a lovely weekend and nice start to the week, and hopefully most of you are finished with school/work soon for the holidays :) im watching this youtube episode of arthur (i promise i don't watch it all the time but i needed something to escape too, and someone has uploaded recent episodes)...and its about blogging...muffy has a blog, and people get bored of it and are like "you can't just blog about your salad for lunch...no one wants to read that" and that her blog needs to have an angle. and she starts to blog about real things, like her fights with francine, and then people get upset because she starts posting about private things. it sort of directly related to me, and i laughed a bit. i didn't even realise it until i was posting on here, and hearing it at the same time. here is the link :P

lots of love

jen