spring is here

hey lovelies :) :) is it warm where you are? its nice today, though yesterday was quite hot, didn't like that much :P

no breaky post as this morning was a bit wacko, my parents needed to 'buff' our granite counter tops which was this complicated process where it had to sit over night and we couldn't touch it pretty much till late morning, which meant no coffee...so we left to second cup for breakfast, but i made such a fuss as i didn't want to eat a muffin there so i ended up having cereal when i got back. anywho, i did go with them and sat there and bought a coffee and such. i don't know why, i used to love going there for baked goods, but i felt like i wanted something more 'substantial' so yea that's what happened. but i ate...

- cold cereal mixture
- almonds
- cinnamon
- bit of skim
- banana before leaving

---and a large coffee out :)

i do have some photos of foodezzz from the past few:



yesterdays breakfast of oats and cereal, almonds, wheat germ, a few other things there

ohhh this heavenly (if i do say so myself) pumpkin spice cake i made, glaze with the help of my mommyyy on sunday night for a family dinner mmm such a lovely combination of spices it was sooo good, we still have a bit left in the freezer for later

the one thing i bought on saturday aha, excited to read when im

done with my current list

so i'm still getting things unpacked, organizing, trying to give things away...cleaning makes me feel less anxious you know, like cleansing yourself and getting rid of things, makes me feel less cluttered. also continuing to get a job, searching, figuring out course for this summer and my final year of uni in the fall...

spending my other time walking/running/yogaing...eating...shopping...


don't worry i'm not spending much as i always watch my budget, and i'm
still needing to find a job for the spring/summer :)

what i have on right now (uo dark grey skinnies, cami and cardigan thingy)

anywho, i was so happy yesterday when the post arrived, all my shipping boxes came from school PLUSS i bought the two harry potter books i was missing (i've read them but didn't own the 5th or 6th) so now i can properly re-read the series aha...i love love love these books so much, i cannot even explain, i freaking love reading omg i just go through these periods where i can't stop, and keep finding amazing books, its escapism just like movies :) im pretty sure i'm seeing the runaways with a friend this week so if that happens ahhhh fuck yea cannot wait.

hope you all have relaxing days...

lots of love

in the city

hey lovelies :) :) how are you??? i've been so-so i guess, happy to be home but still figuring lots of stuff out...

breaky was a bowl of cold cereal, a mixture of optimum blueberry cinnamon and some homemade muesli, with banana, almonds, dried cranberries, cinnamon, coffee before hand

we're supposed to go around the city today with a subway family pass, shh im supposed to be 18 for the day, though i look younger so it won't matter anyway :P im not sure if i want to, i feel sick and scared and weird, but we're going so maybe i can buy some vintage stuff on queen st. :)

i'm not sure what's wrong with me, i feel sick and tired and its so pathetic its like i want to be lie this. im terrified of being ill, but im always feeling horrible and its like i want to be alone. just curled up reading a book all day long. i get little bursts of happiness if i want to go out, bake some things, go running/walking/exercise and stuff but all-round its like i just want to be sad, but i really don't. it seems so much easier not to go out all the time and it sounds scary and unpleasant to me, going out and keeping myself busy and occupied. i don't know why. i know i'm doing most of this to myself but its hard to get out of this mindset, and to branch out and take risks. i don't even want to hang out with people only like my best friend maybe, otherwise its just socializing with people i don't have anything in common, and most people my age do things that, at the moment, i don't want to do. this sounds so lame but i wish i knew some of you in real life because we'd probably be like great friends, supportive, understand each other. ahh i don't know its hard to explain, and im just selfish and caught up in my own fears.

anywho, this little lady makes me happy:


enjoying one of maya's presents...

love her <3

i hope you all have fun plans for the weekend. when im not in school the days of the week don't mean the same thing and i often lose track of which day it is, if its a weekend or not. especially the last few summer when i worked retail (hellll) i had random shifts in evenings, weekend, mornings so honestly no special day meant anything, except for my days off of course :D okayyy so i must go, short and sweet, i never have too much to say but i run out of ideas, hopefully i can take some more photos for the next time i see you all

lots of love

home :D

hey lovelies :) :) so i flew back yesterday and now im back home!!! yeaaa. fun fun fun.

anywho, breaky today...


return of the rabbit bowl



- large-flake rolled oats (didn't have these in my place at school only instant)
- bit of banana
- tonssss of cinnamon and ginger and nutmeg
- with many almonds
- bit of crunchy muesli added
- some milk too

i have a doctors appointment in an hour...it is important and i have stuff to discuss, but i dont like the doctors. i get paranoid about the sicknesses and stuff. but hopefully it will be aaa okay. on the plane yesterday i watched an episode of extreme makeover home-edition (which i used to watch ALL the time...i dont even have a tv at school though aha) and the family was this one woman and she had adopted 8 children, all with mental and or physical disabilities...many were in wheelchairs with no legs or for some reason or another couldn't walk. and they had flights of stairs in this old and too-small-for-them house so the girls would get up the stairs pushing with their arms...it was so sad, so they obviously deserved so much. and the mom was amazing, she helped them and is so selfless. and they did have a boy in the family who just passed a few days before christmas, he was 22 :( so the had to clean out his room for her before they re-built it and found a diary where he was explaining how much pain he was in, but that he was going to keep trying. ahh it was so heartbreaking, but they were so happy and why not? they all have dreams, amazing families.

eeee i was SOO excited to see her last night :) :) :)

i have so much to do now though, finding a job for now, i've done a bit of stuff longdistance but now i have to finalize things. i want to get a few clothes though...aha sort of messed as i don't have a job quite yet. i also need to figure out plans for my last year of uni. but its still early so im not too crazy worried.

random outfit pics (actually just from one day) :P

for those of you that don't eat meat (i do but not a lot) how do you get your protein, as i'm lacking in nutrients overall so i need to make sure i eat better. i have lots of nuts, nut butter, eggs at times though i might have some intolerance unless its in my head. i need to start re-introducing things back into my diet, but im a bit scared.

okay that's all for now i hope you're all well loveee

happy monday beauties

hey lovelies :) :) ahhh first actual exam today, in like 3 hours sldkfjlsdkjflksdjflkjlskdjflk.

no picture of breaky because my battery was dead and i wanted to eat NOW. otherwise it would sit and get cold while i waited for an hour. but i will describe mon petit dejuner to you all...

- red river hot-cereal (tons of flaxxx)
- banana
- a few walnuts
- cinnamon of course
- bit of milk
- with some dry LIFE cereal (i looove life) on top


mmm

okay so thankgoooodness i have something to write about, lucie put up this thing on her bloggie and i was on it! woop. at first i just read the names and was like, aww thats nice...then i saw ellen and i was like oooo thats mee!!! its not my name, just the one on here so i had a dumb moment before realising aha. i feel special :):) honestly though its a good thing because i have nothing to talk about besides the usual boring negative, or you know what im doing, eats, etc. so this is fun i love you lucie! plus its all about being positive, forcing me to say things so its a good thing!!! i might not be doing this right its all new to me but anywho...oh and i have not proof-read it at all and there is a lot of writing, so sorry about that, i've never said this much in a post so i'm a bit nervous

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?

hmm. in terms of my physical body self, i guess my upper body? its naturally a bit smaller. in terms of my looks, i really and truly do not like me but i guess i like my hair and eyes, my hair is growing now but its been fairly soft though not at the moment. i used to hate that i was short ish im like just under 5.4 and partially because of my weight i thought that if i could get tall i'd be thinner and what not...but now i don't mind being smaller, sort of petite...but that also makes me want to be thinner since i always feel like since im small its easier for me to get bigger...if that makes any sense.

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

umm. aha i suck. at the moment i have to do so much in terms of relaxation, reading, personal me time in order to not be a total mess most of the time. but part of that is because im living on my own, obsessed with my own thoughts, no one to distract me. so im too caught up in my issues. but that's the only way to get by right now, is just to let myself sort of stick to a schedule. try to get sleep, lots of water and healthy food. also get outside most of my exercise is outdoors..

3) What are you looking forward to?

short term: going home on wednesday. also just having a good summer, its been sooooo long since i've had a good summer i can't even explain :( long term: not being so anxious, getting happier, getting healthier...and super long term just obtaining my career goals. hellloooo dreamer jen :P

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

well, i haven't told too much about myself. this isn't the only thing i'm going through, i suffer from anxiety and fears and just panic stuff at the moment too. so in general this year has been really tough, but my family has been supportive to a certain degree (they don't get a lot of it so its hard for them not to become frustrated when i cannot seem to help myself) and people online, forums, you lovely ones...but regarding my eating issues it really started when i was 14 and when i dropped the first time, i wasn't happy about getting help but my family cares so much about me and just wanted me to be okay. so i love them for that. though ever since then i've lost their trust and especially with my dad, even when i gained a lot more he would still see me as less, if that makes sense...so i feel like he'll never look at me in a normal light. anywho...yea, but pretty much staying in contact with anyone going through the same issues as i am has been amazing. its very difficult to not feel stupid and selfish and just hopeless when the people helping you just don't understand, so getting support from those who are in your boat has been very helpful.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

breakfast (red river cereal and stuff, mentioned all above)

6) What is one material thing you're dying to have right now?

ohhh my god boots like these, i think they're freepeople

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

i haven't yet been anywhere in the UK so obviously England, I've been to other countries in Europe but I'd also love to visit Ireland and Scotland :)

8) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

well mine aren't just related to ed, also just fear of being sick and stuff and i have lots of intolerances, or things that bother my stomach...i guess meat at the moment, i used to eat it but i don't like cooking it myself, i'm getting better with fats, i eat much more fats from nuts like natural nut butters, walnuts and almonds on their own...i still don't like eating oil, just a tiny bit but i will start having more, and also milk and cheese, i might include more of them in my diet...at the beginning i had a complete fear of fat, back when i started like age 14 and counted that instead of calories (i thought that's how it worked!) and eliminated so much that i probably caused some harm, but i don't mind it now as long as its considered 'healthy-fats', but i've learned that saturated fat is apparently essential? anyway i guess i could start eating more non 'healthy' fats in my mind, but first i should probably learn more, educate myself on what i need since im lacking essential nutrients at the moment, i can just sense things happening to my body because of it...oh actually i just remembered i used to fear peanut butter and made my mom get the kraft half fat, same calories and all...and now i dont mind eating the natural butters which have full fat, but they're much healthier so that's a step i guess :P regarding fear of foods for another reason, i don't like anything rich pretty much, dont like eating foods prepared by other people, not knowing what's in it, of if it has like germs and stuff..

9) What are your dreams for after ED?

well i think i'm much better now, but i do want to try to maintain a healthier mind at some point before i get older and have kids, my big fear is regarding children, families, how i'll influence them, i want them to be happy and im so scared that my mind is warped, im very rigid and stuck in my ways, so i need to change that

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

ahh im not sure, just my biggest pet peeve is people who are misinformed, and i hear things all the time, comments, etc that don't even make sense. so pretty much don't talk about it unless you actually know what you're saying, that was more targeted to people who aren't going through one. obviously to those suffering, i don't know what to say, i never really was very severe, i don't want to sound in denial but truly i mean i suffered at the beginning but never went to any ip or anything...so i don't want to say something wrong. but i've realised lately how SERIOUS they are, and not to judge and think that just because someone doesn't look "skin-and-bones" they're okay, since a hs friend of mine died a year ago from heart failure due to complications and i never even new she was sick, really. i can't stress enough that we just need to take care of our bodies, we're strong, but we can't take that much. and a lot of the time you can't see what's going on inside of you until you've done damage, its just so scary and so sad. i wish no one had to suffer but people get better all the time and you have to believe in yourself, surround yourself with people who care about you and just get help. i hope i don't make people angry with what i've said, but its different for everyone so it's hard to make comments without people getting upset about it. but i love you allllllll

and i 'tag' these people: alexandra megan stephanie
i don't think i even have ten readers i just put 3 above aha but i read lots of blogs, esp recover ones and everyone is incredible :)

i don't even know how many times it is for this book...


okay well that's all ohhmygod i need to go study ill talk to you all sometime, loveee

sunday

hey lovelies :) :) i hope your weekends are going well! its quite sunny today, rained on friday and yesterday was a bit mixed. i haven't been out yet though so i'll see what the temperature is like.

breaky today was...



MASSIVE bowl of oatbran right there, i was trying to finish up the package since im leaving to go home in a few, but it was a tad more than usual. ate most of it though :P ahh sad tale i just went to get a few almonds, and i don't have many left but did my last grocery shop thing yesterday and i stupidly tipped the container to my mouth to like pour them in, and sooo many fell on the floor i nearly cried...i love almonds...:(

anywho, tomorrow i have my second last exam, and the last on is tuesday, so i must study. and do a bit of this:


there's just never enough space to put everything...

a few photos from the last few days...


friday's i believe, a mixture of cold cereals :)

okay i lied i just have that one photo. i cannot believe how soon im leaving. 3 days pretty much! but i need to make sure i do well on these exams, get through the last few days, pack and stuff. im just taking things off the wall and i usually leave that till last because everything looks so bare otherwise. but i don't want to be unprepared when my dad arrives, so its best to start now. maybe a little while ago aha, though i started packing clothing a long time ago since i could not wait to go. and now i guess im a bit happier.

i miss my cat so much its killing me. so im also super excited to see her :) loove her so much. anyone else have pets? we got her from an animal shelter in grade 8 and she's very sweet, kind, just lovely really :P

okay well i must go, study, pack, etc. hope everyone is doing okay. see you later.

love you lots

thursdayy

hey lovelies :) :) it sunny today!

first exam, handing in a final and an essay and then just two more next week on mon and tuesday then DOONE. :D

some oat bran with a ripe frozen banana, wheat germ, almonds, cinnamon, almond
raisin muesli (aka all i ate when i was in res at uni aha),
yogurt with cinnamon, coffee before hand...

i had so many bananas, very ripe ones and the kind where you eat them and its like...ohhhh no taste fermented or something gahhh so i froze one for today and now the ones left aren't entire black aha :P i don't want to bake anything so i couldn't just pop them in the freezer. i have a problem with buying so many, ones that ripen at the same time. i just love bananas though ahh.

dark skinnies, uo tank thing i think, gap cardi thingy...though i changed that portion afterward

eeee i just finished the exam and came back to finish, COMPLETE. it was fast, and the building was i think having a fire alarm so we ended up writing it outside but its hot and sunny and uncomfortable yet i finished it before too long and then handed in my take home along with it and get outtta thurrr. i know you all care about these details :)


anywho, i must do some more things and class and such, so ill talk to you all later.

much love loviesss

oh em gee

hey lovelies :) :) good to be back :D seriously.

okay, breaky today was this:





- red river hot cereal with added goodies, yogurt with honey...coffee.

I've had internet issues for the past while, couldn't work on certain school stuff, contact anyone really, etc. not cool, but i think its back on, not sure if it will last. I do realise i'm dependent on the internet though, for support, keeping in touch, just to calm down in a sense which isn't healthy, but i was so anxious and freaking out and sick and stuff and it just wasn't fun. but its not like im going on to surf, i am connecting to either lovely bloggers or friends from back home, people i do know, and without it im lost, especially when i'm in a panic. i mean i called my mom last night after dinner because i felt so sick, had been on and off and told her i was having a lot of trouble calming down. i didn't even care, i don't mind being open/vulnerable to her i can't help it. she was great though, i wasn't supposed to call till tuesday so it was a quick chat, she was making dinner aha. and she told me to try a few things. i loveth her.

anywho, lots of pictchaas from the last few days, eats...

yummy treat thing from the lovely lovie :)which conveniently is sort of rich in riboflavin

so yea i have a week left till home. DID YOU HEAR? chyeaa babyy. so fareakking excited. final in class exam thursday, finished my essays thus far, hand in my last take home then, and next tuesday i'm done with exams. with third year. with this city. wooooooooop :D ahh no this is a nice feeling. and i will get better at things, i will become healthy, happy, a nicer person. its time for a change.

some outfit picsss


back to basics...

on another note, i think i have some deficiency of certain vitamins, ive searched myself and i know that self-diagnosis is not a good idea, but i think im lacking in either iron, vit b2 or both...see i have the symptoms and had them once before in grade 10 when i started restricting, well i started before that, but even when i began eating a bit more i was hardly drinking milk and not really eating cheese, eliminating fats, etc...and those can cause what i'm experiencing. and right now i know that im eating more nut oils but probably not getting much milk intake. so i need to have more milk, nuts and leafy veggies, i used to eat tons last year but since i was having digestive and other unpleasant issues i started to decrease...so i guess i need to have more of those. anywho random but i wanted to say that :) anyone else get this? a main symptom (if that's what i have) is dryness in the lips but also, this is a bit gross, but like cracked on the side? and no matter how much lip stuff i put on its like painful, and my mouth is dry and stuff. but yea i don't want to get into that it sounds weird. aha, but besides what i mentioned what are good foods to eat to help this? iron i guess spinach, other green veggies, etc...

ANYWAY...i hope everyone is doing well. i'd love to hear from you. talk to you all soon...

lots of love

happy good friday

hey lovelies :) :) hope you're having a nice day off, whatever you're up to :P this will be a much bigger post, as i don't know when i'll be writing next, plus i have pictures from the last bit, missed some days, etc.

breaky today was...

a little darky-dark, there are some oats underneath that bundle of goodies :)

SO...how are y'all? kidding i don't say y'all, not from the south, not even from the states...but i guess anyone can say y'all right :P what sort of things should i talk about on here? i know i don't type much, don't have a lot of readers, but people say oh its your bloggie do watcha want...but im out of ideas...anyone? ...anyone?...bueller?

some rando eats from the past little bit...

yummy cookie/bar type thing...


i've been od-ing on these :)


oyyy...:)

so its getting closer to home yee :) a week wednesday. and im done classes in a week, then some examsers and such...then my daddyyy comes a day before we leave, packin' and stuff, boxes to ship...then flyyyy away :D i don't even like flying at the moment but home is on the other side. is anyone else in uni, when do you end? i think the states ends more like in may right? i know you all had your reading weeks or "spring break" aha, so i guess you still have a term or half a term or something.

i think this was tuesday or thursday?
true religions with stripped body suit
3/4 length aha, and Banana cardigan

so, that is all for now, i guess this wasn't too long of a post, but for me it is :) i will talk to you all later.

love you lots