its getting closer...

hey lovelies :):) everyone off school yet? (if you're still in school)...so close to christmas!!! those who celebrate, are you all ready? gifts put together, wrapped, cards made etc...

this morning i had a rushed but fairly yum breakfast, multigrain oats, i've never had this one before and it was very different to a plain oat-type grain (not like scottish or steel cut though)


random outfit, black uo tights with vneck, victoria secret (which ahh
we apparently just got in canada)..

ahh so, its been interesting this holiday. my brother is here for a few weeks while we get our place arranged, so its sort of liker when we were young, with the whole family together...yeayyy...hmmmph. im very controlling and like rigid i guess, not just with food. and im working on it, but..its just hard..its just that i try to keep my things separate, and get so anxious when people are around and touching my food, god that sounds so ridiculous. im a bit ridiculous i guess. and im just freaky about everything and like anxious and what not. so more people here creates more of that, if that makes sense. and then i get like upset and just am not that great to be around.

but i want this to be a good holiday. eee festive...


one of my favourite lunabars (nutz-over-choccc)

im not sure when i'll post next, i just have nothing great to say, and i hate making posts like this. its just depressing, even more so that im writing that its depressing and then writing about that...and just a bunch of odd outfit photos? ahh who wants that..

no one, and i hardly take photo photos anymore, i guess yanking out my camera and then rushing back to wash ad such before eating is taking a while :P


but i do like jcrew crewcuts :) teheee

i must jet but i wish you all happy, safe, relaxing holidays

xoxox love jen

wednesday december 8th

hey lovelies:):)

this morning i had coffee.....and then made yummy scottish banana figgy walnut oats!!! mmm i just purchased dried figs which i've never had to my recollection, besides like fig newtons :P and they taste a lot like fig newtons tehee..

im so upset, this is atrocious but honestly it looked pretty my camera was dying
and i guess i was rushed and never looked at the photo :(

but after hearing a lot about them i thought i'd try. first of all we had to return the first package, they were from turkey, not sure if that constitutes as "turkish-figs" but anywho they were like moldy or something gahh so i just found the only other type in the store imported from greece, so i'm not sure how fresh they are: kalamata dried figs, like the olives i guess aha? on their own they have a very tough skin and i cooked them so they softened in the oats this morning. the flavour is still quite strong so it didn't compliment the other additions to my oats but still a pretty good choice i think :P

i will try to (even if i don't blog it, heyy! even if i don't piccy it...) name my breakfasts, maybe just with oats but like title names, like "pine currant oats" aha after one of this lovie's one.

im not sure which jeans, i think they're just bdg higher waisted grey skinnies (UO) and a
gap thin white turtleneck, along with a woolish (mohhair?) long vest from banana

so...i have all my exams right now and im scuured. and a bit stressed. and also i had to change some because they were at the exact same time and all that stuff isn't yet confirmed so its sort of up in the air which, to mee, means more anxiety. but heyyoo its the holidays, which is making me nervous and i hate that honestly i love christmas i always have, i remember my old (i guess old old old place in a small town when i was younger) i just loved everything about it, and its supposed to be good so why the fuck can't i calm down? sorry:( sldkfjslkdfjlsdkj honestly its just stupid. not christmas i mean me. :) christmas is NOT stupid..and i would become sooo depressed like right after it, usually after the present opening thing :P like ahh another whole year until it comes again :( but now its not just presents, i mean we hardly get any as we get older so i enjoy more aspects of it, the weather at times, the music, family. anyway, enough of that.



today i just have studying, i want to go to shoppers to get some stuff, just like hair elastics, the new teen vogue since elle fanning is in it and she's adorable, and maybe something else like lip chap :P i also want to bake but we'll see..

ahaha see ya, ending with a wacko photo, love you lots

mardi

hey lovelies :):)


organic multigrain wheat squares, balance granola,
optimum organic ginger-cranberry, almonds, milk!

its getting really cold here! actually today its like 12 so mild and raining. pahh whatever yo..anywho, im watching a little princess for like the fiftieth billion million trillion gazillionth time, i love this film, its really sad though, but with a good ending of course. i always cry when she does, and especially the ending..."saraaahhh" (her dad yells) ahh so sad. but happy sad :)

my parents come back todayyy wooop :) hopefully that's a good thing...:P i want to make dinner so that they can come home to it, but we don't have spagetti sauce, we had suggested just like meatless sauce so a nice jar of like plain tomato basil sauce, so maybe i'll do pasta and veggies in a pan? i don't really want pasta but if i made quinoa they might not be happy. actually i have a problem and can never make that without burning the entire pan, smoking the house and setting of the fire alarm. no joke i think its happened 3 times already...and always when im alone. so maybe i won't do that...i guess pasta, then a side of veggies...then...i dunno salad? or no salad. i have no idea i suck :(

sunday night i watched a bit of a documentary on television called the Meerkats, narrated by Paul Newman about...well, meerkats. fuudge they are so cauuuute. but the story was really sad. i mean, it's life. but i hate that. you get so upset///or i get so upset i mean, when one of them is killed by another animal, but then of course they show the martial eagle flying over to her nest of children, because they need to survive too...so it's like...wahh ;( when i saw it on the guide i was like gahhhh Paul Newman (i had just watched Nowhere Boy and in my head i saw Paul McCartney)...yes that's right im that stupid. but i do like Paul Newman, and he has a lovely narration voice..but Meerkats are really sweet their mannerisms are like humans, i mean their facial expressions, the way they hold each other, like really grab and hug one another is just so amazing to watch i mean they really show love, here's a clip.

hmm so i must get back to work. ohh i just messaged an old friend, i met her on this summer program thing and it was so much fun, and ive sort of not contacted her much and i have lots of people on facebook like that, but im glad i did. i mean shes a year older and like wayyy more mature and what not, and since then im sure she's done lots of things whereas i haven't grown up at all baha. whatever :P i hope you're all doing well, not freezing too much if its cold where you are, and excited for the upcoming holidays :) xox

i don't know

hey lovelies :):)

today my parents went away. they're on a little vacation, and normally i'd be away living at school, but at the moment i'm home. so i'm quite sad, i still get like this and i miss them, i'm also feeling quite ill so it just makes it all worse. i have anxiety issues so they just are triggered by these sort of things and it's very difficult for me to cope. i know that's a bit silly, but it's just the truth.

i have no photo of breakfast, but i did eat something this morning. banana, then a small bowl of cream of wheat, with a bit of wheatgerm, organic wheat squares and granola, a few almonds and a bit of skim milk. and strong coffee, i can't believe i'm saying this but...possibly a bit too strong? :P

it's sort of bipolar weather, i was going to say, 'its almost winter' because it snowed on sunday...but then monday was like...tropical almost just this strange warm wind was blowing through, then it rained. a lot :(

tehee..except i'm not an only child

i've been feeling rather sad these last few days, and i guess depressed, i don't use the term lightly so its not just a bit of sadness. im alone now as my parents are on vacation for a bit, so it makes me just more upset and anxious and just freaky about things. also im trying to figure out like apartment stuff and its not going well, like i'm meant to move in a bit for the rest of the school year, just because i wasn't supposed to be at home for the whole year and i was originally away at another university in another province on my own, so we're trying to do the same sort of thing for independence. and that's worrying me a lot. i've developed more safety things and held onto things so it will be even harder to let go of them. it's sort of bad, i mean im in university and i feel like i'm even less independent and strong and grown-up than a few years ago. i don't know why..

anyway, some breakfasts from the past week or so...

cold cereal mixture (basic shredded wheat, organic wheat squares,
optimum organic ginger-cranberry), banana, almonds, wheatgerm

scottish oats with cereal (organic wheat squares and optimum)
& walnuts

i believe that's cream of wheat with cereals and walnuts on top

i hope things get better, for everyone else and for myself (selfishly) but i do need to make an effort and i get that. it's just difficult you know? things keep getting in the way, and pushing me into this downward spiral. i guess that's all for now. lots of love

new beginnings :)

hey lovelies :):)

breakfast today was some plain oats with banana, dried cherries, cinnamon mixed in and topped with wheatgerm, plain unsweetened shredded wheat squares, organic optimum cereal (banana-almond) and a few walnut halves, as well as some skim. and a vitamin. x trois :P

this week has been...hellish, but i decided that i want to try new things and just broaden my wacko sheltered like paranoid life at the moment. i hope to start with breakfast :P like new oatmeals...okay i realise this is clearly not broadening much but little baby steps is how i shall roll. i was able to try a few new things since the last post...

like cream of wheat, i used to eat it all the time as a child especially in the winter months, like my family would eat hot cereal a lot and alternate between this and "bird seed" as i called it, but it was red river cereal, and then oatmeal occasionally...but i had it with my family this past sunday, reminded me of my childhood

but i would like to try these two loves inspired carrot pb sammy, this really amazing girl's oatmeal creations (my favourites on the list are the slivered almond-nut butter and the craisin-nut butter)...i actually don't normally put nut butter on my oatmeal as i don't like it that warm, but it could be nice...so i shall attempt it :P. and i will find more, if you have any options that are yum let me know please!!! also i'm intrigued about the whole overnight oats but i don't know if i'd want to leave something for that long in the fridge...and maybe it would taste gross...and just, i dunno like how many people have eaten and loved it?

im having weird like triggering issues, and wanting to be tiny. and just like maybe i wasn't gaining much or trying to control my eating in terms of cals...so now that i feel like im noticing something or if i eat more one day im like wtf and then if i hear about people exercising like my family or what not i feel so large. and just gross. and i make certain comments into something else, like say i went for a run, then if my dad would be like "oh its nice out you should go for a walk" and i get all defensive like i went running remember??? what do you mean?? im sure i sound like a psycho. but yea, and i know im not dangerously thin or even anything remotely close to that. so i know i can lose. and the thing is that i was never in ip really and though i lost the trust of people including doctors and had to gain like maybe 5 years ago...that was a while ago. some people may have forgotten. but on the other hand if i went like lower than before or just got out of control i'd mess up everything and have to gain more and probably be more than i am now. sorry if this is just triggering, i just felt like saying my thoughts.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately, like three nights in the past week i've taken forever like 3 or more i don't knwo hours, even when im sooo tired. and it sucks its scary to be so tired and realise that you cannot fall asleep, and i can't make myself, and it just feels awful so hopeless-like. i don't know why its happening, i mean i might have some idea but it doesn't make sense still. how do you deal with this if it happens?

am snack of plain western yogurt, cinnamon, organic wheat squares
anyway, i handed in a major essay yesterday in class and another one i finished last night, its not due for a bit but i have many things to complete around this time and don't want to be freaking out too much if its all at the exact same moment you know?

plaid :):)

i hope everyone is managing alright :) i really appreciate the comments and support and love reading all your posts, as i've mentioned too many times before :P lots of love

ginger

hey lovelies :):) its getting coooolld. but i like it rather than the heat i think

some of my desk at home :)

*****this morning i tried, for the first time ever, scottish-oats! just for myself, i was planning on making it for others but they weren't interested today. i'm always/usually nervous to try new things, so i was hesitant. it tasted quite creamy and sort of gelled in the bowl afterward. sounds unappealing but it reminded me of something...i think cream of wheat? the brand i have is bob's red mill organic, i have quite the assortment of bob's products in my fridge and freezer (wheat germ, natural bran for baking, scottish oats, oat bran, cornmeal for baking, bulgar...)

topped with cinnamon, a few tbps flax granola, Quaker oatmeal squares and sliced banana mixed in

i liked the taste, texture and just how it was easy to clean, i mean the pot was placed under the tap and the stuff just came off in a film! also sounds nasty but i was happy about that part :P

i also loved the package, i felt scottish for a few seconds...aha.

the air smelled so fresh, which is saying something since i live in a large pretty polluted city :P where i go running (sometimes) its in this ravine area and its just filled with leaves now and smells like a provincial park near my cottage, mmm:)

mmm teas...mostly peppermint and sleepytime :)

one of my breakfasts this week was large flake oats with a bit of flax granola on top, but the addition of 3 small ginger snap-like cookies which added sweetness and this nutty ginger flavour when they sort of melted with the heat of the oats. that sounds gross but it was ahhhmazing :) truly. i've been reading the clique books...i know they're meant for like 13 year olds but sort of addicting, and now i have their lingo in my head. not a good thing :S

i have this "pause" at my school this week, so i have no classes for some of my courses. still lots of work though, but i'll save a bit of money not traveling on the subway :P my brother and i might look at apartments though, as i will likely be moving in with him soon, especially once i'm done uni. and possibly investing in a larger place to rent out and stuff. i feel strange saying that on here but i don't believe anyone knows me for real or like where i live...well perhaps the city. shh don't tell.

yummy bars, optimum blueberry flax and nuts over chocolate luna

i realised that i have an addition to clothing, like purchasing new stuff, but i always watch my budget so i'm not concerned about that. lately its like online purchasing, and i bought jcrew for the second time in my life. the only other item i have is their jackie cardigan, basic in black which i purchased a few years ago when i went with my family to buffalo to shop, galleria mall yee...its where us Canadians go when the dollar is good :P just like now! i actually got crew-cuts, honestly those kids are my style icons, whyyy can't i be this amazing???

jcrew fall catalog
i also keep getting books on amazon.ca usually second hand, and they can be like one cent each but then they cost nearly seven dollars to ship, but all in all sort of a deal i guess.

breakfast last week of cold cereals, banana, almonds...

i've been sort of sad lately, well that often happens but i mean everything seems like such a chore, and i rarely feel happy naturally. when i went out to dinner that time with my family it was SO hard...but then when i just relaxed and ate it reminded me of when i used to go out to that restaurant all the time, even when i worried about calories and such, i just wasn't so paranoid about everything, and it was fun...i mean, things used to be fun and just more carefree and i don't know what my problem is, life shouldn't be this difficult. my life isn't that bad, but they way i am living right now it just gives off that feeling. and i don't look happy. apparently i just look like sick and sad...? fuck :(


i baked muffins! pumpkin(with raisins too), from one of anne lindsay's cookbooks

i was listening on the radio this morning and apparently (i wouldn't know as i rarely go there anymore :( ) um starbucks put up their like holiday shtuff the day after halloween aha and people are freaking out, so there was this debate on, when is it toooo early for that kind of thing, like this one guy was driving on the road and a station began playing christmas music and he nearly drove right off the road in shock. bahaha..not funny though if he had been hurt.

i used to start listening like mid november when this one station began playing non-stop until christmas and i'd be in my room doing homework. except not because i can't work with music but anyway, yea it made me happy. i used to get more excited about christmas but now it makes me scared and i HAAATE that. honestly like one thing that made me happy naturally is taken away because im so stupid and anxious and scared about every possible thing that can go wrong that i can never relax and enjoy the moment, and soon i don't know i mean anything can happen and i can't live like this, people die and so many people in my family (extended) are sick with like cancer and its just so sad, life is fragile....

okay, if i have any readers left...let me know what i should post about, i just want to write something happy and i run out of ideas besides just telling you what i'm up to. and since that normally isn't blog-worthy, i need more things :) i hope you're doing well, i always love to read your posts and even more adore reading comments ;)

love you lots!

sunday

hey lovelies :):) happy sunday, and of the month :P i wanted to update earlier than normal, but stupid me forgot to snap a photo of breaky...oh well.

similar to this from earlier in the year

oatbran with chopped dates and cinnamon cooked in (no banana as i was making it for my family) and almonds, more cinnamon :P and a bit of flax granola and multigrain life on top, with skim milk to cool it all down.


lots of almonds mmmm

okay i just need to say this...i am beee-yond excited for the last harry potter film, part one in like less than a month, and i want to preorder tickets but i don't know if anyone will come...so dilemma i don't want to go alone, i'll buy two anyway online and beg someone...anyone wanna join??? :P ahh im re-reading...

7th time maybe?

i'm going out with my family for dinner tonight i believe, i'm sort of anxious. i haven't gone out for an actual meal in...i can't remember, well i guess the wedding in the summer, though i didn't eat much. i just get scared when other people are preparing and i don't know what's in it, and like whether it will make me sick or just, other people making it, and i don't know exactly what's in it and everything. i used to go out so much more and i loved it, i loved eating out and getting like teas and coffee and food and it made me excited, especially on family vacations or when i'd travel alone or with like groups it would be fun normally, now it's this terrifying experience :(


hard to see? :P black skinnies and banana republic tee..

anyway, i hope it will be fun. if we go to this certain restaurant, it's one of my old favourites, this nice italian restaurant and their salads are really nice, and they have certain pastas which i don't think i'll have, but they have like thin crust pizzas, i just don't know about the cheese. whatever. i will just go and then choose i guess. and its not like i'm with people i don't know, so i can feel more at ease with my family i hope.


i hope everyone is doing well, lots of love

take my hand

hey lovelies :) :) i've been bad, i hardly write on here or post. i guess i wanted to try to write something more positive, instead of just posting for the hell of it you know?

first things first...breakfast today, after a short run (it was quite warm, fall-ish but not like brisk or anything) but it was was sooo mucky. it was similar this past weekend since it rained but even worse now that so many people have been running on it :S

bowl of cold cereal (mix of organic wheat squares, cinnamon Life, Quaker oat squares, yummy flax granola) then almonds and some banana, with cinnamon on top. and coffee mmm

i cannot believe its almost the end of october. woow. i'm liking the temperature, brisk, and short little runs in the early morning is nice because its cool, a bit chilly but not frigid and it usually feels pretty nice. the leaves are gorgeous. you know it's strange that i sort of love the season now, in a sense. like i have this thing where i negatively associate (or positively as well i guess...though not lately) things so something bad happened to me in this season, and i don't like it...that's how i feel about halloween anyway, but i still like autumn. and i like that it sounds more classy than fall. in my opinion anyway :P its a pretty season right? right. :)

so, a few things to share over the past...while. i wanted to at least include photos (of food anyway) and i have hardly taken any in the past few weeks. a few outfits, maybe a few food...so i thought i'd at lleeeeeaaaaast give you something related to the actual blog.

today's outfit, f21 skinnies, a+f kids top/bodysuit thing, white gap cardi
(ps i don't put the brand names for any reason other than to say the type of
clothing, or where i got it...its not like they're exclusive or anything aha
but i'm not trying to say anything by it)

okay...i think i have separation anxiety to the extreme. as in, im way to old to miss my parents when they leave for a few days. i am used to living away from home and spent most of uni out on the other side of the country, and i've always gone to overnight camp and just spent parts of summers away, but i've also always always ALWAYS (in those situations for sure) had a really difficult time with homesickness. right now maybe its because i have other things going on...but like holy molayyy i start crying when im alone and its this awful feeling of like hopelessness and knowing that no matter how much you cry nothing will get better. and its this ache. like physical pain. i think i know part of the reason...if i was a bit nicer and didn't freak out about my issues and lash out at them, sort of when i get anxious and controlling and just upset and then sort of seem like im blaming them...maybe its the guilt of how mean i am right now, like if i'm nicer (i am a nice person i think and they know and i know that i don't meant that. also i always explain and for sure they don't take any of it i mean they get pissed off...and rightfully so)...but yea i think its time i just stop being so fucking selfish. honestly. and i say i can't help it, but i mean that in the moment the fear or whatever is stressing me just overrides anything else. but i never used to do it to this extent. i just feel like such a bitch. mega-bitch..i hope i haven't painted a lovely picture of jen the awful child, im not like that, honestly i believe i'm sincere and kind and caring on the whole but i also think that i just act so horribly in the moment, like when im upset about something, and i can't blame it on that. its not acceptable. so there..goal for me!!!!! BE KIND :D

goes with the whole idea of kindness right? :P hehee peace...or "Pink" but same thing, right???

i was planning on posting a bit later this week, but today i snapped a photo of breakfast so i ended up having one food pic, just one though...i've been reading all of your lovely posts lately and feeling guilty for not making one. i wish i had more to say. or at least more to say that sounds interesting enough to be published here. this is just nonsense stuff. thoughts, recordings, food...but nothing interesting. except negative stuff i guess which is not nice.


owl necklace, a bit hard to see though...

i was rather inspired by emily's latest post, i love letters and just writing things down, lists, but i never took any photo of that sort. i would love to do something like that but i wouldn't want to copy of anything. although i believe that, sometimes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...:P tehee


true religionsss the only pair, i got them a few years ago
and they were a bit big but on sale so i was like yeeee
steaaalll. i like their fabric :P

anyway, i do have quite a bit of stuff to do as far as work, then some organizing and such. i should get to that..

yesterday's outfit, in grade 3 or so my best friend
would wear tights with shorts in the winter,
just like people wear skirts, so i used to do it to.
bringing that style back in university oh yeaaa,
i feel like im eight. is that bad?

okay well short but sweet, ish. i hope you're all doing well and i'll continue to read your great posts. love you lots